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  1. #1
    Heracles74's Avatar
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    GF problem -- need some advice please

    Hey everyone. This may be long so try and bare with me, thanks...

    I am a divorced father of 2. I'm 31. Been seeing a 22 year old for about 10 months now. I am so in love with her you would not believe it. She treats me great, and for the first time since my ex wife, I want to marry this girl.

    She spends a lot of time on a forum for women who are dating or married to divorced men... like a "second wives club" she gets what she needs from that, support, guidance, opinions, etc. Much like the support/guidance, and even entertainment I get on AR. Sometimes we both talk about what we chatted about on our forums.
    This relationship has a past of her being kinda sneaky and scandelous; going through my phone, checking up on me, stuff like that. She is an extremely jealous women and can't stand other women looking at me, etc. She doesn't trust ME, becasue other chicks sometimes check me out... it causes arguments. The only thing we ever fought about is that stuff and how I won't tolerate it. I am not bragging, but I have been a good guy to her. I have never lied, cheated, or deceived her in any way shape or form. She is ALWAYS boasting about how she is SO not like my ex and that she is honest and all... my last 3 ex's cheated on me. And she always has a good level of confidence about being so much better...

    well, this is what I found out yesterday. Since the end of May, my girlfriend has been logging into my forum and reading my threads that I post or post in every single day!! Being nosy, seeing if I was talking to other girls or what not. I found this out because I work in Network Security for the same company that she works in Legal for. I work on her PC whenever she needs me too. She said her pc was running really slow and I went to clear her temp files and cookies and one of the entries in the temp internet files was a login cookie for AR forums... I went back to my lab (my desk) and remoted to her pc and looked at all the cookies... ran some forensics...and bam. she has been doing it daily! I sent her an email and asked her if she had been to my forum lately "checking up on me", my phone rings and she is actually acting mad at me asking me why am I asking?? I start getting pissed and she finally says yes. I ask he rif she has an account and logs in. She said NO. I asked again, are you sure? She lied to me straight up AGAIN! Then I sent her a notepad document of a cookie that shows she logged in... she knew enough to know what that meant and said "I guess your gonna break up with me now?" She acted mad at ME?!?!
    Well, now this morning she is all crying and apologizing saying that was wrong, sneaky, selfish, etc... I am not being a jerk and laying on the guilt... but seriously?? What should I do? I areally mad about this? It invaded my privacy and not to mention disresped me. I know this opens me up to flames and if so, go right ahead. This is actually kind of embarassing. But I love this girl -- How many times do I let her do this sneaky, lying shit to me? Honeslty, I don't want to leave her, But I care about my dignity as well. Thanks everyone. Sorry it was so long.

  2. #2
    Dave321 is offline AR's Salad Tossing Connoisseur
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    I hate to say it, but she's only human... at least its only reading forums and she's not messing around with some other dude... This to me is far from acceptable and I would probably shit buckets if I found my chick doing that, but you have to forgive and forget... make it well aware to her how much this makes you angry and how much trust she should have in you. Without trust, you got nothin! Just make sure she doesn't do shit like that again, make it loud and clear! After words have been exchanged, get back to lovin her and propose damn it!

  3. #3
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    yeah wut the idiot b4 me said.........

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Justin Sane
    I hate to say it, but she's only human... at least its only reading forums and she's not messing around with some other dude... This to me is far from acceptable and I would probably shit buckets if I found my chick doing that, but you have to forgive and forget... make it well aware to her how much this makes you angry and how much trust she should have in you. Without trust, you got nothin! Just make sure she doesn't do shit like that again, make it loud and clear! After words have been exchanged, get back to lovin her and propose damn it!
    Thanks for taking the time to read it Justin. I agree with you. My issues is that on 4 other occassions I have expressed anger about about her doing stuf flike that. Every time she would put on a good act saying ot would never happen again and that she trusts me is secure and content, etc...
    The last thing I want to do is leave her.

  5. #5
    Dave321 is offline AR's Salad Tossing Connoisseur
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heracles74
    Thanks for taking the time to read it Justin. I agree with you. My issues is that on 4 other occassions I have expressed anger about about her doing stuf flike that. Every time she would put on a good act saying ot would never happen again and that she trusts me is secure and content, etc...
    The last thing I want to do is leave her.
    welp, that's something you got to seriously work out with her.... I can only relate because my chick of 3 years was onces just as suspicious as your gf... she would read my chicktionary and check my comp, but once I really sat her down and literally said wtf??? she stayed clean for the past 2 years. It's a tough thing to do and she may be hurt by what you say, but seriously, you need some privacy too... no need to embark on everything you do on your spare time.... that'll just drive a dude insane! Give her a little scare, but not enough for her to get pissed and leave... just let her know that if this continues, you can never have a trustworthy relationship and it is meaningless without that... if she cares, she'll come to her senses!

  6. #6
    Dave321 is offline AR's Salad Tossing Connoisseur
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    Quote Originally Posted by IronFreakX
    yeah wut the idiot b4 me said.........
    this guy NEVER get's laid!!!

  7. #7
    Heracles74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Justin Sane
    welp, that's something you got to seriously work out with her.... I can only relate because my chick of 3 years was onces just as suspicious as your gf... she would read my chicktionary and check my comp, but once I really sat her down and literally said wtf??? she stayed clean for the past 2 years. It's a tough thing to do and she may be hurt by what you say, but seriously, you need some privacy too... no need to embark on everything you do on your spare time.... that'll just drive a dude insane! Give her a little scare, but not enough for her to get pissed and leave... just let her know that if this continues, you can never have a trustworthy relationship and it is meaningless without that... if she cares, she'll come to her senses!
    Thanks bro

  8. #8
    SwoleCat is offline AR Hall of Fame
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    I would sit her down and ask her what it is that makes her feel so insecure about being with you.

    ~SC~

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by SwoleCat
    I would sit her down and ask her what it is that makes her feel so insecure about being with you.

    ~SC~
    I have. she says that "I am way too good looking for her" and is insecure becasue she thinks I could have any girl I want, blah blah.... this girl is absolutely beautiful Swole, it is SOO unwarranted what she is saying... I consider myself average at best. I love her and have NEVER given her a reason to be insecure. This just realy makes me angry.

  10. #10
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    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by Justin Sane
    this guy NEVER get's laid!!!
    BITCH!!!!....Its hard in a country like egypt....but not impossible...

  11. #11
    SwoleCat is offline AR Hall of Fame
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heracles74
    I have. she says that "I am way too good looking for her" and is insecure becasue she thinks I could have any girl I want, blah blah.... this girl is absolutely beautiful Swole, it is SOO unwarranted what she is saying... I consider myself average at best. I love her and have NEVER given her a reason to be insecure. This just realy makes me angry.
    Then it seems like she is insecure with herself more-so than with you.

    Well, it could be worse.

    At least you have the control.

    ~SC~

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by SwoleCat
    Then it seems like she is insecure with herself more-so than with you.

    Well, it could be worse.

    At least you have the control.

    ~SC~

    She has no reason to be insecure, This gal really is smokin and I just don't understand it, I let her know that all the time she is absolutely georgeous.... never believes me.

    I guess, I don't want the control, I just want her to treat the relationship the way I do. thanks bro.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heracles74
    She has no reason to be insecure, This gal really is smokin and I just don't understand it, I let her know that all the time she is absolutely georgeous.... never believes me.

    I guess, I don't want the control, I just want her to treat the relationship the way I do. thanks bro.

    It could be that she needs more attention from you.

  14. #14
    Heracles74's Avatar
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    Well, We stay at each other's place 5 of 7 nights a week and work together, chat over e-mail throughout the day... aside from my job, she has ALL my attention and we do everything together... I don't know what else I can be doing.
    Even if she felt that way... how does that give rher the right? thanks bro.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heracles74
    Even if she felt that way... how does that give rher the right? thanks bro.

    Here is where your mistake is. You are trying to use logic and reason to explain something a woman did. They have no concept of this. Agree with everything above though. She sounds like she just needs to be put in her place. I wouldn't get too angry. You are just setting yourself up for later when she needs something to get you pissed off, and she will throw it in your face. Just tell her you aren't going to take it. Don't make it a threat so much as a promise.

  16. #16
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    Yeah, I hear ya... But she really is a smart and pretty considerate and compassionate woman. She always had a concept, at least I thought.
    Yeah, im doing it now - putting her in her place.... I feel like such a pu$$y. But, she really does seem like she wants to be with me and wants to salvage us, at any cost, no matter what... This might work out id she is serious... think I can trust that?

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heracles74
    She has no reason to be insecure, This gal really is smokin and I just don't understand it, I let her know that all the time she is absolutely georgeous.... never believes me.

    I guess, I don't want the control, I just want her to treat the relationship the way I do. thanks bro.
    we need to see some pics so we can make sure she is smokin. i don't think that logging on to your ar name is that bad because this is all for entertainment and educational purposes. i know i haven't actually met anyone on this board but i'm sure very few actually do meet. going through your phone though. i would fly off the handle about that. good luck

  18. #18
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    right. LOL. Thanks for looking out for me punchrf.

  19. #19
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    dude.... cman man.

    Think now, this lady of yours is putty waiting to be moulded. She is so insecure about you leaving her, that she is sneakin around looking for any clue she can to validate her suspicions.....and you HATE IT.

    hmmmmmm, what can you do? hmmmmm, what'll fix this?

    IF, you leave her... BECAUSE she is doin shit you have amply warned her of, over and over....and you make her pine over you and let "it" sink in that you will NOT put up with that at all, because your a good guy blah blah blah and you spend x amount of time with her blah blah blah and you do this and that with her, blahhhhh blahhhh blahhhh and that you dont deserve this treatment and refuse to have that treatment in your life! then she'll get the point IF and only IF you scar her mentally enough that she wont do it again!

    the reason it happened 4 times before buddy is CAUSE YOU LET IT.... YOU SAID FINE, I'LL TAKE YOU BACK.....4 TIMES LATER your still asking what to do?!!!



    cman now MAN...be a MAN, dictate the shit here! dont just sit there and let this piece of putty go unmoulded....lay down some rules now or SHE WILL!




    that, or gimme her number (if she's as hot as you say she is!) I have some moulding cream for that putty.

  20. #20
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    I am going to go have lunch with her now and see how that goes. I'll be back in a bit and fill you all in.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dally
    dude.... cman man.

    Think now, this lady of yours is putty waiting to be moulded. She is so insecure about you leaving her, that she is sneakin around looking for any clue she can to validate her suspicions.....and you HATE IT.

    hmmmmmm, what can you do? hmmmmm, what'll fix this?

    IF, you leave her... BECAUSE she is doin shit you have amply warned her of, over and over....and you make her pine over you and let "it" sink in that you will NOT put up with that at all, because your a good guy blah blah blah and you spend x amount of time with her blah blah blah and you do this and that with her, blahhhhh blahhhh blahhhh and that you dont deserve this treatment and refuse to have that treatment in your life! then she'll get the point IF and only IF you scar her mentally enough that she wont do it again!

    the reason it happened 4 times before buddy is CAUSE YOU LET IT.... YOU SAID FINE, I'LL TAKE YOU BACK.....4 TIMES LATER your still asking what to do?!!!



    cman now MAN...be a MAN, dictate the shit here! dont just sit there and let this piece of putty go unmoulded....lay down some rules now or SHE WILL!




    that, or gimme her number (if she's as hot as you say she is!) I have some moulding cream for that putty.
    Ok, I hear what you are saying... and I agree... What do you suggest? I have done my best to be a decent guy to her and not a jerk. You say it is happening becasue I am letting it... how so? I am trying to walk the straighter road here... I am open to suggestions... fire away. or flame away.

  22. #22
    Dally's Avatar
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    well, look at it this way.

    When you train a pitbull, you have to praise for good behaviour and scold for bad.....

    mind you the scolding is something some will tolerate and SOME WONT. This is where you have to learn from trial and error. As far as it stands right now, if we look at this in REVERSE...(her training you) then she is learning what she can and cannot do with you, and what have you "told" her, you've told her, dont worry hunney, you can do the same thing 4 times over and over and over and over again and I'll take you back, I'll still love ya....what's she thinkin, I CAN do this and that over and over and over and over... and get AWAY WITH IT!

    If she was a pitbull, you'd have one unpredictable dog that questions your judgement over and over again and as soon as it senses weakness in you, it may just bite.

    dont get bit. Your the trainer, you can't have them thinkin your the weaker one, you'll never ever get what you want out of em.

    Go out to lunch, and say sorry, this isn't gonna work out....(she'll be crumblin, ONLY because she probably knew ((or was hoping you'd show SOME spine once in a while)) that you weren't gonna take it) say that its been a few times that this has happened and your not gonna stand for it anymore, cause your a good guy etc etc, get up and leave.

    Now, whats gonna is shes either gonna be shocked and awed or pissed. Either way it happens they both will at some point. WHY? cause she's wrong and you the man, called her on it!!

    what you gotta do is.... wait it out... and when she does enough suckin and whinin about it, then you take er back

    BUT, NOT TOO EARLY or your a spineless biatch of a wannabe man ....... AGAIN!

    (and you wont get your whopper sucked as an apology (which is IMO always the best way to gauge how sorry she is))

    MAN UP BRO!

    FAKKK (im sick)

  23. #23
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    To me there are far worse things a woman can do outside of checking up on me. Every woman I've ever dated has been the jealous type and they always have checked up on me. Don't make a mountain over a mole hill with this. If you have nothing to hide let her do what puts her mind at ease.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benches505
    To me there are far worse things a woman can do outside of checking up on me. Every woman I've ever dated has been the jealous type and they always have checked up on me. Don't make a mountain over a mole hill with this. If you have nothing to hide let her do what puts her mind at ease.

    its been 4 times man, you dont get it, he doesn't want this type of behaviour goin on... ITS A PAIN IN THE ASS!!! shes insecure and that within itself will turn a mole hill into a mountain which is already manifesting itself thru her sneakiness... whats next? huh? could be a number of things!!

    you have to nip things like this in the butt and know where to draw the line... I suspect you don't and thats most likely why ALL of your women you've EVER DATED did the exact same thing to you.

    they did to me too, until I LEARNT to make the best out of the situation and now, it doesn't happen.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dally
    well, look at it this way.

    When you train a pitbull, you have to praise for good behaviour and scold for bad.....

    mind you the scolding is something some will tolerate and SOME WONT. This is where you have to learn from trial and error. As far as it stands right now, if we look at this in REVERSE...(her training you) then she is learning what she can and cannot do with you, and what have you "told" her, you've told her, dont worry hunney, you can do the same thing 4 times over and over and over and over again and I'll take you back, I'll still love ya....what's she thinkin, I CAN do this and that over and over and over and over... and get AWAY WITH IT!

    If she was a pitbull, you'd have one unpredictable dog that questions your judgement over and over again and as soon as it senses weakness in you, it may just bite.

    dont get bit. Your the trainer, you can't have them thinkin your the weaker one, you'll never ever get what you want out of em.

    Go out to lunch, and say sorry, this isn't gonna work out....(she'll be crumblin, ONLY because she probably knew ((or was hoping you'd show SOME spine once in a while)) that you weren't gonna take it) say that its been a few times that this has happened and your not gonna stand for it anymore, cause your a good guy etc etc, get up and leave.

    Now, whats gonna is shes either gonna be shocked and awed or pissed. Either way it happens they both will at some point. WHY? cause she's wrong and you the man, called her on it!!

    what you gotta do is.... wait it out... and when she does enough suckin and whinin about it, then you take er back

    BUT, NOT TOO EARLY or your a spineless biatch of a wannabe man ....... AGAIN!

    (and you wont get your whopper sucked as an apology (which is IMO always the best way to gauge how sorry she is))

    MAN UP BRO!

    FAKKK (im sick)
    alright... I just got back from lunch with her. She seemed upset, but nothing that really was ground shaking... She asked me if I was going to leave. I said I don't know. and that was kind of ground breaking for her. I really don't want to do this, but I feel like a pu$$y. I have let this happen 4 times.

    I flamed another dude in a similar situation in this very forum once before and said "where are your b@lls man? When everything around you is gone, all you will have left is your dignity -- where will yours be?"

    Maybe I need to do exactly that. If she really loves me, she will fight to get back in, right?

  26. #26
    SwoleCat is offline AR Hall of Fame
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    LMFAO......I didn't get to read all of Dally's stuff cuz I have to leave quickly, but I saw the "when you train a pit bull" and "putty moulding creme" phrases above, and all I can say is.......

    Wait until CB sees this!

    ~SC~

  27. #27
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    Yeah... he hasa way with words, doesn't he?? lol

  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heracles74

    I flamed another dude in a similar situation in this very forum once before and said "where are your b@lls man? When everything around you is gone, all you will have left is your dignity -- where will yours be?"

    Maybe I need to do exactly that. If she really loves me, she will fight to get back in, right?

    hmmmm weird, oddly enough I remember those words exactly....and those words helped me strive for my dignity and empty some dirty fukin baggage that was LONG overdue.

    I speak from experience mang, not cause I wanna up my post count, 2000 posts of useless garbage, I'll admit, but this is something I do know about.

    trust me, scar er and it WONT happen again, mind you if it does, then it didnt work/sink in enough. As far as it stands right now, she knows you can tell her something 4 times and she can get away with the fifth..... and thats just no fukin good mang.

    let alone losing a huge amount of respect she has for you .. after you wimp out....AGAIN! she'll never admit it, but she'll like you ALOT more for having some GATDAMN SPINE!!!

    women love men with spine ! hard to get some to admit it, but the real ones do.

    and she aint goin anywhere man, shes obsessed with ya man....dont worry!

  29. #29
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    Remember shes only 22, I would def. not think about marriage for 3 to 4 more years. And for the AR incident, Ive always found when girls think your doing something wrong they are, just keep the upper hand now and tell her you have to work your trust back up slowly.

  30. #30
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    I hate to say it, but this woman sounds like she may have some problems. This degree of jealousy, and inappropriate behavior may be indicators of what lies in the future. This doesn't sound like the trust level a true relationship needs. How did her prior relationships work out?

  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heracles74
    She has no reason to be insecure, This gal really is smokin and I just don't understand it, I let her know that all the time she is absolutely georgeous.... never believes me.

    I guess, I don't want the control, I just want her to treat the relationship the way I do. thanks bro.

    Smoking hot does not equal self-esteem and security. She has issues in that area. Only she can fix them. The question is.......can you stick around while she works on it...... IF she works on it?

    Good luck

  32. #32
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    I understand that; my point is that she does not see in the mirror what myself and every other person sees. She has no reason to be insecure. She has my full attention; always has. I have carefully told her in the past she has some issues oin that area and needs to work on them. I have asked what I can do to help her with it. We have been together just under a year now... these issues showed their face immediately. I am still here. So yes, I can do that, but what would be the indicators tha she is trying? She knows I am trying.

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    People are always trying to change their mate. I honestly think she will not change this about herself. So, the question is, can you put up with it? If yes, drop it. If no, drop her.

  34. #34
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    Well is she reads all ur posts, than odds are she is reading this one...So as a fellow AR member this is to ur girl who may be reading. Let the poor man have some privacy, for god sakes its only AR. If you cant trust ur man to be on a BB forum than you shouldnt be together. So stop reading his SHlT and jus get on with ur life. This will only cause problems.

    Best of luck
    -Bino

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    hey bro, i too would have to agree with JS! To honest, i might have done the same thing too. Geez... my girl probably does the same fcking thing.... great! cant wait till she reads all my dumb threads!!

    but all in all, i beleive trust issues/insecurities can happen at any point in a relationship, i feel its just human nature and it tends to make people do stupid things. Talk with her and let her know how you feel. She come too.

    good luck bruva!!

  36. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by C_Bino
    Well is she reads all ur posts, than odds are she is reading this one...So as a fellow AR member this is to ur girl who may be reading. Let the poor man have some privacy, for god sakes its only AR. If you cant trust ur man to be on a BB forum than you shouldnt be together. So stop reading his SHlT and jus get on with ur life. This will only cause problems.

    Best of luck
    -Bino

    Thanks bro!

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    Thanks heavy... yeah... we talked last night... She seems like she is in check now...

  38. #38
    clockworks's Avatar
    clockworks is offline Anabolic Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Justin Sane
    Without trust, you got nothin!
    Yeah. Can people change though? I dunno...

    Girlfriend A gave me tons of reasons to be suspicious. It made me very untrusting and I eventually busted her cheating on me. The whole relationship was such a f-ing headache that I promised I'd never be like that again. I'll never be an untrusting a$$hole again...its just too much stress and discomfort.

    Enter girlfriend B who was nothing but perfect. I never once felt untrusting of her or suspicious in any way. It was great! Big shock, because after gf A, I thought I would be very untrusting of anyone.

    So now here's the question...did I change? Or is my trustingness solely a product of who I'm with?

    Either way, you gotta find that shyte out about you and your girl. Either yall (she) has to change, or you probably should find a better girl. I don't think you would want 20 years of snooping and constantly worrying...your hair will fall out.

  39. #39
    Heracles74's Avatar
    Heracles74 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by clockworks
    Yeah. Can people change though? I dunno...

    Girlfriend A gave me tons of reasons to be suspicious. It made me very untrusting and I eventually busted her cheating on me. The whole relationship was such a f-ing headache that I promised I'd never be like that again. I'll never be an untrusting a$$hole again...its just too much stress and discomfort.

    Enter girlfriend B who was nothing but perfect. I never once felt untrusting of her or suspicious in any way. It was great! Big shock, because after gf A, I thought I would be very untrusting of anyone.

    So now here's the question...did I change? Or is my trustingness solely a product of who I'm with?

    Either way, you gotta find that shyte out about you and your girl. Either yall (she) has to change, or you probably should find a better girl. I don't think you would want 20 years of snooping and constantly worrying...your hair will fall out.

    excellent point... thanks for that bro

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