01-19-2006, 08:19 AM #1Retired Vet
- Join Date
- Nov 2001
Chuck Norris fact sheet.. Long but hilarious!.
Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Additional Chuck Norris Facts
· Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
· Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.
· Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
· The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
· Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
· If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
· Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
· When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
· The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
· Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
· Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
· There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
· Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
· In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
· Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
· Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
· Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
· Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
À A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
À Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
À Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
À Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
À Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will **** you up.
À The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
À Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
À Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
À Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
À Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
À Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
À Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
À Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
À Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.. horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
À Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
À Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
À In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
À Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
À Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
À Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Marbles 'N' Gravel.
À The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
À In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Back to the Top Chuck Norris Facts
More Chuck Norris Facts
· Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
· Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
· When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
· There are no steroids in baseball . Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
· Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
· Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
· Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
· When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
· Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
· Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
· There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
· When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
· Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
· A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
· When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
· Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
· Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
À When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
À How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
À Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
À In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
À Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
À If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
À Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
À The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
À A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
À Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
À Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
À When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
À While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
À Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
À When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
À When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
À Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
À Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
À Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
À For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
À Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
À When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
À Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
À When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
À Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
À On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
À Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
À Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
À In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
À Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
À Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
À Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
À Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
À Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
À If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
À Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
À Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
À Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
À The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
À It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
À You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
À Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
À The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
À The President was lying about the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Everyone knows Chuck Norris has never lived there.
À Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
À When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
À Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
À James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
À Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
À Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
À Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
À It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
À Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
À Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
À Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
À When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
À Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
À When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
À Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
À When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
À Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
À One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
À Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
À Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
À Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Even More Chuck Norris Facts
· A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
· Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
· There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team"… not even close.
À Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
À An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
À Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
À Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
À Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
À Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
À Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
À Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
À Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
À Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
À The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
À Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
À Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
À If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
À Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
À The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
À Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
À The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
À Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
À Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
À Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
À The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
À Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
À Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
À There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
À A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
À It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
À Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
À Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
À Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
À Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
À Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
À Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
À The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
À Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
À 4 out of 5 doctors agree: They don't wan't to meet Chuck Norris in a dark alley when he is in a bad mood. The fifth doctor has nothing to live for.
À Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
À As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
À When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
À Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
À There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
À A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
À Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.
À In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
À Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
À Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
À Chuck Norris likes cherry chewing gum. He spits the used-up red wads to Jupiter, where they've been accumulating.
À For undercover police work, Chuck pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
À In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
À We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
À It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
À Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually Email a roundhouse kick.
À Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
À Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
À Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
À Chuck Norris began advertising for the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
À Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
À 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
À Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
À When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
01-19-2006, 08:46 AM #2
I can't believe I read the whole thing
01-19-2006, 08:46 AM #3
someone posted something like this, always makes me piss myself though...too many classic lines to list...
01-19-2006, 09:34 AM #4Banned
- Join Date
- Nov 2004
hahahahaha chuck norris is the man!
01-19-2006, 06:57 PM #5
i read the whole thing to... thats some great stuff
01-19-2006, 07:27 PM #6
missed one: chuck norris is a hobo!!!
01-19-2006, 07:49 PM #7
i read about half..dont have the attention span. Funny as hell tho
01-19-2006, 09:01 PM #8
I love these lists about CN. Have you ever tried to tell someone one of these lines? People are always like WTF I dont get it but I am like just trust me, they are funny
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