Thread: JOKE: A Southern Warning
07-15-2003, 09:13 AM #1
JOKE: A Southern Warning
Iíve had this one for more than a few years on my computer and thought you guyís might get a tickle out of it. Well the southern Broís will donít know bout the Northern ones. Sorry if it had been posted before, I did actually do a search to see if it had. BTW, itís only a joke.
This is just the way it is.....
A Southern Warning issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton of Wal-Mart, Ted Turner of Turner Broadcasting, Michael Dell of Dell Computer, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our elders and grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ and you go home in a pine box - minus your ass.
07-15-2003, 09:29 AM #2
Good one Jugg.
07-15-2003, 09:41 AM #3
07-15-2003, 02:39 PM #4
one thought though, Jugg. you live in florida, that's not the south anymore!
07-15-2003, 03:55 PM #5
You know your a redneck if (Remember, just a joke)
Your from the south
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
* Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
* You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
* You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
* You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
* You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
* You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
* You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
* You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
* You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
* Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
* The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
* You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
* You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
* You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
* Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
* You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
* You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
* You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
* You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
* The strongest smell in your house is butane
07-16-2003, 06:27 AM #6
I hear you Jeffylyte it's hard to really say most of the people in Florida are southern's with so many transplants however, my HOME home is Mississippi. And believe me it's hard to get anymore southern than that. I hear we have running water back home now!
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