Thread: This site is gold
11-27-2005, 11:05 AM #1
This site is gold
Dear Aunt Nettie:
I was indignant to see you dismissing the American art form of Rap as a mental affliction. How can you claim such a thing? Everybody knows that the late rap stars you mentioned by name are high priests of the sacred music of hip-hop.
-- Offended in Offenburg
Okay, call me an old fuddy-duddy, but here's a direct transcription of the local station, KROK, recorded by yours truly. Mind you, this is merely the announcer talking about local acts appearing in our fair city of Redbone.
"Yo, and this here's your main man, Big Little Fat Slim, bringing yo the lowdown and the hoedown on clubbin' here in Bonetown. You gotta dollah? Then you gotta check out Intrepid BM at the Trax, where they be jivin' an' hi-fivin' an' dumpster-divin' through Monday early AM.
"You got the chance to dance, prance and take a chance at the Bomb Shelter on Grody this weekend, where Stewed Weasel, Mama Come A-Runnin' and Ortho Latex Trampoline gonna be pickin' 'em up an' puttin' 'em down fo yo hip-hop foot-stompin' delight!
"An' at the Escafe, that's the E-S-C-A-F-E under the Eastern Standard in the Downtown -- can I *say* it on th' radio?-- MALL! all this week is pickup rap an' roll with Busted Flush, Mainlining Bosco and Abner's Broken Broomstick. For a change of pace-- can you say Something Completely Different-- I thought you could!-- on Sundays there's the ever-popular Hogwaller Bad Boys, holdin' their own and keepin' their tone! No cover, no minimum, clothing optional at the E-S-C-A-F-E!
"You got to rap? You got to lay out the crap? You got to knock 'em flat, swing yo' bat, do it like that? Well, Main Man Big Little Fat Slim say you got to get yo' bones and stones down to DURTY NELLY’S-- yowsah! Down in the cellar at Park Av-en-yew they gonna give you the class rappin' dudes like Sukup 42, Lektrik Chair, ScumArtist Be-Bop, Little Eva's Revenge, and, AND, *AND*-- Friday's is Mike Frite Nite at the Durty One's! It's you, it's live all the time! You can turn up the sound, bounce it around, let yo' own rap rebound-- Lawdamercy!-- you be the star of the bar, you get the fame and the name, be glad you came, suckah!"
If these people are high priests, I think they've been playing with their altar boys too much....
11-27-2005, 11:07 AM #2
Dear Aunt Nettie:
Where did religion come from?
-- Faithful in Faith Hill
Long, long ago, when fire was cutting-edge technology, some wretched Austropithecene nerd, Shaggy Mo, discovered that he could get bigger shares of the kill than even the mighty hunters, simply by claiming that he had spoken to the Great Spirit and assured the success of the hunt. He would go a little distance into the forest and wail and shout and come back saying a sooth.
Og, the leader of the troupe, applied Pascal's Wager a few hundred thousand years in advance of the man himself and decided that giving Shaggy Mo a slab of mastodon might indeed tip the balance in favor of a successful hunt, and what the hell, it was only a chunk of mastodon, anyway-- it couldn't hurt. So the hunters hunted and Shaggy Mo prospered, until the day when the hunters returned empty-handed and annoyed, and threatened to serve up Shaggy Mo for the main course for having lied to them.
Thinking quickly, Mo said that the reason the Great Spirit hadn't rewarded the hunters that day was because some of them had sinned. The hunters looked at each other and said that, Yeah, as a matter of fact Kragg had been seen having a carnal relationship with a baboon the day before. So they ate Kragg instead, and left prime portions for Shaggy Mo to take into the forest to appease the Great Spirit. The next day their faith was rewarded and Shaggy got even more mastodon, plus the idea for a killer career. Later he added the bit about the ways of the Great Spirit being incomprehensible, which covered him for bad weather, leopard attacks and volcanic activity.
It's one of the sweetest rackets that's ever been invented. The next time you see a televangelist saying that he's spoken to the Great Spirit, who told him to urge people to send tax-deductible mastodon love offerings care of this station, think about Shaggy Mo. Then invest your love offering in a bottle of tequila and you can commune with that great spirit directly.
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