is this only me or are people in denial?

[bigkev]

i relate to that more than you know brother.

[Iron horse]

I like the honesty this thread is bringing out. being big and using AS is branded as the sweet life on here very often, but it's a very difficult lifestyle and not easy at all.

I think many guys know how you guys feel in atleast some ways.

keep pumpin

[the original jason]

brought back from the dead anyone else?? thought it made good reading

peace

[Tapout]

i will bring it back----i am planning on taking next 2 months off then doing a cut cycle then i see pics of big kev and im ready to start again

the addiction side---whats funny i think my wife is starting to like it better when im on im actually easier to get along with cause i know im growing

[Ajax]

The changes to my mood when I juice are a mixed bag; I feel some positive effects like increased confidence and motivation and on the negative side I do get a really short fuse and hair-trigger temper.

Personally, I look at the emotional side effects of steroids as a trade-off; they are soemthing I have to deal with to achieve my goals.

I am not about 'getting freaky huge.' That's not my goal. I want to have a 'good, balanced life.' I chose to use juice becasue I was 40 years old, not in great shape and I wanted to make some drastic changes. I chose to juice becuse I wanted a shortcut to getting is shape. At 40 years old, I see the number of years I have left as limited and I wanted to make the most of them.

So I work hard to keep the negative emotional effects in check. Since my goal is balance, if the negative effects (both emotional or physical) did become a big problem I would quit using 'roids. There are many aspects of my life that I want to succeed in and I won't sacrafice just to succeed in one area.

Just my opinion...

[McBain]

Keep em coming, as someone who has yet to take the plunge this is very informative and interesting. Makes me wonder what my emotional reaction will be.

[Billy Boy]

Jason at least the first part of your problem is resolved at least you acknowledge the fact of how it makes you feel.most don't even get that far.

I get stroppy without the gear and after having a violent past I have learned to tone it down I know it is still there but I can control it.AAS don't make me feel any more aggresive I think I am sharper with my replies than normal but I am also more tolerant of idiots at the same time.

Saying that by the end of the cycle I felt emotionally and physically drained and couldn't wait for it to be finished I really did feel on a low.The Clomid turned me into an emotional wreck and when i finished my cycle I did,nt want to train anymore.

For me its a small price to pay for the results I want to achieve but if those feeling really got that bad I wouldn't want to do them again.

Combining the steroids with the full time job of assessing my diet and training constantly de-motivated me and the numerous pains that developed with the use of AAS and training really pissed me off.

It effects eveyone differently but the emotional side of it was bizarre it turned me into a more "sensitive" person.

[JP1570]

I think test makes me more confident and does make me feel better about myself. Yea, sometimes it would mess with my head a little bit, but in general, I loved the way it made me feel on my first cycle. I am fairly insecure about a lot of things, but when I was on, it all seemed to go away. I talked to a girl in a bar one night, never got her number, and never ran into her again. a month later when i needed a date for something, I got her phone number from someone, called her up out of the blue and took her out. She's practically my girlfriend now. Sounds pretty stupid, but I generally never have the balls to do such things. I really think I was that much more confident when on test. I guess just like everything else, different chemicals affect different people in different ways.

[bigkev]

one of the things about gear is that you can never be big enough. most say 200lbs is their goal, but when you get there, it becomes 210. then 220, 230, etc.... its just never enough. i mean when the sky is the limit(as it is with performance enhancing drugs these days) why stop at the top of the tree's? or for that matter, the top of the mountain. the only limit there is is in your brain , or, of course, death. thats alot of power for anyone to have.

[Canes4Ever]

Originally posted by bigkev
one of the things about gear is that you can never be big enough. most say 200lbs is their goal, but when you get there, it becomes 210. then 220, 230, etc.... its just never enough. i mean when the sky is the limit(as it is with performance enhancing drugs these days) why stop at the top of the tree's? or for that matter, the top of the mountain. the only limit there is is in your brain , or, of course, death. thats alot of power for anyone to have.

BigKev is there a point where you'd think even you are too big? Do you see yourself attaining 300? Would tha be your threshold or do you think you have no ceiling in your growth ? What would make you stop ? (sorry all the questions but I just thought about them when I read your answer)

[Nathan]

Originally posted by bigkev
one of the things about gear is that you can never be big enough. most say 200lbs is their goal, but when you get there, it becomes 210. then 220, 230, etc.... its just never enough. i mean when the sky is the limit(as it is with performance enhancing drugs these days) why stop at the top of the tree's? or for that matter, the top of the mountain. the only limit there is is in your brain , or, of course, death. thats alot of power for anyone to have.

Indeed. Not to be-little what you are saying cause I agree, but DUM DUM DUUUUUMMMM.

[Big Rush]

Interesting post...bump

[A_Nice]

This has definately been interesting....

I never put much thought into how steroids would affect my mental state. I am thinking about starting a cycle when I acheive my goal of cutting up first.

I was on anti-depressants for about a year. This was for some serious shit I had going on... Anger, Depression, Anxiety.. all rolled into one. I have a terrible temper as it is, i've been learning to control it though.

The anti-depressents work like a charm.. But I would do anything to not take them again. First of all when I was on them it seriously numbed me to any emotional pain or love for that matter . I had a general sense of well being, but I mean I wouldnt have feelings for anyone or anything. It also made me lazy and unmotivated to do anything with myself. Never answerd my phone and I just vegged out when I was on them. I realized I didnt wanna live like that anymore and I asked my Doc if I could go off... I had to ween myself off, decreases the doses, and let me tell u there is with drawl to that shit..

Anyway, im back to "normal" now since ive been off them.. Ive been feeling good about myself training everyday, getting my stuff done in school, and keeping my relationships with people tight.

I still plan on AS when im ready.. but the second I slip and start becoming what i was like before, im off the gear asap...

[bigwillie78]

Test messes with my head.Its an emotional roller coaster and I will never do test again. It did teach me about confidence, how its a state of mind and that if you carry yourself with it, no one will doubt you. I feel much better off(although I never think of sex, just came off) of them and my life is more structured. I think that as we get older, many prioritys will change, family, work, etc... Im currently 23 and weigh 245. On the juice, I get to about 260. When Im off, I feel small but youve got to be realistic. Most of us are bigger and stronger than the average joe and we should be content with that. I have no real desire to do another cycle because of how unhappy I get on them. Luckily, I was able to mend a 4 1/2 year relationship with my girl after a 9 month break up. It was rough and I did it b/c of roids.
Still I love talking about this sh*t, and I will never quit working out

[Tarzan]

Bump

Would like to here what TNT and Dr. Evil have to say

[xplicit]

Originally posted by The Original Jason
Ok I have been thinking about this for ages on and off and spoke to alot of people about it so I want to throw it in here.

I read so many places and threads yeah steroids make me feel great and things like roid rage " you are only more angry if oyu are normally an angry person" and many more comments like that.

Well for me and I am just talkin about myself here and I like to be honest cos I hate all them giving it the large one im charlie big potatoe people who big up themselves all the time.

Juice does not make me feel better about myself as a person or it doesnt improve my emotional life, state of mind, peace of mind, it doesnt give me a feeling of well being in fact from the minute I start a cycle I feel fucked I get more crazy thoughts in my mind, my peace of mind is gone I mean gone, im no longer the calm person I sometimes can be, I fuck up my relationship for no apparent reason, I chase sex with other women to satisfy the lust, I make irrational decisions and thats just some of the things.
I start to feel paranoid about losing hair and getting physical problems also I do get many physical problems at times

Ok I like to get bigger an attain my goals thats what we are all about right but im not into lieing and saying yeah it makes me feel real great and improves many things it doesnt.

I am not in any way saying dont do it cos I will still do it I just want to know if other people feel the same.

I call steroids "character defect enhancers" we all have character traits good and bad so no one can say they dont have any character defects and to me juice really enhances the defects in my own character. It brings out the worst in me in all ways, I am tying to start a logical disccusion anyone with useless comments will be deleted .

I am lucky to have had alot of experience due to my past looking into myself and learning about how to deal with emotions and feelings, and looking into how humans react and how feelings are developed and how and why and so on.

I will finish with many people lie to themselves to justify their own behavoiur its similar to addiction, but easier to justify.

Hope to get some educated replies

peace
Jason

Hey Jason it seems to me that gear gives u more negatives then postivie advantages but u said ull continue to do it, why? Maybe thats a problem in it self u said it changes u as a person for the worse and ruin relationships and chase sex etc Then maybe gear isnt for u maybe getting bigger isnt the most important thing to conside in ur situation. im not flaming you at all. I seen some of the posts u put up and i read threw them and u seem to be expressing ur feelings a lot which is a good thing but it always seems that ur argueing agasint steroids and angry with how it makes u as a person sayin they do change ur character and attitude then maybe u should find what makes u happy and stay away from using gear. Again no flame im just tryin to give u a educated response

[the original jason]

thanks bro yeah maybe you have a point I wasnt really looking for feedback just wondering how many other people identify. I am not the kinda person who learns from what other people think I am the person who will learn from my own experience for sure, I can only learn that way. This thread was really good just to see that other people have some similar experiences and that was what it was all about. It seems to be a side of juice that isnt talked about alot and thats what i wanted to do. I will continue with anyhting till it causes me enough negative consequences where I think about that I have to stop. just my thoughts really

peace

[Nate_Dog]

I also have had substance abuse issuse -

There is no doubt about it, fucking with your hormones(or mind) is serious. And can have serious rebound effects.

I agree it goes both ways,.. Last time I cycled I felt like a god in the gym. IN CHARGE was the way to describe it. At times I felt alone, isolated, and extremely depressed. When I went out to bars/clubs, I looked GREAT,... chicks always wanted to chat to me, but I just didn't feel like talking to anyone that I did not already know.

When I got bad acne,... I found that hard. Looking full and buff. But to ashamed to remove my shirt, as it look very off putting (weel I think so anyway).

One time me and my best friend had a big fight(I started it, and was way out of line), it resulted in my mate coming around with a claw hammer (he is not the kind of guy you pick fights with).

Yes the addiction fact is really dangerous, when people tell you you have lost size, those words are like poison to your mind.

Actually well done for bring this up, some of the younger members should read this,... they always got told all the "benefits", but dont know the full picture.

I also think it is very individual.

Hell, I could type for hours on the issue.

Keep it bumped.
Peace

[El Kabong]

wow. great thread.

I'm a little worried about the emotional changes. I'm thinking of a cycle (first time) but I'm not sure I could handle it. I have a great job, but it's one that requires me to have a level and clear head. I make my money on how quickly I think and how I communicate with others.

Not to mention, like Canes, I am prone to anxiety. Not quite panic attacks, but it's there.

Hmmm. Lots to think about. Thanks to everyone for telling their stories..

[Exocet]

Excellent thread. I identify very closely with alot of the ideas and feelings you guys have brought up. Perhaps when I have a little more time, I'll post a little more in-depth with my own thoughts and experiences.

[reli]

if i had it to describe it in one word i say it makes u feel like a tenager again.personally i love it i feel strong as a bull ,hyper better overall being as far as rage goes it can be very controllable its just that some ppl think when they are on them it gives them a licence to kill if i had to compare it with some guy who its not really drunk but just acts like it

[Rickson]

I think almost all BB's have an addictive personality if not an obssessive compulsive one. I know I use to drink to much and do to many drugs. I traded that for this lifestyle and over all I think it was a good trade. I generally feel better on test and my aggression doesn't increase dramatically unless I am doing tren or Halo. I have noticed that I am much more willing to give up on personal relationships if they in any way hamper my working out or AAS use. The scariest thing overall is my willingness to put my health aside in order to get the desired results. This coupled with what Big Kev mentioned about my identity being tied up with being big makes stopping seem impossible. It takes a while for people to know you other then just as some muscle bound roid head. I think it would be interesting if I could pull a Jimmy Stewart and see how my life would have turned out without them but overall I am happy with the choices I have made.

[shorty2big]

I don't ever "feel" any better while I'm on juice. I would say I feel the same. By nature I am pretty calm & when I am on juice I would say I am just the same. It takes a lot to get me mad. The only thing I can say negative about it is when I'm on, I am very horny and can make some very bad decisions. I am in a relationship and I definitely have the tendency to want to chase as much ass as possible when I'm juicing. I know it's wrong and I don't do it when I'm clean. Shit, I feel all bad right now just thinking about it 'cause my gf is the greatest person in the world & I love her to death.

[Nate_Dog]

Well... I have a stoke pile of gear and I am very cautious about using it. It has been a while since I have juiced and it did mess with me. I was younger and had the wrong idea about a lot of things.

The point is I am breaking up out of a 2.5 year relationship to go OS and live some life before I settle down. I have been going out of my brain and I AM NATURAL. So I am scared to mess with myself, as I have seen the depths of sadness of late. I am sure you boys have been there.

So yes sanity in some people is a fine thing. People should always exercise caution.

Good to see this thread bumped again.

[ECKO 747]

Originally posted by bigkev
one of the things about gear is that you can never be big enough. most say 200lbs is their goal, but when you get there, it becomes 210. then 220, 230, etc.... its just never enough. i mean when the sky is the limit(as it is with performance enhancing drugs these days) why stop at the top of the tree's? or for that matter, the top of the mountain. the only limit there is is in your brain , or, of course, death. thats alot of power for anyone to have.

Big kev i know exactly what U mean.... I started off 4 years ago at 180 pounds, my aim was to reach 200, then it was 220, after after that 240 now I'm near 260 and I keep telling myself after 280, I'll stop the mass game, but deep down inside I know one day I'll wake up at 300 something pounds or find myself dead trying to..

The juice throws me on one hell of an emotional roller coaster... But it not like I'm getting mood swings everyday... The one thing I notice the most is that when I'm on the sauce, I take things too much to heart.. I find my self over anaylizing and over thinking everyday occurances, and small blows to my ego send me either in silent rage or in some sort of sort of short mild depression. Some times the sauce makes me feel that friends and loved ones are jelous of my size and the attention it attracts and that when my mind can start playing the emotional tricks...

Jason Thanks for starting this thread... It feels like I'm getting thearpy, and getting this stuff of my chest is making me feel a whole lot better mentally

[the original jason]

Not bumping myself but i do love this post I can read all the replies again and again. Nate to be honest if I am really in a state of depression juice is the last thing I want I am pretty sure I would turn suicidal!, like I said to me juice is a feeling enhancer makes things worse or better which ever ones im feeling.

Ecko made some great points I can spend hours analyzing the shit out of anything and make something out of nothing usually I make everything into something its not and end up causing trouble out of nothng especially with my gf the mad thing is I think at the time I am right and I really feel like I am right but then afterwards I think to myself what the fuck how could I have been so wrong??

Shorty I know what you are saying on the relationship one I have a gf and feel the same however get myself into real shit on the sauce, I feel bad enough about the one night stands but I get into multiple relationships and cos I live in Asia good girls are very reserved I have to go all out to get that goal and end up promising the world just to get what I want then get back to reality its all over and I feel let down again just all ego stuff for me I hate to admit it but its truly crazy and its me


peace

[BLOOD]

OJ, I'm only 120lb I've been blessed (cursed) with the most metabolic metabolism on the face of this planet... my lack of real progress from my training has been tempting me to inject some juice I can get a decent weight & physique, but there's so many things that I need to take into consideration, plus I'm not so sure which I inherit height from so there's a chance I may still grow an inch or two, but this has all been an intresting learning experience to say the least

[AZlifter]

Excellent Post

After these past few months of research and reading other's experiences i have decided to make the walk to the "dark-side". I've seen all these posts on the "benefits" but never any posts such as this one. I feel that i could read this EVERYDAY to just get a sense that i may not be the only person feeling "this way." Reading this also puts thoughts in my mind about how i may act once i start my cycle. But it also gives me a heads-up on the emotional side effects that i may encounter. Thanks to ALL that posted their experiences, it is a TRUE awakening for any newbie or novice user.

[Vedder69]

I couldn't agree with you more Jason. This is my first cycle ever and I must say I love the gains, the power I feel in and out of the gym. But I hate the aggression. I have always been an aggressive person, being italian doesn't help, but roids double that. But anyone who says they help with there mind needs smacked in the face. like bigkev said I feel like everyone is against me. I look for reasons to fight with my girl. I all of a sudden don't trust her, but I am like fuck her and everyone I just want to be big. Well if that is helping your mind then this world would suck!!!

bigkev said it perfectly once you take aas your world will never be the same. The positive effects are you'll be big and stong, and for people like us who lift nothing else matters, that is why we don't care about the negative sides effects of aas! And tapout is absolutely right......

Good luck to anyone getting ready to start..

[xxxl83]

Guys I think it all comes down to control, If you know AS does these things to your personalities you should be able to see whats comming and when your going to spaz out then control it, or just try to aviod situations that you know will put you over the top and cause you to do or say things you will regret later. I know it's not as easy as it sounds but, if you want to use AS you've got to learn how to make them work for you without messing up the things that take a higher priority in your life. JMO

xxxl83

[djdjdjddjon]

excellent post...couldnt be more right...

[fullback40]

okay.... Jason you speak from the heart on your post - so since you are a moderator on this board, much props to you brother. Ive fucked up a marriage and many relationships over the years.. Was it the juice? or a void of hormone I was needing when I went off.

I am 36, married to a very easy going, cool wife and we have a beautiful 8 month old daughter. I think these 2 things keep my ass in check more than anything else. Tapout as my witness, Ive been in many a road rage (get out of the car and punch people out) type of incidents. I live in a county full of white trash, country motherf*ckers (no offense to country people) so I would engage either on or off cycle - didnt matter. This was my insecurity rearing it's ugly head more than hormones.

I now take AS more for the lack of natural hormones my body produces with my age and have learned that if I want to spend the rest of my life with my family instead of in jail or dead, I better take a knee once in awhile and let shit roll off me. Funny thing is I take 3 times as many milligrams as I did 10 years ago and have an easier time with my temper than before. Must be me getting old? or maybe have 2 people depending on me to keep my shit straight? or both. Jason, Ive been where you are now.... I tried to keep up with "Jones" or even better the "Bigkevs" in the gym for years. I came to the realization that it wont happen with my genetics unless I absorb myself in this lifestyle (which I choose not to do) That mentally can put more stress and pressure on you than 2 grams of test a week. Excellent post Jason..

[McBain]

Just have to say that I really think this is a great thread, it's a topic that is often ignored it seems. I am currently on my first cycle and going to start test in a few days. Right now I'm sort of off and on with this chick who really plays some serious mind games. Some days I'm fine but others I don't even want to get out of bed. Any suggestions for avoiding any emotional rollercoasters during this cycle? My doses are fairly low (350mg test/week) so I'm not too worried but I figure it could definitely give me a ride so any suggestions would be much appreciated.

[Exocet]

Well, I guess I'll take credit for resurrecting this thread from the dead

I was doing a search in this forum on "depression on cycle". I had been reading alot of threads about the possible onset of depression after a cycle - but never during . Its not so much that I have intense depression, but I have noticed little things bothering me far more easily - anxiety levels jumping up without just cause. I'm no long-time vet on this board, or to juice for that matter. But I *do* know when something is different with my mind and my body. I've come to the (perhaps premature) conclusion that test is basically a 'mood magnifier' for me. Does this make sense? Feelings that I might normally be able to simply shrug off are far harder to put aside. Like a lot of you guys, anxiety and jealousy (in particular with my girl) seem to be the two most prominent. I get worried when she doesn't call, things like that. Its more than that though. I might get worried, but now it additionally brings my mood right down. I find myself fretting over silly things. Anyways, I'm really happy to have found this thread and figured out that _its not just me_. Thanks all for posting your own thoughts on this, it has been very informative for me.

I might just bump this thread periodically for the hell of it.

[BIG LARR]

i disagree, i love feeling like i have less control overmyself i like going nuts in the weightroom

[McBain]

Originally posted by Exocet
Its not so much that I have intense depression, but I have noticed little things bothering me far more easily - anxiety levels jumping up without just cause. I'm no long-time vet on this board, or to juice for that matter. But I *do* know when something is different with my mind and my body. I've come to the (perhaps premature) conclusion that test is basically a 'mood magnifier' for me. Does this make sense? Feelings that I might normally be able to simply shrug off are far harder to put aside.

Anyone experience this without test? Right now I'm just on anavar 40mg ed and I've been like this but then again it just might be that girl who's sort of messing with my head maybe? I can't tell really Anyone who might help me out with figuring that out I'd be much obliged as I'd like to know whether it's her being a nutter or me

[skinjob]

i realise this is a heavily vintage thread... but it resonates strongly for me.. thanks Jason for the honesty and the clear thinking.

i am moody, insomniac, worrying bar stard.

[johnsomebody]

Wow, this really is an interesting thread. It's especially interesting in context of what happened with BigKev -where the "I'm gonna do this no matter how ****ed up I get" attitude can lead to.

[Mr. Sparkle]

why was this bumped? this is old as hell

[bor]

Totally agreed!!!! Off the subject, Jason you have a EVO VII?!?!?!!?