Serious relationship problems......

**Crankin'steiN** · 12-30-2003, 11:06 AM

I don't know that many of you here..... so you may wonder why I would share this info, and ask for your advice..... But I have been looking around and you seem like a great group of people to ask for advice..... and there is many different opinions here too so....... Here it goes.....

I have been in a serious relationship for 5 and a half years...... She is the first and only girl I have had sex with, but I have also been with her since I was 16 (I'm 22 now). Anyway.... we are engaged.... and are supposed to get married in June. But I am having some problems...... I feel kind of trapped, and I have started to develop feelings for another girl...... It is very confusing to me.... in the whole time I have been with my gf, I have felt a bit of feelings for another girl only once, and the way I delt with it, was to cut myself off from contact with the other girl....then the feelings for her dissappeared...... The things that are going through my mind are things like: I have never been single, I don't know what I am missing... I don't know what else is out there..... But then when I think maybe I should be single for a while.... I think things like: What if I lose my gf...... or... I have what everyone looks for their whole life and I am going to throw it away for curiousity..... For the record, there is nothing really wrong with my relationship..... some things could be a little better but overall it is great. She loves me to death and would never cheat or lie to me....

I can't get the other girl out of my head, and I can't decide what to do..... I talked to my fiance about it.... and she says it is fine if I don't want to get married yet.... she just wants to be with me.....

Sorry for the novel..... Any responses are appreciated....... I need all the input I can get!!!

**sp9** · 12-30-2003, 11:15 AM

Do you live with her? 22 is young. My sister was married at 20 and divorced at 21. I think that you should stay committed to your girlfriend if she is showing you the same commitment. Being single has some good points but finding someone you care about and feels the same way about you is a hard thing to do. I think you should not take it for granted. There are many people out there hopping from one girl to the next that wish they were in a commited relationship.

I would postpone the wedding since it is that far off. Sit down with her and set some goals for your relationship and say you will set a date after you reach those goals. An example would be to work on each others education, save money to buy a home, pay off some debt. It doesn't have to be financial, it could be something you just want to do before you get married (not the other girl).

**Gearhead007** · 12-30-2003, 11:17 AM

Originally Posted by Crankin'steiN

For the record, there is nothing really wrong with my relationship..... some things could be a little better but overall it is great. She loves me to death and would never cheat or lie to me....

I can't get the other girl out of my head, and I can't decide what to do..... I talked to my fiance about it.... and she says it is fine if I don't want to get married yet.... she just wants to be with me.....

The same thing happened to me once, when I was young. I was in EXACTLY the same situation. I took "the grass is always greener" option and went with the other girl. It did not work out. When it did not, my ex would not have anything to do with me again. Rightfully so. She was devastated.

Don't give up a "good" sure thing, on a chance. Stupid. Had I stayed with my girl, we would probably still be together.

To this date, this was the biggest screw up of my entire life. Not a day goes by that I don't think "What if I was not such a dumb-arse?" I had it all, and gave it up.

It's called temptation... Don't give in.

**TheMudMan** · 12-30-2003, 11:36 AM

I kind of was in the same boat your in............. I met my x-wife when I was 19...... I had other gf's before her but nothing too serious screwing around and stuff........ The 2 of us got very serious quick and ended up just seeing eachother.... 6 years later I was married and then 4 years after that divorced......

I look back now and wish I never married her..... I wasted all that time and knew I didn't want to marry her in the first place but was preasured into it by her.

22 is young and you should be having fun meeting all types of women... After we split up I started meeting lots of women, had some relationships, one nighters...... but when I look back it was fun and help me realize what type of women I want to spend the rest of my life with.

If I were you and your having feelings that you want to stray then I say get out now, enjoy life, and find out who you are and who you want to spend your life with. JMO

**Crankin'steiN** · 12-30-2003, 11:46 AM

Wow. Thank you for replying! This is exactly what I was looking for..... different experiences and different opinions.

Keep em comin!

**mass junkie** · 12-30-2003, 11:51 AM

Seems to me like you have a great girl already... But if you've got feelings for another girl....I wouldn't bother getting married to your fiance until you fix the reason for you looking for other women in the 1st place. Trust me bro its just gonna lead to other problems down the road

**Danielle** · 12-30-2003, 12:13 PM

there is wayyyyyyyy too much in life to experience to never be single and stay with the same person for your whole life..........you need to explore your options.......i love meeting new people, you learn so much from meeting all different types of people from all walks of life..........im not saying totally break up....maybe take a little time to yourselves to see what you really want...........

..dont get married if you have even the slightest doubts..........i always say the guy i marry one day......i wont have one doubt in my mind that is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with or i wouldnt do it

**cb25** · 12-30-2003, 12:16 PM

True...i agree with MJ...

I was in a very similar situation last year. I was 22 and engaged - same thing, first girl I had slept with, we'd been together a few years (not as long as you tho)...as it turns out, we didn't do anything about it and it ended up causing the end of our relationship. We're still talking, and we may give it another shot, but honestly I think I needed the time off. I've dated a couple other girls, one seriously, but I've grown up a lot. Sometimes you need that break to realize what you had...but on the same note, if you take that break, you risk hurting her and never getting her back again...and if you do get her back, your relationship may never be the same.

It's a tough call...i don't envy you for having to make it. The ball is totally in your court, and since none of us can make the decision for you - you have to really think about how you feel and what's most important to you. good luck bro

**Crankin'steiN** · 12-30-2003, 12:29 PM

A lot of you are really touching on some of the feelings I have..... Like thinking maybe I am taking her for granted.... And if I make this decison now.... I may lose her forever and it could be the biggest mistake of my life.....

I think there is only one thing I know for sure... and that is that we won't be getting married in June....

**mass junkie** · 12-30-2003, 12:51 PM

Originally Posted by Danielle

i always say the guy i marry one day......i wont have one doubt in my mind that is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with or i wouldnt do it

Awwww and we havent even met yet.......I feel the same way about you too sweetie....

**BOUNCER** · 12-30-2003, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by Gearhead007

The same thing happened to me once, when I was young. I was in EXACTLY the same situation. I took "the grass is always greener" option and went with the other girl. It did not work out. When it did not, my ex would not have anything to do with me again. Rightfully so. She was devastated.

Don't give up a "good" sure thing, on a chance. Stupid. Had I stayed with my girl, we would probably still be together.

To this date, this was the biggest screw up of my entire life. Not a day goes by that I don't think "What if I was not such a dumb-arse?" I had it all, and gave it up.

It's called temptation... Don't give in.

Now there's a reply to listen to. Of all the posts I've read here on AR.com that's the one that comes straight from the heart. Very moving Gearhead.

**DADDYDBOL** · 12-30-2003, 01:32 PM

I am 27 and was engaged at 21 - I was lucky enough to act on my feelings for another girl and lost my hs sweetheart. The point is we would be divorced now and more than likely i would have a kid so if you do feel like you need to explore then do it. If you settle down now and marry you may end up happy but deep down ther will be feelings of resentment towards her for "pulling" you into the marrige. On the other hand you are a guy and we will always have "crushes" on girls that aren't ours. That feeling will probaly always be there so I guess only you can answer your question. Do you want to be with this girl the rest of your life? If your gf and you are meant to be together then you will be but don't take that as an excuse to cheat. It can go both ways and I think you found a question that we would all like to know the answer to - is the grass greener on the other side?

***50%Natural*** · 12-30-2003, 01:39 PM

On one hand, you do have gearhead's post that you can and am sure you can relate to. On the other hand you have MJ and danielle's. It really is tough to make a call on this one. You do have a great girl but you haven't been with any one else so you don't know what you are missing. But, you already know what you have. Honestly, if I were you, and I know it probably couldn't work out this way, but I would take some time off and explore. Then if you know you want to be with her get back with her. However, we all know, like gearhead said, this probably woudn't work out for you. I guess it just depends on how strongly you feel about being free and how committed you are to her. Bottomline, you got something good, she treats you right, she doesn't mind you site injecting into your chest, so stay with her. MHO.

**markas214** · 12-30-2003, 02:37 PM

Where do you want to be in 10 years? It sounds like you found what some people search a lifetime for.

**Crankin'steiN** · 12-30-2003, 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by markas214

Where do you want to be in 10 years? It sounds like you found what some people search a lifetime for.

yeah well this is another thing I think of..... Maybe I already have what everyone searches for during those single times.... and maybe I am just taking it for granted....

**markas214** · 12-30-2003, 03:05 PM

Originally Posted by Crankin'steiN

yeah well this is another thing I think of..... Maybe I already have what everyone searches for during those single times.... and maybe I am just taking it for granted....

If you do have, you may never find it again. We all get old and 20 years from now you'll be my age. It comes faster than you think. I just ran into a guy from HS who married his HS sweetheart. He has 3 kids and said he couldn't be happier. Perhaps you just don't feel that infatuating love you had a few years ago? This happens in every relationship. You reach a level of mutual comfort and friendship/companionship is more the norm than sexual desire. Since you began your relationship early in life you question what you may be missing> Take it from a guy who spent his twenties keeping score on how many chicks I could bang, you aren't missing much. Sex without emotional invovement isn's as great as sex with the person you love. If your sex life is getting mundain try adding some toys, crotchless panties, etc.

**ItalianMuscle** · 12-30-2003, 03:37 PM

Bro.. I think you have a great girl already it seems.. Even know she is your first and all seems great. That what if's and wondering if your single is normal but finding that one lperson is a great and lucky thang to have. Why waist it to see what it is like to be single. Don't take it for granted. How you think she felt when you told her this probably hurt like hell...
Bro it is normal to wonder everyone does it.. I been amrried for 5 months I do it at times but I would never trade in my girl for nothing not to be single, money or another girl..
Bro all I can say is don't take it for granted some people Never get married. What you have is special..
Hope everything works out..

**chicamahomico** · 12-30-2003, 06:03 PM

You have what every guy wants dude, a sweet girl who cares about you. I say keep her and count your blessings.

**ItalianMuscle** · 12-30-2003, 06:34 PM

That is what I'm saying keep her. If he had read my last post. About three up from chicamahomico.

**monster.** · 12-30-2003, 06:48 PM

Originally Posted by Crankin'steiN

For the record, there is nothing really wrong with my relationship..... some things could be a little better but overall it is great. She loves me to death and would never cheat or lie to me...

Things will always get better with time... If you feel like this right here is true, and she is loyal to you then there isn't a better reason to stay with a girl... There are so many shady bitches it's discouraging.... My friend you found a keeper, Maybe you guys aren't ready to get married just yet, but this girl sounds like a good girl... I would hold onto this one...

**Devourer** · 12-30-2003, 09:23 PM

i'd give you advice but im a woman hater

**chelle** · 12-30-2003, 10:28 PM

I married when I was 20 and at 34 I see it was a big mistake getting married so young. I am not the same person now that I was at 20.
Many years have passed and I've changed, my opinions, my thoughts, needs and wants....all have changed. If I could go back knowing what I know now, I'd waited until I was at least 30 before getting married.
Now, I'm not happy at all

**Tock** · 12-30-2003, 11:03 PM

There's a great song from the 60's with some good advice-- You Better Shop Around.
And at 22, or any age for that matter, if you have any doubt whatsoever, it's probably a big mistake to tie the knot. Keep in mind that no matter who you marry, she's eventually going to look like her mother.

You might consider spending a session with a marriage counselor, just by yourself, to get some really good advice on this decision. But for some timeless advice at no cost, I'll offer this tid-bit my landlady offered: "Marry in haste, repent at leisure."

Anyway, here's the lyrics . . . it's a pretty good tune, might be on the net somewhere as a .mp3, it's worth a listen.

(my momma told me) You Better Shop Around

Just because you've become a young man now,
There's still some things that you don't understand now
Before you ask some girl for her hand now
Keep your freedom for as long as you can now."
My momma told me, "You better shop around,
You better shop around."

"There some things that I want you to know now
Just as sure as the wind's gonna blow now
The women come and the women gonna go now
Before you tell one that you love them so now,"
My momma told me, "You better shop around,
you better shop around."

"Try to get yourself a bargain son
Don't be sold on the very first one
Pretty girls come a dime a dozen
Try to find one who's gonna give you true lovin
Before you take a girl and say 'I do' now
Make sure she's in love with you now."
My momma told me, "You better shop around,
you better shop around."

"Try to get yourself a bargain son
Don't be sold on the very first one
Pretty girls come a dime a dozen
Try to find you one who's gonna give you true lovin

Before you take a girl and say I do now
Make sure she's in love with you now.
Make sure that her love is true now
I hate to see you feeling sad and blue now."
My momma told me, "You better shop around,
you better shop around."

**Crankin'steiN** · 12-31-2003, 07:33 AM

Thanks to everyone for all the great replys!!!

I think a lot of you have just reaffirmed something that I already know deep down.....

Anyway, I am spending three days in Montrel with her, starting today..... So I am hoping that this will allow me to feel whether "IT" is really there or not....

To Tock: Did you read all of my post, and read the words to the song you offered me??? No offense my friend, but the song says not to just marry a girl because she is pretty, but marry her because she truly loves you....... I already stated above, that my girl loves me more then life...... and it is me, my curiousity, and temptation that are the real problem right now.

**ItalianMuscle** · 12-31-2003, 02:11 PM

Good luck bro.. I hope you make the right decision ..

**MtGirl** · 12-31-2003, 03:12 PM

Good thinking.... you never really know what you have until you loose it, then it's too late. But waiting on marriage is probably the best thing for now.

**Tock** · 01-01-2004, 12:25 AM

Originally Posted by Crankin'steiN

Thanks to everyone for all the great replys!!!

I think a lot of you have just reaffirmed something that I already know deep down.....

Anyway, I am spending three days in Montrel with her, starting today..... So I am hoping that this will allow me to feel whether "IT" is really there or not....

To Tock: Did you read all of my post, and read the words to the song you offered me??? No offense my friend, but the song says not to just marry a girl because she is pretty, but marry her because she truly loves you....... I already stated above, that my girl loves me more then life...... and it is me, my curiousity, and temptation that are the real problem right now.

==========

Yah, the song does focus on the girl's love, but it was the stuff you mentioned about

"But I am having some problems...... I feel kind of trapped, and I have started to develop feelings for another girl...... It is very confusing to me.... in the whole time I have been with my gf, I have felt a bit of feelings for another "

that made me think that maybe you should consider seeing other girls before you make a final committment to the one you have now. Hence, "You better shop around."

Whether you do or don't, I still think it'd be a good idea to have a chat with a marriage counselor before tying the knot. Sure would be helpful after getting married to have had the advice and experience of a professional in dealing with this stuff. After you resolve this situation, it'll probably come up again; it's one of those common situations that afflicts married men, and ya, as I mentioned, it can't but help to know how to deal with it . . .

**Hardcore_pb** · 01-01-2004, 11:38 AM

Hey bro !
I have read the post from the beginning and what i react on is that a lots of people have the advice take a break from here... ok, maybe it´s a god desition, but think about this break can be a time for her to find someone else and when you want her back she´s gone =/

My advice is like many others to stay with her now, and see what´s happening. But if your tempatinon for the other girl not disapear maybe you have to think again.

/Hardcore ps: I am very bad in english you have to excuse me... but I´m trying to learn =)

**Lord Humungous** · 01-01-2004, 12:24 PM

Well, you're in a pickle bro. But not a rare one.

My wife and I met when I was 6 and she was 4. Her sister was my girlfriend in 1st grade. Many years later, in our teens, we hooked up again and moved in together. Both of us were typical teens, selfish to an extent, immature but feeling VERY mature....and things exploded.

I moved out of state and went to college for a couple of years, at which time she got married. When I came back home, I was changed and much more mature....and so was she. But she was married.....

Well, I am one lucky dog. Because she always loved me, the REAL kind of love that only comes once in a lifetime, about a month later she divorced her husband and we have been together for going on 10 years now.

And of course, we've had some challenges that would crush some of the strongest people in the world. I won't go into detail because you'd wonder why I didn't drag a razor across my wrists. (LOL). But through it all, we stuck together and worked....WORKED on it.

Now we're both happier than we've ever been, even though our lives are really challenging. (I have lupus, my son is 4 and still on life support, just an example).

Now to cut to the chase. You know right now, already if she's "the one". And she knows the same thing. The trick is being able to recognize that fact, and then resist the temptation of other women. That's a hard thing to do, because there are some really awesome women out there that don't give a **** if you're with someone. But let me tell you straight up bro, that's a hell of dead end trip.

If she's the one, stick with her and drive through. WORK on everything. It takes years.

If she's not the one, make that fatal swoop and end it....the seconds of your life tick away and this life is too precious. "The one" is out there, I garauntee it. Is it the one you're already with or not? You HAVE to make that decision one day, and the sooner the better. If you're not sure about marriage, don't do it. Marriage doesn't make anything better if you're having any kind of problems. But you have to find the balance between work and worth it.

That probably confused you, but it's the truth bro. All the best to you both.

-LH

**decadbal** · 01-02-2004, 11:42 AM

this is my psy 2cents, it sounds like you wanna leave her, and your lookin for somone on here or somewhere to give u a good enough reason, if your mind is out of that relationship; the rest of you should be as well, bc your cheating her, it isnt fair for her to lay out all her cards and you keep some of your out of sight. you should do what is best for you, not her, be selfish in life bro, if u think you will be happier with another, then go, if not, then dont, just dont jump ship without knowing its gonna sink.

**Crankin'steiN** · 01-04-2004, 03:51 PM

For anyone who is curious..... Here is whats happening with this....

I spent 3 days in Montreal with my gf. And I did some thinking as well.

I really believe that leaving her would be the biggest mistake of my life. I am and always have been in love with her. I have what everyone looks for, and I am taking it for granted...... I need to smarten up, and resist temptation.... and that is my outlook right now!!

I am staying with her. and have not decided on the marriage thing.

**chicamahomico** · 01-04-2004, 04:14 PM

Wise choice IMO.

**Tock** · 01-04-2004, 04:45 PM

Originally Posted by Crankin'steiN

For anyone who is curious..... Here is whats happening with this....

I spent 3 days in Montreal with my gf. And I did some thinking as well.

I really believe that leaving her would be the biggest mistake of my life. I am and always have been in love with her. I have what everyone looks for, and I am taking it for granted...... I need to smarten up, and resist temptation.... and that is my outlook right now!!

I am staying with her. and have not decided on the marriage thing.

============

Well . . . if you're that determined to stay with her, maybe this is the right one for you. There will be times when you need to vent about stuff, and this is as good a place as any to do that. And there may be times when you'll need the advice of an expert, and though they ususally charge for that, I hope you won't be shortsighted and try to do without.
Ya, I think you're doing the right thing, and are on the right track. You'll do just fine . . .
--Tock