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  1. #1
    razor67's Avatar
    razor67 is offline Banned
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    Nov 2001

    best divorce letter ever written...

    The best divorce letter ever written!

    Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other
    during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day
    you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the
    wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the
    first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would
    come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see
    that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I

    don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't
    care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time
    we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart
    says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and
    breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even
    close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her
    home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate
    the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those
    perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating
    can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't
    believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
    But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look
    at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
    What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well,
    in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her
    a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
    attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that
    I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
    tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
    thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
    flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
    Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then
    it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to
    watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
    Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do
    just reminds me of you.
    Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge
    last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She
    said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't
    know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway,
    we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging
    away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
    sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does
    when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the
    kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on
    your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we
    straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but
    it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie
    ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what,
    14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy." Saturday, your sister
    drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a
    kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's
    been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots
    of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for
    us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O
    shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this
    teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how
    much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes
    me cry.
    And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
    gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
    and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do
    you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
    cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In
    your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over?
    Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we
    If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can
    you let me know where the ****ing remote is. Love,

  2. #2
    rambo's Avatar
    rambo is offline The Lord God
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    Jan 2002

  3. #3
    Testsubject's Avatar
    Testsubject is offline Anabolic Member
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    Feb 2004
    HAHA, this is hillarious, I needed a good laugh.

  4. #4
    Butch is offline Anabolic Member
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    Jan 2002
    The land of stars
    I read that one before...but it is always funny to read it again!

  5. #5
    razor67's Avatar
    razor67 is offline Banned
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    Nov 2001
    OK..didnt see it..guess i should have looked around ehhh

  6. #6
    ItalianMuscle's Avatar
    ItalianMuscle is offline Senior Member
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    Jul 2003
    Boston, MA
    Seen it.. Good laugh..

  7. #7
    spywizard's Avatar
    spywizard is offline AR-Elite Hall of Famer~
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    Dec 2003
    In the Gym, if i could
    attractive Connie?

    That was great....................
    The answer to your every question


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    Why the Police will Kick your ass

  8. #8
    bigbouncinballs's Avatar
    bigbouncinballs is offline Senior Member
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    May 2003
    Your mom's
    thrustin in the cinammon ring... oh yeah!!!

  9. #9
    big daddy k de's Avatar
    big daddy k de is offline Senior Member
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    Jan 2003
    lol that got me to lol

  10. #10
    Da Bull's Avatar
    Da Bull is offline Banned
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    Sep 2003
    Saw it on previous post.

  11. #11
    50%Natural's Avatar
    50%Natural is offline Respected Member
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    Aug 2003

  12. #12
    alevok Guest
    "half a pint of throat yogurt"
    hell yeah

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