02-19-2005, 12:26 AM #1
the stupid joke thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
ok post your stupid jokes now
a banana and an orange are drinking in a bar,and the banana turns to the orange and says your round
02-19-2005, 12:29 AM #2
a horse walks into a shop and the owner says ,,why the long face
02-19-2005, 12:30 AM #3
a burger goes into the bar and says a pint of guinness please ,the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here
02-19-2005, 12:31 AM #4
two goldfish in a tank ,one says to the other do you know how to drive this thing?
02-19-2005, 12:32 AM #5
what do you can an americian bastard with a mid life crisis?
02-19-2005, 01:07 AM #6
Do lymerics count ?
There once was a goucho named Bruno
Who said "There is one thing I do know "
"Women are fine"
"And sheep are devine"
"But Llama's are Numero Uno"
02-19-2005, 03:54 AM #7
Whats the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?...You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
02-19-2005, 11:08 AM #8
How do you call an irishman hanging out from the ceiling?
How do you call an Irishman that bounces off a wall?
02-19-2005, 11:14 AM #9
two sand grains in the desert, one sais to the other:
"I think we're followed"
02-19-2005, 11:20 AM #10
3 salesman start selling toothbrushes for a new company. The first guy sells 50 of them his first day, the boss says"50, aright, not bad!!" The second guy sells 100, the boss tells him"thats amazing, keep it up" hands him a nice pacycheck, the third salesman has sold the entire box of 500 toothbrushes!! The boss say's" holy ****, how did you sell that many toothbrushes in one day?" He replied" I went to the airport and sold brownies, people would eat them and then say"****, these brownies taste like sh*t!" Then I'd tell them "Yep, thats what they're made out of, wanna buy a toothbrush?"
02-19-2005, 11:32 AM #11
Whats the difference between a woman and a refridgerator????
When you take your meat out of a refridgerator it doesnt fart.
02-19-2005, 11:34 AM #12
whats the diffreence between a woman and a washing machine? A washing machine dosnt follow you around forever after you drop a load in it.
02-19-2005, 12:24 PM #13
The difference between John F. Kennedy Jr. and Elvis? John Jr. died before he became bloated.
I have to hit a lymerick also;
There once was a man from El Dute
He had seven huge warts on his root
He put acid on these
And now when he pee's
He has to finger the thing like a flute.
02-19-2005, 12:36 PM #14Originally Posted by Testsubject
keep them coming, 3 vandoo the fenian
02-19-2005, 01:06 PM #15
you want a stupid joke!
Here a joke from JOHN the armenian! Well it is supposed to be better in armenian!
Its a man that goes to his lover with his white horse, he tells the horse "listen dude, if you hear knocking at the door, its her husband so stand still there and ill jump on you from the window"
so the man goes into the room and do his thing with the lady, suddenly they hear "knock knock" at the door, the dude runs toward the window and jump.
The lady goes to the door and open and see the horse and says "can you tell him, I just move so not to jump!"
02-19-2005, 03:45 PM #16
02-19-2005, 04:19 PM #17
there once was a man named dave
he kept a dead whore in his cave
you must admit it stunk like ****
but christ thank of the money he saved
02-19-2005, 04:21 PM #18
there once was a men from trent
his peter was so long that it bent
to save his self trouble he stuck it in double
and instead of coming he went
02-19-2005, 04:28 PM #19
what's the german word for virgin???
02-19-2005, 04:40 PM #20
What do you call a guy with fourty rabits up his arse ?
What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head ?
What do you call a guy sitting in a pile of dry leaves ?
What do you call a guy floating in a pool with no arms or legs ?
02-19-2005, 04:47 PM #21
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the floor?
02-19-2005, 04:48 PM #22
where to one legged ladies work ???
02-19-2005, 05:07 PM #23
Yellow River by I.P Daily
Tigers Revenge by Claud Balls
Escape from Russia by Ima Nickenoff
02-20-2005, 06:48 AM #24
Ripped from another bard: What culchies like.
....before i get into trouble with anyone, i dont atually believe any of this...... but it is funny!!!
1 A nice bit of ham.
2 Buttered biscuits.
3 Diggin Holes.
4 Saying its too cold to snow
5 Pretending to know about The IRA.
6 Tayto Cheese & Onion
7 Pretending they're in The IRA.
8 A stretch in the evenings
11 Pretending to like Holy Week.
12 A dinner dance
13 Gettin covered in muck.
14 Shania Twain.
16 Spitting in their hands before doing anything manual
17 Steel toe caps.
18 A big bowl of carrots & parsnips.
19 Aetin sangwiches out of the boot of a car at GAA matches
20 Saying someones 'Opened a Book' on something.
21 The smell of fresh dung.
22 Slice-Your-Own Loaf.
23 Work Clothes
24 A bottle a mineral.
26 Puttin on a ganzee to stop them from being foundered
27 'De' Hurling/Football.
28 Being overweight.
29 Women that look like heifers.
30 Saying "Aaah" after taking their first sup a tae.
31 Drink driving.
32 Red diesel
33 The Fear of Change.
34 A nice bit of Barnbrack
36 Building walls.
37 Being starved with the cold rather than with a lack of food
38 Pretending to like mass
39 Talking about ****e like Flax and the Corncrake.
40 A good blackthorn walkin stick.
41 Shouting 'Yeeeeeoooo' when something good happens.
42 Mohammed Ali.
44 Strange uppy-downy walks.
45 A good read of Irelands Own.
46 Gelling their 1cm fringe tight to their forehead.
47 Scandal, as long as its about other people.
48 Turf, because central heatin's for weemin.
49 Soda farls.
50 Sponge 'n Custard
51 America, and anything to do with it.
52 Givin the dog the wildest baytins.
53 Givin the wife the wildest baytins.
54 The IRA.
55 Winning a leg of lamb in a raffle.
56 Wrecking the house whilst steaming.
57 Club Orange
58 Rubbing their hands together before tucking into their dinner
59 The Foot & Mouth.
60 Aetin' a big feed a shpuds.
61 TK Red Lemonade
62 Bottles of cold tea
02-20-2005, 06:51 AM #25
> A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
> The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service"?
> "Yes" he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years".
> The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
> The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"?
> The guy says, "Yes 100% ... a mortar round exploded near me and
>my testicles off".
> A war vet interviews for a job in the postal service.
> The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now.
> The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start
>Come in at 10:00 A.M.
> The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M.
>4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."
> "This is a government job" the interviewer says.
> "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls . .
>point in you coming in for that . "
02-20-2005, 06:52 AM #26
61 Things Dubs Love
2 Heroin (See 1)
5 Saying 'Yaknowwhorrameyan?"
6 Shamrock Rovers
7 Social welfare
8 Keyin' Cars
9 Pop Idol
10 Wearing belly tops over their pale, flabby stomach
11 Calling people 'Bud' who are not their bud
13 Calling people 'Pal' who are not their pal
14 Shortening words and adding the letter 'o' (Anto, Decco,Corpo)
15 Calling people 'Boss' who are not their boss
16 John Player Blue
19 Fair City
20 Celtic shirts
22 Fireworks every night for the entire month preceedin Halloween
23 Sky Digital
24 Saying "I didn't ble_din' do tha'!"
25 Travelling in packs
27 Swearing at their babies
28 Getting their mot's preggers
29 Champion Sports
30 Christmas Lights you could see from space
31 Skippin' school
32 Skippin' bail
33 Giving their kids Monster Munch and Maltesers for breakfast
34 Standing in queues outside the dole office
36 Iceland - the food chain, not the country
37 Man U
38 Saying, "That's not my ble-din' job!"
39 Pushing prams while smoking
40 Earrings (for guys)
41 Earrings a chimpanzee could swing off (for girls)
42 Saying "He didn't do nothin'!" when he clearly did do
43 Baseball caps
44 Sawn-off Shotguns
45 Adrian Kennedy Phone Show
46 Picking up unfinished cigarettes dropped on the street by
someone else just after coming out of a medical centre (as God
49 Not payin' the bus fare
50 Curry Chips and a burger
51 Leaving their kids play outside on a busy road while they get
hammered on a Sunday afternoon
52 Always following the word 'rich' with the word 'w@n-ker'
53 Pulling their hoodies over their heads as they're led away from the Four Courts
54 Eschewing peaceful solutions to conflict when Violene Senseless Mayhem will suffice
55 P-ing in Elevators
56 Being an authority on everything
59 Smiley Bolger
60 Getting their hair cut so tight they look like a matchstick
ears from the back
61 Not readin' bukes
02-20-2005, 06:54 AM #27
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again
the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later! her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay"
said theMom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy,
"I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
02-20-2005, 07:00 AM #28
Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.
#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
02-20-2005, 07:02 AM #29
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
2. Nope, no more booze for me
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
4. No kebab for me, thank you
5. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. I'm not interested in fighting you
7. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination
8. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to throw up in the street
9. You're right; I can't jump over that table.
10. Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
02-20-2005, 07:03 AM #30
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are
forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" " A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
02-20-2005, 07:08 AM #31
I'm not englisg but some of this might work.
by Basil Fawlty (or John Cleese)
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you Understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
02-20-2005, 07:09 AM #32
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
02-20-2005, 07:12 AM #33
Now that a nice bit of whoring. And not one of the jokes are mine. Credit goest to whoever wrote them whoever they are. :spudnik4:
02-20-2005, 08:09 AM #34Originally Posted by GREENMACHINE
02-20-2005, 08:39 AM #35
Whats got 4 legs, is fuzzy and green and will kill you if it falls on your head from a tree?
A pool table...
02-20-2005, 08:42 AM #36
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
02-20-2005, 08:43 AM #37
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
02-20-2005, 08:46 AM #38
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy **** it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy ****... A talking muffin!"
02-20-2005, 09:59 AM #39Originally Posted by seanw
There once was a maid from Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches
She'd often say, "Sh-t,
Why, I'd give my left tit
For a man with equipment that matches!'
There once was a man named McBride
Who could fart whenever he tried
In a contest he blew
2000 and two
Then sh-t, and was disqualified.
02-20-2005, 10:01 AM #40
What did the ocean say to the airplane as it flew high overhead?
Nothing . . . it just waved.
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