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  1. #1
    mass junkie's Avatar
    mass junkie is offline banned
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    on the net

    For those wanting to get back into a workout routine

    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
    you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
    workout routine.

    Dear Diary,

    For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
    personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
    great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided
    it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
    Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model
    for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
    enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
    my progress.

    MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
    worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
    She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
    dazzling white smile.

    Woo Hoo!!!!!

    Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5
    minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
    attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
    enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
    after my workout today.

    Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
    was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
    going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

    TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and
    then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
    but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
    I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

    WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
    the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
    hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
    stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
    members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
    she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
    monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
    rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
    shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

    THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
    her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
    a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
    and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
    put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

    FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
    any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
    little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without
    unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if
    you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells
    or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
    Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

    SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
    shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
    me want to smash the machine with my planner.. However, I lacked the
    strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
    hours of the Weather Channel.

    SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
    and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
    wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or
    a vasectomy.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    on the dip rack.
    haha, is that a true story?

  3. #3
    slizzut's Avatar
    slizzut is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2004

    I definetly laughed out loud

  4. #4
    Rhino58's Avatar
    Rhino58 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    San Diego
    I would ask Belinda for a post-workout workout.

  5. #5
    decadbal's Avatar
    decadbal is offline Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    North Charlotte
    gotta be true to someone..

  6. #6
    R.Gotti's Avatar
    R.Gotti is offline Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
    hours of the Weather Channel.

    Hey junkie if you life in FL that something that we do every saturday I hope that story didnt happend to you.

  7. #7
    saboudian's Avatar
    saboudian is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Michigan State University
    This was posted a while back, but instead it was a husband getting his wife a week of personal training sessions, and the trainer was a handsome man. IDK, for some reason it was funnier when it was a woman.

  8. #8
    50%Natural's Avatar
    50%Natural is offline Respected Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    good stuff

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