Simpsons' quotes

**Bulldog5.0** · 06-05-2003, 02:09 PM

In the one where Bart wins the elephant:
Homer (in a tarpit): "Don't worry. I'm sure I can struggle out of here! I'll just pull my legs out with my arms(arms get stuck). Now, I'll pull my arms out with my face."

When Marge's aunt dies and one of Marge's sisters decides she wants kids:

Willie, after viewing Selma's tape: "Back to the Loch with you, Nessie."

Homer, realizing that the chips he's eating were Marge's aunt's collection of potato chips that resemble celebrities: "Uh-oh" and continues to eat them.

After Lisa drinks the water and hallucinates, in the first aid office:
First aid guy: "Give her these, then these, and these" hands a bunch of pills to Selma. Selma: "Thank you, doctor" Guy: "Oh I'm not a doctor"

From the Springfield lemon tree episode:
Homer: "He didn't turn bad because of one little speech. If anything it was the time you made him wear a swimsuit instead of underwear. And let's not forget your little speech."

**withoutd0ubt** · 06-05-2003, 02:12 PM

Homer: "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"

Burns: Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.

Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

Chief Wiggum "See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free. "

Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

Homer: "You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel." -Homer (on the phone)

**withoutd0ubt** · 06-05-2003, 02:21 PM

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.

Homer: *Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Realease the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?*

**withoutd0ubt** · 06-05-2003, 02:22 PM

Homers Jobs: do you remember them?

1. Nuclear Power Plant Safety Inspector
2. Nuclear Power Plant Technical Supervisor
3. Gulp-n-Blow Waiter
4. Freak Show Participant
5. Mr. Burns' Assistant
6. SlashCo Door-to-Door Salesman (Handle first!)
7. Grave digger
8. Voice of Poochie the Dog
9. Bowl-o-rama Employee
10. Miniature Golf Course Employee
11. Monorail Conductor
12. Dog training school bait
13. Astronaut
14. Krusty the Klown double
15. Kwik-e-mart Employee
16. Blackjack Dealer
17. Bootlegger
18. Sugar Salesman
19. Simpson and Son Revitalizing Tonic Salesperson
20. Boxer
21. Carnie
22. Safety Protester
23. Singer in the B Sharps
24. Mascot for the Springfield Isotopes (Dancin' Homer)
25. Mr. Plow proprietor (plowing business)
26. Teacher of Marriage Class
27. Lurleen Lumpkin's manager
28. Big Brother to Pepi
29. Chili Taster
30. Owner of the Denver Broncos
31. Naval Officer
32. Housesitter
33. Telemarketer
34. Informant for the IRS
35. Car Designer for Powell Motors
36. Cypress Creek Plant Supervisor
37. Sanitation Commissioner
38. Selling grease to a grease recycling plant.

**flexgolf** · 06-05-2003, 04:40 PM

Originally posted by withoutd0ubt
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.

Homer: *Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Realease the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?*

timeless classics

**peam** · 06-05-2003, 07:59 PM

keep um comming guys....they're funny to read... I just don't have any to contribute

**UndercoverNerd** · 06-06-2003, 11:16 AM

Ralph: "What's a diarama?"

Homer: "See Lisa? Do you believe me now that dead rats float?"

Homer: "Marge! You know I like my donuts round, my beer cold and my gays flaaaamming!!"

Ralph: "He smells like Grandma!"

Martin Prince: "Later, Mrs. K."

Apu: *singing* "Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I doooooo!"

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain as Undercover Nerd: "The geeks shall inherit the earth."

Patty and Selma: "Welp, we beat cancer!"

Homer: "I smell Cake! *sniff, sniff* That says, 'Congratulations and *sniff, sniff* Best Wishes!"
Nelson: "Your dads nose is amazing."
Bart: "That's nothing. He can hear pudding."

C. M. Burns: "Excellent, Smithers. Excellent."

C. M. Burns: "Don't worry about me. Now make sure you take lots of pictures!"
Smithers: "Oh Mr. Burns. Where I vacation they don't allow cameras."

C. M. Burnes: "A-hoy, hoy?"

**UndercoverNerd** · 06-06-2003, 11:38 AM

Homer: "But Marge, we're missing the Chili Cook-Off!"

Ralph: "Hey mister! Your drinking a candle."

Homer: "Oh, I wanted a peanut!"
Homer's Brain: "Twenty Dollars can by many peanuts."
Homer: "Explain how!?"
Homer's Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services."
Homer: "Wo, who!!!"

Lenny: "He carries his own spoon. They say he whittled it from a larger spoon."

Marge: "And I've begun drinking a half a glass of red wine a day. I know doctors say it's okay for a full glass, but I just can't drink that much."

Dr. Nic Riveria: "That's what the insides of us looks like? That's disgusting!"

Judge Schneider: "Ah, yes. I remember when I was a boy...."
Homer: "Uh, Judge Schneider? *pointining to watch* While we're young?"

C. M. Burnes: "Did I say Corpse Hatch? I meant to say innonence tube."

**UndercoverNerd** · 06-06-2003, 12:48 PM

Originally posted by withoutd0ubt
Homers Jobs: do you remember them?

39. Food Critic for Springfield Paper
40. Proprietor of Day Care
Homer: *singing* "If you're happy and you know it say a swear."
Millhouse: "Boobies."
Nelson: "Heinie."
Ralph: "Mittens."
41. Barkeep in his garage bar.

**flexgolf** · 06-06-2003, 01:47 PM

Originally posted by UndercoverNerd

39. Food Critic for Springfield Paper
40. Proprietor of Day Care
Homer: *singing* "If you're happy and you know it say a swear."
Nelson: "Heinie."
Ralph: "Buttons."
41. Barkeep in his garage bar.

hahahaha thats great...."buttons"

**Latin-muscle** · 06-06-2003, 01:52 PM

Homer: (singing) With bart and millhouse in the car: We built this city,this kick ass city on rock and roll!

**UndercoverNerd** · 06-06-2003, 03:12 PM

Sorry flexgolf, I had it wrong - A friend reminded me what Millhouse said and that Ralph said Mittens, not Buttons. Still funny as hell.

**David B.** · 06-06-2003, 05:05 PM

Originally posted by UndercoverNerd
Sorry flexgolf, I had it wrong - A friend reminded me what Millhouse said and that Ralph said Mittens, not Buttons. Still funny as hell.

"My cat's name is Mittens."

"My cat's breath smells like cat food."

**caturpilar** · 06-06-2003, 07:00 PM

(lemon tree episode dog chasing bart)
Homer : I'll distract him (throws a steak, dog eats and keeps running)
Homer: Run faster boy now he has a taste for meat.

(when homer burns down the church)
MARGE: Homer, that is the dumbest thing you've ever done.
HOMER: Marge, you've said that so many times it's lost all meaning.

**flexgolf** · 06-06-2003, 10:02 PM

Homer "im sterile....right baby doll"
Marge "yes dear, from the nuclear plant"

**flexgolf** · 06-06-2003, 10:03 PM

Frink "now ive redorkulated"

**withoutd0ubt** · 06-06-2003, 10:22 PM

homer: me fail english? that's unpossible

**David B.** · 06-07-2003, 01:04 AM

Originally posted by withoutd0ubt
homer: me fail english? that's unpossible

That was Ralph!

**flexgolf** · 06-07-2003, 06:49 AM

Originally posted by 956Vette
Ralph: Me fail engish, that's unposibble!
ralph: hi super nintendo chalmers.

hahahaha

**UndercoverNerd** · 06-09-2003, 11:19 AM

Rainer Wolfcastle: "Sara, please take me back. If my bulging ducts could, I would be crying like a baby who was just hit with a hammer."

Clency Wiggum: "Go ahead Ralphie, the stranger is offering you a treat."

The Sea Captain: "Are you hitting on me? Because I don't do that with a man - on land."

Millhouse: "My dad's top man at the Cracker Factory."

Grandpa Simpson: "Back in my day....*falls asleep snoring*."

Patty: "My God Troy, are you gay?"
Troy McLure: "Gay?! I wish! No, what I suffer from is an odd Fish Fetish Afflection."

**withoutd0ubt** · 06-09-2003, 12:25 PM

wolfcastle: it gets zero city , 1 highway

then proceeds to drive over top the gate in front of his house

from the episode where bart dates his daughter

**Bulldog5.0** · 06-09-2003, 01:58 PM

Snake, after stealing a cash register- "Bye-bye student loan payments!"

When sideshow Bob gets arrested:
Bart- "Take him away boys"
Wiggum-"Hey that's my job. Bake him away, toys"
Cop-"What chief?"
Wiggum-"Just do what the kid said"

When Homer is the country singer's manager- "They don't call me colonel Homwer 'cause I'm some dumbass army guy"

**David B.** · 06-09-2003, 03:57 PM

Ranier Wolfcastle: Perhaps you are all homosexuals.

Ralph: I'm too scared to wet myself.
C. Wiggums: Just relax, boy, and it'll come.

(I may not have got that one quite right...)

--dave

**David B.** · 06-09-2003, 05:49 PM

"It's full of bunly goodness!" Lunch Lady Doris, RIP

--dave

**Bulldog5.0** · 06-10-2003, 12:16 PM

Flanders offers to let The Simpsons use his Beach house for a week:

Homer: "I only get two weeks vacation every year and you want me to spend one at your lousy beach house?"
Flanders: "Tell ya what- if it'll seal the deal I'll take a look at your septic tank and see if I can get her humming again"
Homer: "Deal! See Flanders? You give a little, you get a little."

Lisa: "Is there anything here that isn't made of meat?"
Lunch Lady Doris: "Possibly the meat loaf"

Homer is laying on a couch, talking to a man seated near him-
Homer: "I always thought Marge was my soulmate. If she's not, what do I do?
Man: "This really goes beyond my training as a furnture saleman" Camera pulls back to reveal that Homer is in a late night furniture store, not a shrink's office "Now if you don't want to buy the couch I'll have to ask you to leave"

In the episode where Homer burns trh house down:
Barney to Chief Wiggum: "Hey what are these axes for?"
Wiggum: "I don't know, chopping stuff"
Barney: "Gotcha" chops down Simpson's mailbox
Wiggum: "That's some nice choppin'"

In the episode where Burns opens a Casino, when Maggie wanders off while Marge is at the slots Barney grabs her before one of Sigfried and Roy's white tigers eat her-
Barney: "You need to be more careful. Your little boy Bart almost got eaten by that pony!"

When Homer gets the invitations back for his barrbeque-
Bart (reading): "'Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B stands for BYOBB'"
Lisa: What does that extra B stand for?
Homer: That's a typo

**chevy44** · 06-10-2003, 04:46 PM

another job of homer: chiropractor (with the trash can)
this is also the episode where the real chiropractors destroy homers invention w/ spinal cords!
i dont remember the lines of this episode, but it it one of the funniest (imo) where homers brother returns to visit him and he asks to borrow some $ to invent a "baby translator" his bro was showing him the blue print and all homer could see was that wooden bird who would swoop down into the glass of water!

this is a line form one of the newer episodes! ralph asks "are u my mommy" it turns and hes talking to a wolf. the wolf then grabs him and takes him aways as ralph says" ur breath smells like bunnies"

**David B.** · 06-11-2003, 08:40 AM

Lunch Lady Doris: "They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French."

Willy: "Bonjourrrrrrrrrr, ya' cheese-eatin' surrender-monkeys!"

--dave

**flexgolf** · 06-11-2003, 10:31 AM

Originally posted by David B.
Lunch Lady Doris: "They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French."

Willy: "Bonjourrrrrrrrrr, ya' cheese-eatin' surrender-monkeys!"

--dave

ohhh god i just laughed for 5 minutes on one quote....i just imagine his voice with that line

**caturpilar** · 06-18-2003, 06:41 PM

not sure how accurate. Episode were bart got laddie and trying to find SLH and ask willy if he has him
Willy: Ya I had em. And I 'ate 'em. I 'ate the way he looks, I 'ate the way he sounds, and I 'ate the way he smells. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.

**David B.** · 06-18-2003, 11:58 PM

Originally posted by caturpilar
not sure how accurate. Episode were bart got laddie and trying to find SLH and ask willy if he has him
Willy: Ya I had em. And I 'ate 'em. I 'ate the way he looks, I 'ate the way he sounds, and I 'ate the way he smells. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.

Classic scene!

I like the scene just before that one, where Reverend Lovejoy refers to the dog as "Satan's Little Helper," and tells Bart they gave him to a man in a dress. Next you see Bart knocking on Patty & Selma's door...

--dave

**UndercoverNerd** · 06-19-2003, 07:34 AM

Bart: "How could a story where everyone gets murdered be so lame?!"
Lisa: "But Hamlet is a classic!"
Homer: "Yes, and it was made into a classic movie, *long pause* called Ghostbusters."

**flexgolf** · 06-02-2005, 08:21 PM

bumping this very old thread, hoping someone can find a nice addition from more recent episodes

**symatech** · 06-02-2005, 09:26 PM