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Thread: A joke or 2

  1. #1
    Chemical King's Avatar
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    A joke or 2

    When I was mortal last night I found these jokes fu*king hilarious so thought id share then with the board:

    Man 1 : I got a job in tesco yesterday only to get the sack within 5 minutes of starting

    Man 2 : Why was that

    Man 3 : Because an asylum seeker came up to the wine counter and asked me to reccomend a good port to him, so I told him to goto Dover, now fu*k off

    Another one I found quite funny was this :

    A man has just been circumsized at the doctors and decides he will walk into ASDA and slap his big penis on the counter and says - "roll back this you cu*t"

    ........................Well I though they were quite funny at the time, any1 else agree

  2. #2
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    not LOLin...

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by shaun_brotherton
    When I was mortal last night I found these jokes fu*king hilarious so thought id share then with the board:

    Man 1 : I got a job in tesco yesterday only to get the sack within 5 minutes of starting

    Man 2 : Why was that

    Man 3 : Because an asylum seeker came up to the wine counter and asked me to reccomend a good port to him, so I told him to goto Dover, now fu*k off

    Another one I found quite funny was this :

    A man has just been circumsized at the doctors and decides he will walk into ASDA and slap his big penis on the counter and says - "roll back this you cu*t"

    ........................Well I though they were quite funny at the time, any1 else agree
    These might be funny there, however they are stinkers here in the states…

  4. #4
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    lol they arent very funny, and all the guys in the states wont understand

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    im confused

  7. #7
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    Unhappy

    il just shut up then until i cum up with some better ones

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    Unhappy

    il just shut up then until i cum up with some better ones

  9. #9
    Blown_SC is offline Retired Vet
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    Definitely

    Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
    First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

    Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

    Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

    "Does a fart have lumps?"

    The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

    "OK...then I DEFINITELY **** my pants..."

  10. #10
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    Wtf?????????

  11. #11
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    lol, nice 1. If anybody has any better ones than feel free to hijack my thread.....................and by the way my original jokes refered to this : an asylum seeker always comes via dover and wine is also a type of port. Also ASDA superstore have this thing where they "roll back" their prices. So do you all get it now

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by itsallmental
    im confused
    yeaaa

  13. #13
    Chemical King's Avatar
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    Never mind then

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    Wtf?

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    what

    so just b/c we're americans we don't know what a port wine is? thanks for the vote of confidence in our sophistication. go back and eat your cheese and drink your port wine.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by GQSuperman
    so just b/c we're americans we don't know what a port wine is? thanks for the vote of confidence in our sophistication. go back and eat your cheese and drink your port wine.

    what u on about

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Decadbal
    not LOLin...
    the same feeling bestowed me as well.

  18. #18
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    well instead of complaining about it why dont some of you post some better jokes

  19. #19
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    am i weird because i laughed at the second one
    but isnt roll back at curries??

  20. #20
    Chemical King's Avatar
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    yeah mate but ASDA do it as well but fu*k knows who thought of it first..........who cares anyway

  21. #21
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    Why did the prevert cross the road?

    'cause his dick was stuck in the chicken!

  22. #22
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    An old Texas farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look things over as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted “We’re not getting out until you leave!”

    The old man frowned and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding up the bucket he said ....

    “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

  23. #23
    Chemical King's Avatar
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    NOT BAD. But with a kick - ass name like "house of pain id of though you would have some better ones than that.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by shaun_brotherton
    NOT BAD. But with a kick - ass name like "house of pain id of though you would have some better ones than that.
    oh it appears i have been called out. ill see what i can dig up for ya

  25. #25
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    Tooth hurts
    A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

    The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
    After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

    "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.
    After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

  26. #26
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    Special Sauce
    A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter.

    “Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile.

    “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

    “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”

    “Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bigen12
    Special Sauce
    A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter.

    “Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile.

    “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

    “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”

    “Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”
    i like that one!

  28. #28
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    A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
    The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

    The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

    The bartender says, "What do you have?"

    The guy says, "75 cents."

  29. #29
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    A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots of tequila and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

    The bartender says, "Dang, you sure are you drinking them fast, what are you celebrating?"

    The guy says, "My first blow job!"

    The bartender says, "Wow! how was it?"

    The guy says, "Awful, I am still trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

  30. #30
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    Man Falls Asleep At Church...

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
    local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
    husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
    embarrassing. What should I do?"

    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
    I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
    motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
    good poke in the leg."

    In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
    this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
    ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

    "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
    hatpin.

    "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
    Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
    your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
    Mrs. Jones.

    "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

    "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
    Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
    notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
    motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
    husband with the hatpin again.

    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
    him his 99th son?"

    Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
    god****ed thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
    and shove it up your ass!"

    "Amen," replied the congregation.

  31. #31
    houseofpain's Avatar
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    this is one of my fav's:

    SHARKS??

    On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Pope mobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.


    There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speed-boat raced up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

    Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

    As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

    "It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is supposedly in direct contact with God and access to God's wisdom."

    "Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing........how's the bait holding up?"

  32. #32
    Blown_SC is offline Retired Vet
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    Quote Originally Posted by houseofpain
    this is one of my fav's:

    SHARKS??

    On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Pope mobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.


    There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speed-boat raced up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

    Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

    As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

    "It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is supposedly in direct contact with God and access to God's wisdom."

    "Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing........how's the bait holding up?"
    Bwahaha... redeemed muh boy

  33. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by houseofpain
    this is one of my fav's:

    SHARKS??

    On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Pope mobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.


    There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speed-boat raced up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

    Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

    As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

    "It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is supposedly in direct contact with God and access to God's wisdom."

    "Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing........how's the bait holding up?"


  34. #34
    Hypertrophy's Avatar
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    What is the best thing about 26 year-olds??









    There is 20 of them

  35. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hypertrophy
    What is the best thing about 26 year-olds??









    There is 20 of them
    WOW

  36. #36
    Cycleon is offline AR-Hall of Famer / Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hypertrophy
    What is the best thing about 26 year-olds??









    There is 20 of them

    ewwwwwwww :bleh:

  37. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hypertrophy
    What is the best thing about 26 year-olds??









    There is 20 of them
    THATS JUST SICK!!!



    Whats the best thing about taking a shower with an 8 year old girl...?



    ...If you pull her hair back she looks 6!






    [I]Disclaimer[B]I aint into that, i posted the joke for the amusement of Hypertrophy

  38. #38
    FCECC2 is offline Anabolic Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hypertrophy
    What is the best thing about 26 year-olds??









    There is 20 of them

  39. #39
    BOUNCER is offline Retired Vet
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    Q; Whats the difference between a 'Fridge and a pussy?..



    A; When you take your meat out of the 'fridge it doesn't fart!

  40. #40
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    what do a pizza delivery boy and a gynocologist have in common?









    They both can sniff it but sure as hell can't eat it

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