Thread: girlfriend doesn't like sex
09-29-2003, 01:43 AM #1
girlfriend doesn't like sex
im 18 years old, my girlfriend is 19. we've been dating for nearly 8 months and having sex for 6. im not her first, nor is she mine. anyways, at first, the sex was very frequent and passionate. i would say like 3 or 4 times a week. gradually, it slowed down, as did she, i.e. just laying there and not wanting to try different positions. i asked her what the deal was and she said she felt like she just lost her drive for sex. i thought it would be a temporary thing, but it has continued since then, now it is about 1 time per week and i usually have to basically ask for it. i have always known that she hadn't been orgasming, though she does through clitoral stimulation, which i thought to be fairly normal for girls her age, but i at least thought it felt good for her, which she maintains it does. anyways, tonight, i asked her about it again, and she said that she just has no drive,and she really never has, and she hasn't ever seen the fascination with sex. and she says she just doesn't ever have any crave for it at all. she says that it is not me at all, and it is all her. she also says that it seems like just because she doesn't want it, it makes me want it more, which is most defintely true, but i dotn think taht 1 time or more a week with some actual movement from her is asking for much at all. she also said that it seems like every time we touch, i am always trying to get her into the sack by my movements and stuff, but again, begging for it once a week isn't much. anyways, its late and im not sure that i got everything out that i wanted to, but i think that pretty well explains the situation. also, its really not about me getting the pleasure, which i can easily do on my own, its completely the act that i want to happen, but i want it to be an enjoyable thing for both of us. i want to learn about sex with her, not just plug away at her until i come and she can go back to watching tv. does anyone have any ideas as to what, if anything i can do? i want to keep talking with her about it, but i dont want to continue to come off as a sex- hungry maniac. also, she is on the pill, which i have heard can reduce a womans drive.
p.s. no stupid comments like, "send her this way, ill satisfy her." i posted this on this board for the reason that you guys are the most mature out of all the boards and i think you guys might have some good suggestions. thanks in advance.
09-29-2003, 01:52 AM #2
I think she should see a doctor. The lack of a healthy sex drive in someone so young may well be caused by a medical or psychological problem. Hormones may help with this one.
09-29-2003, 01:55 AM #3LORDBLiTZ Guest
If ur begging for it once a week, i'd dump her and find another.
09-29-2003, 02:00 AM #4
How long has she been on the pill? I've actually been through something similar with my girl. We just went to her gyno told her what the deal was and she informed us that it was common and she changed her birth control. Another thing is try not to bug her about it because it only puts it off more for her. Next time the situation comes up make it about her. Tell her to play along even thopugh it may take some coaxing but asure her it's about her. Blind fold her and get some ice and get your tongue ready. Be ready to explore every part of her body with the ice your tongue and your hands. As you go along pay attention to her and what she reacts to and tell her to tell you on a scale from one to ten how it feels. It will make it fun and let you know what she really likes it will go on for a while and when its done DON"T have sex. As horrible as it sounds the foreplay itslelf will be enough for that moment and comfort her and show her your interested about her and her issues with the problem and not just about you getting laid. Hope I could help Goodluck.
09-29-2003, 04:26 AM #5
damn bro sounds like your married
Definetely goto the gyno doc and see if there is anything you can do.
Although FinaZurp's suggestion would be fun for both of you i think.
Just make her feel important and the centre of your attention, she might be having sex because you want it, so she's just doing it for the sake of it.
09-29-2003, 06:37 AM #6
Sorry to say but dont do the BLIND FOLD THING. She will not go for it. Blind folding is for kinky shit. She is not into that.
It is hormonal and or chemical inbalance.
ALSO: If you two are close and trust each other you might wanna find a way to comfortably ask her if she was ever MOLESTED or RAPED in the past.
If she was molested as a young girl, maybe by a relative or someone she once trusted, she might have issues with sex. It is not an easy subject to discuss and she might not even tell you.
If this is the case and she starts telling you, just listen. Dont tell her "she doesnt have to talk about it if she doesnt want to" Hearing that will make her feel as though you dont want to listen. Just keep her talking about it, hold her, and let her tell you about it. Ask her how she feels about it now, etc.
Ask her if certain things you do brings up bad memories.
Now if that isnt the case then I typed too much info. Try porn movies. Try girl on girl videos Seriously. Some girls have issues with the male body and watching two girls please each other makes her feel more secure and intimate.
My girlfriend for example USUALLY is only able to orgasm during oral. While watching two girls on tv, it turned her on and she was very arroused.
On the other hand, maybe you are pressuring her too much. Asking once a week seems like no big deal, but to a girl it seems as though all you want from her is sex. They only remember the times you ask her. Not all the days you dont ask.
Try kissing and hugging her more. Comb her hair. Touch her face while she lays in bed
Send flowers to her work or school classroom.
Stop asking for sex. Either way you arent getting any. So start from scratch. Maybe just try giving her oral and then when she is done dont EVEN TRY HAVING SEX.
If none of those things works then she just is not into you and doesnt know how to get out of the relationship.
09-29-2003, 06:57 AM #7
not to beat a dead horse, but she needs to see a doctor first and have some hormonal tests done. the gf i'm with had always had a really strong sex drive. over a period of 6 months it completely disappeared. went to the doctor, took a test ad it turned out that her level of progestin (I think, if not then it was the estrogen)was too high. changed the BC pill to a lower dose and viola, problem solved.
09-29-2003, 08:54 AM #8Originally Posted by bermich
agreed..............do NOT do the blind fold thing...........if she isn't even into sex....she will not be into this...........you will freak her out........even scare her....
and also....she may have been raped or molested as a child.............even if she deines it........she may have put it as far back into her memory as she could.......that she may not even fully remember it.....do i suggest going to her friends and family to find out?............well that depends on how long you been with her.........6 months or less?...they will probably not tell you and get supsious............wait a little while
shes obviously not enjoing sex...........if you dont enjoy something....your not going to want it anymore.........i can see where shes coming from.........and most guys your age.....18.....just want to get off and thats it............not saying you, but in general...they have not the slightest clue how to satify a female........
rememeber she is 19 years old...........still young..........so i doubt it could be a serious problem.........
09-29-2003, 09:12 AM #9
Def must be frustrating to have to go through this you obviously invested a lot of time and energy into this girl......If you love her you have to listen to whats shes telling you.............Are you sure you have proper technique?..........maybe she does have other problems which does not concern you........if she does and shes not telling you...then you have to respect her space.......but sex is very important in a relationship.......and eventually if you dont resolve the problem it may be in your best intrest to move on......
09-29-2003, 09:13 AM #10
well now i'd like to ask her to see a doctor, but for someone our age, making an appointment with a doc and stuff is a pretty big deal, and its just going to make her think more that it is all i want. this is ridiculous. sex is so fascinating to me right now, and it isn't at all about just getting off, like i said, i can do it myself. it is just about the mutual pleasure i hoped we could both enjoy and also i hoped we could learn about different stuff together. not a fun situation. why did society have to go and make every girl feel paranoid that guys only want sex?
09-29-2003, 09:19 AM #11
[QUOTE=skinnyhb] but for someone our age, making an appointment with a doc and stuff is a pretty big dealQUOTE]
what do u mean?.............is she scared to make an appointment by herself?............its really not a big deal @ all.....i've been making my own doctor appointments since like 17.....
09-29-2003, 09:37 AM #12
Well, Are you sure she isn't cheating? I mean, Same thing happened to me while I was married. Sex was very hard to come by. It not only meant she wasn't into me anymore, It also meant that she was seeing someone else.
09-29-2003, 10:37 AM #13Originally Posted by bermich
Last edited by FinaZurp; 09-29-2003 at 03:07 PM.
09-29-2003, 12:32 PM #14
again, It sounds like she's lost interest. If you love her, I hope this isn't the case, but if she wasn't raped, then I can guarantee she isn't in to you as you are to her...I hope for the best
09-29-2003, 01:39 PM #15
I would look into the birth control as the primary culprit here. My ex girlfriend was fine with her sex drive until she went on depo-prevera (sp?). That is a really effective form of BC, but it totally killed her sex drive.
09-29-2003, 01:59 PM #16
Bro, all I can say is keep talking to her but choose your words carefully. Give her some room and lay off trying to have sex. Also do talk to her about seeing a doctor. I'm sure she's just as frustrated about this as you are, if you truely care for her than just be supportive and try to seek medical help.
09-29-2003, 02:13 PM #17
It does sound like you're married. Haha. Seriously though, I have heard that the pill can affect the libido. My wife has been on the pill since she was a teenager (to control the growth of ovarian cysts, which are common) and it never did change her desire for sex. However, her sex drive did drop dramatically when she was taking antidepressants. She was never in the mood. That could be a possiblilty.
Another thing to consider is the sudden emergence of this bahavior. You say you used to have sex all the time, but now it is infrequent. I think that something else is bothering her. It could be anything. She could be feeling academic pressure, having family problems, or yes, cheating. I don't think - based on the pattern - that it has to do with abuse. And if she was molested or raped, you should not ask her about it. She will tell you when she is ready. I would just start by talking to her about it (I know you already have), and trying to see if there may be an underlying reason. I would not try to pry into her past though. Observe and try to see if anything in another aspect of her life is really bothering her.
Finally, is she just nuts? Does she have emotional issues? If you are only 19, you are not obligated to be with her forever. No one is perfect, but most of us are able to maintain the illusion of normalcy until we are married. If you had only been dating for 6 months before you started to see problems, you have probably only hit the tip of the iceberg. Trust me, I have seen it again and again with friends and family. If this is the case, if you have merely become her emotional crutch, get out of the relationship. You deserve to have a normal happy relationship, and these are the years of your life when you start searching for that.
You are 19! Its not hard to find a normal girl that likes sex. Go find one.
09-29-2003, 02:28 PM #18
I think the problem may be that you just don't please her. She's not just going to come out and say it, as the shot to your ego is too big. What i would reccommend is lots and lots of foreplay. Make her orgasm two or three times before you guys have sex. That way she really wants it, and then, touch her clit while you guys are doing it. The best positions for this are doggie, her on top facing away from you, and you from behind lying on your sides. That last one is particularly intimate, because you can still kiss her. Use your whole body, not just your cock, and maybe she'll like sex more. If you improve your skills as a lover, she'll naturally want to have sex more often. Another idea is to just please her. Maybe go back to the things you did before you had sex to give her a change.
There is also the possibility that it is hormonal, but i doubt that because there was a time when the sex was frequent and enjoyable for both of you. The newness of the whole thing may have made up for the fact that your style isn't compatible with hers. Whatever you do, don't bug her about it, and don't insult her with phrases like "could you at least move a little"
Lastly, there is a possibility that she's trying to make you break up with her by not wanting sex as frequently. I have had friends whose girlfriends have done this. There may be other problems in the relationship that she has, and sees this as a way for you to get fed up with her.
09-29-2003, 04:53 PM #19
get some on the side.....
09-29-2003, 05:27 PM #20Originally Posted by manijak
Bro, men are simple, we can be sexual aroused by just looking at a woman...women are not built that way. U have to arouse their minds before the body will follow...show her how much u care for her, love her, and steal her heart and the body will follow. U have to have communication with each other. Talk to her about this and let her know how u feel...then she might open up and let u know how she feels...good luck. To me if u can't talk with each other than how can u stay with each other.
09-29-2003, 06:08 PM #21Originally Posted by manijak
09-29-2003, 10:25 PM #22LORDBLiTZ GuestOriginally Posted by manijak
09-30-2003, 01:29 AM #23Originally Posted by LORDBLiTZ
09-30-2003, 01:52 AM #24LORDBLiTZ GuestOriginally Posted by skinnyhb
09-30-2003, 02:00 AM #25
People who say they are gonna marry the first girl they have ever been with do make me laugh. I dont even try to give them advice. Sure it all seems so wonderful being with the highschool romance and getting married but it never works out.
You just have to let them ride it out. Let them go through the same shit you went through.
What I do think though is: Make the most out of it. If you love the girl at a young age, that is cool. It sucks having a FUCKED UP perspective towards relationships and seeing most women as whores and dumb bitches.
You can still be nice to girls and treat them good while still having that same perspective towards them. It just makes finding that 1 out of endless clubs and meeting your friends friends friends routine more irritating.
Oops sorry. HIJACKING. Im done. Hope things work out.
09-30-2003, 07:46 AM #26
bro, im not saying im going to marry her, but im not saying im going to dump her because she doesn't want to have sex. that's ridiculous. of course we aren't going to get married, ive never believed that.
09-30-2003, 08:00 AM #27
if it's already bad, wait until you marry her........
09-30-2003, 12:20 PM #28
Try acting like your the one not interested in sex, for a while
Just rollover when you get into bed
Shell start to think your not attracted to her, and this will setup a CHALLENGE on her part, as well as give her a sense of control over her own sex life. Shell want to turn you on eventually. TRUST ME
ALSO try doing some romantic things with no expectation of anything returned. This says your confident enough to give and you dont need anything back immediantly. A true gift.
Try turning her on then backing off, tease her
Its a gmae bro you gotta play it
09-30-2003, 03:24 PM #29Associate Member
Originally Posted by Umberto
- Join Date
- Aug 2002
This could backfire... I had a girlfriend I tried that on and I went to the extreme and didn't even kiss her anymore.... needless to say I got no action not even a kiss for a whole month. Me and my roomate where having this discussion the other day. There seem to be 2 types of girls. 1 type enjoys sex like we do, they usually are turned on pretty easily and can have orgasms and the amount of sex might go down after you've been with them for a while but it's still fairly steady and a decent amount. The 2nd type just gives you sex because it's expected and because she likes you and wants to be with you. Usually these girls don't have orgasms and just have sex because it's expected and everyone else does. I know this is stereotyping and i'm not saying every girl is like that but there seems to be quite a few that fit one or the other.... sounds like you got a type 2 on your hands.... good luck.
09-30-2003, 04:54 PM #30
Gotta get it on the side man... I'm 19, care about my girlfriend, and still get it on the side all the time. Maybe this way when I decide to get married that shit will still b tight!!!
09-30-2003, 09:06 PM #31
A loss of sex drive can result from numerous things, phsyical and/or psychological. the physical part is easy, most likely an imbalance in her hormones or body chemistry... a blood test and full physical by a physician will determine whether everything is ok from a physical perspective. Changing birth control pills or going off the pill period will lower estrogen levels and allow for higher sex drive. If everything is ok physically then you have to work on the psychological part of the equation..... which is no walk in the park. it could be anything from abuse to her simply not being interested in you anymore. The best way to figure things out is to talk to her one on one. Good luck.
10-01-2003, 06:58 PM #32Originally Posted by skinnyhb
This is the way I see it: You are 18, therefore you have about 2 %-4% chanse of spending more than 5 years with her anyway.
Then from the level of your concern it looks like you already tried to ask her what's the problem and all you got it was "it's not you baby , it's all me " and if there's one phucking thing woman don't mean when they say it, it's this one.
That brings us to the possibility she is lying to you, and if she gets outraged from your requests to consult a third person, wether a doc or counceler (sp?) it's because it might bring the truth of the matter.
That, if in a hypotetical case was her infidelity, would show the very same simptoms you are talking about , and with more concern and good-will you approach the harder it's going to be for her to tell you the truth, in case this was it.
Other possibility would be the pill, which does do all kinds of imbalances in women, so definitely check that out.
But that doesn't work and still no sex I second lord blitz. You are 18 dude and there's going to be plenty of time for you to bust your head against the wall for the woman you love, and if you don't believe me just ask all married man you know and see what's the % of "perfect" relationships.
The mistake most people make is trying to find the ideal mate in their partner when they should be looking for a partner that's their ideal mate.
In other hand, this could just be stupid shit that comes out pot-heads
mind and don't make any sense at all............
10-03-2003, 07:30 AM #33
"Get some on the side" ? WTF is wrong with you man he really cares for her!!! Read this, i made this about a month ago. The moral isnt to get into a girls pants, its mainly for girls to read but send me a PM and lemme know what you bro's think. http://www.loganreed.blogspot.com
10-04-2003, 01:47 AM #34
IMO. Its easier to fuck around and get laid anytime. It is fucking hard to find a girl that you actually care about even if it is for a temporary time.
Not to say Im a whore, but I have been with a certain amount of girls and Id say 1 out of 100 girls I meet, I have actually even been interested in.
Sure they are hot and you wanna fuck the shit out of em and keep em coming back, but being interested in them as far as talking to them on the phone for more than 5 minutes, or taking them out DURING THE DAY TIME JUST WALKING AROUND is a whole other situation.
I say he tries to resolve the issue with her and if it doesnt work out, then move on. He has plenty of time later to fuck all the dumb bitches in this world.
IMO. If she keeps going over, or allows him to keep going over and enjoys his company without sex, then she is not lying to him or cheating on him.
Girls get like that for no longer than a month before they come to the conclusion, or get the balls, to break up with the guy. If it has been longer than a month then.....
If not, ........
10-04-2003, 03:05 AM #35
stick your finger in her butt. always works for me when trying to rekindle the fire...
seriously though, i'm drunk and can't offer any better advice, but the other bros here seem to be on the right track (i used to want to be a relational psycologist).
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