Some funny quotes

got these in an e-mail

[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
.
[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
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[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
.
[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor
Borge
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[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
.
[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
.
[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
.
[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
.
[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
.
[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
.
[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
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[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain
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[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Ed Furgol
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[16] Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
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[17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman
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[18] I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain
.
[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
.
[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert
Henry Asquith
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[21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap. - Bob Hope
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[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -
WC. Fields
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[23] We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
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[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
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[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
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[26] The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown
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[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere. - Billy Crystal