I Needz Confidence!

[Terinox]

I'm more than sure I posted about this before, but basically, my confidence in general just sucks.

It has greatly improved over the past few years, I talk to people more comfortable and don't get so nervous as I used to. I'm still a **** shy person.

Any way to work on this? Is there some medication that people take to boost their confidence? I'll be starting a cycle soon, and I usually feel more confident when i'm ON, but still, in general, I would much rather it be higher.

Anyone here used to be very shy and got over it? Did it just take time? Did you do something specific about it?

Thnx,
T.

[spywizard]

How old are you........... then i will help you out a little........

I'm more than sure I posted about this before, but basically, my confidence in general just sucks.

It has greatly improved over the past few years, I talk to people more comfortable and don't get so nervous as I used to. I'm still a **** shy person.

Any way to work on this? Is there some medication that people take to boost their confidence? I'll be starting a cycle soon, and I usually feel more confident when i'm ON, but still, in general, I would much rather it be higher.

Anyone here used to be very shy and got over it? Did it just take time? Did you do something specific about it?

Thnx,
T.

[BigJim39]

everytime you notice yourself doing or saying something shy....combat it with doing and saying something that is not shy, no matter how small it may be

[Terinox]

How old are you........... then i will help you out a little........

I'm 21, living with parents, go to school, no girlfriend, no job (except in summer). I have like ZERO female friends. Only thing that comes close is my friends girlfriend.

I couldn't talk **** with girls before, but at least now, if I'm asked a question or something general/small I have no problem talking with them. But usually it's the "go getter" type that I'm just not. I never approach people (guys o girls) except in the gym sometimes (not girls, lol).

Man i dunno.

[Neo]

Confidence comes with age and experience too, bro. Try not to stress so much about it. I'm only a couple years older than you and I've just become more and more confident over the past few years. 21 is a tough age because you're still in school and aren't totally established yet and you're anxious to do so. Just enjoy being in school, go out with your friends, and talk to anyone and everyone. As far as ladies are concerned, talk to them...some will shut you down, some won't. It happens to every guy. You never know unless you try. Like I've said, just have fun! You don't want to turn to any form of drug for an ego boost.....

[USfighterFC]

In all honesty I'm extremely shy. I associate with other people and dont have a problem talking to people but when it comes with doing stuff in front of other people I dont know that crap scares me. Everytime I compete I have to do it in front of hundreds and many times thousands. I am more terrified of the crowd than my opponent. Sometimes it's like a wall that stands in between you and your wanting to talk to someone but you gotta push through it and give it a shot. Sometimes with the opposite sex it's hard for me to be myself and I'm at a loss for words. I have no idea why this happens but i have girl friends and have no problem talking to them for hours on end. Such a weird f*ck I am. But to not hijack your thread i say if you have your eye on some girl then go for it man you got one life to live. Just be more open and dont think everyone is judging you because you'll end up living life by their standards and you'll be missing out on your life. Just dont stress it and enjoy yourself and remember you can only live once.

[magicstick2003]

yeah i know what you're saying... im usually pretty shy around chicks and people i dont knwo also.. no real reason for it i just don;t usually have much to say to strangers lol... if im around someone for awhile ill become pretty comfortable and then watch out lol i always have something to say... I have been trying a little harder to be comfortable around strangers though, i guess you just have to think who gives a flying fizuck whats they think about you. say what you want, if they can;t accept it then o well..at least thats how i've been looking at it since all my buddies are back at school now.

[Lostsoul]

i have the exact same problem, when i was in school i couldnt talk to anyone, but that was also because i had a bad stutter back then aswell (still have it but not much), but now that i'm 27 its a lot better, but i'm not the type of person who can strike up a conversation with strangers easily, i'm shy and that will never change.. i dont think i want it to either, but much like USfighterFC when i get to know someone a bit i'll be talking a lot.

[Terinox]

Thanks for the replies guys, really appreciate it.


I guess your all right. First off, I just gotta relax, and not stress out about it too much. And I guess the most important thing is to say to yourself screw what others think. I guess that's the toughest. USFighter, I know what you mean with the crowd thing, that can be really hard. Similar to being in a classroom full of people.

I guess I'll take it easy, and one step at a time, and see what happens. Not sure about the whole girl thing, maybe it'll just come to me

Thnx.

[Tock]

I'm more than sure I posted about this before, but basically, my confidence in general just sucks.

It has greatly improved over the past few years, I talk to people more comfortable and don't get so nervous as I used to. I'm still a **** shy person.

Any way to work on this? Is there some medication that people take to boost their confidence? I'll be starting a cycle soon, and I usually feel more confident when i'm ON, but still, in general, I would much rather it be higher.

Anyone here used to be very shy and got over it? Did it just take time? Did you do something specific about it?

Thnx,
T.

Living in a family where you get lots of criticism instead of pats on the back will sap your confidence for sure. Or if you don't have much expertise or practice doing something, ya, that'll lower your confidence.

I can suggest a couple of approaches to this . . .
1) William James recommended to his patients that when they felt this way, just "act as if," meaning, act as if you didn't feel unqualified or anxious or whatever. If you needed more confidence for, say, public speaking, just get in front of a bunch of people and act as if you were a professional public speaker. After a few sucesses, your anxiety would subside, and your problem would be solved.
Same thing applies to women . . . the only way they can tell if you're not confident is if you act that way, so . . . if you want to chat up some lusty wench, take a few deep breaths (tends to relax ya), walk up to her, and give her a good opening line, like "Wassup, bitch?" or something you think appropriate for the occasion. Actually, twenty two years of working with women in a multinational corporation taught me how to charm all sorts of secretaries so they'd take care of my stuff before anyone else's . . . and I'll tell ya what generally works real well . . .
First . . . you smile real big. This is very important. As soon as a wench sees your smile, it tells her what kind of mood you're in, and even if she's in a bad mood, you're being in a good mood, and relaxed, tells her you aren't going to add to her problems, and may, in fact, make her feel better. So, just having a smile on your mug gets you a brownie point.
Second . . . FLATTERY. Lay it on thick. The thicker it is, the more unrealistic it is, the better. It is impossible to flatter a woman too much. The key is to have a sincere smile while you do it, and not to laugh.
Here are a few phrases that never fail to impress
"Barbra! Fancy meeting you in a place like this!" (you say this, with a tone of surprise, to someone you see every so often, and the lady will definately remember you)
"Aha . . . I thought I heard the flutter of an angel's wings, and here your are!"
"Why, if you got any more beautiful, I'm sure you'd burst into a great big ball of fire!"
"Now that you're here, we can turn out the lights because your smile really brightens the place up."
"For you, Barbra, I would climb the tallest mountain, swim the deepest ocean, cross the hottest desert, just to see a glimpse of your golden smile that makes the sun rise every morning."
(something to say when you're around a bunch of flowers) "Yes, they're nice, but not nearly as beautiful as you are."
Oh yah, lay a few of these on your target, and she'll be putty in your hands. There's been times I had to tell women that I meant what I said figuratively (cause I'm gay), so yah, if it works for me, it'll work for you.
Oh yah, you can tell it's working if she smiles . . . and that's a sign for you to lay another one on her. Oh yah . . .


Ok, back to confidence again . . .
2) Another way to develop confidence is to practice what you're wanting to do. Say you wanted more confidence in public speaking. You could use a video camera to tape yourself reading a speech, play it back, and figure out what you need to do to improve your performance. Then do short extemporaneous talks, tape 'em, play 'em back, analyze, and try again. After a while you'll be a whiz at it, and when you have occasion to address a crowd, you'll do real well and get a standing ovation (assuming you didn't just tell them their taxes were going up).
Same principle applies to just about anything . . . want more confidence before you start tattooing biker trash? Practice on whatever it is beginner tattoo artists practice on until you get hellaciously good. Then transferring your talents from the practice gizmos to human flesh should be a breeze.
Yah, I used this technique when I started a piano tuning biz on the side. I bought a few old junkers, learned how to fix just about anything that besets pianos, then took out an ad in the paper, and working on other people's pianos was a breeze.


Now . . . if it's a question of "confidence in general," where you have the misfortune to consider yourself generally inferior to other people, you have a tougher problem to deal with. If this is the case, you've most likely spent too much time with people who have been telling you (directly and indirectly) that you ain't worth a ****. First thing you need to do is get away from these people, even if they're family, and associate with people who will recognize your better points, and give you fair and accurate feedback on your better points.
Second, it will help if you get a hold of some self-help books, like "I'm Ok, You're Ok," or something on Transactional Analysis. Stuff like this generally aims to educate you on the ways other people try to control you by withholding approval and and other techniques for reclaiming control over your own emotions. Become an indiscriminate reader of this stuff, and you'll improve.
Third, starting right here and right now, resolve not to swallow any more negative criticism other people lay on you. It's pretty common for people who don't feel good about themselves to try to feel better by making other people miserable. This is their way of dealing with their problem, resolve not to be a part of their problem, and resolve not to let their toxic personality poison your self image. Avoid 'em as much as possible, and hang out with people, as I've said, with people who will recognize your better points and offer constructive help with the rest.

Ok, I'm gonna stop here, I'm not going to write a book on confidence building . . . but holler if you have any specific questions you think I might shed light on . . .

Take care,
--Tock

[spywizard]

I was alot like you.... in high school.. No one that knows me know can believe it..

I have to be the center of a party... tell all the jokes.. can talk with anyone on any subject..

And i have 3 friends........

the rest are just people..

I met a man who changed my life when i was 19... he was everything i was not..

I was going to rent a house... he said to me "Why rent when you can buy"...

and we were at burger king one time, he said to this girl "Do you take orders to go"? she laughed at him and said "Yes" he said.. "well get your coat and lets go."

My point in all of this is if you can "be the clown" or do something that is completely off the wall.. and be successful at it........... you will find your confidence..

Something i taught my kids.. (age 20 and 22) Do not empower others to say weather you are good or not.. if you are worthy.. .only you know if you did your best, and only you can control that......

by the way.. the 20 year old is a closer for a title company.. $45,000 yr.....

22 yr old is a Radiologist at one of the local hospitals............ $42,000 to start..

hear that???? Do not empower others... you do not get your "rightness" from others.. because what you will get from them is fear, and an attempt to beat you down... because.. "what makes you better than them.."??

You shouldn't act better than they are... but you must know that you are....

When you walk into the room are you the "alpha" or are you there to be part of the pack???

I hope this helps...

I'm 21, living with parents, go to school, no girlfriend, no job (except in summer). I have like ZERO female friends. Only thing that comes close is my friends girlfriend.

I couldn't talk **** with girls before, but at least now, if I'm asked a question or something general/small I have no problem talking with them. But usually it's the "go getter" type that I'm just not. I never approach people (guys o girls) except in the gym sometimes (not girls, lol).

Man i dunno.

[Terinox]

Tock, spywizard, excellent posts, thanks a bunch. I need to sit and read those over and over until they are screwed TIGHTLY into my brain!!

[Terinox]

Hey what you guys think about that Tony Robbins guy and all his self-help things? Is it worth a try, or do most people think he's full of it?

[Lord Humungous]

He's full of it. You pay him to tell you what you should already know. I dunno, maybe it works for some really desperate people, but I just can't see it myself.

I'm actually fairly shy, and very VERY quiet. Rumors that get back to me usually are like "that big quiet guy scares the **** out of me". Hmm...ok I can live with that.

Friends to me are very rare and very special. It's hard to live up to my expectations of a friend, because loyalty must be absolute and respect must never be in question. So I have very few, and I like it that way. Only my wife understands me, and even then not totally. And she's known me for 30 years.

Shyness is actually pretty easy to get over once you stop giving a **** what other people think of you and the way you live. Live for you and the people you care about, and let the rest rot...they really aren't worth the trouble anyway (a small look into the way I view most people nowadays). Confidence comes with experience and doing. If you stop thinking about it and just live, you'll find you got through it by yourself and you didn't have to pay somebody like Tony there a zillion bucks to tell you you're fine.

-LH

[chevy44]

im kinda on the same boat..... i am very loud and outgoing around friends (girls or guys) but when a girl comes around that i like, i dont say a fu&**** word. my palms get sweaty and my confidence hits the floor, and thats weird because anyone who knows me knows taht i think im pretty sexy(just alil vain) i mean the first time i just started talking to a random girl ( to pick up on her) was when i was 18!!! its those fuc**** girls, they do something to me

[Testify]

Wow, there are some loooong posts in there - I'll admit I did not read through all of them. I too was extremely shy and had low self-confidence in social situations while growing up. This was mostly because I had worse acne than most kids, but the result was the same.

But when I was in 10th grade I switched schools, and I noticed something when I found myself in that new environment. Confidence is all mental (obviously). Ever see a goofy looking guy with a beautiful girl? Its all in how you present yourself . . . personality is part of it, and as long as you are a nice and interesting guy people will probably like you.

It also has a lot to do with the appearance of confidence. If you act confidently, others will see you as confident and automatically have a certain level of respect for you. Relax (I saw this was mentioned) - don't stress about little things if this is one of your problems. Open up and be available to conversation, even if its just a comment or two at first. And you will also have to adjust to initiating conversations. This can be a tough one, but remember that if you appear to be self assured, people will see it.

Just my 2 cents . . . Good luck Terinox!

[Terinox]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for your additional info! Means a bunch!!

[Tock]

Actually, one of the best things you can do to boost self confidence is to hang around with other people who will encourage you to excel, and who will spare no effort to pat you on your back when you do good. This is something parents are supposed to do, and the most of 'em don't. What's really tragic, is when parents criticize ya whether you do good or bad. Be better off without parents at all than to have to endure that sort of abuse.
Another good thing you can do is join Toastmasters. Learn the ins and outs of public speaking. Folks there will assume you don't know squat about the art, will give you lots of information, help, and encouragement and they're all interested in watching you suceed. When you learn how to talk, you gain lots of confidence, can handle yourself in just about any social situation, get invited to lots of functions, maybe even asked to emcee local events (and get paid for it!). http://www.toastmasters.org/
Another good confidence builder is the military. Yah, they'll give ya hell in basic training, but when you're through, you'll know you've done something you can be proud of. Oh ya, been there, done that.

That stuff they peddle on TV is just snake oil. Won't get ya anything but a bunch of bs. Confidence comes from getting positive feedback from actually doing something. Avoiding "psychic vampires," the sort of people that make you feel tired when you're around 'em, helps a lot, too.

Hope this helps . . .
For sure, check out the Toastmasters website. It's pretty cool. No matter where you are, there's probably several groups near you.
--Tock

[Animal Cracker]

Just reinvent yourself.

[goodtobeapimp]

I'm the same age as you,and in a similar situation. I think the main purpose i ever started working out was for some grasp of confidence. It used to take me a few shots of whiskey to loosen me up,now I'm very outspoken. As many people mentioned above it comes with experience and age. I think being shy is what comes of being too concerned about things. Your appearance,attitude,friends,anything that you think might make you feel less then anyone else. When i see a lot of people that are yelling and showing off a lot of times when i was younger i would just confront them and they would just shut up til i was gone..I had no problem confronting guys just girls. When i see someone making a total jackass of themselves it irrates me.It's like a huge pet peeve of mine. I'm just a normal laid back kind of person,but when i see someone up yelling and doing anything he can to get people attention it angers me. I never want to be the guy that people look at and im caught in the position of begging for attention. Therefore, I think I'm shy because i dont wanna be like everyone i hate...

[bermich]

I never really agree with "it doesnt matter what people think" philosophy. I mean a lot of people say they dont care what people think of them, but in actuality, they do. The way you can determine if you care what other people think of you is: Pretned you are on an island or the last person on earth. Act that way, dress that way. Because if you dont care what others think then that is exactly how one would act.

If you perceive yourself one way and 30 of your friends perceive you another way, which way do you think holds more weight. The reason most people are let down is because they just find out that someone thinks of them differently than they thought.

Say you think you are nice and polite and you think the girl you like thinks the same way about you. Suddenly you find out she thinks you are a jerk and rude. This is a let down because you are perceived differently than you think of yourself.

Basically, the first step towards self confidence is asking OTHERS how they perceive you. IE: Are you quiet, shy , aggressive, motivated, active, a leader, a follower, etc.
If you would like to more aggressive but are told you seem shy, ask that persons opinion of how he/she would perceive you to be aggressive. Ask your friends if you seem confident. Ask them what they feel your strong points are. Work harder on your strong points. If you excel in a certain area, it builds up your confidence.

Note: Family members will ALWAYS perceive you differently than friends and co workers. If you are the baby, you will always be thought of as the baby. Or always thought of as the older brother, etc.

[bermich]

Speaking in front of groups. No one likes doing it. If you are part of a group that has to speak in front of class just remember that: Everyone else has to do the same thing and while you are speaking, they are worrying about being the next person rather than concentrating on what you are doing or saying. Always try to be first so you can get it over with and that way everyone else is still worrying about doing their speech. If you are last: everyone is done with their speech and now they can laugh at the last persons mistakes.

This may be extreme but it worked for me in school. If a group of kids start fvcking with you and persist on a daily or weekly basis, this wont matter what they think of you cause they will keep doing it. Walk up to one and slug him in the stomache right by the heart. It will surely knock him to the ground while he has the wind knocked out of him. You might get your ass kicked by his freinds but I can assure you, after that day, they wont fvck with you anymore.

[LilVito469]

good thread... i myself am similar i can care less about my friends or girls that i know from the neighbourhood i never have problems talking. its just if im with a girl that i like once she goes quiet i can never find something to say to start conversation i just tend to sit there and say dumb things that wont spark a conversation, i think i just try to hard...i think its from my parents always telling me i should be more like other people in the family because i was never good enough for my parents.

[Tock]

This may be extreme but it worked for me in school. If a group of kids start fvcking with you and persist on a daily or weekly basis, this wont matter what they think of you cause they will keep doing it. Walk up to one and slug him in the stomache right by the heart. It will surely knock him to the ground while he has the wind knocked out of him. You might get your ass kicked by his freinds but I can assure you, after that day, they wont fvck with you anymore.

Ya, this worked for me . . . School bully picked on me one too many times and I lost my cool and threw him a few feet into something solid. No one messed with me after that.
--Tock

[Symian]

Just reinvent yourself.

Worked for me.

Sym

[Terinox]

Thanks for all the addition info guys, helps a lot.

Tock, I will def. check out that website, thnx.

It's weird you know, in a way, I really want to be the guy who can say and do whatever he wants. It's really hard to explain. It's as if there is just this thin wall or something that stops me from being more confident. Like I said before, it has improved much more, I can talk much more comfortably with people, especially individuals, but still shy in large groups (like talking in class, etc...).

Also weird, I have my ups and downs. Like sometimes, during cycle, and after a good workout, I'll feel more confident, or I'll even wake up in the morning after a good nights sleep, and feel a tad more confident.

I do think a major problem is I prbbly do worry what others think, and don't want to embarras myself. Hopefully with age this will start going away.

[bermich]

Having a big penis helps my confidence.

[ross3814]

I tell ya what's a good confidence booster. Being the most huge & jacked guy in a public place. Women gawk and men are jealous. Women want you and men want to be you. Not to be tooting my own horn, but that's what has helped my confidence. That and martial arts. I figure if I don't look better than some guy, I can at least kick his ass...

good call. i dont know what it's like to be jacked but martial arts are great for confidence. i got into boxing a while ago and more recently have been getting into MMA. great stuff. i think the bottom line is you know that you can kick a lot of peoples as*es. it's a primitive part of us that still exists.

[chicamahomico]

Tock and Spy......fantastic posts.

I personally like public speaking....I hope someday it is a large part of my job....because if it is I will be doing well with my career. It's all in your mental outlook. When you are up at a podium think of your self as a King who is adressing his subjects.....you own these people. I find the biggest thing that makes me think 'oh ****' when speaking in front of a crowd is when I am not adequately prepared. Know the material and you will be confident in your presentation. I mean think if your prof's at college, these poindexters get up and speak in front of hundreds of people all the time. Most of them are able to do it because they have mastered the material they are speaking on.

Tock and Spy touched on every big picture thing I could ever think of so I'll offer a few small things:
1) overdress for every occasion, in clothes you feel comfortable in
2) smile and laugh often
3) ALWAYS say 'hi, how ya doin' (whether or not you care) to people you even halfways know once you have made eye contact. Its annoying but it will go a long way in making approaching people easier and people will be more apt to approach you.
4) read the National Post every day, it's free at your college library I guarantee it....keeping up on current affairs will give you material to talk about with anyone, anywhere, anytime.
5) Find a club, join a group.....but preferably a small one, 5-15 people max and you wil get to know them in time. Check out dept course unions at your college....lotta hotties in the various arts faculties.

[Carlos_E]

I'm more than sure I posted about this before, but basically, my confidence in general just sucks.

It has greatly improved over the past few years, I talk to people more comfortable and don't get so nervous as I used to. I'm still a **** shy person.

Any way to work on this? Is there some medication that people take to boost their confidence? I'll be starting a cycle soon, and I usually feel more confident when i'm ON, but still, in general, I would much rather it be higher.

Anyone here used to be very shy and got over it? Did it just take time? Did you do something specific about it?

Thnx,
T.

I used to be EXTREMELY shy. What actually got me over it was getting high. When I was high I could talk to anyone and not give a rats ass. If they rejected me, so what and I was never rejected. So once I thought about it, if I could be confident and not care high and get good responses from people in general. There is no reason I couldn't do the same sober. So I dropped the drugs, never got high again and I got over my shyness.

[RP7]

Why not just get drunk. I never stop fuking talking when I'm hammered.

[Carlos_E]

Another thing to try if you're afraid to approach women at a club or bar. When you walk in you give yourself a number. You tell yourself I will approach or ask 5 women to dance tonight. When the first one says no, it may hurt a little but you continue on to the next. After the 3rd or 4th one saying no, YOU WILL NOT GIVE A $HIT! Do this each time you go out and you begin not to care. Also, the more you ask and approach, the better your odds one will say yes.

This worked great me, In my head it became a game instead of something full of anxiety.

[LM1332]

inhibit dude thats all i got to say. Before you say something stop think and say something else perhaps more aggressive or something in that matter also apply samething to physical acts

[RP7]

And about not having any girls as friends.... dont worry about it dude, girls arent worth having as friends, they are just good for one thing.

Unless the chick loves the packers or leafs as much as I do, then you're absolutely right!

[decadbal]

you just need to realize your just as important as the girl, so shes not the only one in sport for the others effections, remember you have things about you that make you great, show them, and be proud of them, dont think of yourself as a second class person

[bermich]

Another thing to try if you're afraid to approach women at a club or bar. When you walk in you give yourself a number. You tell yourself I will approach or ask 5 women to dance tonight. When the first one says no, it may hurt a little but you continue on to the next. After the 3rd or 4th one saying no, YOU WILL NOT GIVE A $HIT! Do this each time you go out and you begin not to care. Also, the more you ask and approach, the better your odds one will say yes.

This worked great me, In my head it became a game instead of something full of anxiety.

That is something I would have never thought of but it seems like it would work. If only I knew how to dance I would try that approach.

[Babyweight]

Having a big penis helps my confidence.

Just as I was about to give you a two thumbs up on your last post... I then just read this...lol

Whats wrong with you!!!!! lol

[usualsuspect]

Doc Love has all the answers your looking for bro. Pay him a visit over at Askmen.com.
The site is totally free too. Check it out for yourself.

~US~

[JDMSilviaSpecR]

Wow, hope all you guys get over that fear. Just convince yourself that you are confident. Women love men who are confident. I got over my fear in 9th grade by doing so. Trust me, it's all in your head.

[Tock]

Having a big penis helps my confidence.

O yeah?
I'll bet I have more confidence than you!
--Tock
lol . . .