Anabolics
Search More Than 6,000,000 Posts
Results 1 to 20 of 20
  1. #1
    Tock's Avatar
    Tock is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Fort Worth
    Posts
    7,103

    Girl has trouble keeping feet on the ground

    EAP: Sydney 25 Nov 2004. 11 year old Petersham schoolgirl Lisa Hemmings isn't as sure footed as she used to be but evangelicals are excited that Lisa's problems may be a sign of things to come. Lisa has episodes of levitating a couple of inches above the ground. "I may be walking along the street when suddenly my foot can not find the path and I am moving my feet through thin air. It's like I'm in space trying to move by waving my arms and legs. It happens when I pray at church. Typically I rise about 1/2 an inch above the pew but kneeling is most comfortable now when my knees do not touch the floor. I can now make myself levitate just by thinking about Jesus". But members of the Petersham Baptist Church where Lisa's family worships have interpreted Lisa's as a subtle prerapture tremor before the big rapture quake.

    Says Lisa, "The first time it happened I was walking with some friends along New Canterbury Road near the corner of Livingston Road and I screamed. Everyone on the street turned around and looked but there was Marcia next to me dumbfounded mouth wide open just looking at my feet swinging back and forth 2 inches above the ground". According to Lisa who no longer wear dresses the episodes started on the Friday before the reelection of the Howard Liberal government and have become more frequent since the reelection of Bush. This has been met with great excitement as a sign that Jesus is moving national and international politics in accordance to his divine plan. Mr David Davies, pastor of the Petersham Baptist believes that all the signs point to these being the last days. "God will carry Bush and his program of fighting the Antichrist and he will then carry all of us to his kingdom" according to Davies.

    Davies also knows that Osama Bin Laden is the Antichrist. He concluded this by talking to Lisa who is full of the holy spirit. "According to her she can only cut a levitating episode short by thinking of Osama because then she starts to feel heavy with his wickedness and thoughts of anyone else do not have the same effect on her", says Davies. He continues, "Jesus will throw the Antichrist into his lake of fire and all will rise as he sinks. A fire lit by Bush - hallelujah".

    Lisa takes her saviour very seriously and has been called the most perfect child in the world. Her mother can not recall even one discipline episode. She has the most perfect angel voice and she sings regularly in church choirs. Last Saturday she was invited to sing at a Hillsong Church service before 20,000 people during which she felt very light and was visibly seen to rise about 3 inches for a full minute. Angels were seen to be whizzing around crowd and overhead of Lisa. This particular levitation was of a record time although not a record height. That happened in Casserly Park in Stanmore where she was seen to rise 1 foot for a shorter time.

    According to Davies, Lisa is full of the holy spirit and it is the force of this spirit that will become stronger than the force of gravity. "It is working first on the most pure but will eventually raise all Christians up to the lord for the hereafter. The flipping point is near. It will be like a flipping of the poles and those weighed down with their wicked ways will be left behind", says Davies. ews of the light uplifting spirit present in Lisa has caused attendance at the Baptist Church to overflow onto The Boulevarde and around the Hunter Street corner.

    What is Lisa's advice? Be prepared for the rapture and pray to Jesus. Pastor Davies has advised all female members of the congregation to not wear dresses anymore in case of rapture, in case they have the same uplifting experience as Lisa.

  2. #2
    Kärnfysikern's Avatar
    Kärnfysikern is offline Retired: AR-Hall of Famer
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    Scotty, beam me up
    Posts
    14,223
    I realy hope this is true then all the religios nutcases(I dont mean your everyday christian, muslim or jew now just the fanatics. So dont take this as a insult)will float away and leave all the resonable people here on earth

  3. #3
    Cycleon is offline AR-Hall of Famer / Retired
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Wherever necessary
    Posts
    8,159
    Man, those Sydney people really need to get out a little bit

  4. #4
    Juggernaut's Avatar
    Juggernaut is offline AR Jester
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    FL
    Posts
    6,545
    This can mean only one thing...my penis is holy...when I think of women....it levitates. It's so bad I have to beat it down numerous times. hahahahahahaha

  5. #5
    hung-solo's Avatar
    hung-solo is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    HEELS 2005!!
    Posts
    3,977
    Quote Originally Posted by Juggernaut
    This can mean only one thing...my penis is holy...when I think of women....it levitates. It's so bad I have to beat it down numerous times. hahahahahahaha
    i too have this problem. i must be blessed as well!!

  6. #6
    Anhydro78's Avatar
    Anhydro78 is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    2,439
    If this story is even true. This would not appear to be by the power of God. I would be intrested in knowing what type of church she attends or what website you got this off of.

  7. #7
    AandF6969's Avatar
    AandF6969 is offline Made Up Of Wires
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    5,387
    gonna have to call BS on this one

  8. #8
    max2extreme's Avatar
    max2extreme is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Posts
    2,982
    i did a search on the girls name and couldnt find anything. I found some on the church but nothing outrageous. It was just a quick search, nothing in depth.

  9. #9
    Tock's Avatar
    Tock is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Fort Worth
    Posts
    7,103
    Ok, you got me on this . . . I was just pulling y'all's legs . . .
    I got it from the atheist newsgroup on Usenet. Some guy there writes these stories up, and sometimes they migrate from the Usenet to urban legends, make the rounds on TV news reports, too.

    This tale got posted at
    http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Crater/1161/jesus.htm
    and was broadcast on TV (so I'm told):

    ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after
    leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best
    described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. Thirteen
    other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from
    people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced
    that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up
    into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she
    claimed was Jesus.

    "She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of
    the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everett
    Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced
    dead at the scene. "I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I
    stopped," Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was
    convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on
    to say.

    "This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the
    force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison
    questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was
    dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when
    the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released
    twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the
    air.

    Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his
    friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into
    the air in frustration, and said, "Come back here," just as the
    Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus
    lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her
    husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else. When
    asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied, "This
    is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to
    happen."



    It's kinda funny because after you read a few entries from the Darwin Awards http://www.darwinawards.com/ you realize that there are lots of people out there who are abundantly capable of craziness like this, and lots of churches that resemble the Landover Baptist Church www.landoverbaptist.org/

    Ya, this is a weird f'in planet . . .

    -Tock

  10. #10
    max2extreme's Avatar
    max2extreme is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Posts
    2,982
    Can I call BS on all of your posts then??

  11. #11
    Tock's Avatar
    Tock is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Fort Worth
    Posts
    7,103
    I 'fess up to my BS posts . . . so far, this is the only one . . .

  12. #12
    BOUNCER is offline Retired Vet
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    IRELAND.
    Posts
    7,772
    Quote Originally Posted by Juggernaut
    This can mean only one thing...my penis is holy...when I think of women....it levitates. It's so bad I have to beat it down numerous times. hahahahahahaha
    If this is true, I'm going straight to hell. No matter how many times I tie my penis around my neck like a scarf, it keeps coming loose and dragging along the ground!.

  13. #13
    Juggernaut's Avatar
    Juggernaut is offline AR Jester
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    FL
    Posts
    6,545
    Quote Originally Posted by BOUNCER
    If this is true, I'm going straight to hell. No matter how many times I tie my penis around my neck like a scarf, it keeps coming loose and dragging along the ground!.
    You think that's bad? There was this really hot woman I'd been trying to take out for a long time and finally she relented to my constant pick-up lines and agreeded. Which was great news but I had a slight problem............I would pop a woody each and everytime I saw her. I didn't want to knock on her door sporting wood, the date would be over before it began. So I taped it to my leg with some duct tape..........everything was perfect up until she opened the door in this tenny-tinny poka dotted see through dress......I kicked her in the face! I swear this is a totally untrue story. hahahahaha

  14. #14
    Pale Horse's Avatar
    Pale Horse is offline F.I.L.F.
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    ACLU headquarters
    Posts
    6,425
    Okay....even I have problems with this one. Can you say full frontal labotomy? Let's see some footage of this flying nun!

  15. #15
    Pale Horse's Avatar
    Pale Horse is offline F.I.L.F.
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    ACLU headquarters
    Posts
    6,425
    crap Tock I just saw your last post!

  16. #16
    Tock's Avatar
    Tock is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Fort Worth
    Posts
    7,103
    Quote Originally Posted by 1victor
    crap Tock I just saw your last post!
    Huh . . . should I delete it?

  17. #17
    Pale Horse's Avatar
    Pale Horse is offline F.I.L.F.
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    ACLU headquarters
    Posts
    6,425
    no I didn't rad it thoroughly and you got me with the hook!

  18. #18
    Tock's Avatar
    Tock is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Fort Worth
    Posts
    7,103
    Quote Originally Posted by 1victor
    no I didn't rad it thoroughly and you got me with the hook!

    Hmm . . . well, I know of some other women who have trouble keeping their feet on the ground, but for other reasons I sure you can divine . . .
    -Tock

  19. #19
    Animal Cracker's Avatar
    Animal Cracker is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Va Beach
    Posts
    3,658
    I know many gals that just can tkeep their feet on the deck...they just naturally assume the "dead cockroach" position.

  20. #20
    ***xxx***'s Avatar
    ***xxx*** is offline Anabolic Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Darmstadt, Germany
    Posts
    2,399
    wow, this is so funny. jesus is abck. great, I ll go and have a couple of beers with him.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •