This will have you PEEING your pants

**clhp20** · 04-13-2005, 12:14 PM

Be sure and read thru to the last one

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
statements people actually made in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by disciplined court reporters who had the torment of
staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A:
Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: Was the patient dead?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Huh!! ______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A:
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

**The Massacre** · 04-13-2005, 12:18 PM

LOL...good read

**fitnessguy** · 04-13-2005, 12:18 PM

that is some funny sh!t...just to think of all the dumba$ses in this world...

**Angelis** · 04-13-2005, 12:21 PM

I usually dont laugh at things on the net but some of these made me laugh.

**BigJames** · 04-13-2005, 12:28 PM

The funny thing is that questions like this happen all the time in court. I have had to appear as a witness in criminal procedings and I have been asked some similar questions. For example:

Q: So you and the accused were sitting in a room together when he apparently confessed to his crime?
A: Yes.
Q: Where were you at the time of this confession?
A: ...in the room with the accused...
Q: And where was the accused at this time?

I am serious...a good grilling by a useless attourney can boil the blood.

**Juddman** · 04-13-2005, 12:32 PM

" Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?"

Thats hilarious...

**needmorestrength** · 04-13-2005, 12:46 PM

Funny.

**RATM** · 04-13-2005, 12:49 PM

this is one i will print so i can read it on the bowl. great job!!!

**BUBBA74** · 04-13-2005, 12:57 PM

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

I wish I was there to hear that.

Alot of them are stupid questions from lawyers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**IntensityX** · 04-13-2005, 01:33 PM

Originally Posted by clhp20

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A:
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

Out of all of them this was the best one LMAO

**stocky121** · 04-13-2005, 01:39 PM

pmsl that was funny as ****

**soontoberipped** · 04-13-2005, 02:09 PM

Last one was inded the best by far.

**Maraxus** · 04-13-2005, 02:16 PM

lol good read.

**decadbal** · 04-13-2005, 02:49 PM

that completely proves my thoughts and feelings on every attorney in the world... thats awesomely funny

**XxElitexX** · 04-13-2005, 02:57 PM

LOL. WOW, good read.

**TheNatural3456** · 04-13-2005, 03:25 PM

hahah that was great....just what i needed before night class..

**SplinterCell** · 04-13-2005, 03:38 PM

I cant believe some of those

**BARLOW** · 04-13-2005, 03:50 PM

lmfao!

**Insane_Man** · 04-13-2005, 03:50 PM

I'm too lazy to look this up on snopes, but I would question the authenticity of this text. But I have heard some serious stupid ****, most of it has come from the mouth of a good buddy of mine.