My MIND - My own worst ENEMY ????

I will apologize ahead of time for this long post, but I need to release. I have been lifting hard for 4 months or so, alot of my quick gains are basically muscle memory from before my accident that is mentioned in this thread.... http://forums.steroid.com/new-members-male-female/137597-erndog21971-about-myself.html .... and I am eating the diet that is laid out in this thread.... http://forums.steroid.com/read-here-first/113010-unoffical-how-bulk-thread-sample-diet.html .... and resting like I should. Now don't get me wrong, I am making gains, even good gains, I have had a positive attitude and I have never been more " hungry " or serious about lifting as I have been for the past few months. People that have not seen me for a while say I look bigger than I ever was, even at 203, this is due to the clean diet and more definition, almost like an optical illusion since my arms are the same size now as they were when I weighed 203, I am now 172 lbs. But the point of this post is this: Here recently some days I get up and look in the mirror and think "YES" I am looking good, and I am almost on a high, then some days I look in the mirror and I feel small. I want to be BIG now!!! I am sure alot of you feel the same. I know I need to keep a positive attitude as it will help my recovery and also my focus. I am sure if I weighed 225 and ripped I would still feel the same way, never really happy with myself. I need to quit beating myself up, but some days it seems hard not to. I come to this board and get some uplifting by reading some of your threads and searching for advice in the archives. I am just having a bad few days in a row and it is usually just one here and there, almost like depression, but it feels more like anger from so much desire to be bigger that I am being extra hard on myself. I have people almost every day saying positive things about the changes I am making and it was great for a while, but now I am almost like " yeah right" . I don't mean to use you guys for my personal pshychiatrist...LOL... but I just needed to vent, and maybe tomorrow things will be different. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and any positive comments or suggestions will help I am sure.

There there, let it all out.

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Originally Posted by Mesomorphyl

There there, let it all out.

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:lol:

Thanks guys this is helping, I need to keep these things to my self I guess.

Try suppressing it and push everything down deep where it is lost, bottle it up tight so that way nobody can see it. That is what I do anyway.

Maybe you are right, I need to be more like a robot and show no emotion, except for this post I have not expressed how I felt to any of my freinds and they do not like how I am acting, cold, not caring either way about anything, and it seems to bring everyone down, how can 1 person have that much impact on everyone around them, how I am should not affect them so much if I am not inflicting any input their way.

As one who suffered a major injury some 19 months ago and who is still re-habbing, I know how you are feeling. I am not sure why the others here are being very cruel, but that's not something I would expect w/a story like your's, seeing as MOST of us are here for the same reasons, self-improvement and betterment. However, as one who has his fair share of haters and the like, I'd have to just suggest you ignore those who try to be billy bad-ass and come across as if they have no feelings, have never been depressed, etc. Trust me, one incident (karma is a bitch) will bring them plummeting back to earth at a most accelerated pace. When that happens, well, that's another issue.

Anyhow, try to remember that your body and image is only ONE part of your life. Hell, lifting/my image/my biz/sponsors/web-site/image up-keep/future/etc., ARE my life as that is my career, however I also have a family, a wife/son, a great future in LIFE period no matter what I decided to do later if it includes muscles/weights/etc. What I mean is, sometimes you get sooooooooo wrapped up in fitness, that you see NOTHING else. Then when your love and your 100% healthy ripped/lean/attractive look is taken from you, you are left searching endlessly for other parts of yourself, all of which can go totally un-recovered and not found.

Don't let that happen. Realize that time is time, you can't change it, and you will recover over TIME! In the mean-time you should do other things to occupy your time, it makes things go A LOT easier. Trust me, I've been through hell and back 2-3 times!! Worrying about it and stressing are the worst things you can do, and your mind makes the situation 100 times worse than it really is. It truly is all in the head, and only you have control over it.

It takes practice, yes, but it can be done. I am proof of that. I am just finally getting my entire look back together after extensive knee re-hab, and these last 19+ months have been the most painful in my 32 years on the planet. However, the strength that I now have aside from JUST physical strength, is not something I would trade for even turning pro.

H*ll no. For there are some things MORE important that just looking good.

Best wishes,

~SC~

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Originally Posted by erndog21971

I will apologize ahead of time for this long post, but I need to release. I have been lifting hard for 4 months or so, alot of my quick gains are basically muscle memory from before my accident that is mentioned in this thread.... http://forums.steroid.com/showthread.php?t=137597 .... and I am eating the diet that is laid out in this thread.... http://forums.steroid.com/showthread.php?t=113010 .... and resting like I should. Now don't get me wrong, I am making gains, even good gains, I have had a positive attitude and I have never been more " hungry " or serious about lifting as I have been for the past few months. People that have not seen me for a while say I look bigger than I ever was, even at 203, this is due to the clean diet and more definition, almost like an optical illusion since my arms are the same size now as they were when I weighed 203, I am now 172 lbs. But the point of this post is this: Here recently some days I get up and look in the mirror and think "YES" I am looking good, and I am almost on a high, then some days I look in the mirror and I feel small. I want to be BIG now!!! I am sure alot of you feel the same. I know I need to keep a positive attitude as it will help my recovery and also my focus. I am sure if I weighed 225 and ripped I would still feel the same way, never really happy with myself. I need to quit beating myself up, but some days it seems hard not to. I come to this board and get some uplifting by reading some of your threads and searching for advice in the archives. I am just having a bad few days in a row and it is usually just one here and there, almost like depression, but it feels more like anger from so much desire to be bigger that I am being extra hard on myself. I have people almost every day saying positive things about the changes I am making and it was great for a while, but now I am almost like " yeah right" . I don't mean to use you guys for my personal pshychiatrist...LOL... but I just needed to vent, and maybe tomorrow things will be different. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and any positive comments or suggestions will help I am sure.

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Originally Posted by erndog21971

Maybe you are right, I need to be more like a robot and show no emotion, except for this post I have not expressed how I felt to any of my freinds and they do not like how I am acting, cold, not caring either way about anything, and it seems to bring everyone down, how can 1 person have that much impact on everyone around them, how I am should not affect them so much if I am not inflicting any input their way.

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If you take that sh*tty advice and you do this, watch who you become 6 months from now.

U will be in a corner, all by yourself, alone and in mental agony.

Don't do that, the above is hideous/juvenile/assinine advice.

~SC~

Hey bud, now I have been through something like this too. I had to go through surgery and could not eat solid food for 3 months. I was feed intraveneously by pickline. Its called tpn. I just have never really showed my emotions. My sincere apologies if you think for one minute I was being serious.

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Originally Posted by SwoleCat

If you take that sh*tty advice and you do this, watch who you become 6 months from now.

U will be in a corner, all by yourself, alone and in mental agony.

Don't do that, the above is hideous/juvenile/assinine advice.

~SC~

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He is right, although it was not actual advice. You need to see a doctor, or you will be curled in a ball in the corner.

Thanks alot swole for showing that you are a REAL person who is serious about how who he is and not afraid to let it show, my hats off to you. I do realize there are other things in my life that are more important than getting bigger, but i am so hungry right now for it, I need to realize that it does take time, and I will get there eventually. You are a positive force on this board and your opinion counts high on my list of people on this board, Thank You !!!! You are an inspiration to all who accept what you give.

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Originally Posted by erndog21971

Thanks alot swole for showing that you are a REAL person who is serious about how who he is and not afraid to let it show, my hats off to you. I do realize there are other things in my life that are more important than getting bigger, but i am so hungry right now for it, I need to realize that it does take time, and I will get there eventually. You are a positive force on this board and your opinion counts high on my list of people on this board, Thank You !!!! You are an inspiration to all who accept what you give.

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I think I just threw up a little.

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Originally Posted by SwoleCat

As one who suffered a major injury some 19 months ago and who is still re-habbing, I know how you are feeling. I am not sure why the others here are being very cruel, but that's not something I would expect w/a story like your's, seeing as MOST of us are here for the same reasons, self-improvement and betterment. However, as one who has his fair share of haters and the like, I'd have to just suggest you ignore those who try to be billy bad-ass and come across as if they have no feelings, have never been depressed, etc. Trust me, one incident (karma is a bitch) will bring them plummeting back to earth at a most accelerated pace. When that happens, well, that's another issue.

Anyhow, try to remember that your body and image is only ONE part of your life. Hell, lifting/my image/my biz/sponsors/web-site/image up-keep/future/etc., ARE my life as that is my career, however I also have a family, a wife/son, a great future in LIFE period no matter what I decided to do later if it includes muscles/weights/etc. What I mean is, sometimes you get sooooooooo wrapped up in fitness, that you see NOTHING else. Then when your love and your 100% healthy ripped/lean/attractive look is taken from you, you are left searching endlessly for other parts of yourself, all of which can go totally un-recovered and not found.

Don't let that happen. Realize that time is time, you can't change it, and you will recover over TIME! In the mean-time you should do other things to occupy your time, it makes things go A LOT easier. Trust me, I've been through hell and back 2-3 times!! Worrying about it and stressing are the worst things you can do, and your mind makes the situation 100 times worse than it really is. It truly is all in the head, and only you have control over it.

It takes practice, yes, but it can be done. I am proof of that. I am just finally getting my entire look back together after extensive knee re-hab, and these last 19+ months have been the most painful in my 32 years on the planet. However, the strength that I now have aside from JUST physical strength, is not something I would trade for even turning pro.

H*ll no. For there are some things MORE important that just looking good.

Best wishes,

~SC~

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After Sc's excellent reply I doubt there is much any of us can add to it. I will say that venting here to a bunch of people you don't know does have it's advantages and I do it every now and then myself and always feel much better afterwards. Even if I end up deleting the post after feeling silly about going into personal crap ;)

At 256 lbs I still look into the mirror and see a toothpick so don't get caught up in that game since it's hard to get out.

I am usually so mentally positive about my progress, but like i said everyone has bad days here and there but mine has been for 4 straight days. I am a little run down and tired, so maybe some good rest this week will help, i don't think it is serious, I just wanted to share how I felt and how the mind can play tricks on you, and see if it effects everyone the same day. If it lasts for a few more days I will go see my doc.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by erndog21971

Thanks alot swole for showing that you are a REAL person who is serious about how who he is and not afraid to let it show, my hats off to you. I do realize there are other things in my life that are more important than getting bigger, but i am so hungry right now for it, I need to realize that it does take time, and I will get there eventually. You are a positive force on this board and your opinion counts high on my list of people on this board, Thank You !!!! You are an inspiration to all who accept what you give.

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No problem, I am a real person just as you are bro, no differences whatsoever.

Believe me, it's extremely easier said than done when you love fitness as I do, and as it appears you do as well. (which prompted u to write all of this, your TRUE feelings as well!) That takes balls! Anyhow, it's FAR easier said than done, just like dieting is, and sticking to your diet daily and not cheating. Don't cheat w/your brain and get off-track in the big scheme of things.

I'd look into setting 2 week or 4 week "goals" depending upon the steps you know you still have to take. It makes things far move reachable. Know what my first goal was? Well, it was to be able to take a sh*t by myself with NO HELP, and being able to sit down on a toilet. Wow, what an accomplishment huh??? Both legs in immobilizers for 3+ months, lower body taken from me, no bending of the knees, totally de-tached, hanging and dangling freely, now u wanna talk depressed? Especially when u KNOW how crucial (newbies aside) LEG TRAINING is to a balanced physique?? I wasn't in depression, I WAS depression.

Not anymore.

If you haven't listened to my hour long interview courtesy of the CEO of Natural Physiques, nor my interview with T-Mag on-line, I'd suggest you check out both of those pieces of media. I've been told they have helped quite a few people get things in check/perspective. If I can do it, you can do it.

~SC~

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Originally Posted by Mesomorphyl

I think I just threw up a little.

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Bro, what's your gig? :unsure:

One minute you're demeaning him, the next you are being what I thought was retractive and then supportive in a weird way, now you're back to your grade b jokes that are everything but funny.

Karma brutha, don't let it hit ya. I know of where I speak.

~SC~

If you haven't listed to my hour long interview courtesy of the CEO of Natural Physiques, nor my interview with T-Mag on-line, I'd suggest you check out both of those pieces of media. I've been told they have helped quite a few people get things in check/perspective. If I can do it, you can do it.

~SC~[/QUOTE]

Will do. Thanks

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Originally Posted by SwoleCat

As one who suffered a major injury some 19 months ago and who is still re-habbing, I know how you are feeling. I am not sure why the others here are being very cruel, but that's not something I would expect w/a story like your's, seeing as MOST of us are here for the same reasons, self-improvement and betterment. However, as one who has his fair share of haters and the like, I'd have to just suggest you ignore those who try to be billy bad-ass and come across as if they have no feelings, have never been depressed, etc. Trust me, one incident (karma is a bitch) will bring them plummeting back to earth at a most accelerated pace. When that happens, well, that's another issue.

Anyhow, try to remember that your body and image is only ONE part of your life. Hell, lifting/my image/my biz/sponsors/web-site/image up-keep/future/etc., ARE my life as that is my career, however I also have a family, a wife/son, a great future in LIFE period no matter what I decided to do later if it includes muscles/weights/etc. What I mean is, sometimes you get sooooooooo wrapped up in fitness, that you see NOTHING else. Then when your love and your 100% healthy ripped/lean/attractive look is taken from you, you are left searching endlessly for other parts of yourself, all of which can go totally un-recovered and not found.

Don't let that happen. Realize that time is time, you can't change it, and you will recover over TIME! In the mean-time you should do other things to occupy your time, it makes things go A LOT easier. Trust me, I've been through hell and back 2-3 times!! Worrying about it and stressing are the worst things you can do, and your mind makes the situation 100 times worse than it really is. It truly is all in the head, and only you have control over it.

It takes practice, yes, but it can be done. I am proof of that. I am just finally getting my entire look back together after extensive knee re-hab, and these last 19+ months have been the most painful in my 32 years on the planet. However, the strength that I now have aside from JUST physical strength, is not something I would trade for even turning pro.

H*ll no. For there are some things MORE important that just looking good.

Best wishes,

~SC~

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preach on brotha, preach on

I am sitting here also recovering from surgery I just had on my shoulder not even 2 weeks ago. The doc said like 6 weeks before I can even lift a gallon of milk with that arm. So I cannot do ANY upper body exercises for a while. I feel like I am shrinking by the day, it is so hard to just sit here and not be able to workout. I still hit legs and cardio but my chest just looks so flat. I was really sad and depressed at first, but then you realize that there is ALOT more to life than the gym and time heals all, well almost all. I just said to myself keep it cool and you will be back in no time. Also this surgery has been a blessing in disguise because now I realize how lucky it is to JUST be healthy and now when I come back I am going to be a new man refocused, I am going to diet and train to perfection. I say just keep your head and things will eventually get better.

Good post, Swole.

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Originally Posted by SwoleCat

Bro, what's your gig? :unsure:

One minute you're demeaning him, the next you are being what I thought was retractive and then supportive in a weird way, now you're back to your grade b jokes that are everything but funny.

Karma brutha, don't let it hit ya. I know of where I speak.

~SC~

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My gig should be to get intouch with my feminine side or jump on the I love everything SC has to say. Oh yeah, preach on brotha.. Preach on

Thanks everyone, I am off to bed. I will check in later today.

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Originally Posted by Mesomorphyl

My gig should be to get intouch with my feminine side or jump on the I love everything SC has to say. Oh yeah, preach on brotha.. Preach on

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Your gig should be to get in touch w/your human side, if it exists.

You don't have to love what I say, I don't give a flying f*ck, this thread is not FOR you, it's for another person who is experiencing a bothersome time while being injured. He cares about his body, perhaps you don't. I've no idea I don't even know if you are into fitness, please, grace us w/your eloquent pictorial that showcases your dedication to the sport of physical fitness in it's purest form.

The Internet tough guy "my Net dick is bigger than your's" is really old. I see that 20 times a day. I'd do something to SET YOURSELF APART from that. Try to make a difference and BE different, not just average and plain.

Unless you like being average, as your posts clearly indicate that you are.

Very, very average.

I'd take little steps. Grow up first, then become more than average, then perhaps the void you have will have then been fulfilled. You seem to try to come across as "Mr. Macho man", who won't lend a supportive hand in any way/shape/form, which is an indicator of a lack of self-confidence in some arena of sorts. Not sure which one, but I actually don't care either. :)

One thing is for sure. You surely suck as a comedian, so don't quit your day job.

:thumbsup:

~SC~

:lol: You think I should see someone about this? Therapist and a comic coach? Professionals of course.

Thanks ED and SC for this thread. Even though I have not sustained a serious injury I sometimes am very displeased with my results. I know it is a matter of working hard and eating right consistently. I look to your stories as great inspiration and it reminds me that I have no excuses. Thanks Bros!

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Originally Posted by Mesomorphyl

My gig should be to get intouch with my feminine side or jump on the I love everything SC has to say. Oh yeah, preach on brotha.. Preach on

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so swole has some **** good advice!! its his not yours. anytime anyone can give advice based on experience is advice that needs to be heard. when you go and experience life a little more please come back with some good advice instead of these bandwagon accusations.. you dick

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Originally Posted by Mesomorphyl

:lol: You think I should see someone about this? Therapist and a comic coach? Professionals of course.

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I honestly don't care what you do.

You think everything is a joke, I guess we'll leave it at that.

My job here is done anyhow, which was to lend support to the thread starter and his concerns.

++Karma--.

~SC~

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Originally Posted by hung-solo

so swole has some **** good advice!! its his not yours. anytime anyone can give advice based on experience is advice that needs to be heard. when you go and experience life a little more please come back with some good advice instead of these bandwagon accusations.. you dick

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And you're not one??? go kiss some butt

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Originally Posted by Mesomorphyl

And you're not one??? go kiss some butt

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dude go look at my posts. i dont kiss anyone's ass nor do i jump on any bandwagon. but if i like a post then i will usually say something positive for the personthat posted regardless of who it is. the original thread poster needed some positive feedback not someone who is talking **** about others. so do us and the thread starter a favor and post somewhere else. dickhead

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Originally Posted by hung-solo

dude go look at my posts. i dont kiss anyone's ass nor do i jump on any bandwagon. but if i like a post then i will usually say something positive for the personthat posted regardless of who it is. the original thread poster needed some positive feedback not someone who is talking **** about others. so do us and the thread starter a favor and post somewhere else. dickhead

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Sh!tforbrains everyone on this board knows you are not positive, give positive feedback, and you are lashing out because there is some truth in what I say... Huh???

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Originally Posted by Mesomorphyl

Sh!tforbrains everyone on this board knows you are not positive, give positive feedback, and you are lashing out because there is some truth in what I say... Huh???

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well no shiit! i never said that i was positive. occasionally i do give props to someone who posted something worthy. gave sc credit and i get the bandwagon bull****?. wtf? :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by hung-solo

well no shiit! i never said that i was positive. occasionally i do give props to someone who posted something worthy. gave sc credit and i get the bandwagon bull****?. wtf? :rolleyes:

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:lol: So you are saying you are not positive on comments yet I should be? No, you were insulted that I believed you were jumping on the ass kissing bandwagon. I was wrong about that, apologies for stepping on your dick. I do not roll over either, that is why some have hostility, but yours might have been warranted as I used the phrase preach on brother preach on and I lumped you in with the bleeding hearts. Again my apologies for that.
With that said you are still a dickhead :lol: :hello:

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Originally Posted by Mesomorphyl

:lol: So you are saying you are not positive on comments yet I should be? No, you were insulted that I believed you were jumping on the ass kissing bandwagon. I was wrong about that, apologies for stepping on your dick. I do not roll over either, that is why some have hostility, but yours might have been warranted as I used the phrase preach on brother preach on and I lumped you in with the bleeding hearts. Again my apologies for that.
With that said you are still a dickhead :lol: :hello:

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:blush: thank you

Ignore Meso. There's nothing wrong with coming here and getting some assistance from your AR Family.

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Originally Posted by erndog21971

Maybe you are right, I need to be more like a robot and show no emotion, except for this post I have not expressed how I felt to any of my freinds and they do not like how I am acting, cold, not caring either way about anything, and it seems to bring everyone down, how can 1 person have that much impact on everyone around them, how I am should not affect them so much if I am not inflicting any input their way.

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