Who are htese people??

[Ranger]

Been out of town for a bit folks, but back in da saddle once again...a little humor from Ole Ranger for da weekend...Enjoy



They're in every gym

Well, my training partner Stretch Swanson and I were talking today about the gym members. They're everywhere, and you see them at every gym you visit, join, or workout in. They have had the desire to follow Stretch and I, everywhere we go.

Let's take a look, shall we...

STEVE STICKFIGURE- Steve goes from gym to gym, and has the remarkable ability to let everyone in the gym know how GREAT his body is. He wears all the latest bodybuilding clothes Crazeewear, Otomix, etc. Steve knows more than anyone about training, and is more than happy to share his knowledge. Of course this generally happens when you're in the middle of a rep. It's to bad Steve weighs 135lbs. cell phone, and gold chains included.

THE PEC-DECK POSSE- They generally move in groups of five, so beware!! No one knows for sure how many teams there are, but they run from gym to gym surrounding the pec-deck machine. A word of caution, DO NOT try to enter their circle!! It's a shame they cannot bench their own body weight.

CARLA COROLLA- Carla is quite the ledgend! No one has bigger balls than Carla when it comes to wearing spandex to smooth out cellulite. You can recognize her by the 1/2 inch of cake she wears on her face to smooth out the divots. Carla's name comes from the famous Toyota Corolla than runs forever, and Carla runs from one gym to the next...forever!

ANNA DROL- Anna is the chick that looks like Chyna, benches more than half the dudes in the gym, and has sexual organs longer than a footlong hot dog. Her voice sounds like Tone Loc when she asks for a spot, and stretch marks accross her pecs that would rival the hardest core lifter. After her workout, she disappears in the locker room, only to emerge looking like a monkey wearing a mini skirt...Stretch really digs this chick!

BILL FLOODGATE- Nerdy looking clown, headphones, popular science magazines, I'm sure you've seen him. Fifteen minutes into his workout, he leaves a puddle of sweat on everything he touches. Towels will not work on Bill, so use caution when approaching him!

RANDY RATCHETJAW- This Bozo never works out, stays in the gym for three hours, greets everyone like he's known them for life, and constantly spews forth babble from that wadgobbling hole under his nose. Randy is easy to overcome, a simple slap usually will suffice, but the best method is to inform him that Bill Floodgate needs a spot...Heh heh heh!

LITTLE COUSIN BOBBY- This is the slightly(mentally) challenged guy who works the front desk. Bobby is VERY intense, and generally foams at the mouth when you forget your membership card. DO NOT make Bobby mad!

AUNT BEE- Aqua Net hairdo, leaves a waif of perfume vapor that lingers for three days, sits on a machine for 1 hour showing pictures of her grandchild Opie that looks like the missing link. I know you've seen her....Never discuss a recipe with this broad!!

THE BENCH BUNCH- I don't need to go into this to much. They are three guys who hog the bench, never do legs, and will pile on three times the weight they can actually bench. Their reps consist of the bar dropping at a rapid rate to their chest, while the other two pop blood vessels in their heads to get the bar back up. Once the rep is complete, there are high fives all the way around. Indented chests, and hockey stick legs identify these clowns!

CANDY CARDIOBUNNY- The absolute treadmill wonder of the gym. One solid hour at warp speed for this chick, and all without a rest. Never lifts weights because she doesn't want to look " Bulky " . Candy can be identified simply because she looks as though she could hang glide from a Dorito Chip!

BEN BACKINTHEDAY- Ben's a hoot. He comes up with long lost exercises, and training methods that have been locked away in the pyramids. Poor Ben suffers from ELS, a very rare disorder for which there is no cure. Around the gym it's known as Exageratted Lat Syndrom, which forces the afflicted to walk around bellowing while the arms are extended at 45 degree angles giving the impression of huge, Coleman-like lats. Wide-grip chins have been reported to reduce the effects of this grossly deforming disease.

BUNNY SPANDEX- Gotta love Bunny. She has the unearthly ability to stop workouts, make older men act 18, and has an ass that could crack walnuts whole! She wears the latest " Show me everything " attire, blonde hair, perky breasts, and has a following that would rival Jesus at the gym. Generally accompanied by Arnold Roidhead, so beware!

ARNOLD ROIDHEAD- No gym is complete without a few Arnolds around. Most of the time, the biggest, loudest, and most obnoxious guy there. He has a following of slaves that worship his every move and slobber over him and his bulging roidgut. Careful with Arnold though, he will swell up to imense proportions when Bunny Spandex walks in, and it's best not to make eye contact with him or her until she leaves. Arnold must see a doctor at least once per month to have new parts placed in his head to maintain bodily functions.

GARY GOATFARMER- Gary is one of the most hated guys in the gym. Comes in straight off the farm, goatshit splattered boots, dirty jeans, and removes his flannel shirt down to a yellow-stained tee shirt to work out in. Gary can simply clear a room by his presence alone. There is no known defense for Gary, but it has been reputed that soap may reduce the after burner qualities he has!

WILLIE WIFEBEATER- They travel in groups of 2 to 12. Pants straight from MC Hammer's wardrobe with ground dragging crotch. White wifebeater shirts, pasty white skin, hats turned backwards, and at least 10 body peircings spread out all over their 110lb. bodies. Their function at the gym remains uknown at this point.

LARRY LOCKERROOM- Most of the time Larry is in his 70's or 80's at least, no one knows for sure. Larry, after his workout, likes to spend at least an hour in the locker room naked, prancing around with elephant like wrinkles, and more chins than a Chinese Resturant. He will use the blow dryer to dry private parts of his body, and feels no shame at striking up a conversation with you at this point in time. I think my training partner Stretch has the best cure for this. He calls it ABC!! Absolute Bowel Control, as he puts it, his squat hardned ass doesn't hit procelin until Larry has cleared the locker room. I feel this is sound advice and should be followed at all times.

FRED FITNESSTRAINER- Fred has all the certifications, and has passed all the written requirements, he just seemed to forget the physical ones. Usually can be seen with 2 to 3 others built like him, and can be heard telling them what everyone is doing wrong. This of course is bewteen bites from his Twinkies while proclaiming he is bulking for some non-existent powerlifting meet he has been training for, for the last 12 years. Need training? Submit application to Stretch or myself, photo's must be included.

JIMMY CHIA-PET- Jimmy can make the most hard core lifters shudder! He seems normal when he walks in and heads to the locker room, but what exits is straight from the jungles of Bangledash!! Very tight onion-skin running shorts left over from the mid 80's, and nipple showing lifting tee's straight from any hard core BB magazine, and with no socks or shoes, Jimmy is awe inspiring!! He has thick, gorilla-coarse hair that covers every inch of his troll like body, it actually grows up his neck, though generally clean shaved, it's still a very scary site. If you've never seen Jimmy at your gym, see the movie Lord of the Rings, he had several parts in that flick I've been told. I cannot bring myself to see it at this point.

GREG GORILLABOY- Greg works out alone, and is the oppisite of the Benchbunch gang. Greg has very short legs, but his arms drag the gound. Greg can be identified by the roller skates he wears on his hands so his knuckles won't scrape the carpet. Never does bench, he just squats. All of Greg's pants must be special ordered from K-mart.

THE GERBIL- " SHUDDER " I'd rather not go into this, but he's the guy that hides back in the corner watching all the big guys pound iron. Looks like Hannible Lecter, and talks with a lisp. Never make eye contact with him, act like he's not there. Avoid at all costs unless you want a 6 foot by 3 foot plot of ground in his back yard!!

SALLY SPREADLEGS- She comes to the gym to pick up Iron Brothers. Never works out, and can ruin a good workout with one Pall Mall voiced sentence. Has the IQ of a cricket, and can be identified when leaving by the eight children she has in tow. Avoid at all costs, or your gym carrer is over!

KENNY KNOWSTHEMALL- Kenny knows everyone, and he's the GREATEST! If you don't believe him, just ask him. His advice starts out with, " Ronnie told me " or the famous, " Flex has said many times " and lest we not forget " King Kamali and I did " These types generally cannot distinguish between fantasy land and the real gym. It's also a known fact they cannot enter any bodybuilding function due to the pending stalking charges. Depending on your physique level, you may wish to avoid, usually gives sound advice to Arnold Roidhead.

MARK MrO- Marks been training for the Mr. O for many years, very much like Stretch and myself. And Mark is the first to let you know he's going this year, of course we did as well, but our tickets had better seats than his did. Harmless, but can be irritating.

PETER POPAZIT- This gym wonder forgot side effects of steroids and has a roadmap atlas of zits accross his back and chest. He gets his name due to the popping noise his zits make when doing heavy bench and bent over rows...For safety reasons, you should wear goggles when working around Peter!

CARLY CAMELTOE- Carly is AMAZING!! Straight off the treadmill, nice sweat going on, and straight to the weight room for the intense workout protion of her day. Face down on the leg curl machine, tight shorts, up the legs go......Need I say more? Heh heh heh....Although Stretch and I enjoy her presence very much I must add!!

HARLOD HOCKEYSTICKS- The upper body wonder of the gym scene people. Upper body is flawlees in every respect, and actually seems to be a nice guy in a way. Wears nice baggies to workout in, decent shoes, good form, what else could you want. When you see him at the beach is when the shock sets in, Harold never works legs, and in the tight swim suit he's wearing his legs look like hockey sticks, or perhaps he's riding a chicken...Stretch and I are undecided at thias point though.

THE HALF-REP GURUGODS- A must for every gym, and not complete without them. Most of the time huddled around the squat rack with 5 plates on each side. The noise they emit from their pie holes is staggering and done to ensure everyone will pause to watch the enormous feat coming up! I must admit Stretch and I have fallen victim to them at least once or twice. The first of the group bangs head off the bar until blood flows from his forehead(a hardcore habit), unracks the bar emitting a Tarzan like scream, lowers 4 inches into a squat, then stands erect once again to complete the awe inspiring rep. We are generally left dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity of this act, yet they precieve it to be God-Like looks of worship...Ignore them and move on!

HAL HALITOSIS- AVOID at all costs. Hal's diet consists of shitburgers for every meal, and his breath reeks of their after effects. If you're caught unaware and he starts a conversation with you, Stretch has the best advice. Take deep breath, turn face to the side, and close one eye, as Stretch puts it, " It's better to be blind in one eye than both eyes! " Truly a nightmare.

Did I miss anyone...?? Lemme know to be safe...

Ranger

[Canes4Ever]

Best laugh in a long time....do I have permission to repost this someplace else if I give you the credit?

[Ranger]

Hell...I don't care...Enjoy...

Ranger

[Canes4Ever]

Originally posted by Ranger
Hell...I don't care...Enjoy...

Ranger

Thanks dude, for any of you that do the UseNet groups you may see it there....this is a KEEPER....totally funny and truthful.

[The Iron Game]

some funny shit

[rocklizard]

Yeah bro. . .in 20+ years I've seen every one of them and a few more like "The Air-Lat Kid". . . walks around with his arms spread out from his body like his lats are keeping them from touching his body when in reality. . .he has no lats at all! What is with some of these folks.

The best gym I have ever been in was around Fort Devens, Massachusetts in winter of 1985. The building was built in the 1700's, brick, no carpet, no heat, loud rock music, and a bunch of great big ironhead fuckers getting it on. Serious training was the order of the day and everyone was extremely friendly. Being from Texas I was surprised those Yankee bros accepted me, but I even got invited to some of their homes for dinner the month I was there.

No one was pretentious. . .they just "blasted iron."

[Psycoswole]

Enjoyed that Ranger

[CYCLEON]

[dane26]

that's funny. every gym has them

[TITANS]

Looks just like my gym. Get in, Workout or get the f**k out of my way.

[XBiker]

Originally posted by Ranger
Been out of town for a bit folks, but back in da saddle once again...a little humor from Ole Ranger for da weekend...Enjoy



CARLY CAMELTOE- Carly is AMAZING!! Straight off the treadmill, nice sweat going on, and straight to the weight room for the intense workout protion of her day. Face down on the leg curl machine, tight shorts, up the legs go......Need I say more? Heh heh heh....Although Stretch and I enjoy her presence very much I must add!!

[...]

Did I miss anyone...?? Lemme know to be safe...

Ranger

We have a "Hannah Hotpocket" at the Gold's that I lift at. Her favorite exercise must be single-arm dumbbell rows. This girl can ruin my workout with her spandex covered hot pocket winking at me as I try to lift... Not that I mind, but it just kills my concentration.

[little-man-zane]

bro that was great....
but yeah you did miss one....

Sally horseshoe- this beast is very similar to carly cameltoe except at the least...80 years older...we have all seen her at our gyms and she can't be missed. You can recognize her by the minute she walks in with what seems to look like a normal outfit for an 85 year old. Until she strikes...ahhhhh.... she comes bounding out of the locker room at 2 km/hr ... towel and all... this beauty(in her day) has transformed herslef into a 19 year old???? No... wait it's just her outfit...along with no underwear.....need i say more....the only know defense for sally is to have prunes near the door... because this is know to be their main source of intake.

[Boston]

LMAO

[RON]

Classic Bro LMAO

[EXCESS]

There's even more of them this time of year.

[max_intensity]

bump! great post man

[iron4life79]

another great post from the ranger...this is some very true, and very funny stuff..........



peace bb79

[Ranger]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets a kick out of the New Year Resoultioner's...Heh heh heh

Ranger

[rocklizard]

LMAO. . . You guys are killing me Makes me really appreciate the gym I have built in my home.

I haven't had to put up with all of those folks for about 2 years now, but it may be worth me buying a local membership to just visit the zoo once in awhile.

I am tempted to fly over to Florida and visit XBiker just to see his "Hannah Hotpocket!?"

[Canes4Ever]

Robert Dorf posted this on a similar thread of misc.fitness.weights in Jan 2000 :

__________________________________________________
My gym tends to be filled with different types;

The drunk old crazy guy; Gibbering to himself, covered in filth, eating his own tonail clippings, curling in the squat rack. There's no end to his perversions!

Superheroes; Skin tight spandex showing off disgustingly perfect bodies, flying here and there like giant mosquitoes, throwing lightning bolts at each other and saving the world between sets. I hate these guys!

Classic Holywood Monsters; Moving slowly through the gym, shot in grainy black and white, tormented by Abbot and Costello, dropping the plates. Creepy.

Jehovah's Witnesses; Neatly dressed in cheap suits, depressingly cheerfull and sincere, always trying to give out copies of Watchtower between endless sets of arm curls.

Mike Lane; Dozens of him, milling around and crowding the other trainees, being hit on by wide eyed teen boys, insisting that they're straight now, wearing unconvincing fake mustaches and pretending to be other people. They're almost as annoying as the Superheroes!

Of course, maybe that's just my gym.

-Robert "I want a nice cup of coffee" Dorf

[little-man-zane]

yeah also there's.....

newyears resolution boy- Usally these thought to be myths travel in packs of 3-7... they are noticable by either weighing in at 125 or 251(fat)... they do there one bodypart consisting of a set of barbell curls... with no thought that it is an arm exercise and not a lower back one... stop cheating....lol.... anyhow these great obstacles of the new year are usally out of your hair between 3 to 6 weeks in... but don't worry they only group together to do this rare ritual every 6-8 days.

[stevie]

here's one for the current time

NewYear's Ned - General out-of-shape bum who seems to go into hibernation 11 months of the year, and immerges wearing the same clothes every Janurary 2nd. He then enters the gym after purchasing yet another Annual membership, because he knows "this year is the year." Just as strange, he seems to disappear back into hibernation without saying a word on February 1st, not to be seen again for 11 months.

[stevie]

haha little-man-zane, looks like great minds think alike.. at the same time too!!

[little-man-zane]

LMAO.... true.... i guess we've witnessed ned and the boys recently and decided to write about it?

[Terinox]

ROFL !!!

Some of the funniest shit I've ever read!!! But you just know that when you first started, you were pretty close matches to many of those people yourselfs !!!

Terinox

[Ranger]

I know....heh heh heh....and that's the funny part....BUT, still scary in a way....<wink>

Ranger

[little-man-zane]

yeah ....lol....

My name would be skinny_ know_ it _all _zane: this guy is a freak about frank and wants to be just like him...not only does he think he knows it all but acts like it too. With arms a pumped 10 inches he struts around until one day got beaten with the knowledge stick and smarten the fu** up!hehe

[manijak]

hehehehe I just thought I should bring this thread back to life....

[blazenbell]

how about SAM SENIORSITIZEN....the old guys that come to the gym smelling like ass and wearing those headbands and long tube socks......

the ones i hate the most is the older guys that are big but they are so abnoxios(sp) and loud its disgusting

[TheMudMan]

some funny stuff

[50%Natural]

I see everyone of these people in the gym. Its so true. Didn't know there was a classification system for them though.

[New GearGuy]

Lmfao!

[New GearGuy]

Has anyone ran into Steve Spitz??

This is the guy who like to spot everyones benchs and yell inspirational sayings to get you to perform, as he proceeds to drown you in spit , sweat and little pieces of chicken breast and brocolli he had leftover from his last meal. Avoid at all cost or wear a poncho when you bench.

[LightWeightBaby]

Thats classic

[pumpseeker]

Never saw this before...LMAO because it's so true

[wood]

Great post! LOL! I'm going to have to print this out and show it to my bros

[hawk9603]

haha good read

[Shortyrock13]

This shit is hilarious. Great laugh.

[BigMike J]

lmfao @ fred spitz , thats funny shit

[Anibolism]

That was some funny shit.. Don't forget "Mr. i'm just getting back into the gym" I see him everywhere I go and he always is just getting back in the gym after some rediculous reason he has been out.