? for the ladies

i was wondering.. I had a discussion with my fiance about having a child. The disagreement in this discussion was that if she were to have a child that she would not work. She said it is too hard to have a job and be pregnant. she also said it was too hard to be a mother, wife, work and have a child, so she was refusing to work. i kind of felt that this was some what selfish on the part that her income helps provide for a mortgage, car payment (Hers), 2 boys from previous and other bills. i felt kind of insulted by tha fact that she would not work even a simple clerical job sitting on her ass answering phones and filing.

Is this common?
I have known and herd of plenty of women working untill pregnancy and having a family to take care of. Is this really that hard on a woman during pregnancy???


****Please do not reply to this thread unless you have a mature answer. I can accept replys from both males and females, but if you dont have a mature reply to my serious relationship question then dont even hit the reply button.****

bro i totally see where you're coming from with the financial situation. I think she'd be able to work, at least up until the part where shes getting close to having it. And as for afterwords, i wouldn't say she had to go back right away, but i wouldn't see why she couldnt after a year or so.

Do you have family nearby or really good friends that can babysit during the day?

Yea some women don't want to work because they want to give all the attention they can to the baby! This is ok.. But if she's using the pregnancy as an excuse to not work then I'd reconsider having a child

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Originally Posted by abstrack

i was wondering.. I had a discussion with my fiance about having a child. The disagreement in this discussion was that if she were to have a child that she would not work. She said it is too hard to have a job and be pregnant. she also said it was too hard to be a mother, wife, work and have a child, so she was refusing to work. i kind of felt that this was some what selfish on the part that her income helps provide for a mortgage, car payment (Hers), 2 boys from previous and other bills. i felt kind of insulted by tha fact that she would not work even a simple clerical job sitting on her ass answering phones and filing.

Is this common?
I have known and herd of plenty of women working untill pregnancy and having a family to take care of. Is this really that hard on a woman during pregnancy???


****Please do not reply to this thread unless you have a mature answer. I can accept replys from both males and females, but if you dont have a mature reply to my serious relationship question then dont even hit the reply button.****

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Hey AB, i feel where ur coming from bro. ITs very hard today to have only one income and support a family. Id sit her down and explain the financial situation to her. Even go as far as showing her the money coming in and the money going out due to bills. Show her on paper that losing her salary will effect ur families quality of life. I had this same problem with my x wife. But IMO she wanted to get pregnant so she wouldnt have to work. U should figure out if thats her true intentions or not.

You should talk with Jdawg50. Hes going through the same situation with his wife. Good luck bro!!

OG

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Originally Posted by abstrack

i was wondering.. I had a discussion with my fiance about having a child. The disagreement in this discussion was that if she were to have a child that she would not work. She said it is too hard to have a job and be pregnant. she also said it was too hard to be a mother, wife, work and have a child, so she was refusing to work. i kind of felt that this was some what selfish on the part that her income helps provide for a mortgage, car payment (Hers), 2 boys from previous and other bills. i felt kind of insulted by tha fact that she would not work even a simple clerical job sitting on her ass answering phones and filing.

Is this common?
I have known and herd of plenty of women working untill pregnancy and having a family to take care of. Is this really that hard on a woman during pregnancy???


****Please do not reply to this thread unless you have a mature answer. I can accept replys from both males and females, but if you dont have a mature reply to my serious relationship question then dont even hit the reply button.****

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I worked up until the day i went into labor and then I went back when the baby was six weeks. At that time I didn't want all the financial burden on my husband. To be honest with you I always felt a little bad that my friends got to stay home during pregnancy and after the baby was born and become housewives. Not because I didn't want to work I actually loved my job and having a career and bringing good money into the household (i made more than my husband). At that time being a housewife was something I couldn't even imagine was interesting. But, I always felt that we were rushed everywhere, that the house was always in chaos and everything wasn't as tidy and neat as I wanted it. Looking back on it, I would have liked to stay home and do the nesting thing when my baby was born. If you talk to her and tell her how important that income is to your stability she should understand, make a deal that she works up until delivery and then she can stay home for 6 months, that you need time to prepare for when she isnt providing the second income. Also, you could get two jobs and when she sees what a strain it is on you and you are never home she will reconsider the stay home thing.

I think she is not being realistic about the situation. Like said above, let her know that the quality of life will not be the same and start letting her know what extras will have to go etc...

I can understand her working up until her 8 month and maybe 1-2 months off after the baby is born.

Good luck....

yea you need to explain that having a child is a sacrifice of time.....she should know that from previous babies. and i thought it wasnt good for you to sit on your ass all the time early in your pregnancy....

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Originally Posted by 1badcamaro

bro i totally see where you're coming from with the financial situation. I think she'd be able to work, at least up until the part where shes getting close to having it. And as for afterwords, i wouldn't say she had to go back right away, but i wouldn't see why she couldnt after a year or so.

Do you have family nearby or really good friends that can babysit during the day?

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yeah, my Mom stays close by. Also, this issues was not tha she had to work immediately after the pregnancy, it was that during the 9 months she refused to work because she said it was to much. Now I can see when it she becomes close to delivery but the intial 6-7 months she could work IMO and after the first year she could go back t work.

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Originally Posted by OGPackin

Hey AB, i feel where ur coming from bro. ITs very hard today to have only one income and support a family. Id sit her down and explain the financial situation to her. Even go as far as showing her the money coming in and the money going out due to bills. Show her on paper that losing her salary will effect ur families quality of life. I had this same problem with my x wife. But IMO she wanted to get pregnant so she wouldnt have to work. U should figure out if thats her true intentions or not.

You should talk with Jdawg50. Hes going through the same situation with his wife. Good luck bro!!

OG

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cool, I will hit up jdawg50

My wife has not worked in 4 years. Not since she was three months pregnant with our first. That being said we were lucky enought o be financialy able. We discussed it and decided her stayimg at home would be better. Now for your situation when money is tight i say she has to work. Not an option. If you can't afford to take care of your family with one income then the spouse has to work. My wife ask me all the time are we doing ok? Do you think I need to get a job? Her willingness to work makes it easier for me to tell her to stay home.

Good luck bro. hard situation.

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Originally Posted by TexasFitnessGirl

I worked up until the day i went into labor and then I went back when the baby was six weeks. At that time I didn't want all the financial burden on my husband. To be honest with you I always felt a little bad that my friends got to stay home during pregnancy and after the baby was born and become housewives. Not because I didn't want to work I actually loved my job and having a career and bringing good money into the household (i made more than my husband). At that time being a housewife was something I couldn't even imagine was interesting. But, I always felt that we were rushed everywhere, that the house was always in chaos and everything wasn't as tidy and neat as I wanted it. Looking back on it, I would have liked to stay home and do the nesting thing when my baby was born. If you talk to her and tell her how important that income is to your stability she should understand, make a deal that she works up until delivery and then she can stay home for 6 months, that you need time to prepare for when she isnt providing the second income. Also, you could get two jobs and when she sees what a strain it is on you and you are never home she will reconsider the stay home thing.

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I actually told her how important the income was and I already work 12+ hours a day. She just simply refused to work during pregnancy and would not even consider the fact of working. The thing that gets me is that she just simply stated that pregnancy, beign married and being a mother of 2 boys was already enough and that if she was pregnant she would not work period. if i wanted her to work then she would not get pregnant. She gave me the choice- pregnant= no work not-pregnant= work
their was no grey area for discussion on her part no matter how much the money was. I even said i would get a night job on top of my 12+ hour daily job. She then said she didnt want that kind of burden on me, but she still wouldnt budge on the main issue. :unsure:

It really depends bro. There's no reason why she can't work during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. (She will be sick and hella lethargic in the first). But after the baby is born it may cost your more for her to work.

How old are the other 2 boys? We they be in daycare or are they in school? If they are in daycare, will she keep them at home as well, or will they stay in daycare? Lot's of things to consider. Not taking either side here bro, but being a stay at home mom is hard ass work. She will see that and she will likely get bored and miss having social interaction.

If she is going to stay at home, you guys should discuss what that entails. e.g. Being a housewife is her "job" now. That means she has to clean, cook, do laundry, etc, mostly without your help. Except for when she's too big and recovering from delivery.

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Originally Posted by Mart651

My wife has not worked in 4 years. Not since she was three months pregnant with our first. That being said we were lucky enought o be financialy able. We discussed it and decided her stayimg at home would be better. Now for your situation when money is tight i say she has to work. Not an option. If you can't afford to take care of your family with one income then the spouse has to work. My wife ask me all the time are we doing ok? Do you think I need to get a job? Her willingness to work makes it easier for me to tell her to stay home.

Good luck bro. hard situation.

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we could get by with just my income, but it would be by thread and teeth and we would be eating rice and beans for along time. the thing is that she wants a new car and we're looking to move into a new house. Having 2 boys already and all the the new bills is going to require a 2nd income to live somewhat comfortably IMO. I just refuse to live in an appartment when for a few hundred dollars more we could get a house with more space and our money would become a incestment rather than making someone else rich. I guess i am going to have to sit her down and write all this down on paper for her to see.

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Originally Posted by co2boi

It really depends bro. There's no reason why she can't work during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. (She will be sick and hella lethargic in the first). But after the baby is born it may cost your more for her to work.

How old are the other 2 boys? We they be in daycare or are they in school? If they are in daycare, will she keep them at home as well, or will they stay in daycare? Lot's of things to consider. Not taking either side here bro, but being a stay at home mom is hard ass work. She will see that and she will likely get bored and miss having social interaction.

If she is going to stay at home, you guys should discuss what that entails. e.g. Being a housewife is her "job" now. That means she has to clean, cook, do laundry, etc, mostly without your help. Except for when she's too big and recovering from delivery.

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the 2 boys are 9 and 3 so they can go to school and day care. My job actually has a day care inside the place. Also my mother stays close by and she is retired and would have no problem watching her 2 grandchildren.

thanks fo all the great replies! this has got me thinking a bit more and i really apreciate all the mature answers.

~Abs~

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Originally Posted by abstrack

we could get by with just my income, but it would be by thread and teeth and we would be eating rice and beans for along time. the thing is that she wants a new car and we're looking to move into a new house. Having 2 boys already and all the the new bills is going to require a 2nd income to live somewhat comfortably IMO. I just refuse to live in an appartment when for a few hundred dollars more we could get a house with more space and our money would become a incestment rather than making someone else rich. I guess i am going to have to sit her down and write all this down on paper for her to see.

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Hey ab, one thing u need to realize is most women live in a fantasy world. They make decisions based on emotions where IMHO men make decision based on facts. You need to sit her down and show her on paper the financial situation and the burden she wants u to take on. If shes not willing to see the facts then u really need to think about having a baby at this point. I really feel forya bro! I know what ur going through and its a tough situation because shes making u out to be the bad guy and all ur trying to do is the right thing for u and ur family....Good luck!!

OG

when my wife was preg. with my daughter she worked up until it was pretty close to the birth. But after that we decided that she should stay home to raise the kids. It was a strain on the cash flow big time but I wanted my kids raised by a parent and not a day care (family isn't close enough to help out at the time). The funny thing was about two or three months after the birth she was goin stir crazy staying at home........it wasn't long after that when I came home one day and she informed me that she was going back to work but only part time. It didn't pay much at all but as long as it made her happy I was more than cool with it.

Sounds as though you're in a tough spot.....if she refuses to compromise there's not much you can do. How bad do YOU want to have a child? That's the real question you need answered.

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Originally Posted by OGPackin

Hey ab, one thing u need to realize is most women live in a fantasy world. They make decisions based on emotions where IMHO men make decision based on facts. You need to sit her down and show her on paper the financial situation and the burden she wants u to take on. If shes not willing to see the facts then u really need to think about having a baby at this point. I really feel forya bro! I know what ur going through and its a tough situation because shes making u out to be the bad guy and all ur trying to do is the right thing for u and ur family....Good luck!!

OG

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OG I'm gonna tase you!!!!

First...women can work until the day they go in labor...I did with both of my kids. IN FACT with my first one I went to work IN LABOR to finish something I wanted done before I went on 6 weeks conv leave. I pulled my weight and never used my pregnancy as an excuse not to do anything. Unless the doctor says 100% bed rest, there's no reason NOT to work. Sounds to me like she's looking for an excuse not to...and pregnancy is just that excuse. Sorry if I'm too harsh on this topic.

Second....I agree that sitting down and putting it in writing is a good idea. How old is she? Is there a rush to have a baby NOW? Show her where you stand now financially. Make sure you include the $ you spend on entertainent, movies, her trips to the salon for hair and nails, the kids extras, etc. Then show her where you will stand without the income. Moving expenses, etc on top. Then add in diapers, formula, doctors bills, etc. There goes dinner out, those nice haircuts and doing anything with the family.

Develop a plan together. Look at the bills you need to pay off and find a way to clear up extra income...set a dead line and then agree that at that deadline, providing you have achieved your goals you can proceed with the pregnancy. She could work up to whatever point she's comfortable with and then quit.

There has to be compromise.

Good luck :)

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Originally Posted by Commando_Barbi

First...women can work until the day they go in labor...I did with both of my kids. IN FACT with my first one I went to work IN LABOR to finish something I wanted done before I went on 6 weeks conv leave. I pulled my weight and never used my pregnancy as an excuse not to do anything. Unless the doctor says 100% bed rest, there's no reason NOT to work. Sounds to me like she's looking for an excuse not to...and pregnancy is just that excuse. Sorry if I'm too harsh on this topic.

Second....I agree that sitting down and putting it in writing is a good idea. How old is she? Is there a rush to have a baby NOW? Show her where you stand now financially. Make sure you include the $ you spend on entertainent, movies, her trips to the salon for hair and nails, the kids extras, etc. Then show her where you will stand without the income. Moving expenses, etc on top. Then add in diapers, formula, doctors bills, etc. There goes dinner out, those nice haircuts and doing anything with the family.

Develop a plan together. Look at the bills you need to pay off and find a way to clear up extra income...set a dead line and then agree that at that deadline, providing you have achieved your goals you can proceed with the pregnancy. She could work up to whatever point she's comfortable with and then quit.

There has to be compromise.

Good luck :)

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great post. we're not in rush, but we just had this conversation the other day and it kind of got to me. I believe i have to really sit down and map all this out to her on paper so she can see the financial burden it will put on te family. i am pretty level headed and can compromise with her, but she needs to see my point of view rather than being just black and white on the matter.

I understand it's hard. Compromise is sooo important to a successful relationship.

I think the key is not to say NO but tell her yes but not right away and here's why and here's when I think we can do it without putting our credit and financial status in jeapordy.