Beer Beer Beer: we have to talk
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
Yes,
my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of
endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important,
I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity
takes place after 2am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
from
my specialty, why you sugg! ested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce,
coupled
with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate
Nesquik
and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili
cheese
fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far
this
time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do
more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should
never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4.Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify
the
last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or
bras.
5. B! eer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
l ikely
do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do
actually know that person. The phrase 'let's screw' is illegal from
now
on.
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block
that
would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in
public.
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little
penance
for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm
hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper
precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going
to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
Saturday or
Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only
fair
- You do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed! our friendship for some years now and would
like
to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order
to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances
above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully
we
can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you.
