Hey Crackhead...

[navydevildoc]

Just got this on the e-mail... kinda long, but worth it!!!

From Craigslist...

Hey Crackhead

Reply to: [email protected]
Date: Sat Mar 27 15:36:01 2004



Yes, you. You sick ****er. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my
girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops
off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why
anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched.
Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no
idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to
work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that
night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the
sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that
"people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of
spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and
former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I
remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home
from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I
figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would
have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering.
Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three
days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some
fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny
anecdote about how ****ed up you are, and how our paths once crossed
briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You
couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a
home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your
laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you,
was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I
found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right
one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare
sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a
73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in
my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the
neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my
sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4"
and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket.
Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen
discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I
should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing
for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm
not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet
anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me
wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable.
I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't
understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a
calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main
thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do
is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must
clown on you non-stop. I mean, the ****ing saw you used to saw off my
sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it
for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy
crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that
stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount
to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically
California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have
desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have
caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of
engineering ****, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could
find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat
poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it
was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This
is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime.
I'm sure this is super illegal and ****, but it's not like anyone is going
to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel
mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm
sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well
balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy
yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience
and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard
this posting ***

[Mart651]

Thats the reason I use a can and ashes. I have way to much respect for other peoples stuff.

[Blown_SC]

Already posted, but still funny lol...

[cpt steele]

I laughed so loud that the office went silent

[GoodTimeCharlie]

[cpt steele]

I do like this story

[barbarian]

that was funny as hell

[BigGreen]

man that is brilliant

[larry3436]

well told...well told

[SV-1]

I already posted this. It was lost in the crash.

[decadbal]

i know the guy who did that to his bike, he made his appearance earlier...... dude he will give em back now that hes grown up..hahaha