Time for a joke or 2

**Lostsoul** · 09-22-2004, 08:01 AM

What did one vampire say to the other vampire?

Cya next month

Superman has just finished shooting a movie and he's walking down the street looks up at a building and there's batman and robin hanging off a rope. Superman yells out to batman and robin "hey guys, you wanna come out to the pub with me? Batman and robin say "no thanks, we've got another movie to shoot so superman says have a "good day", and batman and robin say "have a good day at the pub". Superman is now feeling a little bit lonely with no friends, so he's walking down the street, and he sees spiderman hanging off his web, superman yells up to spiderman "hey spiderman wanna join me at the pub for a beer? spiderman says no thanks I'm going to get my d*ck sucked. Superman says "good luck, have a good night" Then spiderman says "yeah you too superman".

Now superman feels lonely and is not going to get his d*ck sucked. So he walks down the road a little bit more. All of a sudden he stops and he hears this moaning, groaning and screaming and yelling and all these ogasmic sounds that women make. Superman thinks "what the hell is that sound?" So he's looking through the window in this building and there is wonderwoman lying on the bed stark naked, a$$ up in the air, touching herself, moaning and groaning, screaming and yelling and superman is looking through the window sweating like a pig, saying to himself "ohh I wish I had some of that" then he says to himself "wait a minute...I"m superman, I can just whip in there and whip back out and she won't even know what hit her" So superman goes WHOOSH WHOOSH and wonderwoman says "what the f*ck was that?" and the invisible man says "I dunno, but my ass hurts"

The last one has a better effect when actually told...

**hung-solo** · 09-22-2004, 08:20 AM

what do you call 6 mexicans in a lexus??----------------grand theft auto!

**co2boi** · 09-22-2004, 08:38 AM

What's the difference between 365 used tires and 365 used condoms?
One is a good year the other is a great year

**Fooboy** · 09-22-2004, 08:51 AM

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter Pounder with Cheese

**juicehoe** · 09-22-2004, 11:11 AM

ohhh thats dirty lol

Originally Posted by Fooboy

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter Pounder with Cheese

**Lostsoul** · 09-22-2004, 05:32 PM

Whats the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

**decadbal** · 09-22-2004, 05:55 PM

ingenius..you all are..

**Tushe** · 09-25-2004, 04:20 PM

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

**Kärnfysikern** · 09-25-2004, 04:30 PM

I dont remember if this was posted here or on bolex but it made me laugh like hell

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, ”That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!” The father replies ”From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”

**QbHunter** · 09-27-2004, 07:02 PM

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

**TexasFitnessGirl** · 09-27-2004, 07:22 PM

Elderly couple went on a cruise. As they started to depart the elderly woman says she forgot her hearing aids. They get to the cabin and discover that they were given bunk beds instead of a double bed, so the man politely asks his wife, Up or Down? In turn the woman jumps on him ripping off his clothes and gives him the best sex he has had in 45 years. So that night as they enter the cabin, the man ask her the same question up or down? So same thing happens, best sex ever. This went on the entire cruise. The couple finally returns home and as they are preparing for bed the woman exclaims how happy she was to have her hearing aids, the man thinking of how much fun the cruise was decides to try to get the same sex he had for the seven days, so he asks his wife Up or Down? She looks at him oddly, and he repeats up or down? She says what the hell are you talking about? He replies, you know the cruise - Up or down?, best sex ever!!! The woman laughs "Hell I thought you were saying **** or Drown."

**wolfyEVH** · 09-27-2004, 07:37 PM

how do ya know when you've had a good bj?

when you gotta pull the sheets outta your ass

**bulldawg_28** · 09-27-2004, 08:10 PM

Three guys were going on a road trip. Pretty soon it gets late, so they stop at a hotel. The room they got only had one bed, so they thought oh what the hell we just wont tell anybody, and they each crawled into bed. The next morning the guy that slept on the left side of the bed sayed " you know, I had this weird dream that an ugly chick was giving me a handjob." The guy that slept on right side of the bed said " you know, I had the exact same dream." Then the guy that slept between them said "hmm...thats weird. I dreamed I was skiing."

**BigMike J** · 09-27-2004, 08:11 PM

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalotapuss

YEAH IT'S OLD

**R.Gotti** · 09-27-2004, 08:20 PM

**OSTIE** · 09-27-2004, 08:48 PM

What do a mexican and a cue ball have in common?
-The harder you hit them, the more english you get out of them.

*I have to include a side note since this is the internet and you cant see physical expression. This joke is in no means to offend anyone, and if it does im sorry. My hispanic friend actually told me this. Its pretty racially mixed where im from and we are all comfortable with saying whatever, so us tellin racial jokes to eachother is funny.

**Superhuman** · 09-27-2004, 09:30 PM

This guy named Jim walks into a bar...
He's really horny so he's checking out all the ladies and he sees the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. He orders a beer and asks the bartender who she is. The bartender replies, "Oh, that's Betsie-Sue, she's a prostitute. She has been known to give the best blowjobs ever - and even more amazing she sings the national anthem at the same time! You should go talk to her."
Jim thinks to himself that there is no way that is possible and decides that he needs to experience it first hand. So, he walks up to her and says, "Hey, are you Betsie-Sue the prostitute?"
She replies back, "Why, yes I am. I'll give you the best head ever for 200 dollars... while singing the national anthem."
Jim says, "That's a little pricey, but I gotta see this!"
So they head over to a motel, she turns out the lights in the room, and she starts sucking his dick. After a couple minutes, she starts to sing... "Oh say can you see..."
She sings the whole song perfectly, just a little off-key. She finishes him off, and he is amazed.
"Wow, he says, that was the best orgasm I've had in my entire life! But, how the hell did you sing a song with my dick in your mouth?"
Betsie-Sue replies, "It's a secret! Do you want me tomorrow night?"
Jim agrees and they meet at the same motel the next night. He came prepared this time. He stuffed a small flashlight in his back pocket...
She starts giving him head, and a few minutes later she starts to sing, "Oh say can you see..."
Halfway through, Jim pulls the flashlight out, turns it on, and there he sees it on the floor......

A glass eyeball staring right at him!

**TexasFitnessGirl** · 09-27-2004, 09:34 PM

Originally Posted by Superhuman

This guy named Jim walks into a bar...
He's really horny so he's checking out all the ladies and he sees the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. He orders a beer and asks the bartender who she is. The bartender replies, "Oh, that's Betsie-Sue, she's a prostitute. She has been known to give the best blowjobs ever - and even more amazing she sings the national anthem at the same time! You should go talk to her."
Jim thinks to himself that there is no way that is possible and decides that he needs to experience it first hand. So, he walks up to her and says, "Hey, are you Betsie-Sue the prostitute?"
She replies back, "Why, yes I am. I'll give you the best head ever for 200 dollars... while singing the national anthem."
Jim says, "That's a little pricey, but I gotta see this!"
So they head over to a motel, she turns out the lights in the room, and she starts sucking his dick. After a couple minutes, she starts to sing... "Oh say can you see..."
She sings the whole song perfectly, just a little off-key. She finishes him off, and he is amazed.
"Wow, he says, that was the best orgasm I've had in my entire life! But, how the hell did you sing a song with my dick in your mouth?"
Betsie-Sue replies, "It's a secret! Do you want me tomorrow night?"
Jim agrees and they meet at the same motel the next night. He came prepared this time. He stuffed a small flashlight in his back pocket...
She starts giving him head, and a few minutes later she starts to sing, "Oh say can you see..."
Halfway through, Jim pulls the flashlight out, turns it on, and there he sees it on the floor......

A glass eyeball staring right at him!

That's just plain gross!

**BigMike J** · 09-27-2004, 09:46 PM

Originally Posted by Superhuman

This guy named Jim walks into a bar...
He's really horny so he's checking out all the ladies and he sees the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. He orders a beer and asks the bartender who she is. The bartender replies, "Oh, that's Betsie-Sue, she's a prostitute. She has been known to give the best blowjobs ever - and even more amazing she sings the national anthem at the same time! You should go talk to her."
Jim thinks to himself that there is no way that is possible and decides that he needs to experience it first hand. So, he walks up to her and says, "Hey, are you Betsie-Sue the prostitute?"
She replies back, "Why, yes I am. I'll give you the best head ever for 200 dollars... while singing the national anthem."
Jim says, "That's a little pricey, but I gotta see this!"
So they head over to a motel, she turns out the lights in the room, and she starts sucking his dick. After a couple minutes, she starts to sing... "Oh say can you see..."
She sings the whole song perfectly, just a little off-key. She finishes him off, and he is amazed.
"Wow, he says, that was the best orgasm I've had in my entire life! But, how the hell did you sing a song with my dick in your mouth?"
Betsie-Sue replies, "It's a secret! Do you want me tomorrow night?"
Jim agrees and they meet at the same motel the next night. He came prepared this time. He stuffed a small flashlight in his back pocket...
She starts giving him head, and a few minutes later she starts to sing, "Oh say can you see..."
Halfway through, Jim pulls the flashlight out, turns it on, and there he sees it on the floor......

A glass eyeball staring right at him!

Now that's ****ing her brains out.

**Superhuman** · 09-27-2004, 09:58 PM

I don't know if I read this on here or if a friend told me, but here goes...

There's a little girl in the shower with her mom. She looks up at her mom's big breasts and points at them and says, "Mommy, when do I get those?".
Her mom replies, "Oh, I'd say in about ten years sweetheart."
They get out and finish up their day.

The next day, the little girl takes a shower with her father. She looks down at his penis and says, "Daddy, when do I get that?"

He replies, "Oh, in about an hour, after Mommy goes to work!"

(I know, these are pretty "risque"[sp?])