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Thread: cyber sex

  1. #1
    manijak's Avatar
    manijak is offline Associate Member
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    cyber sex

    this dude just kills me
    bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
    j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
    bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
    j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
    j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
    bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
    j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
    j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
    bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
    j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
    bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
    j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
    bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
    bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
    j_gurli3: thats it.
    bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
    bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

    hehehe more
    bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
    Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?
    bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
    Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.
    bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:
    bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
    (pause)
    Katie_007: is that it?
    bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
    bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
    Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
    (pause)
    bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... sexily.
    bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves of grains.
    Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
    bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
    bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this shit is HOTT.
    Katie_007: ...
    bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
    Katie_007: What the f*ck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
    bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
    Katie_007: whatever.

    and last but not the least

    Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

    Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
    heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
    are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

    Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on
    a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also
    wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
    dinner...it smells funny.

    Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

    Wellhung: OK

    Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the
    stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into
    your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
    begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

    Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

    Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

    Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

    Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

    Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

    Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk
    slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
    rubbing.

    Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
    hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

    Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

    Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

    Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft
    breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

    Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck.
    Do you have any scissors?

    Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back
    undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
    breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

    Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
    the clasp.

    Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
    tongue all over me.

    Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
    breasts. They're neat!

    Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
    nibbling your ear.

    Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
    phlegm.

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

    Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
    my blouse.

    Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
    a plop.

    Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
    hard tool.

    Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

    Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

    Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
    in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

    Sweetheart: What's the matter?

    Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

    Sweetheart: Are you OK?

    Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

    Sweetheart: Can I help?

    Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
    through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

    Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

    Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

    Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

    Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

    Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

    Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
    And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
    Where's the bedroom?

    Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

    Wellhung: I found it.

    Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
    badly.

    Wellhung: Me too.

    Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
    bodies pressing each other.

    Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

    Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

    Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
    glasses on the night table.

    Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

    Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
    and toward the bathroom.

    Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

    Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
    the toilet. I lift the lid.

    Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

    Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
    but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

    Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

    Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
    Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my
    way.

    Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

    Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
    your...you know...woman's thing.

    Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

    Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
    your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

    Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
    it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

    Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

    Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
    on my face.

    Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
    floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

    Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
    underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

    Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
    I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
    picture frames and your candles.

    Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

    Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
    our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
    at it, a shocked look on my face.

    Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

    Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

    Sweetheart: <logged off>

  2. #2
    clockworks's Avatar
    clockworks is offline Anabolic Member
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    hehe those are pretty funny, i can't imagine them being real though...

    -- clocky baby

  3. #3
    chevy44's Avatar
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    omg that last one made my day!!!!!

  4. #4
    tolinka's Avatar
    tolinka is offline Senior Member
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    Enjoy this one....lol

    Girl: Hi

    Boy: hello

    Boy: who is this?

    Girl: just a someone?

    Boy: A someone I know?

    Girl: nope

    Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?

    Girl: well sorrrrrry

    Girl: I just wanted to chat with you

    Boy: why?

    Girl: nevermind your an asshole

    Boy: Hey wait a minute

    Girl: yes?

    Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid

    Girl: paranoid?

    Boy: yes

    Girl: of what?

    Girl: me?

    Boy: No. I'm in hiding.

    Girl: LOL

    Boy: Don't fucking laugh at me!

    Boy: This shit is serious!

    Girl: What are you hiding from?

    Boy: The cops.

    Girl: gimme a fucking break

    Boy: I'm serious.

    Girl: I don't get it

    Boy: The cops are after me.

    Girl: For what?

    Boy: I'm wanted in three states

    Girl: For???

    Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.

    Boy: I had sex with a turkey.

    Boy: Hello?

    Girl: You are fucking sick.

    Boy: Send me your picture.

    Girl: why?

    Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.

    Girl: One of what?

    Boy: The cops.

    Girl: I'm not a cop i told you

    Boy: Then send me your picture.

    Girl: hold on

    Boy: Hurry up.

    Boy: Are you there?

    Boy: fuck you, cop!

    Girl: Hey sorry

    Girl: I had to do something for my mom.

    Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.

    Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.

    Boy: Weren't you!?

    Girl: thats not it

    Boy: Then what?

    Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty

    Boy: Most cops aren't

    Girl: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKHEAD!

    Boy: Then send me the picture.

    Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?

    Boy: Just send it through here.

    Girl: alright *PIC*

    Girl: Did you get it?

    Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.

    Girl: That was me back in may

    Girl: I've lost weight since then.

    Boy: I hope so

    Girl: what?!?

    Girl: that hurt my feelings.

    Boy: Did it?

    Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.

    Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?

    Girl: yes

    Boy: Alright let me find it.

    Girl: kks

    Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*

    Girl: this isn't you.

    Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!

    Girl: You don't look like that.

    Boy: How the hell do you know?

    Girl: cause your profile has another picture.

    Boy: The profile pic is a fake.

    Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.

    Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol

    Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....

    Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.

    Girl: Go fuck yourself

    Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture

    Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.

    Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.

    Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.

    Girl: you hurt me.

    Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?

    Girl: I thought you were bullshitting me!

    Boy: Why would I do that?

    Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you

    Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..

    Girl: FUC YOU!!!

    Boy: You'd break both of his legs.

    Girl: You're a FUCKing asshole.

    Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight

    Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me

    Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.

    Girl: No you aren't

    Boy: You're right. I'm not.

    Boy: HAARRRRR!

    Girl: I'm done with you

    Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.

    Girl: I'm putting you on ignore

    Boy: Wait a sec

    Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.

    Boy: Wanna start over?

    Girl: No

    Boy: I'll eat your pussy

    Girl: You'll what?

    Boy: You heard me.

    Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.

    Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture

    Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?

    Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes

    Boy: Well I'm not like most men.

    Boy: I get excited in different ways.

    Girl: Like what?

    Boy: Do you really wanna know?

    Girl: I don't know

    Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.

    Girl: I'm afraid to

    Boy: Why?

    Girl: cause

    Boy: cause why?

    Girl: well lets see

    Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out

    Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?

    Boy: Nope

    Girl: well its strange to me

    Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to

    Girl: I didn't say that

    Boy: So is that a yes?

    Girl: I guess so.

    Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.

    Boy: Are you willing?

    Girl: What do you need me to do?

    Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.

    Girl: ???

    Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"

    Boy: ok?

    Boy: Hello?

    Girl: You can't be serious

    Boy: Oh yes I am!

    Boy: It's my fantasy.

    Girl: this is retarded

    Boy: Do you want it or not?

    Girl: Yes I want it.

    Boy: Then you'll do it for me?

    Girl: sure

    Boy: Ok. Here we go.

    Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.

    Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them

    Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.

    Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.

    Girl: mmmm yeah

    Boy: uh oh ...going limp.

    Girl: Har

    Boy: You gotta do better than that!

    Boy: Your picture was really bad.

    Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRR

    Boy: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every stroke.

    Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.

    Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.

    Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.

    Girl: mmmmmm you are good

    Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder

    Boy: going limp

    Girl: HARRRRRRR

    Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.

    Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.

    Boy: going limp

    Girl: this is stupid

    Boy: ...still limp

    Boy: Do it!

    Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR

    Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.

    Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.

    Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.

    Girl: WTF?!?!?

    Boy: They stink really bad.

    Girl: OMG STOP!!!

    Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass

    Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.

    Boy: I ram it up your ass.

    Girl: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!

    Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.

    Boy: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...

    Boy: I kick you in the face!

    Girl: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!

    Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...

    Boy: Your parrot flys away.

    Boy: ...going limp again.

    Boy: Hello?

    Boy: Say it!

    Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

  5. #5
    EXCESS's Avatar
    EXCESS is offline Retired Moderator
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  6. #6
    daem's Avatar
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    Originally posted by tolinka
    Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
    that is too funny...i lost it when i got to that part

  7. #7
    wrstlr69sdnl's Avatar
    wrstlr69sdnl is offline Senior Member
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    lol

  8. #8
    tolinka's Avatar
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    Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
    Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
    Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
    Girl: WTF?!?!?
    Boy: They stink really bad.




    Harrrrrr!!!

  9. #9
    clockworks's Avatar
    clockworks is offline Anabolic Member
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    how do >i< get into these chat rooms?

    -- clocky baby

  10. #10
    Big Rush's Avatar
    Big Rush is offline The Juice Man
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    what website do you find all this on? i remember stumbling upon it a year or so ago and it was hilarious....anyone know?

  11. #11
    Terinox's Avatar
    Terinox is offline The One & Only
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    THIS SHIT IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKEN HILARIOUS!!!

    I couldn't stop laughing out loud!!! HARRRRRR!!!

    I neeeeeeed MORE!! Is there a link you get those at or something?!?

  12. #12
    palme's Avatar
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    HARRRR MATY!

  13. #13
    Slypknot's Avatar
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    OMG that has got to be the funniest shit I have read in a long time... we gotta find the url for more

  14. #14
    Slypknot's Avatar
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    Here's more!!!

    bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
    BritneySpears14: Aight.
    bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
    BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
    bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
    BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
    bloodninja: Me too baby.
    BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
    bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
    BritneySpears14: Hey...
    bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
    BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
    bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
    BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
    bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
    bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
    BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
    bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
    bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
    bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
    bloodninja: Baby?

  15. #15
    wrstlr69sdnl's Avatar
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    lol thats funny sh*t

  16. #16
    wrstlr69sdnl's Avatar
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    where did u get it from Slypknot

  17. #17
    Slypknot's Avatar
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    Just did a search on google for 'bloodninja'...

  18. #18
    tolinka's Avatar
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    Here is one more...i pulled alot of shit on some forums...

    Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
    DirtyKateK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
    DirtyKate:Who are you?
    Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
    Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
    DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
    Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
    DirtyKate: Haha! OK
    DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
    Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
    DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
    Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
    DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
    DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
    Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
    **pause**
    DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
    Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
    Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
    **pause**
    DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
    Bloodninja:How did you know?
    Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
    Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
    DirtyKateooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
    Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
    DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
    Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
    DirtyKate:What the f**k?
    DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
    DirtyKate:F**k

  19. #19
    Tank21's Avatar
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    lol! I think i shit my pants, Arrggghhh

  20. #20
    Polska's Avatar
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    Thats the most hilarious shit I've ever heard in my life! was that seriously live or is this fictional? either way, hilarious tolinka!!!!

  21. #21
    BLOOD is offline Associate Member
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    OMFG, I can't stop laughing at that shit!

  22. #22
    Big Rush's Avatar
    Big Rush is offline The Juice Man
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    man i wish i could remember the website i was thinking about...

  23. #23
    Needtobeswoledup is offline Associate Member
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    Funny shit!

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