Thread: Overcoming social fear?
08-09-2004, 04:58 PM #1
Overcoming social fear?
This is probably the third time or so during my years here on AR that I start a thread like this. But each time I learn something new so might as well give it a go now.
I suffer from a mild case of social phobia that realy hinders me in alot of ways.
I have a VERY hard time functioning properly in groups and I can never relax enough to dance and enjoy myself on clubs and bars.
My question is has anyone else had it and overcome it?
It realy feels like Im totaly waisting my youth by never partying, picking upp chicks, dance and so on and the ONLY reason I dont do those things is that Im afriad. Im afraid to dance cause Im afraid to look like a fool, Im afraid to approach girls cause I have social phobia, I cant engage in conversations with groups of people I dont know cause my phobia makes me nervous and unable to function properly. Alcohole doesnt realy make it easier either and neither does any drug I have tried.
What can I do to overcome it? Do I need to do it the REALY hard way and constantly put myself into situations where I have to battle my phobias? Or is there any other way?
I know it does get better when I put myself into situtations where I am more or less forced to be social with people. But it takes tremendous ammounts of mental energy to do that and its just incredybly taxing.
I HAVE to change this cause its realy causing me alot of grief to miss out on alot of fun things just because I dont dare
08-09-2004, 05:03 PM #2
There realy are alot of things in my life that I need to change. Cause if I go on like I have the last 2 years beeing constantly afraid of things and avoid people then I will eventualy kill myself. Right now I live a life I realy hate, only thing I do is lift and eat. I love to lift and without it I would be dead already, but there has to be more to life then that.
08-09-2004, 05:03 PM #3Associate Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2004
I have a similar problem. I kinda get freaked out at college when I have to walk across the dining hall, for example. I feel as though too many people are staring and it makes me nervous. I think a good way to get over it is to say **** everybody and worry about you doing your thing. Just remember that other people shouldn't change the way you behave and keep reminding yourself it'll be aight bro!
08-09-2004, 05:06 PM #4Originally Posted by MikeyZ23
08-09-2004, 05:08 PM #5
Social anxiety disorder is a treatable condition. Currently psych's are perscribing ssri medications to treat the condition. There are also anti anxiety medications, mostly benzos, that help control anxiety when it starts to come on. SSRI would be a maintanance drug and a benzo would be used approx. one hour prior to going to a club to prevent break through anxiety. However, benzos can be addictive and you should never drink while taking them. I assume that you don't drink as you are using aas. Psychotherapy also helps but the best results are seen from a combination of the three methods. I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist, not because your nutz, but these physicians have the most experience treating this condition. Good luck.
08-09-2004, 05:11 PM #6Originally Posted by max-it
I havent touched alcohole since oktober last year. It only makes me depressed(9 times out of 10 anyway) and phatetic.
Maby a shrink is the only way then. Or getting my hands on benzos but I realy dont want to rely on a drug to function properly
08-09-2004, 05:28 PM #7
i can relate to you quite a bit. But for me i can be very forward, go to clubs , dance with randoms, walk up to attractive women and chat them up etc, then othertimes ill feel incredibly self concious. When i graduated the last thing i wanted to do was walk a cross a stage with people looking at me. Sometimes i start out confident then lose it and decide that wherever i am i want to go home not talk to people etc. For me anyway i have to kindo of force myslef to accept a situation and almost play a characature of certian aspects of my personality to enjoy things. I hate nightclubs i hate dancing and i dont drink. All i do is eat and train. So i can relate.
08-09-2004, 05:47 PM #8
I dont realy hate nightclubs and neither dancing. I know I would love to let lose and dance my ass of all night. But I just don dare to....
prime dont you get sic of just having lifting to live for? Dont get me wrong I love bodybuilding more then most people, but I want more things in my life...
08-09-2004, 05:56 PM #9
i feel understand ya too bro, i'm sorta like prime, sometimes i seem to be confident, and other times i'm timid around other people, and new places, this may sound like a goofy thing, but sometimes you have to mentally prepare yourself, give your self a little pep talk, or visualize what you are going to do and how you want to go about doing it before you act on it, and just concentrate on staying calm, and probably as you stated, the more you do it, the more you'll become accustomed to it and see it as a regular thing, i know when i force myself or others force me into situations i calm down and i have fun, i dunno, you may have tried this before, just a suggestions, sometimes you just have to have the attitude where you don't care what ppl think, and just do your thing
08-09-2004, 05:57 PM #10
yeah, well im back in education in october so im focusing on that. Trying to get a job at the moment so thats another thing to concentrate on. I dont hate nightclubs/dancing so much as i feel like most people are looking at me as if to say what on earth are you doing here? Totally crazy i know but i really get uncomfortable when surrounded by lots of people, i feel very clostrophobic. For the millenium i was in London. It was so packed that it took us 2 hours to walk 500m it was a sea of people. Everyone else was enjoying the atmosphere etc, i was scared ****less and trying my best not to freak out. I just wanted to tear through the crowd to find somewhere that wasnt so packed.
08-09-2004, 06:08 PM #11Originally Posted by Prime
08-09-2004, 06:12 PM #12
bro, i had social anxiety also....isolated myself from everyone including family and was gonna come out of hiding when became a ****ing monster and take every1 by storm.
i have achieved that but in the process of being alone a lot i have damaged myself psychologically from a social standpoint to the point where i was ****ing afraid to talk to people....AND THATS NOT A ****ING JOKE....girls would literally approach me and i stand there like a moron with no personality….
i looked in the mirror and have the looks with intimidating size so i started building my mental state from scratch and approaching people just for the hell of it to have a conversation and ease myself up...…..Shrink will not help you and drugs are only a tease just like a lap dance will make your c/ock feel good for a moment
I say work on your self and overcome it on your own just like myself. Don't give a nut what ****ers think about u at a the club, u r a big mofo so bust out ur moves and party. No dude is gifted with women since there are all types if she rejects you **** her and move on to the next victim, but don't lose ur cool. I have been there and at times it comes back and goes away but i fight it and don't let it get to me. Locking yourself from the world in a gym will only increase your social anxiety and i speak from the experience…..When they say looks can be deceiving one of them is where the exterior all show, but the mental state is out of whack is what has happen to me a while back being a loner for over two years working on my bodybuilding dream…
08-09-2004, 06:16 PM #13Originally Posted by Sage
Ill become social when I think I look good enough to be confident in myself.
I believe the key to confidence and a healthy mind comes when you have a perfect body... and if it doesnt, oh well at least ill look good.
Last edited by AandF6969; 08-09-2004 at 06:32 PM.
08-09-2004, 06:26 PM #14
im super social, just move here and ill show ya the ropes baby
08-09-2004, 06:27 PM #15Originally Posted by Prime
its the medium big crowds that get to me. Not quite big enough to be totaly anynomus but not small enough to be plesant.
Originally Posted by Sage
Sage what your saying makes alot of sense. Its just that its SO hard to not think about what others think of me. How did you build upp the confidence to let lose completely?? You cant have gone from sever anxiety to full blown party dude just over night?
08-09-2004, 06:31 PM #16Originally Posted by Decadbal
08-09-2004, 06:58 PM #17
bro, this is something your gonna have to overcome mentally. when i was 12, i started to not give a **** what anyone thought of me. when you dont give a **** about other peoples opinions towards you, you start to envision life in a whole new perspective bro. like heres an example, last year i went out with a date with a HOT ****in girl. on the very first date, we ended up at a waffle house at like 4 in the morning on the way home from a long night. i ate everything in site, i spent like 30 bucks on waffles and eggs and everything else and i stuffed my face so badly, i had syrup all over my face and i was burping. she actually liked it. anyways the moral of the story is, be yourself bro, dont try to be someone your not. if you try and be someone your not, your not living life right. sooner or later, your GOING to fit into the right people at the right situation if your just BE YOURSELF. next time you get on the dance floor bro say to yourself "i dont give a **** what anyone thinks about me, im gonna have fun".
to be dead honest with you, you would have 100% more fun if you just said "i dont give a **** what anyone thinks about me, im gonna have fun".
whats the big deal if some1 says, "look at how he's dancing! he looks like a goofball"? if they say it out loud, ask them to say it again and break his nose before he finishes the sentence.
this is hard to explain because, since i was a preteen, ive never had a problem with this. girls ALWAYS love the "i dont give a **** attitude" bro no doubt. this is something your gonna have to overcome in an instant, it doesnt happen over time. 1 day it will click bro, trust me you will see it.
08-09-2004, 07:42 PM #18Originally Posted by itsallmental
Something else to keep in mind... you've been extremely social with everyone on this board. Yeah you're not staring at anyone face to face which makes it easier, but you ARE interacting with a large group. There are plenty of opinionated individuals reading your words and going about their lives here. Try stepping away from the comp and applying that same process when you chat with folks in person. The only real difference is that they aren't sitting on the other end of a digital connection.
08-09-2004, 07:49 PM #19
Remeron is very different from say paxil or zoloft. If you have only tried one and that might be the answer for you you owe it to yourself to try other ones since they are different in their individual effects and the modification of your behaviour.
Originally Posted by johan
08-09-2004, 07:56 PM #20
heres another helpful tip bro. even if your by yourself, smiling for no d@mn reason EVEN when your sad or mad, will make your day ALOT better. i do it and it helps ALOT.
08-09-2004, 08:01 PM #21Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2004
i can't say i relate to you on the same level b/c i've always been outgoing and in the "in crowd" in school and now in college...i think that you have to do what you mentioned above and put urself in those uncomfortable situations...ib/c once you've done them enough it gets easier everytime...you didnt go into the gym benching 405lbs so why is this any different?..maybe i'm wrong and it's beyond understanding for me but i'm trying to help..maybe go to a place where you don't know anyone and you know you will never see them again...then just GET YOUR FREAK ON see what happens do it once, twice, three times..it gets easier and sooner or later you're right where you ant to be talk to all the girls that intrest you...buy them a drink, ask them where they're from, find out their intrests..lie to them haha..whatever..you can be whoever you want to be..you dont have to be the shy guy anymore
08-09-2004, 08:04 PM #22
I have had the same problem that you have had pretty much my whole life. I always felt secluded from everyone just because I was afraid to join in thinking that someone would make fun of me. Even now that Ive gotten older I still feel ackward as hell talking to people 3/4 of the time. But you have to deal with it because every situation in life your gonna have to deal with people judgin you and makin fun of you. But you always gotta think you are better than them, thats how Ive dealt with people. Always think no one is above you..eveyone is equal in some way. Im just starting to realize this and Im actaully coming out of my shell that I built around myself for the past 19 years of my life. And its true about ppl liking you more if you have the "I dont give a shat attitude" cause no one wants to hang out with someone whos always worried about what other ppl think because then you can never be yourself and have fun. Just take it slow man and you will realize what to do to change yourself, like most of the guys on here said drugs cant change you, you have to change yourself
08-09-2004, 08:44 PM #23
I used to have the same problem. A female friend of mine told me how to get over it. She said I had a fear of rejection. I would never approach people in social situations for fear of not being liked or rejected. She told me to do this.
When you go out ask at least 5 girls to dance. Just walk up and ask. Since you're doing this as an exercise, if they say no, it really doesn't bother you because it's what you expected. The more you hear no, the less it hurts and the less you care. The next time you go out, raise the number to 8, then after that 10.
You eventually get to a point where you don't give a ****. In my head I was thinking, this is number 3, I have 7 more to go. Once I got to the point I did not care at all, it was so much easier to approach people. I remember walking up to a girl asking her to dance and she turned to her friends being a smart ass laughing and said "What do you think? Should I dance with him?" I said to her, "LOOK, YES OR NO BECAUSE I CAN EASILY ASK SOMEONE ELSE!" She looked shocked and said yes and was all over me the rest of the night.
That's when I knew I was over my fear of rejection.
08-09-2004, 09:07 PM #24Originally Posted by Carlos_E
08-09-2004, 09:10 PM #25Originally Posted by SV-1
i phuckin hate you sv, i posted almost the exact same **** before carlos posted, i even put out an example of a date with a girl, he copied my **** and yet YOU clapped for him. i hope both of you have bloody diahrea for the next couple weeks.
08-09-2004, 09:16 PM #26Originally Posted by itsallmental
I didn't read the other posts before posting. I nave no clue what you said.
08-09-2004, 09:17 PM #27Originally Posted by itsallmentalOriginally Posted by itsallmental
08-09-2004, 09:21 PM #28
I Want Clapping ****it, I Dont Want Some Chinese Girl Puckering Her Face!!!!!!!!!! I Still Wish Bloody Diahrea On Both You Untill I Get My Clapping!!!
08-09-2004, 09:22 PM #29Originally Posted by itsallmental
08-09-2004, 09:25 PM #30Originally Posted by SV-1
lol, thats more like it...... next time carlos copies my posts im gonna fill his scuba tanks with diahrea water, ya lets see you keep a straight face while suckin on some old mans crap air carlos.
08-09-2004, 09:56 PM #31Originally Posted by johan
For me to dance or let loose in a club was the same as going skydiving 29 thousand feet down for the first time standing on the edge of a plane is exactly how froze up I was every time……It was a slow and gradual break in process going clubbing much more than one nigh to get thing going……I started at first to just standing on the dance floor with some of my bros and scope out good looking females there and somewhat slightly chillin to the mix ………when i started having some balls to bust out some moves on a dance floor at one point I copied the dance moves from some dude and other friends to just blend in with the crowd and especially for people not stare at me even if I had it going on……..choose a girl less of a caliber u usually would approach the first few times and see if they gives you some play, I am sure majority will…...u r not gonna date her or show her off to ur crew, or anything like that…… what u r trying to do is just accomplish the first step for yourself and get a taste of things……Bro, after u tag that one u will be invincible for that night and even taking some poon home with u ….BUT every time I would go clubbing it was a very slow jumpstart to get things going and roll in the bitches….I could not drink with my heavy cycles so doing it sober was ****ing tough.
I went to c a shrink under my health insurance and I got covered for 4 sessions….I tell u it’s a waste of time, in his office u may get a slight boost of self confidence but ones u r out of there in a real world the only way to be cured is if u face it and overcome it yourself……At all the nightclubs everyone is too ****ing busy trying to get laid, wasted or have a good time in general and very few-to-none point fingers laughing at someone and those who do are some ugliest mothers ****ers around starving for attention and are very hard on the eyes to look at who have no game by any means…..U could knock out those fruit cakes with one punch…… They are not worth ur time and lay ur c/ock on all those ****ers. At the end u’ll be the one getting some nookie from a hottie(s) afterwards… Bro, u r there for two reasons which are to chill with ur crew and get bitches because I am sure u r not there just for the dancing alone…… I know its hard to do but at one point drop all the complexes and try to have ur self a good time it seems impossible to do, but it is doable I’ve been there otherwise I wouldn’t post this.
08-09-2004, 11:35 PM #32
Umm.. i have always been pretty social so i really dont know where your coming from on that issue, but i have over came many many fears by turning the fear into anger then over coming it. Once you conquer the fear on the activity 1 time keep doing it repeadely until you have no fear almost like what carlos said.
08-10-2004, 05:24 AM #33
Thanks for all the replys, gonna try and answere each one cause they are all **** good
Originally Posted by itsallmental
Originally Posted by crazle43764
Originally Posted by Carlos_E
Originally Posted by Sage
You have laied it all out to me with that post and now its up to me to break this **** phobia.
No not there for the dancing alone. The dancing is just to me the thing that represetns all my fears and makes me feel like **** cause I dont dare to.
One thing that I dont have though is a crew . Since I moved last year from my hometown and left my good buddies I havent made one single friend that I want to hang out with and now 2 months ago I moved again. So Im more or less the ultimate lonewolf. The entire last year I spent alone in my apartment only leaving it for classes and the gym. In the first 3 weeks of college I partied alot but then i got into that **** depression. This spring I have only been out partying twice, spent every night of every week just watching the ****ing tv or surfing around getting more and more and more depressed each day.
Thanks again Sage for that post
08-10-2004, 07:48 AM #34Originally Posted by mark956101957
08-10-2004, 08:25 AM #35
Im the kind of guy that wants to stay away from medications as much as I can(except roids offcourse ). I dont even ever use any kind of painkillers. Not even when I had my worst struggles with the scatic nerv crap and had constant pain.
maby will look into other ssri's in the future but I dont look at the as a cure, more like a temporary solution. All the people around me that uses ssri's have become addicted to them and they have more or less stopped working so now they are just as miserable but have to throw out lots of cash on it monthly.
08-10-2004, 12:48 PM #36Associate Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2004
- North Alabama
I agree with the bro's who say just go face the fear. When I was a kid, I was so paranoid about being around peple that I would sit in the car when my family would go out to eat. My mom would order for me and bring it out to the car for me to eat. Finally when I was 15 I got my first job. I ran a register at freakin K-Mart, and for the first month or so I would never even look anyone in the eye. After a while I got more comfortable. Believe it or not, it got to the point that I got laid a lot because I would talk **** to the women who came thru my line. Now, at 37, it's like I'm still making up for lost time. I'm in sales, do public speaking, etc.
Sometimes I find myself reverting back to my old ways, but never to the same extent, and it's easy to pull out of it.
08-10-2004, 05:25 PM #37
to bad its such a ****ing hell to confront phobias. Man it must be the most draining and energy demanding thing in the world
08-12-2004, 12:18 AM #38Originally Posted by mark956101957
I would not suggest taking Paxil unless you care less about sex... takes your whole sex drive away.. (I had to ditch my pills )
And Remeron... - you might as well take acid.. holy cow...
Just to dream, is out of this world with that stuff!
JMO - sorry..
08-12-2004, 04:28 AM #39
my shrink told me that remeron was the mildest ssri with the least side effects. But I agree the dreams where pretty **** trippy. Often horrible nightmares that feelt so real that I had to check when I woke upp that there wasnt something in my apartment. Real scary ****.
I have started to mail some psychologists and got my first response today. The positive thing is that they have time to deal with me right away if I want to. The downside is that its 100$ for a 45 minute session and I have 50$ to live on right now. God **** it, how the hell am I suposed to be able to get help when I have trouble finding cash for food even?!?!?!?!?!?!?
08-12-2004, 09:09 AM #40Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2004
- At the gym
Johan, we all pay great attention to our diets to be fit and healthy in all ways that we possibly can, but have you considered that your feelings may be triggered by a reaction to certain foods? Some people have allergies to wheat which is a main part of pasta which most of us eat in abundance. Some also have an allergy to milk, another thing we all drink in abundance. The type of allergies I have mentioned are allergies of a neurological kind, these foods have a direct and adverse effect on the brain and nervous system for some people and can create states of anxiety in the people. It's worth asking the doctor if you could go on a diet program in conjunction with apprpriately qualified dieticians to see if you have any allergic reactions to any of the foods that you eat that create an anxious state of mind for you.
Just a suggestion mate, this type of thing is far more common than you would imagine.
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