10 Rules of A Steven Seagal Movie

**tod682** · 12-06-2005, 11:25 AM

10 Rules of A Steven Seagal Movie

1. YOU CAN'T KILL STEVEN SEAGAL!

Executive Decision doesn't count. It might have been marketed heavily around Seagal's participation (he was hot at the time) but it was really a Kurt Russell vehicle. Executive Decision aside, the rule stands. Seagal cannot die. Hell, he has a movie called Hard to Kill and that should have been titled Impossible to Kill Under Any Circumstances.

2. He will have a moderately ridiculous name

Check out these names: Mason Storm, Gino Fellino, Casey Ryback, Forest Taft, Orin Boyd and in his upcoming film Half Past Dead; Sascha Petrosevitch (oh lord!). Seriously, these are names that no one in the real world has. I think that he probably just puts names in a hat and picks them at random.

3. A great amount of broken limbs

One of the fun parts of watching a Seagal flick is to count the number of broken legs, arms and fingers that his character inflicts on his enemies. I'm at a loss to think of which movie has the most broken limbs but I'll estimate that in his career he's probably broken over 200 or more. I think that he should just make a movie where he walks down the street breaking people's arms!

4. Bad acting

Well, he's not the best actor ever and he's certainly not the worst. Well, maybe.., anyway, where was I? Of course, you don't watch his movies to see an Oscar winning performance. He's decent in some (Above the Law, Marked For Death and Under Siege) while he really sucks in others (watch Under Siege 2 for an example of him not even trying!).

5. He WILL slap something out of someone's hand

Whether it's a gun, knife or even a missile launcher Seagal will pull his ultimate offensive weapon out: The Slap. Probably the best example of this technique is displayed in Under Siege 2 when he slaps the knife out of the villain's hand using the dreaded "Clap Slap". I guess you have to see it to understand.

Oh, one of the funniest headlines I ever read on CHUD.com was when Exit Wounds debuted at number one at the box office. The headline was; Seagal Slaps Money Out of Moviegoers Hands.

6. Three or two word titles

I won't list them all here but I will give you some examples. Above the Law, Out for Justice, Marked For Death, Under Siege, Exit Wounds, well you get the picture. It's actually pretty funny when you run down his list of movies and see the similarities in titles between them all. The one violation of this rule is Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, although I don't think it's a big deal as the Dark Territory part is only a subtitle.

7. YOU CAN'T KILL STEVEN SEAGAL!

I can't stress this enough: the guy just won't die!

8. Revenge, Revenge, Revenge

As I stated in my review of Hard to Kill, it is probably my favorite revenge film. It seems that most of his movies are built around the theme of revenge, even if it's not him that is out for it. It's good motivation for any character and it has you automatically rooting for him. Even if he isn't out to get revenge, it seems like he is!

9. Seagal will barely be hurt at all

Now here's an fun rule. In Hard to Kill he is put in a coma. It took a couple of shotgun blasts but it did the trick. Any other time in that movie or any other, he will barely be punched, kicked or shot and even if he is, he'll just shrug it off like it's nothing. The best example for this would be Under Siege 2. He's shot in the shoulder but it doesn't affect him at all! It's hilarious when he says, "You think this is being shot, this isn't being shot." Well, okay! I'll remember that the next time someone shoots me; just pretend it didn't happen. (See Rules 1 and 7).

10. Steven Seagal: Environmentalist

In some of his worst movies (On Deadly Ground, Fire Down Below, The Patriot, what we Seagal fans refer to as the Three That Should Be Forgotten) Seagal pushed an obvious environmentalist or conservationist agenda. While this is an admirable thing to do, he chose to do it with three of the worst movies I've ever seen! On Deadly Ground has a terrific cast but is so poorly written and directed (by Seagal himself!) that it's painful to watch.

There you have it; The Ten Rules of the Steven Seagal movie. Now that you are armed with this knowledge go out and rent one, or just wait for the next Seagal Sunday on TBS (I still can't believe it!).

**harl** · 12-06-2005, 11:44 AM

LOL true story....watched "today you die" the other day....horrable acting, but he does break alot of arms.

**MASTER** · 12-06-2005, 11:45 AM

oh dear first chuck norris, now steven seagal

**Booz** · 12-06-2005, 12:56 PM

**ludakris9** · 12-06-2005, 03:49 PM

I agree! He needs to go back to acting school!

**MoneyAddyct** · 12-06-2005, 06:58 PM

I was hoping there'd be a mention of the two or three word title phenomena. He's probably too dumb to promote a movie that has a title of any importance or significant length.

**darmadoc** · 12-07-2005, 05:07 PM

Originally Posted by ludakris9

I agree! He needs to go back to acting school!

You mean he went to acting school at one time?! It must have been the Dolph Lundgren school of acting!

**IronReload04** · 12-07-2005, 05:44 PM

hey, dont be dissing dolph now, he is cool

**IronReload04** · 12-08-2005, 09:53 PM

rule 11. steven seagal somhow always has a hot girlfriend/wife

**tod682** · 12-08-2005, 09:54 PM

anyone notice that the last few movies he has had dmx, nas, and ja rule. whats up with that?

**Nismo** · 12-08-2005, 09:56 PM

Isn't Steven Segal a crack head???

**IronReload04** · 12-08-2005, 10:02 PM

Originally Posted by Nismo

Isn't Steven Segal a crack head???

no, he is a navy seal, policeman, marine and airforce guy, he doesnt do drugs. however in hard to kill, he was accused by a fellow policeman of being cant remember the term he used but accused of using coke/crack/pcp because he was superhuman like and his time ran out. his partner/friend who raised his son grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him against the wall and ruled that one out by saying he was the best damn....the guy then replied, for whats its worth.....

no he cant do crack

**tod682** · 12-08-2005, 10:08 PM

nice

**Raven8264** · 12-09-2005, 01:53 AM

Rule 12: He has to gain more weight and get more fat with each successive movie.

Actually I haven't seen his last couple so maybe he's broken the jinx

**scriptfactory** · 12-09-2005, 11:37 AM

Originally Posted by gachamann

Rule 12: He has to gain more weight and get more fat with each successive movie.

Actually I haven't seen his last couple so maybe he's broken the jinx

He hasn't. He's still a fat bastard and getting fatter.