Thread: Divorce questions...
04-17-2003, 09:07 PM #1
I know some of you have had this experience...so help me out here if you can.
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and our relationship has really been strained for the past 3 years or so. We have one child, and both agreed that she is only thing that keeps us together.
So we are sitting there, talking about this, and she seems to feel the same way I do. We are young (I'm 30, she is 28), and really cannot see doing this for another 30 or so years.
Then came the subject of our house and custody. I am in Cali, so I know I would have to fight to take my daughter, something I really do not want to drag us through. She has agreed to let me have summers and holidays...and I can keep the house. In exchange, I do not fight for sole custody. While I am not really keen on not seeing my daughter for weeks at a time, it is something that must be done.
So...any of you guys have experience in the child support thing? Can we decide on an amount without the need to see a lawyer? Thus far, she is pretty calm, and said she was relieved I felt the same way she did. My only fear is that her mom will talk her into trying to rape me in court.
Any advice is appreciated.
04-17-2003, 09:17 PM #2
If I were you, I'd still get a lawyer to make sure she signs on paper what you two agree to, before her mother gets into it.
04-17-2003, 09:23 PM #3
I can only give you my perspective as a child whose parents went through something similar. The divorce was VERY amicable, all things considered...I hate to say it, but my mom was entirely to blame and sole custody went to my father. Despite the fact that he was not ordered to pay a dime in alimony, my father maintained that her not having worked in her entire life solely in order to raise myself and my siblings behooved him to at the very least insure she would not, at the age of forty-something, have to start working. So, without the prompting of a court order, my father (who was fairly wealthy) continued to support her. All went well for some time....As smart as he was, I don't know how he didn't see this coming, because I sure did, but as soon as she had a boyfriend that became aware of my father's financial situation, she immediately became convinced she was entitled to a hell of a lot more...i could go on for pages about the shit that happened. However, the moral of this story, as my father told me maybe a few weeks before he died, was that in matters of love, marriage and divorce, as amicable and mature as a split might be, it is ABSOLUTELY in your best and indeed necessary interest to do everything in your power to insure that the divorce is airtight...every aspect carried out in a court of law...NOOOOO "I'm glad we can take care of this part without a lawyer", as there's no telling how that can come back to bite you...whether you be rich, poor, average, tall, short, etc, etc. Just my two cents.
By the way, sorry to hear about it....I flip flop every day concerning what I think about marriage (as evidenced by my signature quote) and no matter how much two sides agree on the matter, I have to imagine parting is always a sorrow...nothing sweet about it.
04-17-2003, 09:25 PM #4
sorry to hear it bro. But you guys should see a lawyer. Not on your own but together. Just to get everything writen down and signed. that way there is no dispute later. Also there will be things you guys might not even think about but he will just from past exp.
hope everything works out for you.
04-17-2003, 09:34 PM #5
Thanks guys. I think I will set up a consult with a lawyer. Her mom is my worst fear, since she went through a surprise divorse, and really hates men. I have a feeling she would rather see me suffer than be able to at least make a home for my daughter.
Can she change the terms once we sign? I mean, if suddenly I get a promotion or something, or mom puts an idea in her head...
04-17-2003, 09:58 PM #6
thatta' boy, get everything on paper before the ex-mother-in-law tries chopping off your man-hood.
Once you have everything in writting and signed, you're golden bro... get that consultation and protect yourself.
Good luck bro.
04-17-2003, 10:20 PM #7
Bro I just went through this, 3 yrs ago in may! It sucks no matter what the out come or how it splits, sival or not! I got lucky she just doesnt want to grow up and i have sole custidy she gives me child support to help with daycare and preschool. We get along fine right now. I want here to see her son and he deserves to know his mom just as if it was the other way around. But she just this past weekend droped the bomb and told me shes moving out of state so now i will have to wait and see what going to happen, will she just start a new life and move ON and forget about us ???? What happens if she wants him down the road ???? So Im glad its all done through the Lawyer who knows what will happin the future!
Hey if shes seems to be on the same page with you I would talk to her about spending more time with your daughter tell her your daughter should not be the one that suffers because you two dont get along or arent in love any more. YOU CAN STILL BE FRIENDS after 8 yrs of Marriage at the least for your daughters sake. Plus if theres gonna be another Guy in your daughters life, I would be friends with him find out what hes all about it will be important for yur daughter, he could be a desent guy so KEEP YOUR COOL! If you still live close theres no reason that she shouldnt let you do things with her. Your X will be getting on with her new life away from you and probably would enjoy having time to her self here and ther, EVEN if she dosent addmit it right away! Keep your cool and remember your daughter is the FOCUS!!!!!!!!! Sorry to here this bro it has been hard for me and I personally know it will be hard, HARDER for you if you dont see her that often! Keep your thoughts Positive no matter what YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ALL DAY LONG!!!!! EX. ( PIST OFF, HATEFUL, SELFPITTY) these things wont help you only hurt you! Expect that things are going to be fine, YOU DESERVE IT! YOUR daughter loves you and it sounds like your wife dosent hate you! So theres a positive start! EXPECT EXPECT EXPECT!!!
Last edited by PHATCAT; 04-17-2003 at 10:25 PM.
04-17-2003, 10:23 PM #8
Let me tell you, being on Clomid right now is not making this much easier
Again, thanks for the replies guys. I appreciate the time you guys took to write them. Good advice. I am a pretty mellow guy, so I don't anticipate trouble with any of her future men...barring any problems between them and my daughter.
04-17-2003, 10:37 PM #9
Ah man - FAMILY COURT - DO NOT get me started! First off, as a guy - you have no rights. You can acknowledge and accept that right now...
Your best bet is to do an uncontested divorce and agree to everything through civil discussions and desciding what is best for you child. A contested divorce (over property and/or child custody) will cost thousands. And you two should agree that the money spent on lawyers would be best spent on your child.
Your divorce decree is best prepared by a lawyer and signed in front of the same (should cost only a few hundred bucks for the lawyer fees - if you go near military bases you could probably get find one for $99! Some lawyers do nothing but uncontested divorce agreements.). If you try and download the forms and do it yourself, and sign away from any lawyers or even notary publics (everytime a signature is needed have to have a witness!) your decree could easilly fall apart... just when you thought it was over...
My biggest piece of advice is to agree to everything... keep talking to each other rationally. And if if Mom does not want you to have sole custody - then you will not get sole custody. I have seen really good fathers (myself included) spend thousands on a contested custody battle and get no legal or physical custody of their children. It's a real shame... but's its an issue that seems to be a problem in the US.
On a good note, I heard California judges were charged to hear Dad more than they have in the past. But then again I also heard the same about my judges ... there are a lot of Dads-Gettin-Screwed support Web sites and Internet discussion boards on this topic.
BTW - Child support is figured through a Child Support Worksheet. You plug in your income and find out how much you have to support. If you make about 30-40k per year... expect around 350-400 per month. You guys can't agree on a reasonable amount - the courts figure it all out for you. If you didn't think marriage was a legal issue before - you will now.
Good luck to you, stay civilized with each other, take notes, have witnesses, get support from friends and family and keep your head up.
04-17-2003, 10:42 PM #10
Again, I am thankful for the responses. It's good to know there are other guys out there who went through this crap and are willing to share info. I figured the support would be closer to 1/3 of my income, so that makes me feel a little better. I make about 50K, so my guess would be $600 or so...
04-18-2003, 02:42 AM #11
I am not in the mood, so I have not read the long replies some other people posted, so maybe the following as already been said.
Whether you decide to get a lawyer or not (probably best if you do), either way, make sure you got some kind of contract. Even if you write it out yourself, make sure it states the agreement clearly, and that she signs it. For example the house, make sure the contract says you become the sole owner, and make sure she signs it, also it would be important to have a witness present (does not have to be a lawyer). Also, the child however, isn't something that can really be written in a contract, although you can still do it (but because she is a living person), it would be best to consult a lawyer/court about this matter.
Make sure also she can't find something to hold against you, some past criminal offense, etc. Also, talk to her and make sure she feels comfortable with all the choices, etc, you don't want her mother screwing things up.
04-18-2003, 08:31 AM #12
Sorry, but unless one of you is heartless and evil the only answer is to stay together until the kid is old enough to understand and make decisions for herself. That's probably impossible though, so that means you have a dilemma, a problem with no good solution. Good luck, and don't put your daughter through senseless bickering back and forth.
You must hate your wife more than you love your daughter, and your wife must feel the same way, sad.
04-18-2003, 08:42 AM #13
Hey bro, i feelya bro! I got divorced, no children involved thank god. But the one thing i will tell u, she may be all nice and agreeable now but once she speaks with a lawyer things will change. So i recommend getting one urself. Good luck!
04-18-2003, 09:15 AM #14Associate Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2001
I set up child support for my son without the courts help. Typically the system in my opinion tries to keep it out of the courts. Mediation was the way to go for myself. I have him 3x a week and pay 150 a week in child support, with the mediation there are no lawyers so you can save a bundle. just my two cents
04-18-2003, 03:53 PM #15
Swole, I agree this is the worst thing I have ever faced in my life. But, the thought of staying in a failed marriage for another 10 years, until my daughter is out of school and off to college is absurd. She's old enough now to see the difference between her family and the other kids at school. My wife and I have no life together. We are only bound because of my daughter. My wife mentioned that the only time we can be together is when my daughter is there, and it is true. I cannot imagine how things will be in a couple more years, and to force my daughter to live through that would be equally terrible.
None of my decisions are easy, my only hope is that we can make it clean and as painless as possible, for my daughter's sake.
Thanks for the replies...we are still in the negociating stages, so I am preapring for the worst.
04-18-2003, 04:15 PM #16New Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2003
I think that you're doing the correct thing as children can sense stress/strain in a marriage and as difficult as divorce can be initially - in the long term it's better for all parties involved if it's become obvious the marriage is failing.
I'll just echo everyone else's advice: Get a lawyer, get everything in writing and try to be as agreeable as possible during the process. My divorce went very well, in large part because I tried to pick my battles carefully!
Good luck with your situation. I hope everything works out for you.
04-19-2003, 12:57 AM #17
OGPackin is right get a good lawyer. In cases like this you got to think about yourself and do what benefits you and your kid. BE SELFISH! Trust me on this; every move, every motion you make has got to benefit you and only you. Remember you come first before anyone. Regardless of how nice the Misses is. Thinking like this is the only way you will come out ahead at the end. And hey if you want to be nice after the judgement, so be it. Chances are not.
04-19-2003, 05:17 PM #18
I hear that, rx. She has flipped several times from nice to pissed in the last couple of days.
05-01-2003, 06:48 PM #19
If you have time to read a book on the subject, I'd highly recommend "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein. It looks at divorce from the viewpoint of the effects it has on the children involved, in case that's something you'd be interested in.
I dont agree it's ever best to only think of yourself. You may not consider your wife at all an innocent party in this but your child will always be and will always remember you for what you do now.
That's just my .02 from painful personal experience. I wish you the best of luck in this -take your time and don't rush into anything.
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