30 facts about Chuck Norris
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Subject: 30 Facts about Chuck Norris
1-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2-When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
3-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4- Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
5- Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
6- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
7- Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
8- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
9- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
10- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
11- Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding
his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't *** with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
12- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
13- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.
14- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
15- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
16- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
17- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
18- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
19- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "***."
20- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
21- Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
22- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
23- Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
24- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
not had to pay taxes ever.
25- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-de****g Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
26- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
27- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
28- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
29- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
30- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
