So close to throwing in the towel....for the first time ever

Those I'm 'closest' to on this board (sounds weird to say that about people I've never met) know much of this about me, but for those who don't, I believe I've overcome some monumental obstacles in my life without ever feeling sorry for myself, giving up or otherwise letting life's circumstances get to me. Yes my father, in the end, managed to create a very successful business which has over the last four years or so managed to keep me in school cost free, not working except for when the interest hits, and several other good things. But, prior to that, nearly two decades of my life were spent mired in some very tough circumstances. Just to give some examples, some of which my best friends are not remotely aware:

When I was about twelve, my father was sent to prison for four years. During this time, my mother developed an antrocious drug habit that, after she pissed through in four months the money my father had left her to last four years, necessitated her turning to the world's oldest profession to obtain her fix. For those of you not up on the vernacular, and odd as it is for me to say, my mother became a prostitute...but of the 'in-house' variety, so there's some ironic and hilarious dignity in the fact that she wasn't a street walker or anything. But, at any rate, as if that weren't bad enough, the guys that frequented our home often took the time to beat the hell out of me, my brother, and/or sister when they so desired. You can only imagine how things fell apart from there, with social services removing us from her custody and placing us in a foster home until my father's release.

Still, however, I refused to let my situation dictate my destiny, and I busted my ass, ended up at one of the world's top colleges and was admitted to what many would argue is the world's top law school. So, given that so much of my identity is formed from overcoming the most dire of obstacles, you can see why I hesitate to reveal that I finally feel defeated in something to those that know me...i just can't have them knowing that anything has beaten me - i'm the one in all my circles of friends who is looked up to as the one who can slug his way through any situation. Plus, letting you all know this will hopefully explain my absence and the cessation of my cycle journal.

But, to cut to the chase before this gets too long, my girlfriend, whom i care about and love in a way that has proven impossible for me to describe despite the fact that my true talent is in the use of words, came to me recently to confess that she is a full-fledged, clinical bulemic. And, in what I suppose is common to the disorder, it has permeated EVERY aspect of her life, resulting in massive depression, moodswings and just a general diminishing of the sheer wonder that was the most amazing person i have ever come across - all of which has certainly put a strain on us as well. Physically, she is so disgusted by the way she looks and feels that we haven't so much as kissed with any more involvement than a "peck" in over a month. Emotionally, she's a complete wreck beyond what I have the room or time to explain here.

I didn't know it was possible to care about someone more deeply than you could ever care for yourself, except maybe in the case of your own children, but I feel that way about her, and I put her happiness well beyond mine in regards to helping her through this. Yet, for a month, it seems like every decision i make surrounding this is the wrong one. I know that I can't wave a wand and make everythign better, but this has truly beaten me....i just don't think I have it in me to help the one person i truly want to help.

I've already composed a letter to harvard asking for a deferment, as I don't want to pack off for law school when she is in this state, and I'm tyring to garner the courage to send it now. ****, because I'm being so open, I'll copy and paste an email I sent to her mother below so that you guys can see just a little more of my frustration.

Sure I don't know many people here, but i think i'm coming up on my two year anniversary here, and I've seen people get excellent advice in the past here. I guess I just hope that someone having gone through this before can say something....anything....to give me somethign that even remotely resembles a grasp on this situation.

So that is the crux of why i haven't been around...for those who were kind enoguh to notice :)

Okay, here it is below...things in Bold were edited out to protect a bit of my identity.

Mom's Name,

Outside of soliciting advice for birthday presents or
getting size information and all that fun stuff, i've
never, ever composed an email or any real correspondence
of any serious degree to the mother (or father, or uncle
or grandmother, etc) of a signficant other....so I
sincerely hope this doesn't backfire.

While I really hope everything is going great (checked out
the new website by the way and it’s looking good), I’m not
really emailing you to say hello, chat or send well-wishes
your way. And, while I would never ask someone to betray
the trust of or otherwise keep something from someone so
obviously close to them in the truest sense of that word,
I would hope that you might consider not telling my girlfriendthat I sent you this email, for reasons that will probably
become obvious fairly quickly.

I’ve always prided myself on not needing nor asking for
the help of others even in the most desperate of
situations (all too often to the point of it being a
character flaw at times) – something which makes my
composing this email all the more difficult as I swallow
my pride and do so (and I know this is often the point
where people ask for a loan or financial help, but I swear
it’s not going there….sorry, just needed some requisite
humor to break the ice here). Anyway, I know you’re not
at all in the dark with regards to my girlfriend's having
reverted back to at least some of her old mannerisms as
far as her eating disorder is concerned, and I would
imagine you are aware how open her and I are with one
another and realize that I’m not in the dark either. In
the time that I’ve had the genuine pleasure
of getting to know her, I can already see how her once
again battling the physical and mental elements of that
particular disorder so unfairly drains her in every sense
of that word. Having known her for over two decades and
no doubt played an incredible role in shaping someone who
is hands down the most amazing person I’ve ever met, I
can’t begin to imagine how clearly you see it, and how
unnerving it must be to see happen in front of your eyes.
In that sense, at the very least I think you’ll understand
the concern of mine that has prompted me to send this
email and sympathize with my doing so, even if you do
ultimately think I was out of line or somehow wrong in
sending it and/or hoping that you not let her know that I
was driven to such a measure.

So, despite my incredible insistence that I am able to
fight my way through the most adverse of situations
without assistance, I would also like to think I’m smart
enough to recognize not only when I can not, but when my
attempting to do so could possibly be detrimental to those
I care the most about. That being said, I fully recognize
that I am in serious need, maybe not of advice, but at the
very least some ‘direction’ from someone who has been
through this situation in the past and learned from it.

To make a very, very long story short, when she told
me of her once again facing the emotional and physical
battle she is facing, I very sincerely promised to her
that I would do whatever it took to help her, no matter
how difficult it might be for me to do, no matter how much
it might hurt me to undertake, or no matter how difficult
it was for me to see how it might help. What she asked of
me I instantly knew would challenge me on each and every
one of those fronts (and it most definitely has done that…
every day), as she asked if I could try to be the one
person in her life aware of what was happening that
wouldn’t attempt to have serious ‘heart-to-heart’
discussions about it or any of the obvious emotional drain
it has been inflicting upon her. And, though I spend a
good chunk of my day wishing I could tell her how much it
hurts me to know she is feeling anything less than the
closest thing to perfect happiness that she deserves, or
any number of similar thoughts that I’m certain you
experience to a similar degree, I bite my tongue every day
and offer myself up as the one safe haven where she knows
there is no chance the conversation will turn ‘serious’.

Where I have become so incredibly confused, frustrated and
even helpless, is in wondering how my promise is TRULY
affecting her – and the efforts of yourself and others
close to her – to help her through this. Though we talked
for over an hour last night and she laughed and joked like
she hadn’t done in a few weeks and for the first time in
some time seemed like that depressing aspect of the
disorder was not in the back of her mind, I have to wonder
if the good that it affects is fleeting and temporary. If
her own boyfriend does not take the image and eating
disorder ‘serious’ (though I most definitely do but value
little else above a promise I make to her and have to
daily keep up the façade that I’m not taking it seriously)
and doesn’t ever discuss it, does that in turn make it
much more difficult for her to take it serious, and
ultimately get through it? I’ve been struggling with this
for days now…wondering if the short term good I’m doing
based on a promise I made to her is, ultimately, causing
long term difficulties. I haven’t been able to come to
any conclusions that make any sense, and while I don’t
expect you to have any definitive answers, I suppose I
just desperately want to hear what you have to say with
regards to what you would think I should, or should not be
doing.

Until I met her and came to know her, I never imagined
that the happiness (or lack thereof) of another could come
to affect my own so monumentally. I have come to care for
her as a girlfriend, as my friend (as my best friend in
many ways) and as a person that continues, even after all this time, to just amaze me literally every day with her
character. If I’m truly honest and sincere with myself,
I’ve come to care about her even more than I care about
myself in that I would readily and without question endure
something that caused me any degree of sadness or pain if
it held even a chance of helping her get through something
like this. I’m telling you this not in an attempt to come
across as a “good boyfriend”, but rather to explain why I
felt compelled to send you this. As I mentioned, there’s
little I value more than a promise made to her, but if
that promise could be negatively impacting the efforts of
yourself and others I would find it somewhere within
myself to ‘loosen’ the resolve of that promise.

I suppose I have a great deal more to say, and definitely
so much more to ask for feedback on, but I’m sure I’ve
strained your eyes enough. Again, if my sending you this
and asking you for advice/direction is in any way out of
line or inappropriate in your eyes, you have my most
sincere apologies, but the last several days have had me
absolutely torn up with regards not only to her having to
endure something like this, but my feeling powerless to do
anything to help, or, even worse, doing something that may
just be making things worse.

I fully understand the incredible difficulty of getting
through something like this (as well as how it impacts
EVERYONE around you), having endured body image and eating
disorders myself for several years, and even having
reverted back to them at the beginning of this summer
but do want you to know that I am willing to
do quite literally anything either my girlfriend or you might
ask if you even suspect it might help (that offer, of
course, applies to anything and everything…not just this
situation). And that may be big or small…you could
literally ask me to come down to their town and do the
dishes, clean the bathrooms and organize your paperwork
because it’s the only way you could make time to go out to
dinner with her and have a much-needed talk. Sure I
just opened up the door for all sorts of abuse and
indentured servitude, but I sincerely mean it with all of
my heart.

So, I hope you can understand not only my reasons for
sending this, but why I would hope that you wouldn’t
mention to her the lengths I will be going to if I hit
this send button in a second. I’m trying so hard to be
that one important person in her life who will give her
space with this issue and the fallout that inevitably
surrounds it (and I’m sure you can appreciate how
devastating it can be to keep this up) and don’t want her
to think I’ve betrayed that trust by even allowing myself
to think about it seriously, let alone to the point that I
feel compelled to share those concerns with someone close
to her.

Thanks so much….for reading this and for everything else
you’ve done for me that you might not even know I
appreciate,
BigGreen

wow bro, thats some ****. i dont really know what to say. best of luck and if u need anything we are here.

Big Green, the cares of this world system are designed to destroy you and those you love. Don't throw in the towel. You're a man. Inspire yourself to be a man with a plan. FOCUS. COMMITMENT. CRY and SADDLE-UP. It is OK to to feel deflated and hurt-- JUST DON'T STAY THAT WAY. I was reading about this guy who was a great leader and had killer female problems-- he even had a lot of personal problems. He was outstanding at CQB and the prowess of his hand to hand kills was well known through out his home and neighboring communities. He got down and out one time and in raw cowardice even pretended to be insane and slobbered/puked all over himself. He finally turned to his HIGHER POWER. He asked his CREATOR to help him. You can do what that guy did, too.

...estrogenic activity in the US food chain causes obesity.

__________________________________________________ _____________________
You're correct that the onset of menstruation has been getting progressively earlier among girls in the United States. No one is sure of why, but one possibility is that commercially produced meat and milk products contain residues of growth-promoting hormones. These have estrogenic activity, so they could stimulate early menstruation.

http://www.drweil.com/app/cda/drw_cd...60-pt=Question

Overcome...Adapt.....and Conquer my friend. Peace

BG,

I'm writing to you as a friend. I roast you on an almost daily, if not thrice daily basis. I do it because I say I care. But I'm writing you now because I mean it. I'm not going to be verbose, and I'm not going to attempt an array of scholarly pontifications. I'm just going to talk.

I've heard you talk about ******* non stop for a long while. You obviously love her and she undoubtedly reciprocates. You care for someone now in a way you haven't before, and just the fact that you are willing to put your life on hold to care for her is reason enough to fully do so. ****** will understand, and they'll give you the year off, so you can get your affairs in order. During this time she will gain the strength to come with you on what will no doubt be an amazing leg of your willed and forthright journey. Believe it or not me and you are going through parallel problems at the same time, and our histories seem to possess an awkward similarity. I see your ability to come to grips with your situation as strength for my own problems, and I thank you for your strength, it took a lot to post what you did.

Nothing will be changed with your deferment. Spend some time repairing, and pick up where you left off. I know you have the feeling that you've been burdened with the final straw, but it's merely a overzealous wind, tempting you to go the way of the Phoenix. Yes, now I'll start alluding ;). At times, I know you feel a Job like battle, as do I. It's hard to wonder at times, how some take to life as a inexorable amount of impending battles, and some merely seem "allowed" passage to those things we dream of. We can't forget the past, and we can't forgive those that wronged us. All we have can possibly due is venture stronger, strain harder, for if there is one belief I have, it's that in the end, our suffering and pain will be compensated for in the satisfaction of having truly earned our eventual happiness. It's all that keeps my alive at times.

I know you'll fight through this, I don't doubt it for a second.


"Quod non me destruit, me nutrit."

bro i've never been through something like that, so unfortunately I dont really have any good advice. but should you need anything we'll be here.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rambo

it took a lot to post what you did.

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As I look back at it, I do have a desire to edit/delete it and not look like someone who is just at a complete and utter loss, but for the past three weeks I've been desperately searching for an outlet of ANY kind where I could just let some of this out, and with the unique intersection of community and anonymity here, it just became the logical outlet. And I think I need to have it out there somewhere where I'm accountable for it and am forced to respond to, or at the very least acknowledge it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rambo

for if there is one belief I have, it's that in the end, our suffering and pain will be compensated for in the satisfaction of having truly earned our eventual happiness. It's all that keeps my alive at times.

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I'm clinging to that as best I can, with most of the hurt on my end coming from the fact that my relationship with her just seemed so symbolic of my finally being able to 'come out on the other side' of some of the ****ty aspects of my adolesence and now the fact that we both bought into some spoon-fed image of what we could and should look like has a fighting chance of undoing that has me absolutely devestated.

But, that being said, my sincere thanks for your response...i know how difficult it can be for either of us to be serious. And, on top of that, I always assumed there had to be some odd similarity in our lives for us interact in the stupid as **** way that we do...

Big G...I too have never been faced with these circumstances.So I can not offer any advice to you.But I will say,this is by far the most honest,sincere post I've ever read.It took enormous strength and courage to post this.I tip my hat to you in the most respectful manner possible.
Like rambo,I too feel you'll over come this matter.You've traveled down difficult roads thus far.You'll surely prevail in this matter as well.All the best to you Big G.

~DB

Hey BG...

Ok.. i want to agree with Rambo... but.............

By defering.. (if they will let you) and staying to help her (I really don't think you can) she needs help that you can't give....... you want to .. but you can't..

There is value in staying and being there for her..

In all this you never tell us what she wants.. for you to go?? or stay with her and help her.. she will tell you.. (I hope)

Then go from there..

I understand, as a kid you could never help your mother, so now, you are going to **** straight help this one that you love...

Going to school.. getting a great career... these are things that help women feel secure.. and happy also..

just a thought...

what does she want..

Hey Bg. I'm in a similar but less serious situation, struggling with my feelings for a girl that's slowly changed from the person that i fell in love with.. not do to illness, but simply outlook. She's allowing pessimism to control her life and falling into depression which is essentially causing the similar stress thet you're feeling.

What will be the key factor in the outcome of all of this is your patience. If you love her, which i am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you do, then providing that you remain a figure of stability in the relationship and in her life; things will work out. If she truely loves you, then she will be able to see past her own insecurities and conquer her illness with your help and support.

So i guess what i'm saying with this is to hang tight. Deferring your acceptance will do naught but push your life back a single year, which i would do in a heartbeat to make sure i could be with the one i loved.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by spywizard

In all this you never tell us what she wants.. for you to go?? or stay with her and help her.. she will tell you.. (I hope)


what does she want..

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She still doesn't know what she wants, and she fully admits that this is one of the sources of her frustration and depression. She feels like she's being incredibly unfair to me by even hinting that I should continue to be there for her while her issues cause her not only to negelct a lot of our relationship at the present, but to very often lash out at me when she is at her most depressed. While it sucks to go through, *I* am beyond willing to endure that IF there's any hope that my doing so allows her to get through it even a tad bit easier than she could without. And, yes, there's a certain level of selfishness here: I was never aware that another *person* could simply make me this happy...i thought it was the "what" in life, not the "who" that made for happiness (like how you were able to spend your time and balance your life, not who you tried to do all of that with) and I absolutely do not want to lose her...so yes, there's some vested self interest here.

We are going to sit down tonight for however long it takes and talk our way through trying to figure out what she wants and where she needs to go from here. I have NO idea how that conversation is going to end for me, her, or us....and I'm literally petrified that it might end badly. We'll see, but I suppose since this has become my catharsis, I'll let ya all know.

BG, you never cease to amaze me. You have overcome so many obstacles to achieve your dreams. Don't give up on the dream, as your future will be determined by the choice you make now. I hate to say it, but nothing you do will help your girlfriend. One of my girlfriend's best friends hid her bulemia from all of us, and her family for so long that she nearly died. Almost dying did not stop her from continuing though. Eventually, she was committed to a hospital for mental help. Bulemia is not a disease that can be overcome by anything you do. You must convince her to get help, and now!!! The friend I referred to is still alive, but she looks like she is a 60 year old and she is only 30....not to mention she is still only like 90 lbs. The only way for you to help your girlfriend is to get her psychological treatment. God speed brother.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by spywizard

Hey BG...

By defering.. (if they will let you) and staying to help her (I really don't think you can) she needs help that you can't give....... you want to .. but you can't..

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I agree. Take it from someone who has been through this.

You can't save her, she has to save herself. You're putting your life on hold to help her but it's something she has to come to terms with on her own. Not only is she hurting herself, she is now hurting you because you're willing to put your life on hold to try and help.

BG....you are a wonderful strong man that never ceases to amaze me in the manner in which you express yourself. I've lived through some very hard things in my life, but never had to deal with this situation so I am a loss for words to help you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers as is your girlfriend. I have no doubt through your open communciations...you will find the solution that is best for you. I suspect that even if you don't take the deferrment, you will have a hard time focusing on your studies....and Law School isn't the best time to be distracted. If you can get the deferrment without hurting your chances...it might be your best move....

But....

If you think there's a chance you might lose your chance at Harvard....I wouldn't do it. I think that among other things....your love would be heart broken if you lost the chance that you worked so hard to achieve.

Praying for you...

BG, this is advice coming directly from my ex who was bulimic for several years and is now a therapist.

"It is true that only she will be able to help herself with it, with some form of therapy and support from him. But his giving up his life goals does not help her necessarily. It will make her feel tremendously guilty. She really needs to be at a place where she's tired of the bulimic behavior. There comes a time when the "addiction" no longer is fulfilling the need, if that makes sense. If she knows that he is supportive and is loving/caring, etc. that is what is most important. Therapy, something maybe 2 - 3 times a week. It depends on how bad her bulimia is and if she really does want to stop the behavior. I'm also suggesting from my own experience with it. I don't think she'd want to feel the guilt of keeping him back from something. If he has any fears of going to school himself, he should look at that. Is "helping her" an excuse to not have to deal with the process of getting into school, fear of failure, etc."

I've already shared my views with you personally BG but as always, hang tough... always have an ear if you need one!

my ex had the same problems for years and I came to find out toward the middle of a 5 years relationship(how dumb of me not to notice?) I can honestly say, as much as you want to do something and say something to help her. You have to let a doctor help her and she needs to want help for herself. It's a disease and a disorder that has many faces. Just stand by her side and express your support to her.

There were many time after I found out that I wanted to just have her stop and it took me some time to realize that the help she needed was not the help I could provide.

Stay strong bro!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Carlos_E

BG, this is advice coming directly from my ex who was bulimic for several years and is now a therapist.

"It is true that only she will be able to help herself with it, with some form of therapy and support from him. But his giving up his life goals does not help her necessarily. It will make her feel tremendously guilty. She really needs to be at a place where she's tired of the bulimic behavior. There comes a time when the "addiction" no longer is fulfilling the need, if that makes sense. If she knows that he is supportive and is loving/caring, etc. that is what is most important. Therapy, something maybe 2 - 3 times a week. It depends on how bad her bulimia is and if she really does want to stop the behavior. I'm also suggesting from my own experience with it. I don't think she'd want to feel the guilt of keeping him back from something. If he has any fears of going to school himself, he should look at that. Is "helping her" an excuse to not have to deal with the process of getting into school, fear of failure, etc."

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excellent post!

Guys and girls....i appreciate the advice, both here and through PMs and IMs to such a degree I won't even reduce it by attempting to explain it. We're sitting down for a serious talk as soon as she gets home (which should be in a few), and while i'm not so naive as to believe one talk, or even many talks, can help, I do want to believe it can represent a first step towards helping.

While I'm waiting, I'll try to respond to the individual posts in here since you've all been so generous with your time and deserve that type of time in return.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Da Bull

Big G...I too have never been faced with these circumstances.So I can not offer any advice to you.But I will say,this is by far the most honest,sincere post I've ever read.It took enormous strength and courage to post this.I tip my hat to you in the most respectful manner possible.
Like rambo,I too feel you'll over come this matter.You've traveled down difficult roads thus far.You'll surely prevail in this matter as well.All the best to you Big G.

~DB

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I really appreciate that. Like I've told a number of people, i was so desperately seraching for an outlet to get this out for about the last three weeks, and that crazy intersection of anonymity and community here just made for a perfect spot.

We should pray for you. Saddle-UP ! GARY OWEN time !

Hey BG!

IMHO I think Carlos' ex gave some straight advice.

It must seem hard...but I'm not sure if you have to circum to the pressures. IMHO it would be in your best interests to go to Harvard law school while your GF seeks therapy. This way both people are progressing in their respective lives while creating a new future for the relationship.

I can honestly say...I admire you. You have a gift in life my friend...it's called a dream. You have worked and strived so hard to overcome some of life's pitfalls…all in the quest of your dream. Don't ever lose focus. People can only wish of going to Harvard...you have it at your grasp! These opportunities do not come every day or at all in one's life. You worked hard your entire life to get yourself there. I personally think you will regret it if you do not go. You owe it to YOURSELF!


"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much or suffer much, because they live in a grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt

"Recipe for Success: Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing." -William A. Ward

Never, for even a moment, lose sight of whom or what you are fighting for.

You have overcome many things to get where you are. Have faith in yourself and your abilities, eventually you will look back at this series of events like you look back at other things in your past.

BG- I for one understand what you are going though. My mother suffers from bulimia. She was able to hide it for many years. She was always a rather large woman. So no one ever noticed. About 5 years ago she started losing weight very rapidly. She was all the way down to 90lbs. That is when the real trouble started happened. She was passing out and having a multitude of health problems. My father convinced her to start seeing a doctor. They quickly seen the problem and sent her to a Psychiatrist. There have been many hard roads with this through out the years and the battle is not over. She still had meeting twice a week. At one point he heart was in very bad shape and the doctor look right at her and my father and all us kids and said she is going to die if something doesn't happen soon. My father was faced with the hardest decision of his life. He had her admitted. She swore at him and said that when she gets out she will divorce him. He was a wreck but knew if he didn't put her in that she would die for sure. That was about 2 years ago and the battle still goes on. She has gained her weight back and is doing better. But still has to see her doctor twice a week and suffers from depression. I guess what I am say BG is that it is a fight that isn't over quickly. It is a fight for the rest of her life. There was nothing more that we could do for. We as a family tried everything we thought we could. Nothing worked. In the end we realized all we could do is be there for her as support. I wish you the best my friend. If you feel that I can help in any way please let me know.

good luck bro...

Big Green I dont think we have ever spoken personally but I have admired your posts from a far. I think it is tough to give advice on something like this as i have never been in this situation. Only thing i can say is have to go with your heart on this one. I wish you the best of luck and let us know what your decision is.

I wish I had something to offer but my advice or thoughts are too simplistic for something like this. However I think it would be best if you held off on sending that letter. Putting your life on hold or changing your life long goals will not help ither of you in the long run. You can't live her life for her....only yours.

By far I'm going to have to agree with Carlos E.........sounds like he's been down your road.

Isn't it amazing, like somebody said, how some seem to have to fight every inch of the way to achieve any modicum of happiness in life, while for others there seems to be a right of passage created by some higher power.

Big G, as a number of people have expressed on this site, you have overcome a lot already in achieving what you have in your life, made all the more testing by the fact that there seem to have been a number of blows to what is quite obviously a super intelligent mind...........

What I am trying to say is that you sound tired mate.........but you need to find the energy somewhere to pick yourself up to fight another battle.......your lady is in a lonely place right now.......no matter how difficult it may be (depression is a real swine) don't make it lonelier......

Power to you.........all the best !!

I can offer no advice on your situation other than to find the other things that make you happy outside of her. The things that make you forget about the anquish that exists just for a short time. Maybe that for you is reading, lifting, video games, etc. But you are in need of something no matter how minor it is to distract you from the matters at hand. Sure it sounds like a means of escape and to some degree it is, but dwelling on the reality will only heighten the degree of pain you experience. I wish I could offer you more help but unfortunately I have yet to walk through an event that pains me to such a degree. Looking back on all of the posts Isaiah may have offered a touch of the perfect antecdote to your troubles. I dont know how or where you stand on the issue of a relationship with God but if it is something that doesnt exist it may be something to look into. It certainly couldn't make the situation any worse. That decision is solely up to you, however, there are many people that choose to give up and let God after they have gotten to a breaking point. I honestly wish you the best of luck and miss seeing you around the boards. I know I live hundreds of miles away but if there were anything I could do to help I most certainly would.

I don't know you but if you are like most the other guys on this board you have a similar problem to what your girlfriend has only yours is opposite. does she know you juice? how long have you been together, long enough to make an impression on her i would imagine... i don't want to place blame but you could be Perpetuating her condition unknowingly. I will admit i have issues with my body, i don't think i will ever be happy with my size, and your girlfriend feels the same... look inside yourself, can you honestly say that what you are doing as a bodybuilder is innocent, healthy, and in good sense? have you talked to her about your "issues" with yourself? maybe you should and she will then feel a sense of bonding with you and you could both straighten out... don't be offended by my analysis... like i said i don't know you, just a thought.

Hey BG,......

what about an update..........

don't leave us hanging........:lift:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by spywizard

Hey BG,......

what about an update..........

don't leave us hanging........:lift:

---

Well, we talked till five in the morning last night and then continued to talk once we both woke up again today. All told, we probably logged a good 8 hour workday worth of talking.

And, for all that talking, I'm not sure I can tell you exactly where she stands or where we're at. What I can tell you is that she will be seeking professional help, which I think is the most important thing. With regards to 'us' as a couple, she explicitly said that she couldn't fill the role of 'girlfriend' while she's going through this, but hoped that I didn't interpret that as a breakup, but rather putting things on pause while she gets treatment. While that initially took even more wind out of my sails, talking to her again today made me realize how necessary a step that is for her ultimate well-being. She was so consumed by how her disorder was affecting me, and how detrimental it was to us, that she really was never able to take the time to stop and see how badly it was effecting *her*.

Did either of us pretend we'll pick up right where we left off when she makes progress? Not at all. Neither of us know if "we" come out as "us" on the other side, but we both know that the only way we stand a chance of that is if she takes this step....the path things were on with her unable to face it would surely have led to our irreversible end. Now, we both have this renewed optimism that hasn't been there in some time....our conversation today just reminded us both of those that we used to have before bulimia took over her life - between the laughter, the openess, the absolute joy of being in one another's company.

She told me today that I was beyond a doubt her best friend in the world, and for the first time in a few weeks, we both were able to tell one another how much we loved each other without the other wondering what kind of motivation might be behind it.....which is the true tragedy of this kind of disorder: those with it believe everything being said to them is laying the ground for an intervention, and not pure, while those without it wonder if everything being said is some attempt to cover up the severity or reoccurence of the disorder. It just breeds mistrust and the questioning of those you least want to question.

But i'd say, all in all, we're in a much better place, but, far more importantly, she's in a much better place that for the first time has both her and I believing she can realistically fight through this. I know it won't be easy, and I know she can't fulfill the role she wishes she could during that time as my 'girlfriend'....but we've moved beyond those terms for the present and have agreed to just be there for another without designations, titles or any of the assumptions and pressures that come with them for a little bit...at least until she has this under control.

As for me, i'm still very, VERY uncertain as to where I go from here with regards to my 'life'. I don't think i can handle - even with my limitless intellect and unrivaled intelligence (i kid, i kid) - the rigors of law school period, let alone one with a reputation for being absolutely killer in the demands it places upon its students while she endures this. Though her greatest hope is that she can somehow get through this without hurting me or causing me pain, I've already articulated the very simple truth that just *knowing* she is in pain (emotional or physical and anything in between) in turn causes me absolute anguish. It is not in some noble and chivalrous act that I am considering turning down law school for the year, but rather because i KNOW i could not peform at the necessary and/or desired level with my mind being so squarely focused on her and her attempts to battle this.

But again, as always, thanks for the ears and advice AR.

It hurts............ but good for you........... the both of you......


oh.... you can throw yourself into your studies.. be the best.. make a name for yourself..


do it.. be you........

Glad to see you guys talked. Keep in mind BG that if you are truly and honestly concerned about her physical and emotional well-being, from the bottom of your heart, you will support her in her quest for help whether that includes you in the picture as a boyfriend or as her best friend and emotional stonghold. I know it sounds cheesy and cliche but i have always believed that if it's meant to happen it will happen.

I could be wrong but I don't see how Harvard could be anything but impressed that you're willing to put off starting classes for a year to help someone you love. If that's where your heart is, it seems to me that's what you should do. I think you're right that you're not going to have a good year at school if you're going to be spending it doing nothing but looking back at the girlfriend you left behind. Think about how great it would be if a year from now she's back on her feet, and you can start school knowing you put her first and you're both tighter than ever. If you postpone school for a year and it doesn't work out you'll know you at least did all you could.

Just my thoughts -maybe that's all bleeding obvious anyway. Good luck bro, you really are a lucky guy.

BG- i know we talked about this a little on IM... but i want to throw my .02 in after reading this. as much as i hate to admit this... you really are a wonderful person. you're intelligent, caring and in this situation - selfless. you managed to find someone who sees and appreciates who you are, while at the same time loving her for who she is. her disease is not one of choice, as you know. she will need time to get through this... but i am confident that with you and her family by her side she will manage to come out of this situation stronger than she has ever been. you are extremely lucky to have found someone that you love, some people dont find that once in their lives. take care of her regardless of how much she tells you to stay away and let her know that your respect and admiration for her has not diminished in the least since this situation has arisen.

she's very lucky to have you there for her through this. good luck with everything and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

BG,

While I dont not post on here often, I read every new post daily. Much of what our friends have said on here are equal in my sentiments. You are one of the most intelligent persons on here and while it will truly be a monumental undertaking, very few people in the world can attend harvard law school and succeed. You, my friend, are at the top of the list of those who can. Good luck at Harvard. You will be a great litgator. You already are a great person...

I've got a boatload of respect for what you do BG. And I know how hard it is to deal with, when the person you care the most about, the person that you'd go to hell and back for, is battling something that you really can't do a thing about. My ex had similar issues...along with a truckload of others. She never received help and it ended up killing our relationship. For me, it hurt like nothing else.

She's doing the most important thing by getting professional help. And you are doing everything you can by loving and supporting her while she needs it. But you have to understand that there's only so much you can do. I know someone said it previously, but you attending school while she's getting help allows you both to progress. That's just my opinion. Besides, immersing yourself in something as large as law school may allow you to channel your energy that you'd like to throw towards helping your girl.

Remember, you almost cancelled your LSAT scores because you believed you may have ruined your chances at getting into your school of choice. At the last moment you decided to let it go...and you got the results you wanted...and you got in exactly where you wanted. Remember that your first impulse isn't always the right one. Even though everything may be telling you to ask for a year's deferment now...truly examine the ups and downs of that option before you proceed...I know you will.

We can all throw ideas and suggestions at you until our fingers are sore from typing them...but that's all they are, suggestions. You need to evaluate what's going to be best for you...but you already know that. I have no doubt in my mind that you'll persevere...no matter what direction you choose. I'll be anxious to hear which direction things turn...

Best of luck, and all my respect, as of always.
cb

for all that you have delt with, not throwing in the towel shows just what kind of person you really are, you are a true inspiration to us all. It will all work out in the end for you bro, good luck and god bless.