Hookers + Stomach Problems = Funny Story
I couldn't stop laughing.
Myself and the woman planned a one night getaway. We thought that in light of all our recent problems we'd try to solve them and have some 'private' time in a bed...and not the backseat of my car.
Anyways, we tried to find a nice hotel, but the prices were just ridiculous. I wanted one night, not the bloody weekend, so I decided to drive around.
I came across a relatively clean looking Motel 6 and decided to give it a whirl. $60 bucks didn't sound too bad and it was getting late, but before we made our final decision, I informed my woman that I was starving and needed some food in my system. She wasn't too hungry but agreed to come along with me while I went pick up food.
I ended up going to a Subway and picked up a BMT (Best Meat Trio) and just by looking at it, I knew I was asking for problems. Regardless, I ate it and as if a sign from Satan himself, I felt my stomach start turning.
Now that's a bad combo. I was horny as hell but felt the ****s coming on. So what do you do? I'll tell you...hold that **** in...literally.
We ended up going back to the hotel and started to make out. My stomach started to bloat from all the gas I was trying to hold in. My girl went to grab the goods when I almost let one rip and told her to relax. I thought I was literally gonna explode, but I held it in.
Anyways, we ended up doing the dirty dirty and everything went off without a hitch. I told her that I had to go wash my hands and the "Unit" off and turned the sink on full blast. I sat my ass on the toilet and tried to be as silent as I can without hinting to her that I had some serious stomach issues.
PFFFT! One snuck out. Then PFFT PFFT PFFT! Three smaller ones ripped around. I heard my girl ask me if everything was okay, but I tried to play it cool. I told her everything was fine and that the noise was my feet on the tiles. She fell for it....until the loud PLUMP noise was heard as it slipped out. It was like I was being punished for lying to her about my bowel movements. I swear to god, it was like dropping a ball in a swimming pool with no one in it and listening to the echo of the impact. Horrible.
Anyways, I came back and she didn't ask any questions. A few minutes passed and I was hoping that the smell would vanish. It didn't.
She got up to go check her teeth, but she was good about it. Didn't say ONE word and came back to bed. Gave me a kiss and said goodnight. PHEW.
Anyways, at about 4am I start getting real thirsty and still with the bloat from all the gas that I'm still trying to hold in. I couldn't take it anymore and had to take a number two...I get up and tell my girl that I'm going to go downstairs to the main lobby to get a drink and ask if she wants anything. She says no and turns around and falls back asleep.
I put my clothes and and leave the room. As soon as I'm in the hallway, I look around and it's clear. PFFFFFFT PFFFFFFFFT PFFFFFFFFFFFFT! I thought I actually ripped my underwear. I stopped and checked to see if anything slipped out, but I was good to go. I continued to walk to the elevator trying to make it to the lobby handicap bathroom so I can just let everything out in peace.
I continue to walk and with every step I let out a PFFT and made my way to the elevator. I get in and let a few more rip out knowing that I'm not going to wake anyone up.
The elevator stops on the second level and it's filled with the PFFT aftermath. The door opens and there's three hookers who are all hot as hell. They're all on cell phones and I'm thinking, "Oh...****". I put my head down and walked out, even though it was the wrong floor.
I turn the corner when all I hear at 4am is three hookers go "EWW! WHAT THE HELL! EWWW!". They actually started to scream....a scream that was cut off as they entered the dark stench of the elevator on a journey they wouldn't forget.
I couldn't stop laughing, but each time I laughed a PFFT would slip out...which, made me laugh even more.
Anyways, I ended up making it through the night. As my girl dropped me off at home she gave me a nice goodbye kiss. I gave it back and said I would call her in a bit...her reply?
"I won't be expecting it anytime soon, I'm sure you have a very important appointment with the washroom. Bye baby, love you."
Then she drove off and I ran to the washroom.
True story.
