My story...

[RoNNy THe BuLL]

Recently, things haven't been going as well as one would've planned, and it made me reflect on a few of the things that has happened in my life that have involved the use of Steroids...I hope that someone takes something from this story that will help them if they ever encounter or experience anything I went through...



I never thought I'd do steroids .

I remember the first time I took an interest in going to the gym and working out. I was in tenth grade and started to play a few of the more physical sports. I realized that in order to be a Starter, you had to be stronger and faster then the other guy. I remember weighing myself the very first day I was in the gym and being surprised that I was only 160lbs at the height of 5'9" back then.

I hit the gym up with my best friend (still is to this date) and within a few months I blew up to 180lbs and become one of the more noticeably larger guys in my school. I was always a pretty boy and with the new 'muscles' I started to grow the attention of a few girls in my school. However, I was always picky.

I finally met a girl. She was beautiful. Gorgeous face, amazing body and the right kinda personality. She was a good friends cousin and after asking him if it was okay for me to ask her out, we started our relationship. She was my first girlfriend.

We went out throughout the remainder of High School and into the first year of University, where I studied Kinesiology and Health Science. Things went well, but she had a new group of friends. They would go out and party and she started to change. Drinking became her thing. Eventually, it got the best of us.

She lied to me about her drinking habits. She went out with her friends one night, ended up calling me and telling me to come pick her up, she was sick. I leave at 3 in the morning to pick her up from downtown Toronto to find her puking on the street, not even sober enough to realize that I was the one taking her home. Hurt like hell to see her like that. She called me the next morning and apologized for lying to me, I tried to be the bigger person and told her, "It's okay, people make mistakes".

The next week she did the same thing again. End of story. The irony is that she ended up leaving me.

It was at that point that I fell into a deep depression. Often times contemplating suicide and doing stupid things to get her back. I wanted her back so bad. I knew nothing else. I didn't know what it was like to have another girlfriend and I didn't care to know. I became obsessed. But when the reality of the situation hit me...I turned and started seeking revenge. Against who? I don't even know...

I hated everyone at this point. Everyone was my enemy. My mentality completely changed. It went to viewing everyone as a 'friend until they did something to become my enemy' to 'you're an enemy until you do something to become my friend'.

But there was still those late nights. Those late nights where you're alone and you sit and think about the past and you get upset, mad and angry at the whole world for hurting you so much. It was those nights that would turn me against myself. My health and longevity became of no importance whatsover.

Often times, I would go to my 24 hour gym at 2 or 3 am and crank out a workout. I started to seriously apply myself to bodybuilding and nutrition and it started to become evident.

I went from 180lbs to 200lbs and started to plateau. My best friend was already into Steroids and had a 2 year head start on me. It was at that time I joined Anabolic Review and researched my ass off into my first cycle. I dieting down naturally to 175lbs before starting my cycle and shot up to 235lbs solid with a hell of a lot of water.

I didn't give a **** anymore. I would take anything to make me huge and bigger then the next guy. Why? So if I ever ran into my Ex-Girlfriend, she would look at me and realize what she lost out on...pretty pathetic reason eh? Or does it sound all too familiar...

But regardless of how big I was, or how strong I got or even how much attention I began to draw...the late nights alone were still tearing me apart inside. One night I couldn't take it anymore and realized I had to do something.

My best friend was a Bouncer and asked if I was interested in bouncing with him. I took it up and fell in love. All my anger, frustrations and hate towards the world I would take out on people who broke the rules in the club. Not only that, but I wouldn't be sitting in my bed late at night thinking of my Ex-Girlfriend. I went from bouncing 1 night a week to 5 nights a week. My 'rage' became extensive and the word spread with the Club District in Toronto. I became part of the "Float Team" in every club I worked at, my only job was to kick ass when needed. I would literally sit in the employee bathroom or office and wait until there was a "Code Red" for me to kick ass. I thought I was invincible.

My cycle came to an end and I was already planning my second. I would come home and praise the "Juice Gods" for blessing me with the ability to shoot up, eat, sleep and train like a bodybuilder. I became content with being larger then anyone else. But no matter how big I was....I always felt like I was the same 160lb kid when I first jumped on that scale.

I met and dated a good amount of girls in between, but I still wasn't over my Ex-Girlfriend. I loved her too much and didn't understand the concept of letting go.

Things were good for a long while, until my Ex came back into the picture. She went just as quick as she came and the whole cycle repeated. She led me on and then left.

I turned to Steroids again.

I went through the whole mind game again, thinking that if I got bigger, harder and more cut the next time she would see me she wouldn't want to leave.

It didn't work and the cycle repeated.

I decided on doing one large cycle, lasting 20 weeks. I did it and when I came off, I crashed hard. I met a great girl (regardless of the posts I made) and I realized that Steroids didn't play any role in meeting her. Steroids played no vital role in anything significant in my life. I vowed never to do them again.

However, now, times are getting rough. My family is falling apart, my work situation is upside down and inside out and I can count my real friends on one hand. I've been backstabbed, let down and mislead all at one time. I feel helpless, lost and uncontrollable all at the same time...and what does my mind lead me to?

Steroids.

I vowed never to do them again, but for some reason I'm in a withdrawal and my body is yearning for a syringe loaded with Test to be shot in so I can fall back into the strict bodybuilding lifestyle and forget about the real world. Forget about the problems and change my priorities. Rather then worry about paying my bills on time, it would then change to getting in my meals at the right times. It would fix everything right now...or would it.

Would it make my problems go away or would it shift my focus? Would it make things better or would it give me that 'false contest' date where I would have a goal, mindset and time period to get myself into shape so I can show off my body to my Ex-Girlfriend and show her what she's missing out on in hopes of her coming back? Would it eliminate my family problems or decieve my mind into thinking the bigger the body the more power one has?

There's no real answer to any of my questions, but if there's one thing I've learned is that life is a big story filled with ups and downs. Steroids became a chapter in my life. As much as we ignore the possible health risks associated with steroids by thinking taking things such as "Nolva" or "Clomid" with eliminate, we're setting ourselves up for our own downfall.

Down the road, some of us may suffer from problems that were self-induced, such as Steroids. Steroids that I know I have taken in order to help solve problems that I had prior to taking them.

I guess that's where the Irony of the whole story is. I took steroids to help solve my problems, when they were gone I didn't need them anymore. But now that they're coming back, I'm looking in the direction of steroids for an answer...I'm addicted.

But I made a vow never to take steroids again, and I have the willpower and mindset to follow them. I just hope someone else reads my story and won't make the same mistakes I did....not just with steroids.

[decadbal]

sucks bro, i hope you realize where the true blame lies and not in the aas..

[chicamahomico]

Holy crap....took a lot of guts to spill that out my friend. Hope things are looking up for you.

[bigol'legs]

**** ronny... that takes a man to admit that and write to people about it. I think your life is looking up and you'll start seeing some positive feedback..

[Commando_Barbi]

Ronny - You are in my thoughts and prayers .

C.B.

[shootdeep]

holy cow! hopefully things start looking up soon bro. that's no way to go through life.

[kc]

wow...that took guts, nice job puttin all that into words. Strugglin with the same "urge" to turn to something to help pull me outta the real world, I can understand what you're feelin.....sadly, my only response is that there are worse things to turn to. I wish you luck in your decision and hope things get better for you....somebody once told me "that all this bull**** is what makes you who you are" well...can't be too far from the truth..

[allsaucedup]

Believe it or not i trust alot of people on this board alot more than i trust the people in my life. Ronny you are one of the guys on this board (even though we have never spoken personally) I fell i could tell anything and without forming any judgement you would give me an honest opinion. It hurts me to see such a good bro going through such a tuff time. But when it comes to it bro aas is not the way out of your problems and you know this it is your comfort like a fat dude with his pizza. Shake yourself bro hold true to you vow of not touching the sauce again, lean on us hear on the board to help you. Use us as your support group man i have no problem listening to you vent and giving an honest comment. Stay strong bro if you need me i am hear to listen and i am sure there are alot of other bro's and gals hear that will be happy to do the same.

[cpt steele]

sucks bro, i hope you realize where the true blame lies and not in the aas..

I agree totaly...Everything always gets better

[Gilster]

I hear you bro. It's your path. Do the best you can, and strive to get better. My prayers are with you.

[MrDezel]

Hey bro that was some pretty deep stuff you have up there and for what it's worth my life went the exact same way. Sadly I'm still liveing that life, still thinking of Jenn, the 185 pound kid that couldn't bench the bar, the long nights awake thinking of the past and the "what if's" that race through my head. I know what you're feeling bro and if you ever need anyone to talk to don't be afraid to let me and all the other bros know.

[RoNNy THe BuLL]

Thanks for the support bro's/sis'. I truly mean that. There is other stuff that I'm dealing with that I didn't post up because it is truly very personal and too off-topic.

I just posted this up to vent a little bit and to hopefully give the next guy who plans on doing Steroids for the same reasons I did a different side to the story.

Steroids in my story could've been replaced with Alcohol, Rec Drugs, LSD...anything that people turn to when they have problems. I just hope someone takes something from this so that they can see the bigger picture and not the short term gains but the long term health risks associated with gear that we don't even know about.

Thanks again.

[RoNNy THe BuLL]

sucks bro, i hope you realize where the true blame lies and not in the aas..

I do bro. Trust me.

[w_rballs]

takes some balls to spill everything like that bro. u are a good man and we support u and are here for ya

[Daven]

Its hard to let people go sometimes. Ive had a few good freinds change like that on me, one of the worst things to go through, but thankfully never anyone I was involved with, i feel for you bro...

[GeoQuadzilla]

Ronnie I feel for you bro, We all have our downfalls... You just have to realize that with the right mindset AAS can be used to enhance your life rather then destroy it... Ambition is always a big part of steroids ... I did this much one cycle... I should do this much next... Every guy who really gets along positively with steroids knows the rules of ambition and doesn't let it get the best of him or her... People use steroids for 2 reasons.. 1. To excel and get better, 2. For vanity. If your using steroids just to make yourself more attractive thats usually where the big problems fall... because your always trying to make yourself more attractive... you always want something more... your head gets swollen, you turn into something your not... It's hard to jump over these pitfalls when they present themselves... when a hot girl is all over you... It's up to you to know what instant gratification is... and to know if its worth it... Why do something that feels good for 20mins when its going to make you feel bad for years.
Good luck man.

[BUYLONGTERM]

Ronny, I wish you all the happiness in the world bro. You deserve it. Thanks for taking the time to write that post. It made me think. It made us all think.

Peace,

BLT

[Polska]

Had to bump this. Great post

[workdude]

Great post bro...I wish you the best...

[RoNNy THe BuLL]

Wow. I'm surprised this got bumped. I'm happy to say I'm still natural now and feelin' fine.

[KGBnine]

In reading this I found that I was in a similar situation with a girl (same probs). I wish I woulda seen this sooner, it really changes my perspective on things. Cheers to you ronny for opening yourself and relating your experience.

[needmorestrength]

Hey man.. That was almost poetic!! Makes me think about why I want to do my first cycle.. I say it's for my personal mindset and I don't care what other people think of me.. But maybe I do? Anywayz best of luck. You remind me of my brother..He thinks too much haha.. I know it helps him when he deals with one thing at a time and doesn't try to fix everything at once! They say its better to have loved and lost right? I don't think so! With you open confession however I think your going to get you life in order asap! You know what you need to do!

[Duck of Death]

.......My best to you, Ron - things will look up for you soon - you'll see.

[lookingforquality]

All the best in life's struggles, as someone who has been dealing with depression (Paxil) for manyyears, I know getting yourself out of it is tough-- it seems that I amliek you in that whenever I am at my most depressed I tend to work out more, eat more strictly, etc.--like feeling my life is so out of control that theone thing I can exert almost total control over is my body (since the mid gets depressed on its own) so I take it to the extreme of excluding everything else in my life for the gym--I wish you the best

[jonnytour]

Ronny, U are a good guy and this was a great post. Great for all newbie's and anyone else considering a first cycle. Really makes us examine our motives. Thanks bro, and I hope all continues well for you!