Bodybuilding Superstitions
BODYBUILDING SUPERSTITIONS
by InsaneO
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Much like all sports, bodybuilding is filled with a complex web of secretly held beliefs and superstitions. We thought is was high time somebody in the trenches took an insiders look at the sport and brought some of these to light. Enjoy.
The first and foremost is the dreaded favorite gym clothing superstition. I think you guys know what I am talking about. That nasty stinky gray shirt with the holes in it. The one your wife or girlfriend keeps trying to throw away. You tell her each time that without that shirt you'll never be able to bench heavy again, cause back in 1996 on a cold windy day you actually accomplished your best bench ever wearing that shirt. Now, forget about the fact that you were wearing a shirt underneath that one, or the fact that if you had bounced the bar any harder they could have registered seismic activity in Brazil. Not to mention the fact you were on enough AS to shutdown the natural testosterone production of a large Brahma bull. No, forget all that stuff, it's the gray Old Navy shirt which makes the difference every time. You know it, you believe it, so be it. But, for the love of God, could you at least wash it !!!!!
The second is the scariest of all. The magical workout tape. I know some of you guys can’t even think of working out without your favorite artist blasting in your ear.
Now, true some gyms do play the worst music, but come on. You tell me how Barry Manillo helps anyone lift heavier ??? I asked a few guys what they listen to and why. Here is what they said.
Excuse me sir, what do you listen to when you are working out?
“ I listen to Cindy Lauper, ‘ Time after Time ‘ cause it reminds me of Grandma and how she use to bake me cookies. “
“ What ? “
“ Yeah, I do it all for my granny.”
Guys, I had no reply to that one. I quickly turned and left cause I was sure, any second, he was going to start crying on my shoulder.
“Excuse me sir, what do you listen to when you are working out?”
“ Me , ahh... I listen to AC/DC , Black Sabbath , Judas Priest. “
The guy actually had the nerve to make that sign with his hand and began to bang his head back and forth. I felt like saying “Dude get a haircut, the 70’s are over.” But, I did not want to spoil his workout; he was almost to the 70lb dumbbells on flat bench press.
“Excuse me sir, what do you listen to when you are working out?”
“ Ohh , I listen to the Pet Shop boys , George Michael , and Elton John. I find they really give me boost when I’m feeling in the dumps.”
I got the Hell out of there QUICK !!!
“Excuse me sir , what do you listen to when you are working out ?”
“ Mother Fu**** , can’t you see I’m working out? What do you mean
what do I listen to? That’s none of your Motherfu**ing business. You
bother me again and I’ll blow up your Fuc**** car ! “
Ahh , one of the boys. I felt like hugging him.
Lets see what third on the list.
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NO SEX BEFORE A LEG WORKOUT.
What ??? Come on, you know it’s true. I have tried on many occasions to disprove this theory but to no avail. If you spend an hour waxing Johnny there is no way you are going to be able to get out of the bed, off the kitchen counter, tape up the rug burns on your knees, and hit the gym with any kind of vigor.
Sure you could go through the motions, but there is no way in hell you are going to be training like a madman after draining the tanks. At best, you’re lucky if you can get out of the house. When the sheets have been torn off the bed, the pillows embedded in the walls, and all the lamps in the room broken into a million pieces there is no way that you can even stand without your legs shaking. After you figure out how to undo the slip knot she used on your wrists, you stand, knock kneed, legs buckling, walking like you’re on a ship in a storm, how in the world are you going to do any damage on the leg press or squat rack?
Plus, you have to wait for the Paramedics. It seems you bruised her liver when you were trying to fit that Semi down her back alley. She told you to use the highway, but NO you had to go the back way. Now, forget about the gym and don’t fall asleep unless you hide the golf clubs, cause as soon as you do, she’s going up your back nine with the number eight driver. You might escape tonight but you know it’s only a matter of time before she shares with you the JOY you gave her when you plowed right past the sign which read “Exit Only.”
Ahh… number four. This is one of my favorites. Oh yeah, it’s one I am guilty of and I’m ashamed to say that I fall into this trap. No matter how much gear you have, without that one special thing everything is lost. For me it’s orals. I have been on five injectables and without an oral I feel like I am not growing like I could be. I wondered what was most vital to a growth cycle for most guys. Here is a list. Please don’t ask me to explain , even I could not figure some of these out.
1. Orals (Of course )
2. Injectables (Without a doubt )
3. A girlfriend (Okay, I could see how this might make life easier.)
4. A gym membership (This sort of fell into my NO **** category, but some guy actually said it.)
5. Food (Okay, so I asked the same moron twice. It was still early at the gym.)
6. A good workout program (I would have said “good call” except this guy was a personal trainer. He spent the next five minutes trying to convince me that he could help ME add a few pounds of muscle. Mind you this guy was 170 lbs soaking wet. Of course, this was IF and ONLY IF I signed a six-month contract with him. But hey, he would give me a special rate since I was only going to need a 3-day a week workout program. He then asked me if I had ever heard of the Holy One. What ??? The one sent from Heaven, the mighty Bill Phillips. At this point I became afraid, very afraid.)
7. A good protein powder (I guess if you can’t be BIG at least you can at least **** BIG.)
8. A workout partner (Again , good call but it was the Elton John guy from earlier and he’s smiling at me. Where the Hell is my girlfriend when I need her?)
9. The proper motivation. What??? There, the proper motivation. (I follow his finger and see him pointing at a tanned 18-year old fitness competitor. Her curly blonde hair cascading over her perfect shoulders as the sun catches the diamond piercing in her navel. At this point my brain goes to mush. The only sound I can make is the one Homer Simpson makes when he sees a doughnut. Mmmmmmmm…… fitness competitor. My only thoughts are “Thank God my girlfriends not here.)
10. I was going to finish this list, but I think Candy is her name, is doing stiff leg
deadlifts by the mirrors. The guys and I just want to support our fellow gym mates so we go see if her form is correct. We don’t want her to hurt her pretty little self.
Last but not least is number five. The “I could be bigger if” sentence. We all believe that if only we had something (and that something is always the very thing we cannot get), we could all be much bigger. So I’d thought maybe I would see what most people thought was the one missing ingredient in their bodybuilding program. Here it is…
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Please finish this sentence. I could be bigger if……
“ My wife would stop busting my balls. And my boss , Yeah tell him to get his fat ass off my back. And those screaming brats, every night it’s Daddy this, Daddy that. Oh let me tell you another thing….
Alright, this guy was obviously having a very bad day. Lets try this again.
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Please finish this sentence. I could be bigger if……
“ If you let me tie you down and pour honey….”
Holy ****! It’s that Elton John guy again. Quick retreat! Hiding by the dumbbell room I had no idea how hard it would be to conduct a simple poll. I did not just say hard and poll in the same sentence did I ??? Jeeez , this is much harder, errr I mean difficult, more difficult , than I thought it would be. Taking a few deep breaths I sally forth once more.
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Please finish this sentence. I could be bigger if……
“ You again !!! MotherFuc*** !!! I told you I would kill you if you bothered me again. “
At this point I am ducking because a 150 lb dumbbell goes sailing across the room followed by a long string of obscenities. As the mirror shatters and he grabs the 170lb dumbbells my only thoughts are “ It’s good to be home. “
Please finish this sentence. I could be bigger if……
“ If I only had more AS. I mean, I know I am on 5 grams a week now, but I am sure if only I had a little more I’d be onstage with Coleman in no time. “
I lean in to get a better look at this moron and smack my head in the mirror. Ooops , it seems I answered my own question.
Hey guys, I hoped you liked my first column for Anabolic Extreme.
