My best friend and his little predicament....

**mavsluva** · 02-07-2006, 12:02 AM

Well, I say little, but it's rather enormous to be honest.

My best friend of a long time has been married for nearly 8 years. He and his wife were what I thought to be a perfect match and I really do think they are/could be. My friend has been in a funk for several months now and I've recently been informed of the root of the issue. Come to find out, he's been seeing another woman for a LONG time. Long time meaning for nearly 4 years. My friend is a sales person and happen to come across a woman who thought very highly of him. She was able to obtain my friends business card through a third party and she contacts him instantly via e-mail. She states that she and he both made eye contact on his way out of the door and she felt something that she had never felt before. Let me time stamp this by saying that this took place in 2001.

So they end up exchanging e-mails for a few days (bad idea) and she's very straight forward with him. It intrigues my friend enough to where they both agree to meet for lunch. Apparently my friend had similar feelings about her as she did for him just after the short eye contact they had between the two of them that day. So a lunch meeting escalates to a date, and a date then escalates to, well you know, adult activities. Let me also say that my friend has always portrayed himself to be the most dedicated husband and provider to his family. So I get a call from him one day and he tells me this story about how some woman attacked him in his car one day after a lunch meeting they had. He waits two weeks to tell his wife about it and she, like any other woman would do, freaks out and tells him to leave. He stays with me for a few days and then goes back home to her. Their relationship was skewed for a few weeks, but they were able to grow past it. This is all happening in the early stages of 2002.

Skipping forward to this past week now. I'm becoming increasingly concerned with my friend as he and his wife have officially seperated due to reasons unknown by me. Over the past few months, he had been hiding from me by not returning my calls and e-mails. I reached out to another guy that he's friends with and he tells me the truth about my friend as my friend and this guy sat down one day and had a come to Jesus meeting. So this guy tells me the entire story. Everything that my friend had been telling me for the past 4 years were nothing but lies. How did it make me feel? Honestly, I wasn't even mad because I care so much about my friend. All I wanted to do was be there for him. So I kept what I knew very quiet. The very next day, my friend called me and spilled his guts about everything. I didn't say anything as I just listened to what he had to say. Come to find out, he had been going through a serious relationship with this woman and had reached a point to where he felt that he was needing to decide between this woman or his wife. I thought to myself - WOW!

So he and I have been talking daily once again now. I still love the guy to death and all, but I have to admit that I've experience a series of mixed emotions since learning the real truth. My friends says he loves this woman and loves his wife at the same time. He and his wife are currently attending counseling and are making progress. I'm extremely impressed by his wife's support for their marriage and it looks like it may all work out. His wife and I have grown to be close friends over the years so I'm just as concerned about her as I am for him.

So now with this all being said, should I continue to be nothing but supportive for him? I want to be, but there's a part of me that wants to not be so supportive of him. He still has very strong feelings for this other woman, and has said that he'll have a very hard time letting her go. Hearing that makes me kind of bitter. So tell me if I'm playing too much of a best friend role right now if yall would. I need some unbiased opinions about this mess.

(I've seen the threads on here about cheating and I will go out on a limb by saying that it's the root of all that is evil. Especially when it pertains to jeopardizing a marriage.)

Mavsluva

**Kale** · 02-07-2006, 12:41 AM

Just out if interest, are you female ?

**mavsluva** · 02-07-2006, 12:54 AM

I'm male. Married as well.

**Kale** · 02-07-2006, 05:41 AM

Originally Posted by mavsluva

Well, I say little, but it's rather enormous to be honest.

My best friend of a long time has been married for nearly 8 years. He and his wife were what I thought to be a perfect match and I really do think they are/could be. My friend has been in a funk for several months now and I've recently been informed of the root of the issue. Come to find out, he's been seeing another woman for a LONG time. Long time meaning for nearly 4 years. My friend is a sales person and happen to come across a woman who thought very highly of him. She was able to obtain my friends business card through a third party and she contacts him instantly via e-mail. She states that she and he both made eye contact on his way out of the door and she felt something that she had never felt before. Let me time stamp this by saying that this took place in 2001.

So they end up exchanging e-mails for a few days (bad idea) and she's very straight forward with him. It intrigues my friend enough to where they both agree to meet for lunch. Apparently my friend had similar feelings about her as she did for him just after the short eye contact they had between the two of them that day. So a lunch meeting escalates to a date, and a date then escalates to, well you know, adult activities. Let me also say that my friend has always portrayed himself to be the most dedicated husband and provider to his family. So I get a call from him one day and he tells me this story about how some woman attacked him in his car one day after a lunch meeting they had. He waits two weeks to tell his wife about it and she, like any other woman would do, freaks out and tells him to leave. He stays with me for a few days and then goes back home to her. Their relationship was skewed for a few weeks, but they were able to grow past it. This is all happening in the early stages of 2002.

Skipping forward to this past week now. I'm becoming increasingly concerned with my friend as he and his wife have officially seperated due to reasons unknown by me. Over the past few months, he had been hiding from me by not returning my calls and e-mails. I reached out to another guy that he's friends with and he tells me the truth about my friend as my friend and this guy sat down one day and had a come to Jesus meeting. So this guy tells me the entire story. Everything that my friend had been telling me for the past 4 years were nothing but lies. How did it make me feel? Honestly, I wasn't even mad because I care so much about my friend. All I wanted to do was be there for him. So I kept what I knew very quiet. The very next day, my friend called me and spilled his guts about everything. I didn't say anything as I just listened to what he had to say. Come to find out, he had been going through a serious relationship with this woman and had reached a point to where he felt that he was needing to decide between this woman or his wife. I thought to myself - WOW!

So he and I have been talking daily once again now. I still love the guy to death and all, but I have to admit that I've experience a series of mixed emotions since learning the real truth. My friends says he loves this woman and loves his wife at the same time. He and his wife are currently attending counseling and are making progress. I'm extremely impressed by his wife's support for their marriage and it looks like it may all work out. His wife and I have grown to be close friends over the years so I'm just as concerned about her as I am for him.

So now with this all being said, should I continue to be nothing but supportive for him? I want to be, but there's a part of me that wants to not be so supportive of him. He still has very strong feelings for this other woman, and has said that he'll have a very hard time letting her go. Hearing that makes me kind of bitter. So tell me if I'm playing too much of a best friend role right now if yall would. I need some unbiased opinions about this mess.

(I've seen the threads on here about cheating and I will go out on a limb by saying that it's the root of all that is evil. Especially when it pertains to jeopardizing a marriage.)

Mavsluva

In my experience I think once you split up , or there is another person in the relationship then it is ultimately doomed. You say thay are having councelling yet he says "He still has very strong feelings for this other woman, and has said that he'll have a very hard time letting her go". Well how the hell does that work. If thats always in his head then he should split with his wife and move on in my opinion. You have to decide who you want to support more, him or his wife. So what if he didnt tell you everything, what are you, his mother ?
Have you got a thing for his wife by any chance ? That could be clouding your vision on all of this too.

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 09:41 AM

Originally Posted by mavsluva

So now with this all being said, should I continue to be nothing but supportive for him? I want to be, but there's a part of me that wants to not be so supportive of him. He still has very strong feelings for this other woman, and has said that he'll have a very hard time letting her go. Hearing that makes me kind of bitter. So tell me if I'm playing too much of a best friend role right now if yall would. I need some unbiased opinions about this mess.

I can answer your question in these three little words... "Bros before hoes"

Support your friend, he already has professional help. He does not need you to try and run his life.

Meddle in his affairs at this point in time and you will lose your best friend, leaving you with his bitter ex wife that will surely move on and forget all about you in the meantime leaving you with NOTHING.

**swizole** · 02-07-2006, 09:58 AM

Originally Posted by timvds

I can answer your question in these three little words... "Bros before hoes"

Support your friend, he already has professional help. He does not need you to try and run his life.

Meddle in his affairs at this point in time and you will lose your best friend, leaving you with his bitter ex wife that will surely move on and forget all about you in the meantime leaving you with NOTHING.

no doubt

**mavsluva** · 02-07-2006, 10:16 AM

I agree with you 100% Tim.

My goal is to help him with his situation and to not be another issue to have to deal with at this time. The last thing a support figure should do is be selfish.

Thanks folks.

**IBdmfkr** · 02-07-2006, 10:23 AM

Sad story, brought it on himself though. Lying and cheating gets you nowhere in life. Sorry to hear that bro.

**taiboxa** · 02-07-2006, 10:47 AM

tough love.. STONE HIM remember thy old testiment!

i am NOT a fan of adultry in any way i despise it but it does happen even to those you would never imagine..

be his friend but keep it real dont tell him ITS OK.. it happens sometimes ><

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by taiboxa

tough love.. STONE HIM remember thy old testiment!

i am NOT a fan of adultry in any way i despise it but it does happen even to those you would never imagine..

be his friend but keep it real dont tell him ITS OK.. it happens sometimes ><

Its not his place to give him tough love though. Remember thy old testament also says let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.

Also that you are not your brothers keeper.

There is just some things you need to keep away from, I personally would never call up my best bud and say "Hey bro, how are things between you and the wife?" Not my business whatsoever.

**mavsluva** · 02-07-2006, 11:07 AM

I've been following the words of TIMVDS fairly closely this past week.

One thing that continues to enter my mind is that I grew close to this best friend of mine based upon the way in which he portrayed himself to me and to others. Now that I know that he's been unfaithful in his marriage, I'd be a fool to not ask myself questions about the other areas of his life and whether or not he's been true to me. I refuse to do this right now, but I still think about that sort of thing.

My goal for my friend as his wife is for them to continue to be together and grow strong once again. That's all I really care about. One thing that I have failed to mention is that he and his wife have two young children (ages 1 and 3) so that just adds more fuel to this fire. I trust that my friend and his wife will make it work for everyone's sake.

**IBdmfkr** · 02-07-2006, 11:12 AM

Just pray for them, other than that stay out of it and be there if support is needed.

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by mavsluva

I've been following the words of TIMVDS fairly closely this past week.

One thing that continues to enter my mind is that I grew close to this best friend of mine based upon the way in which he portrayed himself to me and to others. Now that I know that he's been unfaithful in his marriage, I'd be a fool to not ask myself questions about the other areas of his life and whether or not he's been true to me. I refuse to do this right now, but I still think about that sort of thing.

My goal for my friend as his wife is for them to continue to be together and grow strong once again. That's all I really care about. One thing that I have failed to mention is that he and his wife have two young children (ages 1 and 3) so that just adds more fuel to this fire. I trust that my friend and his wife will make it work for everyone's sake.

I speak from experience that just because he is unfaithful does not mean he will carry that aspect through everything else he does in life.

It will take some serious counseling and support if he wants to make things work with the wife. However if he does want it to work he has to lose the other girl eventually....Before she ends up pregnant. Its all fun and games until that happens, then reality sets in.

Some people have an urge to burn the candle at both ends so to speak, and yes you can love both one and the same. (yes, speaking from experience)

**taiboxa** · 02-07-2006, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by timvds

Its not his place to give him tough love though. Remember thy old testament also says let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.

Also that you are not your brothers keeper.

There is just some things you need to keep away from, I personally would never call up my best bud and say "Hey bro, how are things between you and the wife?" Not my business whatsoever.

i kant help it .. i like to throw rox ><

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 11:44 AM

Originally Posted by taiboxa

i kant help it .. i like to throw rox ><

**Grappler13** · 02-07-2006, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by timvds

I can answer your question in these three little words... "Bros before hoes"

Support your friend, he already has professional help. He does not need you to try and run his life.

Meddle in his affairs at this point in time and you will lose your best friend, leaving you with his bitter ex wife that will surely move on and forget all about you in the meantime leaving you with NOTHING.

A wife is not a Ho. Especially one who ddon't cheat on her hubby. Hub's a weak man and you have to ask yourself how he'd treat you when you needed him when he dicked his wife for four years. Ditch him and the whole thing.

timvds is right on one point, you don't need to run his life but you also don;t need that kind of friend. If my friend cheatss on his wife he's not my friend or a man. I'm not friends with fake men: men who appear to be upstanding and are liars.

My 2 cents.

**Grappler13** · 02-07-2006, 11:56 AM

Damned bro, he lied to you. I'd kick the shit out of him for good measure. Doesn;t sound like a friend.

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by Grappler13

A wife is not a Ho. How would he really know what HIS wife is or isnt? Especially one who ddon't cheat on her hubby. How would he know what thier home life is really like?Hub's a weak man and you have to ask yourself how he'd treat you when you needed him when he dicked his wife for four years.Probably the same way he alsways has...Which is why he was his friend to begin with Ditch him and the whole thing. I would seriously not like to be your friend..

timvds is right on one point, you don't need to run his life but you also don;t need that kind of friend. If my friend cheatss on his wife he's not my friend or a man. I'm not friends with fake men: men who appear to be upstanding and are liars.

My 2 cents.

Hope this helps.

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 12:05 PM

Originally Posted by Grappler13

A wife is not a Ho.

And to clarify... That's figurative speech my friend.

**decadbal** · 02-07-2006, 12:06 PM

im not reading all that, someone make it into a single informative SHORT paragraph

**decadbal** · 02-07-2006, 12:06 PM

im not reading all that, someone make it into a single informative SHORT paragraph

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 12:10 PM

Originally Posted by Grappler13

Damned bro, he lied to you. I'd kick the shit out of him for good measure. Doesn;t sound like a friend.

I can guarantee he lied about his affairs alone. Which BTW is his personal business. Do you go around telling all your friends that you juice? (If you did of course) If they asked would you just come out and say it??

**Grappler13** · 02-07-2006, 12:11 PM

Originally Posted by timvds

Hope this helps.

Hey, if his wife is a cheatin whore who beats him and their kids, etc.... it's a different story. However, not that different. He married her and he cheated on her. He was too weak to divorce her and pursue hot pants.

I'm a good friend and I choose mine carefully (at least now I do). In the past, I've been in codependent relationships with weak men that I considered friends and THEY ALWAYS DICK YOU OVER. They'll screw you girlfriends, lie to you, steal from you. For me, it's God, wife, the rest of the world. If a man breaks his vows to his wife he will lie to you too.

Hey, only you can decide if he's worth it but from your post, it doesn't seem like he's the victim here.

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 12:11 PM

Originally Posted by decadbal

im not reading all that, someone make it into a single informative SHORT paragraph

Would you like to see the cliffnotes?

**decadbal** · 02-07-2006, 12:13 PM

yes plz, written at a 4th grade reading level prefferable

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by Grappler13

Hey, if his wife is a cheatin whore who beats him and their kids, etc.... it's a different story. However, not that different. He married her and he cheated on her. He was too weak to divorce her and pursue hot pants.

I'm a good friend and I choose mine carefully (at least now I do). In the past, I've been in codependent relationships with weak men that I considered friends and THEY ALWAYS DICK YOU OVER. They'll screw you girlfriends, lie to you, steal from you. For me, it's God, wife, the rest of the world. If a man breaks his vows to his wife he will lie to you too.

Hey, only you can decide if he's worth it but from your post, it doesn't seem like he's the victim here.

Nah no offense taken my man, its all good.

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by decadbal

yes plz, written at a 4th grade reading level prefferable

well, his best friend is cheating on his wife. he wanted to know if he should just stay out of it and support him either way or just give him tough love and tell him how bad he is ****ing up or whatnot.

**MASTER** · 02-07-2006, 12:16 PM

Well hes your bro man, gotta stand by him even tho he has been a bit of a penis, thats what real friends are for!

**decadbal** · 02-07-2006, 12:17 PM

did you bag his ole lady... if so, then dont tell him, if it wasnt you... give the whore up, im sure she would u

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 12:19 PM

Originally Posted by decadbal

did you bag his ole lady... if so, then dont tell him, if it wasnt you... give the whore up, im sure she would u

holy crap.. youre a poet and dont know it.

you didnt ready the cliffnotes did ya?

**decadbal** · 02-07-2006, 12:19 PM

i sorta did...lol

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 12:26 PM

Originally Posted by decadbal

i sorta did...lol

sorry edited the post

**decadbal** · 02-07-2006, 12:29 PM

oh, no if he is cheating, then no wrong doing have occured, he should continue in his adventure, and you should support him no matter what... unless your a cockblocking faggot...if thats the case..then tell his wife

**Maraxus** · 02-07-2006, 12:32 PM

whoa n1gga I aint reading all that shit.

**mavsluva** · 02-07-2006, 12:35 PM

Oh no, this is not my ordeal, nor do I have anything going on between his wife and myself. My wife is friends with his wife as well, so they talk all of the time. My friend's wife does know about this, and she asked him to leave as soon as she was informed on the mess. So he's going to be staying with my wife and I starting this Friday for the remainder of the month while he and his wife continue with their counseling agenda.

My friend introduced me to the bible a number of years ago so that's why I feel so strongly about him. So for him to put himself in this situation.....well lets just say that it's everything that I never expected. I know my friend has a good heart, and maybe he did it because of some issues between he and his wife. I'm just trying my best to remain positive of the situation and will continue to do so moving forward.

Great responses yall.

**decadbal** · 02-07-2006, 12:37 PM

the bible, who is she... did you marry her, or just have a mind altering exp... either way... dont let this "bible" control your actions... help him do it... infact you prolly should do it, so you cant ever tell on him

**mavsluva** · 02-07-2006, 12:43 PM

My friend came forward with the truth to his wife about a week ago. It's all said and done now. All they're doing now is working through it and attempting to rebuild what they used to have.

**timvds** · 02-07-2006, 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by mavsluva

Oh no, this is not my ordeal, nor do I have anything going on between his wife and myself. My wife is friends with his wife as well, so they talk all of the time. My friend's wife does know about this, and she asked him to leave as soon as she was informed on the mess. So he's going to be staying with my wife and I starting this Friday for the remainder of the month while he and his wife continue with their counseling agenda.

My friend introduced me to the bible a number of years ago so that's why I feel so strongly about him. So for him to put himself in this situation.....well lets just say that it's everything that I never expected. I know my friend has a good heart, and maybe he did it because of some issues between he and his wife. I'm just trying my best to remain positive of the situation and will continue to do so moving forward.

Great responses yall.

You are a good friend BTW. I did not know you and your wife took him in due to the situation. Good luck.

If he is seeking counseling and respects your home then I would give him all the support he needs.