01-10-2005, 09:54 AM #1
Age Old Wisdom...
The Next Time You Are Having A Bad Day Think About This:
You're A Siamese Twin.
Your Brother Attached At Your Shoulder Is Gay.
He Has A Date Coming Over Tonight.
You Only Have One A$$.
Last edited by *Narkissos*; 01-10-2005 at 10:07 AM.
01-10-2005, 09:56 AM #2
01-10-2005, 09:57 AM #3
LMAO!! good one bro!
01-10-2005, 09:58 AM #4
lol haha, your speaking from experience i take it? i thought you are KLG looked similar...
01-10-2005, 09:59 AM #5
Ha ha ha you had me laughing. Thats so gross!
01-10-2005, 10:05 AM #6
The Good..The Bad..The Ugly
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly!
· Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
· Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
· Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
· Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
· Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
· Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
· Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
· Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
· Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
· Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
01-10-2005, 10:08 AM #7Originally Posted by Narkissos
01-10-2005, 10:11 AM #8
There was a boy who had to walk by a whore house everyday on his way
home from school. Each day he would be so shy that as he walked by the
house, he would keep his head down. One day the boy got the courage to
look up and was shocked to see three prostitutes sitting on the front
porch with their legs spread open wide and no underwear on. The boy got
a good look and he just stared and stared.
One prostitute spoke up, "What's wrong boy?
Haven't you ever seen one before?
You came out of one didn't ya?"
To which the boy replied, "Yeah, but I've never seen one big enough
that I could crawl back into before!".
01-10-2005, 10:12 AM #9
A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers that his wife
had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to
get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."
01-10-2005, 11:26 AM #10
Awesome **** Narkissos, keep em coming.
01-10-2005, 12:54 PM #11Originally Posted by MESSY_UK
Stole the words right out of my mouth!!! LOL
01-10-2005, 01:40 PM #12
Your on a roll. Cracken up over here....
01-10-2005, 01:50 PM #13
Daamn I know you can't wait til school starts you are writing essays on AR for fun.
01-10-2005, 03:12 PM #14
01-10-2005, 03:51 PM #15
01-10-2005, 04:32 PM #16Associate Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2004
01-10-2005, 04:37 PM #17
01-13-2005, 10:11 PM #18
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
was pulled over by a woman police officer, also a blonde. The cop
see the blonde's driver's license. The driver dug through her purse
was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
01-13-2005, 10:18 PM #19Originally Posted by Narkissos
01-13-2005, 10:24 PM #20
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny looked worried..."Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."
"Why?" said his father. "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I think he wants to buy Mom."
01-13-2005, 10:26 PM #21
some good humor there........gonna have to pass this on to my bros.......... ..........................
01-13-2005, 10:32 PM #22
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
01-13-2005, 10:35 PM #23
01-13-2005, 10:39 PM #24
01-13-2005, 10:39 PM #25
Some short ones
Q: What was the cause of the break up between Prince Charles and Lady D?
A: Lady D discovers that not all rulers have 12 inches.
Virgin male on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?
OLD MAN: Can you give me an erection?
FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer, but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.
2 employees were caught naked and having sèx in the office by the guard.
GUARD: Aha! Violating company rules!
MAN: What rule?
GUARD: Not wearing uniforms.
Q: What is the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology.
If he looks like the neighbor, that's sociology.
Q: Define Impotence?
A: It's nature's way of saying "NO HARD FEELINGS".
A husband was asked: Do you talk to you wife after sèx?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.
At the movie house.
GIRL: Honey, the man beside me is masturbating.
BoyFriend: Just ignore him dear.
GIRL: I can't. He's using my hand!!
Q: Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
Boy 1: Why did you run away from the naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mom said that if I look at a naked lady I will turn to stone and
a part of me was already getting hard!!
01-13-2005, 10:41 PM #26
This is cool..no that's a lie...i'm about to turn on my fan and hit the sack...it's a hot nite in 'lil england'
01-13-2005, 10:48 PM #27
just don't have anymore dreams about me again................i would trade places with you since its cold as hell here and the heat is running up my electric bill sky high...............
01-13-2005, 11:13 PM #28
aite i promise
No more dreams (dang...dudes always ghey-ifying my threads )
01-16-2005, 08:47 AM #29
The age of consent
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said,
"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
01-16-2005, 08:50 AM #30
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
01-16-2005, 08:53 AM #31
love is blindness
Love Is Blindness
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
01-16-2005, 08:54 AM #32
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
01-16-2005, 09:23 AM #33
that's some funny ass s*it bro keep em coming
01-16-2005, 01:51 PM #34Anabolic Member
Originally Posted by Narkissos
- Join Date
- Mar 2004
01-18-2005, 03:16 PM #35
01-18-2005, 03:23 PM #36
01-29-2005, 02:19 PM #37
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Daisy May got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Daisy May got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Daisy May didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Daisy May with me.
02-13-2005, 02:31 PM #38
The best one
this one made my day:
An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today
I get hunat eighty?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
02-13-2005, 02:50 PM #39
Man, these are some good jokes havn't heard 1 of them b4 they are good... gota memorize some of them to tell to my friends...
02-13-2005, 02:58 PM #40VET Retired
- Join Date
- Dec 2001
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