Depressed? A healthy way out!

[Nephets]

I think religion is like most things in life. If it brings you joy then hang on to it. If not, move on and find something that does.

[hammerheart]

Before my depression I was positive that people with mental health issues were a very small minority of the population. After, I'm quite sure they make up the majority.

Unfortunately there are also worse mental issues than depression. Sometimes I miss the "melancholic" depression I experienced through my teens. It was much of a lighter burden.

[Nephets]

No matter what you label it, it all sucks from the perspective of the person in it.

[MuscleScience]

Its amazing how it doesn't have to be chemical. Poor mental habits and negative outlooks can spawn a depression that swallows your life.
I used to be extremely negative mentally as you described. I still am at times but It is sooo much better today.
I look at posessions now as a passing thing. I expect all things to pass so I enjoy them while I can.
Its not so good for longevity of my posessions though. I rod the piss out of everything, use things like they are disposable, because they are.

Family is all it takes. Someone to share your darkest and brightest moments, to hell with all the other stuff. Good job Stephen.

Negativity eventually changes your brain chemisty. Abraham Lincoln had a quote that said something to the effect that people are only as happy as they choose to be. I think part of my problem and spiral downward was how negative and cynical I was. I mentioned about that my friends stopped calling, who wants to be around that? Negative people can bring you down with them.

The second good point you brought up about possessions. I would obsess about
Owning something like a car, boat, new AR or whatever. It was an extremely short term high.

Life is hard.... no one makes it out alive.

As for making depressed people live in a communal. One of the great and odd aspects of depression is the ablitly to feel alone while simultaneously being surrounded by loved ones who want to help.

It completely sucks all the joy out of your life. I used to describe it to my wife like this. Think of 3 things that you would like to do if time and money were no issue. When she gave me her answer I told her I couldn't think of a god damn thing. That's what it felt like to me. It's very hard to understand it unless you are in it.

I knew I was sick when even going fishing didn't appeal to me. Fishing is what I'm know for ever since I was kid. That brings me joy more than anything. If you can't find joy it's hard to climb out of the pit.

[Obs]

Unfortunately there are also worse mental issues than depression. Sometimes I miss the "melancholic" depression I experienced through my teens. It was much of a lighter burden.

I have depression through many generations of my family.
My mother, grandfather, grandmother, and great grandmother were at some point in their lives in a loony bin for a bit. (Still no idea if it was my fault lol)

My 17 year old sister had a chemical severe manic depressant breakdown and she can no longer carry on intelligent conversation.
It was so severe it took the doctors months to figure out if she was schizophrenic or not.

I thought she was on drugs and confronted her about it one evening right after her breakdown.
She stood up screaming and the whites of her eyes turned deep red and she literally instantly hived out before my eyes.

I instantly knew she was not right in the head and backed off.

The doctors say it was drugs that triggered the sudden loss of sanity. I had warned and yelled at my parents for 3 years that she was on drugs and they needed to quit letting her walk around the scummy little town she lived in, with little methead rejects as friends.
Well, now they don't deny it. My mother apologized to me and I blew up on her. I told her if she wanted to apologize to apologize to the 17 year old girl that would never be able to live a half normal life and I didn't speak to her for over a year.
I feel really shitty about it now. My sister was young but she knew better and did it anyway and she paid a terrible price.

There are different types of depression, but they are all very real. When I was a kid I didn't believe in depression, then I grew up and saw my sister that day, have her brain cause sudden instant chemical influxes throughout her body...
I knew then that it cannot be denied and sometimes cannot be stopped or even slowed down without the introduction of chemicals.

Depression is a soul swallowing bitch, chemical or not.

[hammerheart]

Negativity eventually changes your brain chemisty

+1 on that. Some aspect of brain chemistry can be damaged by our own way of thinking.

[MToption2]

As for making depressed people live in a communal. One of the great and odd aspects of depression is the ablitly to feel alone while simultaneously being surrounded by loved ones who want to help.

I don't know about that. Living with family is different than with friends. I would put SO (significant other) in between those two ends. We all know which end is more exciting.

I look at posessions now as a passing thing. I expect all things to pass so I enjoy them while I can.
Its not so good for longevity of my posessions though. I rod the piss out of everything, use things like they are disposable, because they are.


Family is all it takes. Someone to share your darkest and brightest moments, to hell with all the other stuff. Good job Stephen.

I knew many Asians, Hispanics, and Africans that couldn't wait to emigrate to USA. ALL of them told me they were eventually disappointed. Despite making significantly more money here, they were much much happier in their native home communities.

[hammerheart]

I have depression through many generations of my family.
My mother, grandfather, grandmother, and great grandmother were at some point in their lives in a loony bin for a bit. (Still no idea if it was my fault lol)

My 17 year old sister had a chemical severe manic depressant breakdown and she can no longer carry on intelligent conversation.
It was so severe it took the doctors months to figure out if she was schizophrenic or not.

I thought she was on drugs and confronted her about it one evening right after her breakdown.
She stood up screaming and the whites of her eyes turned deep red and she literally instantly hived out before my eyes.

I instantly knew she was not right in the head and backed off.

The doctors say it was drugs that triggered the sudden loss of sanity. I had warned and yelled at my parents for 3 years that she was on drugs and they needed to quit letting her walk around the scummy little town she lived in, with little methead rejects as friends.
Well, now they don't deny it. My mother apologized to me and I blew up on her. I told her if she wanted to apologize to apologize to the 17 year old girl that would never be able to live a half normal life and I didn't speak to her for over a year.
I feel really shitty about it now. My sister was young but she knew better and did it anyway and she paid a terrible price.

There are different types of depression, but they are all very real. When I was a kid I didn't believe in depression, then I grew up and saw my sister that day, have her brain cause sudden instant chemical influxes throughout her body...
I knew then that it cannot be denied and sometimes cannot be stopped or even slowed down without the introduction of chemicals.

Depression is a soul swallowing bitch, chemical or not.

Drugs, and I'd add alcohol, are terrible things to do when one's growing, their influence on brain it's going to stay hardwired for the rest of one's life, some chemicals are even directly toxic to neurons (like meth).

There is also others from my family with same issue, there is thus a genetic (but also social ones propagates) component and I know one is on a long list of medications but all they do is numb her down.

[MToption2]

some chemicals are even directly toxic to neurons (like meth).

Not entirely true.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21635908
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25724762

[hammerheart]

Not entirely true.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21635908
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25724762

Irrelevant, I doubt there's methheads applying that in real life.

As for prescribed stimulants I'd just stick to amphetamine (adderall) abs no need for meth.

[BG]

Depression can do funny things to you. As shitty as it is, ive come to learn a lot about myself and how broken your thought process can be without even realizing it.

I think to myself, if I could have those thoughts then maybe the person asking about it does too. I'm sure it would be nice for them to know they are not alone.... even if they think they are.

Its crazy when you think that most people have no idea how it feels. My heart goes out to those who suffer, super tough shit.

[Myers]

....

[Obs]

I haven't seen this many users on a thread since the last competition thread. I would say you found a good subject, Musclescience.

[Couchlock]

This is just what I needed to read.

Thx

[Too-$mall]

great post,

Glad to hear you guys are happy now.

I'll admit something. my wife and i have fought more days in our 3 year marriage than we've been happy. she HATES my dogs and got pregnant a year ago, so i wouldn't divorce her. she has no license and is pretty messy and throws LOUD screaming fits. she goes to school and works part time. I do quite a bit of the cleaning, I grocery shop, pickup/drop off her and the kid E/D + work 50hrs week. she also works weekends, which i have off. i watch my son Sat and Sun. i love my son, but my life sucks... when i say we fight all the time. we fight all the time. sometimes it gets physical. we need a divorce, but i don't want to tear our lives apart. she says she loves me but i have no clue why. i don't have the money for a divorce where i fight for custody. and god help my son if she becomes soley responsible for him. weekends are hardly ever relaxing because we are always fighting. she also has low sex drive / cant take doggy style well and does not enjoy performing oral. i mostly masturbate... like an idiot i thought she would just go with whatever i tell her because she loves me. nope. she's controlling. i hate it. i hate my life. this is my life and the only good thing about it is my son. we just finished fighting. it took about 3 hours... great life huh. i almost think i can't divorce her. i hate her though. she sucks at life. when it comes to personal lives, i suck at life. i carry on though not thinking about the shit situation so much. probably just used to it. that's probably not good.

[Jphunter]

great post,

Glad to hear you guys are happy now.

I'll admit something. my wife and i have fought more days in our 3 year marriage than we've been happy. she HATES my dogs and got pregnant a year ago, so i wouldn't divorce her. she has no license and is pretty messy and throws LOUD screaming fits. she goes to school and works part time. I do quite a bit of the cleaning, I grocery shop, pickup/drop off her and the kid E/D + work 50hrs week. she also works weekends, which i have off. i watch my son Sat and Sun. i love my son, but my life sucks... when i say we fight all the time. we fight all the time. sometimes it gets physical. we need a divorce, but i don't want to tear our lives apart. she says she loves me but i have no clue why. i don't have the money for a divorce where i fight for custody. and god help my son if she becomes soley responsible for him. weekends are hardly ever relaxing because we are always fighting. she also has low sex drive / cant take doggy style well and does not enjoy performing oral. i mostly masturbate... like an idiot i thought she would just go with whatever i tell her because she loves me. nope. she's controlling. i hate it. i hate my life. this is my life and the only good thing about it is my son. we just finished fighting. it took about 3 hours... great life huh. i almost think i can't divorce her. i hate her though. she sucks at life. when it comes to personal lives, i suck at life. i carry on though not thinking about the shit situation so much. probably just used to it. that's probably not good.

Nobody should live like that , I've been there as a child , and I was there as an adult . You don't want your child to think that is normal . I left my wife and I'm not going to get into it . At the end it was so bad I would have rather left and been wrong then stay and never know ..... Best thing I ever did and I've been raising my daughter by myself since she was 10 , soon to be 17 and she is a beautiful strong confident young women because of it , who sees the amazing relationship her father has with an equally amazing women and the respect and love that we give each other . Suffering together just to be together hurts everybody . You will never grow as a family or be happy for that matter . Hope it all works out for you brother .

[Obs]

great post,

Glad to hear you guys are happy now.

I'll admit something. my wife and i have fought more days in our 3 year marriage than we've been happy. she HATES my dogs and got pregnant a year ago, so i wouldn't divorce her. she has no license and is pretty messy and throws LOUD screaming fits. she goes to school and works part time. I do quite a bit of the cleaning, I grocery shop, pickup/drop off her and the kid E/D + work 50hrs week. she also works weekends, which i have off. i watch my son Sat and Sun. i love my son, but my life sucks... when i say we fight all the time. we fight all the time. sometimes it gets physical. we need a divorce, but i don't want to tear our lives apart. she says she loves me but i have no clue why. i don't have the money for a divorce where i fight for custody. and god help my son if she becomes soley responsible for him. weekends are hardly ever relaxing because we are always fighting. she also has low sex drive / cant take doggy style well and does not enjoy performing oral. i mostly masturbate... like an idiot i thought she would just go with whatever i tell her because she loves me. nope. she's controlling. i hate it. i hate my life. this is my life and the only good thing about it is my son. we just finished fighting. it took about 3 hours... great life huh. i almost think i can't divorce her. i hate her though. she sucks at life.

Nope, you could leave her ass tonight and the next six months would suck but you would be better off for it. It seems like the end of the world for a while but it sounds to me like you are getting walked on.

No one will walk on you if you don't lie down for them.

She has no leverage if you don't lover her drop her now before your kid is older. The longer you carry on the worse it will become.
I had marriage counseling once, before it was over we were all yelling at each other. My wife was lazy as hell and bled me dry and then some to the point I couldn't pay bills. She contributed nothing and was a little girl who got bored playing house and left.

In retrospect I should have left years before. I wasted a decade of life on that waste of space and still stuck it out until she left.

If it is as you say, physical and all, she will leave you eventually if you dont leave her first.

My ex couldn't hold a candle to the love I feel for my girlfriend now. You get so used to living in chaos, you think there is no way out. There is someone out there that would adore you and your wife isn't the one.
You are living a facade and one day you will no longer be able to perpetuate it.

Just the opinion of someone who has been there.
Good luck sir.

[Obs]

Nobody should live like that , I've been there as a child , and I was there as an adult . You don't want your child to think that is normal . I left my wife and I'm not going to get into it . At the end it was so bad I would have rather left and been wrong then stay and never know ..... Best thing I ever did and I've been raising my daughter by myself since she was 10 , soon to be 17 and she is a beautiful strong confident young women because of it , who sees the amazing relationship her father has with an equally amazing women and the respect and love that we give each other . Suffering together just to be together hurts everybody . You will never grow as a family or be happy for that matter . Hope it all works out for you brother .

Exactly! lol!
I thought every couple fought. No, they dont. I have been in two or three small arguments with this girl I am with now and they were over as fast as they started. I have been with this one 1/8 the amount of time I was with my ex and I have probably had sex with my girlfriend more than I did the entire time I was with my wife (two cycles helped that).

Once a week I can look at my girlfriend and say something like, "I want you to know how much I love you and I want you to know for certain that you are the greatest thing to ever happen to me."
She will immediately tear up and return it with sincerity.

That is love and its not just going through the motions. We honestly try for each other and love doing anything together.

Now why would you pass on something like that for someone you fight with at least once a day???

[KINGKONG]

Just wanna say I enjoy the thread and that everytime Iam doing my best mentally and Iam my happiest is when Iam weight training seriously ..if I keep my diet and training in check my life is in check.Iam really at the point were I've found my stride..I feel healthier and happier at 37 than I did at 20 and Iam enjoying my life and my weight training had really taken a therapeutic role in my life and has changed and morphed into a whole new thing with age..

[AR's King Silabolin]

But now training has become a great thing in my life, along with many here Kel has shown/guided me in training being healthy and how to keep it going in these later years (after 20+ years your body doesnt want it anymore).

Bull.
Just make sure your test and igf1 is ok. Then u need to realize the rest must be longer. 10 days is perfect for me nowadays. (Chest monday and wednesday the next week etc)
And u stil need shitloads of good carbs.
These few princippials will stil let u grow as u used to.
And u dont need the cheating anymore. Avoid injuries.

[tarmyg]

Bull.
Just make sure your test and igf1 is ok. Then u need to realize the rest must be longer. 10 days is perfect for me nowadays. (Chest monday and wednesday the next week etc)
And u stil need shitloads of good carbs.
These few princippials will stil let u grow as u used to.
And u dont need the cheating anymore. Avoid injuries.

I have no idea if this is a language barrier Silabolin but in this thread, if possible, you are coming across as completely ignorant. Your writing is simply not making any sense, it's not even connecting to what you are replying too. Did you mean to reply to BG in this case?

[AR's King Silabolin]

Show some respect sil. For real. That was pretty low bouncing in with that post. These guys are bearing their soul and you say something rude and childish.

Also the last 5 or 6 post if anyone has anything else to contribute please do. I like hearing about this topic and how others overcome their challenges. Respects guys

“There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance.”

― Socrates

[DocToxin8]

Sil, maybe sit this one out?
You never get depressed you say so why bother with this.

Great thread!

Oh yes, I think most have suffered at least mild depression,
then many here also moderate depression, and from what I read also some severe depression. (These are clinical terms, a moderate depression might feel just as bad, but severe depression has a mortality rate of 10%!
That's right, clinical severe depression is more deadly by far than testicular cancer! Kinda funny to think about)

And training is absolutely a way to deal with depression!
Preferably training a place where you got a good environment and some buddies you know, even if you don't know them that well.
We are social creatures; just spending some time in the gym, hopefully in an environment it's possible to chat some when you don't have HIIT workouts or after sets, etc can be good.
But when you're truly down you often feel isolated from all,
and it's hard to connect.

To find some meaning, not necessarily the meaning with a big M,
but just meaningful stuff to fill the days, is a great way to pull oneself up.

I've had my bouts of depression and still do at times,
but what I realize is that no matter if you feel isolated or alone,
and everything is kinda hopeless,
it all starts with you.

You are the one that need to takes step to find happiness,
and it really isn't far away. It's just a mindset really.

And further than that, one needs some sort of feeling of fulfillment, of doing something with purpose of meaning. This can be anything,
and just striving to find these things and implement them can allready be a big step towards getting out of the hole.

It's hard for people that have never been that far down to comprehend I imagine, but I think most people have at least suffered some sort of depression.
There's even some scary types you don't really notice yourself until you're quite deep.
But there's always a way up.

Great thread!
Will check in later.
(And to avoid cluttering it up with nonsense, just ignore the BS if you can)

[Obs]

Good post doctox, I knew you had been there. Good luck with any demons you have and good job overcoming past ones.

[Jphunter]

exactly! Lol!
I thought every couple fought. No, they dont. I have been in two or three small arguments with this girl i am with now and they were over as fast as they started. I have been with this one 1/8 the amount of time i was with my ex and i have probably had sex with my girlfriend more than i did the entire time i was with my wife (two cycles helped that).

Once a week i can look at my girlfriend and say something like, "i want you to know how much i love you and i want you to know for certain that you are the greatest thing to ever happen to me."
she will immediately tear up and return it with sincerity.

That is love and its not just going through the motions. We honestly try for each other and love doing anything together.

Now why would you pass on something like that for someone you fight with at least once a day???

amen !

[MuscleScience]

It's amazing how therapeutic it is to get shit off your chest. Then I find out your not the only one that has struggled at times.

[GirlyGymRat]

[GirlyGymRat]

It's also why I try not to get sucked into meaningless arguments with people.
I only have so many fucks to give each day. I'm not going to waste them on trivial matters.

Hmmmm. This post made me pause and reflect.

Here's edits to make it mine until I reflect on it a bit more...

I'm not going to waste mine on trivial matters and emotional people.

[marcus300]

It's also why I try not to get sucked into meaningless arguments with people.
I only have so many fucks to give each day. I'm not going to waste them on trivial matters.

MS. Ive got a hell of alot to give this thread professionally and also experience but there's certain parts of my life have to keep secret for certain reasons so I'm still up in the air about all this if i should post. But just want to say you have risen highly on my list i respect and learnt your an extremely lovely guy.

Let me think how i could translate some stuff without opening up certain parts of my daily stressful life.

I don't care you fish anymore. By the way xx

[Obs]

I agree, MS is a great person and an asset to the forum! Very knowledgeable, helpful, and very level headed.
Marcus, there is a multitude on here that would be riveted to hear any personal detail about you, you are an interesting beast.

[marcus300]

I agree, MS is a great person and an asset to the forum! Very knowledgeable, helpful, and very level headed.
Marcus, there is a multitude on here that would be riveted to hear any personal detail about you, you are an interesting beast.

You've no ides obs honest and not just saying that. It would shock you to the core but let me think and start writing something

[MuscleScience]

Hmmmm. This post made me pause and reflect.

Here's edits to make it mine until I reflect on it a bit more...

I'm not going to waste mine on trivial matters and emotional people.

I love that Carl Jung quote, I use to have that on my life Goals Board in my bedroom. Probably time I make a new one. Also, love the edit I might steal that ;-)

MS. Ive got a hell of alot to give this thread professionally and also experience but there's certain parts of my life have to keep secret for certain reasons so I'm still up in the air about all this if i should post. But just want to say you have risen highly on my list i respect and learnt your an extremely lovely guy.

Let me think how i could translate some stuff without opening up certain parts of my daily stressful life.

I don't care you fish anymore. By the way xx

I held back a lot too, for probably the same reasons. I found that even not putting all the events down to paper, but just cycling them through my head has been a huge weight off my chest. In my heart of hearts, I hope that this helps people out there. I have never spoke any of this to my friends or family. In the real world if you knew me personally you would think nothing bothers me. I keep my emotions good or bad to myself a lot. That's probably one reason I had problems. I have always tried to walk through life as though I'm a ship on calm waters, no matter the storm or events my boat doesn't rock and the waters don't ripple. I think I am going to have to learn that I need to go more with the tide and weather the storms.

I appreciate the kind words, ever since I joined the board I have looked up to you as a friend and mentor. I have learned a lot from you and the many friends I have here over the years. In all honestly, I open up to you guys and gals here more than I do my own friends and family.

Love to you all.

[Obs]

You've no ides obs honest and not just saying that. It would shock you to the core but let me think and start writing something

"He is the most interesting man in the world... Mosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respect"

"I don't always pump iron, but when I do I prefer H I T."

"stay hungry mi's amigos"

[MuscleScience]

I agree, MS is a great person and an asset to the forum! Very knowledgeable, helpful, and very level headed.
Marcus, there is a multitude on here that would be riveted to hear any personal detail about you, you are an interesting beast.

Thanks bro, I have watched your post over the last few months. Not only have you been growing in the gym (a lot!) but also as a person. Much respect!

[Obs]

Thanks bro, I have watched your post over the last few months. Not only have you been growing in the gym (a lot!) but also as a person. Much respect!

Thank you, I am trying to never be negative or argue as you do. I am still not there yet but I will be. Thanks for bearing with me and not casting me out. You, ghettoboyd, Marcus, Kel, rnsplg, BG, and many others are who I am trying to aspire to be like on this forum. It gets hard not to blow up sometimes because certain issues really get stuck in my craw, like someone bragging about their immoralities.
I will only get better from here on out, promise.

[MuscleScience]

Thank you, I am trying to never be negative or argue as you do. I am still not there yet but I will be. Thanks for bearing with me and not casting me out. You, ghettoboyd, Marcus, Kel, rnsplg, BG, and many others are who I am trying to aspire to be like on this forum. It gets hard not to blow up sometimes because certain issues really get stuck in my craw, like someone bragging about their immoralities.
I will only get better from here on out, promise.

When I was a kid and got picked on a lot. My Dad told me two things, if they put their hands on you, make them regret doing it again. And, someone only had as much power over you as you allow them. The later was the best piece of advise that's helped me throughout my life. Whether it's with women, bullies, bosses or politics.

[hammerheart]

When I was a kid and got picked on a lot. My Dad told me two things, if they put their hands on you, make them regret doing it again. And, someone only had as much power over you as you allow them. The later was the best piece of advise that's helped me throughout my life. Whether it's with women, bullies, bosses or politics.

That's great, I wish I was advised that way.

[songdog]

I have lost a lot in my life do to this I was angry all the time never knew why.I lost a lot of friends along the way but the real ones stayed.I wish it was as easy as hitting the weights or cleaning up my traps getting ready for the season.But I couldn't push through it and in the end I found help.

[Obs]

I have lost a lot in my life do to this I was angry all the time never knew why.I lost a lot of friends along the way but the real ones stayed.I wish it was as easy as hitting the weights or cleaning up my traps getting ready for the season.But I couldn't push through it and in the end I found help.

Quote from the movie "The Wrestler" by Randy the Ram Robinson, "The only place I get hurt is out there. [points away from the ring] The world don't give a shit about me."

Its strange how a man can go through life putting his body through absolute agony and yet that is the only time he is truly free and untouchable.

Glad you found help songdog. I also want to apologize for the other day. You don't have to accept my apology, but its still there.

[PT1982]

Hey brothers and Sisters in Iron.

I want to talk about an uncomfortable topic that is very personal to a lot of us, Depression.

I'll start with my own story. About 3 years ago my life started to unravel in all areas. Personal, professional, financial, family and health, all started to suffer extremely at the same time. I think back and it all revolved around a rather nasty knee injury. I hurt my knee right after I placed top 5 in a physique competition and was training for the big boy NPC show that was coming up. I had to take a lot of time off from the gym during rehab. That's when it seemed like the wheels fell off.

Suddenly I seem to have no direction, no motivation, a shitty outlook on life and it was rubbing off on people around me. I started drinking more than I should have,(which for me is more than a couple drinks a week) put on a lot of weight and lost a ton of muscle. My friends stopped calling and my career tanked. I started having all these weird medical issues, being in the medical field I kinda didn't take them seriously. Lastly, everything I enjoyed in the past I absolutely hated, the gym being one of them.

I was almost resentful of working out, my life has always revolved around fitness. My mental health was terrible, I had zero hope, no optimism and made very poor decisions on almost everything Big or small. I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I would like to say that I recognized what was going on and I Did, but I didn't care.

One day I thought to myself that I need to get my shit together. I couldn't figure out where I went wrong until my girlfriend mentioned something to me about how I was when I was working out a lot. That's when a lightbulb went off. I thought back to all the really difficult times in my life and one common theme popped up. Everytime I was in a bad spot, I was not working out consistently. Which, makes perfect sence since I started working out to escape the hurt and frustration that built up from being the poor skinny kid from the country and being picked on for it.

What I did, I got my butt back in the gym and got back on a healthy diet. It was very hard at first. It was easier to eat junk food, watch TV and hide from the world. My right leg was half The size of my left leg, I had this weird foot ulcer that I was going to wound care to treat with no affect, I also had these weird skin lesions that were popping up all over my body. My chronic back injury was the worst it had ever been, thankfully I had discovered Kratom to combat that. There was also a time before I decided to make the change that a day didn't go by that I didn't contemplate killing myself. But once I got back into the gym and started making gains again, my life started to make gains as well.

My sleep and mental health were first to improve. I went from hardly sleeping to great nights of sleep. I went from multiple times a day of suicidal thoughts to once a day to once a week to basically not at all. My foot ulcer started to heal almost immediately and my skin lesions disappeared. My knee pain went from constant knife in the knee pain to mild soreness to nothing at all now. My right leg is also about the same size as my left. My Gut problems also improved, i would feel Gasy and would always feel miserable after I ate, to now I rarely have gas or GI discomfort. My confidence also came back dramatically. I recently saw a friend that I hadn't seen In over a year, before I got back on the horse. She told me I had my old glow about me. She remembers thinking that the last time she saw me that she thought I had pneumonia or something.

Now I know from my medical studies that exercise is the single most effective thing to combat depression and mental illness. But what you don't learn is how fucking hard it is when you just want to die to get into the gym and make those changes. This is very hard for me to talk about, I have wrote this post out 5-6 times now only to delete it each time. My hope is that maybe someone will read this or other here will share a story or experience that will help someone out there. Or maybe spur someone to talk or not feel like they are alone. I shamed myself for being a weak bitch for a large portion of that time. I didn't do a lot of things right at the time.

One thing I must stress, when I finally got my butt in the gym and going. I waited nearly a year to run a cycle again. I hadn't cycled in 3 years up to recently. I wanted to get my diet and training down and my mental capacity sharp. I didn't want AAS to be my crutch past unhealthy habits. I wanted to build my base physically and emotionally speaking first.

To be cont...

Man, this really hit home with me. I've been spiraling out of control for about 3 years now and I feel I'm to the point of no return. The walls are closing in. Injuries, work, and everything else just weighs on me sometimes to the point that I just want it to end. I won't go the easy route because I'm not one to give up or put my family through it. It's just refreshing to see I'm not the only one. Sometimes it feels like I'm crazy and no one understands what I feel. Thanks for the post! I look forward to reading the comments!