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  1. #1
    JP1570's Avatar
    JP1570 is offline Senior Member
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    French War Synopsis _ FUNNY

    The Complete Military History of France Gallic Wars - Lost. In
    a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is
    conquered by of all things, an Italian.
    Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
    inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
    victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
    Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two
    wars when fighting Italians.
    Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots Thirty Years War -
    France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
    Claims a tie on the basis that, eventually, the other participants started
    ignoring her.
    War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
    The Dutch War - Tied
    War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but
    claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over
    to label the period as the height of French military power.
    War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first
    taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
    American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
    Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more
    action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second
    Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the
    fighting."
    French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
    French.
    The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due
    to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear
    designer.
    The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy
    to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
    World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
    States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with
    a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of
    condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
    World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain
    just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
    War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
    the Dien Bien Flu
    Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a
    Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
    Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the
    First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
    Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
    War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
    Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
    ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
    The French have now banned fireworks displays at Euro Disney. Reason: After
    last evenings fireworks display the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison
    surrendered.

  2. #2
    BIG TEXAN's Avatar
    BIG TEXAN is offline Respected Member
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    That has got to be the funniest shit I've ever read......this has made my day, thank you!!!!!

  3. #3
    JP1570's Avatar
    JP1570 is offline Senior Member
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    Glad someone appreciated it. Why am I not surprised it was the guy from Texas and the guy from Louisiana

  4. #4
    Animal Cracker's Avatar
    Animal Cracker is offline Anabolic Member
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    That is great...When I worked with NATO, I had to deal with those frog, snail eating bastards. They are all animals.

  5. #5
    JP1570's Avatar
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    glad I could at least amuse a few good southerners

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