Good jokes

[lovbyts]

Lmao that's so racist

Ive never been accused of being politically correct.

[Hoggage_54]

Ive never been accused of being politically correct.

I can verify this.

[RaginCajun]

This thread reminds me of the apocryphal story of the woman journalist who interviewed a Scout Master. When she asked him about the equipment and training the Scouts received, the Scout Master included whitling with knives, and target shooting with bows and arrows, and with rifles. The aghast journalist insisted that such training must be stopped as it is going to turn them into murders by providing them all the equipment. To which the Scout Mast replied that the woman journalist must surely be a prostitute since she had been provided with all the equipment.

[lovbyts]

^^^^^ hahaha I saw that one coming. You know its going to get me in trouble because im going to end up using that line.

[HGH4Lymes]

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a zebra?







Banned from the zoo.

[HGH4Lymes]

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On the way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.

Then follows a tense minute of silence. An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

[lovbyts]

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On the way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.

Then follows a tense minute of silence. An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

OK that one is better than the zoo one.

[Jesusbrah]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."

[lovbyts]

^^^^ Thats just wrong, funny but wrong.

[GirlyGymRat]

^^^^ Thats just wrong, funny but wrong.

Ewwwwww!!!!!

[GirlyGymRat]

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On the way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber. Then follows a tense minute of silence. An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

Hahahahaha.

[lovbyts]

A man was walking along one of Southern California's sandy beaches with his surf board. He suddenly spots this bottle which has recently washed up on the beach. It's obvious it's been tossed around for a long time. He picks up the bottle and notices that it still has the cork intact. So, being curious as to what may be inside, he manages to get the cork out and out pops a Genie.


After expressing profound appreciation for having been let out of the bottle, the Genie grants his benefactor the classic, "one wish" and it will be yours. Being an avid surfer, it doesn't take him long to say, "I've always wanted to surf Hawaii, but I get seasick on ships and I'm afraid to fly. Would you build me a bridge to Hawaii?"


The Genie replies:
"Do you know what you are asking for? Do you know how long the bridge would have to be? Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. And the maintenance of that bridge! No, think of another wish."


The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said,
"I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women ... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment ... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing ... know how to make them truly happy ... I really want to understand women and how they think!"


After a long sigh, the Genie responds:
"Would you like that bridge with two lanes or four?"

[HGH4Lymes]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph, and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy.
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.

[lovbyts]

^^^^^ that's bad. Made me lol but bad.

btw a Ferrari GTO cant do 320 mph. I think you mean 320 km/h

[GirlyGymRat]

Liked both contributions. Here's mine!

[scotty51312]

A dwarf with a lisp walks into a nut shop and asks the store keeper...

"Hewwo sir how much are your cashews?"

Storekeep: 12.99/lb

Dwarf: Oh hell no way way too much How much are your almonds?

Storekeep: 11.49/lb

Dwarf: no no no waaaay too much. How much are your peanuts?

Storekeep: 5.99/lb

Dwarf: ok ok fine I'll take one pound of your overpriced peanuts. And sir i would like to thank you for not making fun of my lisp when i talk.

Storekeep: No problem sir. I would like to thank you as well for not making fun of my unusually large nose.

Dwarf: Oh shit thats your nose....your nuts are so high i thought it was your dick!!!!!!!

[RaginCajun]

Liked both contributions. Here's mine!

bahahahahahahahaha!!!

[CharlesThe4th]

What's the baby corn say to the momma corn?

Where's papacorn


Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

The P is Silent


What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second one.


And the Lord said unto John, "come forth and you will receive eternal life."

John came 5th and won a toaster.

[GirlyGymRat]

Chuckles chuckles chuckles.

[lovbyts]

Liked both contributions. Here's mine!

Now that's a good idea....

[Hoggage_54]

[DAAS]

They say in 2 out of 3 relationships, someone is unfaithful. I can't figure out if its my wife or my girlfriend.

I think I told that right..

[Hoggage_54]

[GirlyGymRat]

Just awful baby daddy joke

[Jesusbrah]

[HGH4Lymes]

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little apprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I don't know...I think she choked."

[lovbyts]

Just awful baby daddy joke

It's only awful because there is a lot of truth to it now days. lol

[lovbyts]

[lovbyts]

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???

[CharlesThe4th]

Great pick up lines or nah?

Are you a haunted house, because I might cry when I come inside you.

Hello, are you trying to become a single mother?

[lovbyts]

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that ... before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining for Arizona border guards. 'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!'

[itsmybody]

Maybe inappropriate...especially for a female to post but have to say funniest I have heard in awhile.
Signed: another lovely sausage wallet

http://youtu.be/z92aeqPYaSw

[lovbyts]

Maybe inappropriate...especially for a female to post but have to say funniest I have heard in awhile.
Signed: another lovely sausage wallet

http://youtu.be/z92aeqPYaSw

Omg that's too funny. Some people have great imaginations.

[wicked442]

Little johnny comes in from the living room and asks mom,why does grandma have a shrimp? Mom says what and goes to living room. Grandma is sleeping on couch naked totally exposed and legs open. Johnny points at grandmas clit and says, see mom,grandma has a shrimp. Mom says,no johnny that is grandmas clit. Johnny says,well it tastes like shrimp. OOHHH!

[clarky.]

Little johnny comes in from the living room and asks mom,why does grandma have a shrimp? Mom says what and goes to living room. Grandma is sleeping on couch naked totally exposed and legs open. Johnny points at grandmas clit and says, see mom,grandma has a shrimp. Mom says,no johnny that is grandmas clit. Johnny says,well it tastes like shrimp. OOHHH!

Lmfao

[lovbyts]

[lovbyts]

[lovbyts]

[NACH3]

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???

Lmao!

[Hoggage_54]