Thread: Funny Article about Atkins diet
11-07-2004, 03:18 PM #1
Funny Article about Atkins diet
I'm doing the Fatkins diet. (Bing!: While You Were Out)(satirical look at dieting) Stanley Bing.
Full Text: COPYRIGHT 2004 Time, Inc.
Byline: Stanley Bing
Everywhere you go these days, people are doing two things: getting fatter and dieting. One can only conclude that the more one diets, the fatter one gets. Now we hear of a brand-new regimen that may break that tragic chain. And as a service to you, I'm testing it out.
It's called the Fatkins Diet--it's Atkins plus carbs. It uses the very best insight available to us in modern dietary science. It's easy to live with. And best of all, it works at least as well as any other diet I've ever been on, enabling the practitioner to lose a significant amount of avoirdupois and then, slowly and inexorably, gain it all back until one achieves the optimal weight to begin the diet all over again.
Step One: Self-Awareness. As with any sensible diet, we begin with an assessment of our situation. For men that means taking a look at what your neck size is and what notch of your belt gets the most action. If more of your neck is outside your collar than in, it's time to go Fatkins. Women may regard their shoe size. Do the tops of your insteps spill over onto the sides of your footwear? Fatkins.
Step Two: Hit the Meat Bar. The Atkins Diet, which kept Dr. Atkins lean and mean (presumably even still, now that he's dead), is based on simple nutritional concepts, and it really works. First, as anyone who has not been on a Russian farm eating nothing but potatoes knows, protein is good and carbohydrates are bad. Fruits and vegetables are bad--they're loaded with stinky carbs. Distilled beverages and big, greasy hunks of cholesterol-loaded meats, however, may be taken in any quantity, no matter how outlandish. That leads to some odd conclusions that nevertheless pay off big in weight loss immediately. A small glass of orange juice is your enemy, for instance; a gallon of vodka, gin, or scotch is your friend. This may produce interesting results behavior-wise, particularly in the morning.
An Atkins day might look something like this.
Breakfast: Six eggs, two pounds of bacon, one large glass of Stoli. Net carbs: 0 grams.
Lunch: 48-ounce T-bone, lettuce wedge, bleu-cheese dressing, two bottles of Bombay Sapphire, six Tic-Tacs. Net carbs: two grams (from the Tic-Tacs).
Dinner: Eight pounds of cheese, six lambchops, one bottle Glenfiddich, one cigar. Net carbs: 0 grams.
Late night snack: Two eggs over easy, one six-pound ham. Large martini. Net carbs: 0.5 grams (from the olive).
The next morning you wake up a couple of pounds lighter but with a strange feeling in your head. That's the problem with Atkins. After several weeks on the diet, in which you bore everybody in the world to big, heaving tears with descriptions of what you ate that day, you're slimmer and, at the same time, feel like killing yourself or somebody else, possibly not in that order.
Of course, as Atkins goes on, one may introduce certain vegetables and crustaceae, which were denied you in the early going, while you were fooling your body into eating itself from the inside in search of carbs. Spinach, for example. Shrimp with globs of mayo, also. Eat hearty! Just stay away from fruits and juices, and keep up the heavy consumption of alcohol, except beer, unless you can drink the stuff that looks like beer but tastes like Alka Seltzer.
Step Three: True Fatkins. You're now on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The sight of bacon and eggs makes you want to run screaming naked through the salad bar, grabbing handfuls of verboten vegetables as you go.
Now it's time to introduce the dimension that I believe, with due modesty, I might have invented--selective carbohydrates in massive doses, taken while standing when no one is looking. The idea is to interject certain dietary events between meals: short, intense eating activities done in private--in a virtually parallel universe of ingestive behavior. Assume the existence of all the meals we discuss above, and simply add the following:
Post-breakfast--Two Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
Post-lunch--One low-carb candy bar. These come in a variety of inedible flavors and consistencies. My favorite has the feel of fine, hardening creosote and the subtle taste of mud.
Evening snacks--More "candy" bars, nuts, and some kind of flatbread, peanut butter--but no jelly. Jelly is bad!
With, of course, all meals taken as before. You don't want to fall off Atkins.
I'm about four weeks into Fatkins, and by Labor Day my neck should be back to 17 inches, my belt shrinking around my proud, swelling midsection. Then it's off to the store for some suits in time for fall.
There is a great and majestic rhythm to life, is there not?
Stanley Bing is an executive at a FORTUNE 500 company he'd rather not name. He is the author of two recent books: The Big Bing, a collection of essays, and You Look Nice Today, a novel. He can be reached at email@example.com.
It's Atkins plus selective carbs in massive doses, taken while standing when no one is looking.
11-07-2004, 05:20 PM #2Anabolic Member
The Atkins Diet, which kept Dr. Atkins lean and mean (presumably even still, now that he's dead),
- Join Date
- Jan 2003
- under some plywood sheets
11-07-2004, 06:19 PM #3
11-07-2004, 07:40 PM #4
I was diagnosed with ocd in the summer of 2003. (OCD is opsessive compulsive disorder). At the time I weighed 175, followed a healthy diet and was very happy with my body(health and mentally). Then they gave me paxil. In 6 months, on basically the same diet I gained 60 lbs. I was pissed. So, with that much wait gain, I was willing to try anything, I went on the atkins diet. I lost 25 lbs in a month. But as soon as I went back to eating my healthy diet, I ganined back 20 lbs. Atkins is short term and the outcome of your health is questionable.
11-08-2004, 06:31 PM #5
11-10-2004, 12:00 AM #6
My favorite part is:
"Late night snack: Two eggs over easy, one six-pound ham. Large martini. Net carbs: 0.5 grams (from the olive). "
11-10-2004, 12:39 AM #7Originally Posted by spideyone
On Atkins you do eat carbs, fruits, and vegetables. If people read the book instead of talking out their ass and making themselves look stupid they would know that.
Done correctly it:
Lowers blood pressure
You don't do it for a month and quit. You go through the phases and the weight stays off and at the same time your risk of dieing from the two biggest killers in this country, gets lower. Heart disease and diabeties.
Also drinking is a big no-no.
11-10-2004, 06:16 AM #8AR Hall of Fame
- Join Date
- Dec 2002
Be careful of who you ridicule here by calling names. (ass/stupid)
You will not last long.
BTW, Atkins is a joke. It was a mere STEP in the right direction regarding controlling insulin in those who have insulin sensitivity issues, but it's a very poor plan overall.
Originally Posted by Peanut Butter
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