The Dead Pool 2002
by Paz Iamnoone
www.t-mag.com
Editor's note: This is the 5th installment of The Dead Pool. For those of you who are new to the site, The Dead Pool began as a gruesome extension of the game where players bet on which Hollywood celebrity — based on either advanced age or plain old hard living — is going to die in the coming year. We took the same "game" and applied it to bodybuilders.
We get a lot of flack for this column, but if we can psychically slap one of the Pool's members into reevaluating his fasttrack to death, then it's worth it. As always, the names have been changed to protect the walking dead.
Has it really been over four years since the Dead Pool first appeared in the fifth-ever online edition of T-mag? Lordy, how the time does fly!
Apart from the bodybuilders mentioned in the pool who recognize themselves among the list of daredevil drug doings, the only real criticism has been that to date, not one of the men or women on the Pool has kicked the bucket. Either the rumors of steroid excess have been greatly exaggerated, or else perhaps these drugs aren't as dangerous as we would imagine. But consider this: just over the past twelve months we've witnessed the deaths of both Mike and Ray Mentzer — both longtime admitted users of anabolics — and more recently Master's Olympia competitor Hans Hopstaken, the ripped bald dude on the cover of Dan Duchaine's manifesto Bodyopus. All three were under fifty years of age when they passed from this earth in an age when the average life span for men is now seventy-five.
What I'm getting at here is that this here Dead Pool is still talking about a group of people who probably won't be paying the price for their drug use for a few more years. While none of these guys livin' la vida loca will likely meet their maker in the next year, they're all flirting with disaster and daring the Grim Reaper to make his move long before they reach a ripe old age — like 50. Here are this year's top picks:
Usta Be-Someboddy
You have to feel at least a little sorry for this big, balding, cross-eyed freak. Just a few years ago, he was knocking on the door to the Mr. Olympia, and even won the Arnold Classic. Usta was one of the first real monsters in bodybuilding, competing at 285 pounds at 5' 11" and putting the fear of God into men like Dorian Yates. But over the past couple years, Usta has been steadily slipping down the ranks. At the most recent Olympia and Arnold Classic, he was ridiculed and reviled for the gobs of Synthol evident in his rear delts and barely cracked the top ten at both events. Since he's only 35, he has no intentions of giving up. Instead, he'll just keep pumping in the drugs and hope the judges suddenly start to like him again. I just wonder how much longer his poor, battered body can hold up.
Log Cabin
This guy just turned pro by winning the NPC Nationals heavyweight title at 5' 7", 220 pounds. He also has the distinction of having beat Jay Cutler for the Overall at the Teen Nationals almost ten years ago. Log is a good ole Texas boy who you would probably guess to be around 35-40 years old by looking at him. His hairline has receded halfway up his scalp, and the weathered face looks like it's been around a while. Here's the kicker: Log is only 26 years old! If you've ever known a heavy steroid user, you know that one side effect of long-term use that nobody seems to mention is premature aging. Not only does the face show the wear and tear, but if you were to slice open some of these studs while they were in their late twenties, you'd find the battered and abused organs of a 50-year-old alcoholic or drug addict.
Log has built a great deal of thick muscle over the years with very heavy training combined with what has to be massive doses of the good stuff — Test, d-bol, Anadrol, and so on. These are the most effective mass-building agents, but also the most toxic. Now he has the size and muscle maturity most 26-year-old bodybuilders can only dream of. I have a feeling he may have to pay a hefty price for it somewhere down the line. Perhaps the saddest aspect to all this is that Log is built like a tree stump, and will never be able to compete against the more aesthetic types despite having all the muscle in the world.
Super Synthol
You probably know this big ugly bastard from the ubiquitous ads and 40-page "special reports" he's featured in that appear in just about every single bodybuilding magazine every month. Super has the Superman logo tattooed on his shoulder just like Lee Priest, and is credited with having the largest and strongest arms in the world. For those of us who consider the injection of oily lumps into your bi's and tri's the most ludicrous mockery of bodybuilding possible, this claim is an insult to our sensibilities. But let's move beyond the Synthol because that's hardly worthy of Dead Pool membership. Let's start with the fact that this big 300-pound mamaluke has yet to turn thirty, but like Log Cabin, he'd have no problem fitting in with the guys atttending their 20th or 25th high-school reunions.
The hairline is high enough that he could try the comb-over, but instead almost every picture you see of him has him wearing that trendy hip-hop type of stocking hat (dang, it must be cold in these gyms!). His off-season pictures really tell the whole unhealthy story. His face is puffy and red, and if his gut isn't as big as Greg Kovacs' maternity-like monstrosity, it has to be close. The giant belly is often a tell-tale sign of possible heavy GH use, the long-term effects of which we really don't know about yet. The late Lyle Alzado blamed GH for his brain tumor, and who's to say he was wrong? Super Synthol, it doesn't seem to me as if you plan on surviving your thirties, and that's way too short a life.
Greg Hostile
The heavy steroid use is a given with this hostile character, who is constantly either punching people or threatening to kick people's asses. Greg is not a nice guy — one of the few real thugs in our sport. He served less than two years in prison in the late 90's, but maybe society would be better off is they'd never let him out. Greg won his first major amateur show at 202 pounds and now competes at around 240, with the standard giant gut that seems to be par for the course these days with the big boys.
It's been suggested that steroids are probably the least risky thing he partakes in. The recreational drugs, specifically Nubain and Ecstasy, are a good deal more dangerous in the short term. (His prison sentence was related to selling and distributing at least one of these two recreational drugs, so it's not too far a leap of logic to think that he might still partake in one or both of them.) While I have yet to hear about anyone dropping dead after administering a shot of Sustanon, plenty of unlucky teenage kids have been taken away from rave parties in an ambulance after popping a bad "bean" or two.
What could be more dangerous than his regular use of steroids and recreational drugs? How about that insane temper and vicious attitude? Studies have shown that hostile people are many times more likely to die of a heart attack. Given the seething rage that boils inside this IFBB pro — on top of using drugs that lead to high blood pressure and possibly damage the coronary arteries — Greg is an obituary waiting to be written.
And I can tell you his blood pressure has to be astronomical, at least in the off-season. I saw a picture of Greg straining with several hundred pounds on a squat machine, and I swear to God his face was as purple as an eggplant — and he's white! The real tragedy is that this guy has been such a bad guy for so long that I worry that the turnout for his funeral would be wayyy on the light side.
Barkus Mule
If you asked a cartoonist, say one of the guys over at Mad magazine, to come up with a depiction of a bodybuilder totally blown up on megadoses of steroids and other drugs, I bet they'd come up with something that looked very much like Barkus, the German Giant. Mule is a perfect example of someone who has simply packed on far too much muscle on his frame to the point where it's disgusting. He owns one of the very largest bellies in bodybuilding, possibly the whopper of them all. It seems as if he could give birth to triplets at any time — 10-year-old triplets, that is. And now his belly button has protruded out over the past year into something that looks like a little thumb sticking out. That can't be a good sign.
At 5' 11", this dude stomps around at 315 in the off-season, dialing it down to 280 pounds of nasty, lumpy muscles that seem more like a random collection of bodyparts than a physique. Since foreigners like Andreas Munzer and Momo Benaziza have historically had the worst luck, poor Barkus might be posing down with them on that Olympia stage in the sky soon.
Chip Younger
Chip's on a roll, having just place very high at the Olympia, and having won another major contest. The best thing about it is that this kid is only 28 years old. But wait, there's more. Chip looks a good deal older, as you may expect, and also sports one of the least healthy-looking faces in the iron game. Swollen and red, he has the jutting brow and jaw of a caveman, something that has become more pronounced over the past few years.
I can't say what his drug regimen may consist of, as previous Dead Pool writers have had closer access to that gossip, but riddle me this. Chip is only 5' 9". His off-season weight is a pretty hard 300 pounds, and he competes at 265 with all the water sucked out. What amounts of anabolics would it take to support that much muscle? Those of us who dabble in performance-enhancing drugs have a good idea. The steroid dose for someone at that size would be around 3-6 grams per week, plus all the extras, like GH, insulin, and T3 and clenbuterol as a contest nears. Chip has done incredibly well for such a young man, but is probably gambling with his life span in the process.
Leif Lingveldsen
Oh, these wacky Europeans. Leif is from the Viking homeland of Norway, and appears to be one of those foolhardy few who will take any amount of steroids they can get their hands on to get to the top. At 5' 8", "Glutezilla," as he's known for his striated ass, competes at 255 and gets up to 300 pounds in the off-season. His face is bloated even when in contest condition, and the rest of the year looks like a big red sausage. Leif is also just 27 years old, but may have the liver and kidney function of someone twice his age. I know there is nothing healthy about pro bodybuilding, but I would hate to see this nice young kid get sick or worse.
Doug Oldblood
Okay, I can kinda' understand why these young guys would be such kamikazes with their drug use. After all, they're trying to make a living (however slim the chances of that) at this flex-for-pay thing. But why on earth would a guy pushing fifty, with a successful trucking business, a wife and kids, do the same? Doug shocked everybody in 2001 by showing up at the Master's Olympia looking positively gnarly — thick and shredded at 5' 10", 240.
An argument could even be made that he should have beaten Vince Taylor. But holy smokes, if the body doesn't cry out rampant steroid abuse, the face does. Doug has that common Neanderthal GH brow and cheekbones, plus the beet-red face and disappearing hairline. If he did indeed overdo the drugs, you have to wonder why he's subjecting his aging body to the chemical cocktail it would most likely take to look like this. After all, the prize money for winning the Master's O is probably what he pulls in every week from his business.
Carl Matumbo
Still chugging along, this New Yorker has become the poster boy for anabolic excess. With the deformed facial features you'd expect to see on a villain in one of the latest computer-animated flicks from Dreamworks, Carl makes no secrets about his steroid abuse — not that he could with a mug and receding hairline like he has anyway.
Matumbo also has the big pregnant belly, and now writes a column in Muscular Development called, appropriately enough, "The Anabolic Freak." Hard and vascular at 5' 9", 280 pounds, Carl seems to have never met a drug he didn't like. He writes with authority on using all manners of steroids, GH, insulin, and even the dreaded Synthol.
His face and body may be a walking nightmare, but he has nonetheless endeared himself to the devoted cult of wannabe freaks. Since Carl nearly completed medical school, it's safe to say he certainly knows what he's doing compared to the average juicehead. But as safe as he thinks he's playing it, I doubt that he can be destined to die an old man in a rocking chair. My guess is more likely that he'll die a very big man before his time, and good luck finding a casket big enough for that mongo carcass.
Muscles Jackson
I was ready to take this guy off the list for this year, but he put himself back on. After well-publicized health problems with his kidneys and more recently colitis, Muscles had announced his retirement from bodybuilding and swore up and down he would never use steroids again. He even showed up at the 2001 Olympia looking lean, clean, and healthy. Then a funny thing happened. The supplement company that had been sending a regular paycheck dropped him from his contract. Uh oh, how to afford the fancy cars and beautiful home, not to mention support his bodacious little wife and four children? Just as Al Pacino's Michael Corleone character reverted to his mob boss lifestyle in Godfather III ("They just keep pulling me back in!"), Muscles knew of no other way to make a living than to return to the IFBB. Now he's slated to compete in the 2002 Olympia.
Despite several sincere plans announced on his web site last year that he intended to make a statement and do it naturally, I doubt he'll follow through. Natural guys, if they make it to the Olympia, can expect to place right around dead last, and the cash prize for that is the big donut — nothing. Muscles needs cash and has been as high as second place at the O before, so don't be overly shocked if he says to hell with his health and comes in properly jacked-up.
If I'm wrong, I'll be glad and I'll be the first to apologize.
The Chief
The last man to make the 2002 Dead Pool is the top bodybuilder in the world right now. When the Chief first competed as a pro back in 1992, he was about 215 pounds soaking wet at 5' 11". Around '96 or so he started to really expand, and now he's so ridiculously huge (265 in contest shape, 315 off-season) that no bodybuilder alive can hope to beat him. His stomach, once tight and small, is now so bloated that he can't even suck it in. I believe that he can keep on winning the Olympia unless he suffers an injury or serious health problem, but the odds of that are actually fairly high.
Off the Dead Pool list — Congratulations
It's always my pleasure to remove bodybuilders from this list whenever they demonstrate either a sudden concern for their health, or otherwise suggest that they have what can only be described as an immunity from serious health problems, possibly some form of super power like Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable.
First up is Kevin Levrone, who was on the first Dead Pool and seemed for a few years to have a devil-may-care attitude about his steroid use. At the 2001 Olympia, we learned that Kevin only trained three months for the show, spending the remainder of the year at a drug-free weight of 220 versus his customary 270-280 at 5-9. Presumably, he got on a cycle just long enough to be able to compete at around 235, nearly twenty pounds lighter than what he has been in the past. And since he was smaller, it makes sense that he's far more conservative with the types and amounts of performance-enhancing drugs he uses. Bravo, Mr. Full Blown! May you live long and prosper. Since both his parents died of cancer, I think he's making a very smart move by not tempting the odds.
Our other IFBB pro to leave the list is Lee Priest, who's been practically a fixture in the pool until now. Interviews with Lee have consistently discussed his drug use, which is almost laughably light compared to many of his fellow pro's. Though many of us wanted to attribute his incredible muscle thickness to insane drug cycles, it seems that very heavy, hard training coupled with extremely gifted genetics are more likely responsible.
And how about this? In 2000, the diminutive Aussie was diagnosed with a left ventricle that was operating at sub-par efficiency. After days of inconclusive and contradictory rest results, he checked out of the hospital and drove to his gym, where he proceeded to knock out 20 reps in the leg press with 1,000 pounds to test his mortality. Not only did he survive this, but he has since gone on to win his first of what will hopefully be several IFBB events. It was nice having you in the Pool, Lee, but it's much better to have you off the list!
Well, that's our Dead Pool for this year. Expect some very angry letters to appear in Reader Mail from some of these guys who'll swear up and down that they're not taking unnecessary risks with their health. Who are they fooling? Reasonable doses of steroids over moderate periods are remarkably safe, but the insane amounts of drugs these guys pump in virtually year-round can't possibly be good for their internal organs. It's unfortunate that the standards for physique competition have progressed to the point where athletes need to risk their lives to be competitive, but that's where we are in 2002.
For those of you who'll never even compete, much less for prize money or publicity, be cautious. Our time on this earth is short enough without us engaging in practices that can curtail it even further. I doubt any man on his deathbed at age 45 or 50 would agree that being a big muscle freak was worth losing twenty years off the tail end of life. Take care, exercise moderation, have regular check-ups and blood work done, and for God's sake think of those who love you before you decide to use massive doses of bodybuilding drugs.
Many of the men on the list will probably never stop what they're doing unless they are forced to. Don't you follow in their footsteps
