Some personal safety tips, guard against muggings etc.

[BOUNCER]

In today's crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:

1.Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.

2.Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a girlfriend or coworker to accompany you.

3.In the event that you are mugged, don't bother the police -- call your mother immediately.

4.When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.

5.Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.

6.If forced to fight, keep the opponent from getting a grip and hope for a penalty.

7.Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.

8.Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.

9.If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, "Oh, no!"

10.Take a women's self-defense class. It won't protect you from an armed attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."

11.Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That'll show Mr. Mugger!

12.If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the ass and crotch.

13.Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.

14.If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.

15.According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.

16.Remember -- you can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first (this is known as the Bush Doctrine).

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GQ_Bouncer will add the next 500 tips

[JT2k]

Hardy har har with #16. just when i was beginning to like you

[w_rballs]

and i thoguht u wre gonna be serious for once. good **** though hahahah

[DADDYDBOL]

16.Remember -- you can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first (this is known as the Bush Doctrine).

Amen...

[thetank]

haha...and here i thought this was gonna be a serious post 2..
i remember we had a manditory self defence class liek annually through elementary and middle school...in which we were taught by the same jackass 2 kick the guy in the jewels and yell "FIRE! FIRE!". its amazing how some people make a living.

[worldknown]

am i the only one that after eading number 1 and 2 i thought it was for real?

[Prime]

haha...and here i thought this was gonna be a serious post 2..
i remember we had a manditory self defence class liek annually through elementary and middle school...in which we were taught by the same jackass 2 kick the guy in the jewels and yell "FIRE! FIRE!". its amazing how some people make a living.

FIRE! LOL its amazing how ****ty humanity is in general, that we actually have to trick pepole into helping each other.

[UrbanLegend]

I do the sweatpants thing and I gotta tell ya, it works! To this day, I have not been raped once on my midnight ventures through Central Park.

[decadbal]

anyone who walks toward you...shoot...lol

[Da Bull]

Lol...

[itsallmental]

#13 still has me laughing bro......

[Beernutz]

#14 has me busting a gut....

[Isaiah1SAS]

5.Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.

This was excellent ! Make sure to use those $5.99 re-enactor's MACE/MORNING STAR. The spiked ball will tear the eye hook out of the haft on the first impact and give an opportunity to sue for some hefty defective product cash too and that will help pay to have the ball removed from your head.

[Beernutz]

5.Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.

This was excellent ! Make sure to use those $5.99 re-enactor's MACE/MORNING STAR. The spiked ball will tear the eye hook out of the haft on the first impact and give an opportunity to sue for some hefty defective product cash too and that will help pay to have the ball removed from your head.

bro i have 1 quetion...............................Ever considered a CAT scan!!!!

[Isaiah1SAS]

I used such a Morning Star once, Beernutz. It missed me and stuck in the side of a building about thirty feet away. There is absolutely nothing in my head... :-)

[bad_man]

I used such a Morning Star once, Beernutz. It missed me and stuck in the side of a building about thirty feet away. There is absolutely nothing in my head... :-)

If you were the one using the mace, how did it miss YOU?? Were your trying to beat yourself back into sanity?

[Animal Cracker]

In
16.Remember -- you can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first (this is known as the Bush Doctrine).

__________________________________________________ ___________

GQ_Bouncer will add the next 500 tips

Brilliant!