05-18-2004, 12:24 PM #1
College Student Letter Written to Ex- Roomate
Iím sitting in an airport terminal. I am at ease. Not because the strain of finals has left me in a euphoric state, but because I no longer live in the festering constraints of my dorm room. I no longer share air space- rather; I no longer suffocate under the toxins of a person whose lack of hygiene led to several bouts of my near asphyxiation. I want to stress that Iím not writing this because I hate you enough to do it. I wouldnít want you to think that I care enough to place even marginal interest in your overall being. Instead I write this to your future roommate, a person to whom I feel the utmost pity.
I will attempt to write this using analogous diction and syntax to your own writing style, but unlike yours, I will employ tact and selectivity in my word choice. I wonít pontificate my sentences in order to assert my superiority over my reader (like your articles). It wonít sound like Iíve nearly choked on a thesaurus, or that Iíve chosen every possible run around to avoid normal writing. Being pretentious isnít my thing. I wish I could say the same for you. And in regards to your articles, I think the summation of their content can be tied up in just a few adjectives; but thereís no need to reference your trite, hackneyed, repetitive articles.
Iím tired right now, and frankly, I think your future roommate might be more inclined to see a list of the reasons why they should saw off each of their fingers before they consider subjecting themselves to living in the same domicile as you.
1. You are obsessed with sex. Not just any type of sex, but your morbidly obese domination fetish. I really didnít care that you had a fetish, as nearly everyone does. You have your choices, and thatís fine. But never, in my entire life, have I encountered someone so hedonistic in that their entire pursuit in life is to quench their lust. Twenty-three hours of every one of your days on this planet revolve around your obsession with ďdebuĒ (Japanese word for fat fetish). Thatís not normal. That leads toÖ
2. You masturbated while I was in the room. Twice. Did you ever tell your friends that was the reason why I didnít speak to you for the last two months of the semester? I gave you a shot to redeem yourself after the first time. And you did it again. In your fat fetish induced frenzy you disrespected the sanctity of our room, and the respect of my character. The first time I caught you masturbating with your fat cyber sex partner, I was awoken by a stench. It smelled thickly of crotch, a smell so vile that if I were psychoanalyzed it would be found in the deepest annals of my id. I awakened to see you violently throttling yourself, an image that I will NEVER forget. And then the second time- well, Iím getting nauseous as I reminisce, so Iíll stop.
3. You donít shower. Iím going to let you in on a secret I learned when I was in 4th grade. Showering is something you do more than twice a week. Can you imagine that? As a matter of fact, most people shower once, if not twice daily. Some are so dedicated to hygiene that they shower thrice daily. Can you believe it? The irony that you rinse your hands in isopropyl alcohol after touching anything, but then refuse to shower is not lost on me. The days when you neglected to leave the room (except to eat) were the worst. You would sit and fester for hours on end. The heat and stench your corpulent body produced was fetid. It was gag inducing. To this day, when I visit the rhino turd-pit at the zoo, I will be stricken by a Proustrian notion of my *** semester in college. Showering makes the world a better place.
4. You have a horrendous snoring problem. Not just any type of snoring, either. It woke me, or prevented me from slumber so many times I canít count. And it wasnít just loud, it was throaty and deep. I suppose that the closest I can possibly come to explaining it would be to liken it to someone trying to rip-start a lawnmower while standing in a tub of lard. It really did sound like you were trying to gargle your own bodyfat. It could have killed you to get some Breathe-Right nasal strips from the drug store?
Thatís enough for the list. But I wanted to get some things off my chest. I don't care what you do with your life, (although itís rather obvious that it wonít be much), there is one thing about you that gives me comfort. Because of your choice of lifestyle, you will never reproduce. The world will not have to suffer though the proliferation of your spawn.
Speaking of your lifestyle, I wanted to make something abundantly clear to you.
Another list? You guessed it.
1. You are not Japanese.
2. Japanese people will never assimilate you into their culture.
3. Americans disown you for wanting to be Japanese.
Ahh, the ramifications of such cyclic realizations. The samsara is cruel isnít it? I find it amusing that you continue your attention plea well into your college years. That tended to die out for most in high school, when they realized that their banal personalities still couldnít be compensated for by ridiculous dress and lack of social restraint. Why else would you run around school with a hat on that said ďI love sex with other fat menĒ in Japanese? Again, your identity is tied back to your own sexual titillation, and thatís just sad.
Never in my life had I met a person of whom I could not deduce one positive thing from their character. Then I met you. I couldnít bring girls over at all, because after being in the room with you once they were downright repulsed. Even your resting breathing rate is so labored and heavy that it disgusted even the most tolerant females. And of course, they commented on the smell of ďobeseĒ being prevalent in the room. So, there went my ability to get laid in my own room. So again, I had to go out of my way to accommodate your disgusting habits. Embarrassing.
In closing, there isnít much to say, other than I truly feel that the person who is forced to live with you next must be aware of the pain they will endure. And if youíre wondering why I didnít transfer, I would have thought it abundantly clear that I was not about to leave on account of your wrongdoings. You getting your own room after masturbating while I was still in the room should not be a reward.
Please seek help.
Last edited by rambo; 05-18-2004 at 12:26 PM.
05-18-2004, 12:29 PM #2
LOL to funny did you find that or is it real?
05-18-2004, 12:32 PM #3
thats all i can say to that
05-18-2004, 12:40 PM #4
05-18-2004, 12:53 PM #5
He forgot to include the heading. It says: To Rambo from Ex Roommate
05-18-2004, 01:03 PM #6
thanks for sharing...............
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05-18-2004, 01:09 PM #7
So...what do you say to people you really dislike?
05-18-2004, 02:21 PM #8
lol............................and to think, i always said i feel like i missed out because i didn't go away to college..............
Last edited by Danielle; 05-18-2004 at 02:45 PM.
05-18-2004, 02:29 PM #9
thats so funny..lol
05-18-2004, 03:12 PM #10
thats pretty ****ed funny. thanks for the post rambo.
05-18-2004, 06:48 PM #11
OMFG that was hilarious.
05-18-2004, 07:26 PM #12
THis is just one example of the **** that keeps me coming back here even when online/free time is scarce.
05-18-2004, 08:07 PM #13Associate Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2004
- Small Town, Tx.
That was great...he sounds pretty putrid...lol
05-22-2004, 12:46 PM #14
that just totally made my day.......f****** hilarious
05-22-2004, 06:58 PM #15
so masterbating with people is a ?
05-22-2004, 07:07 PM #16Originally Posted by Elliot
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