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Thread: devotion

  1. #1
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    devotion

    True Devotion
    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
    "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
    "You're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off!

  2. #2
    lextheflex is offline Junior Member
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    Re: devotion


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    mishon1 is offline Associate Member
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    good 4 laughs bro

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    awww dude! kinda funny, but sad too. haha

  7. #7
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    Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
    "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast twice". The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."

  8. #8
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    LOL Bex !

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    Re: devotion

    Originally posted by bexsome
    True Devotion
    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
    "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
    "You're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off!
    Aww......that's not devotion.....that's mean....

    <<<< JENNA >>>>

  10. #10
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    Orgasm
    A man and woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane. The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs.
    The man isn't sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs. The man is about to go nuts, he can't believe what he is seeing.
    A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
    The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you have sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs. What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
    The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm."
    The man, now feeling guilty, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
    The woman looks at him and says
    "Black Pepper."

  11. #11
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    bexsome,
    where the fuck have you been? Keep these coming bro

  12. #12
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    Lot more where they come from

  13. #13
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    That is some funny shit Bexsome. Keep it up, it's makes my day at work feel a lot faster when I'm entertained.

  14. #14
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    Sex Problem
    A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got this sex problem, Doc. You've got to help me."
    "Well," says the quack, "tell me about your average day."
    "Well it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at about 3am and again at about 5am for nookie. Later, we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work!"
    "Oh I see," says the doc.
    "No, hang on," says the young man "you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day, we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there."
    "Oh... now I see," says the quack.
    "No you don't," says our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."
    "Oh.... now I see," says the quack.
    "No, no, no," says the randy old bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of, and we nip out the back for a quickie."
    "Now I understand," says the extremely patient doctor.
    "No, hang on," says the man. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss - a very demanding lady I might add - has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack!"
    "Ahh...." says the doctor, "now I see."
    "No, there's more," says our man, almost in tears." When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards!"
    By now, the exasperated doctor is beginning to lose his cool, "So just what is your problem?!"
    "Well..." says our hero...... "It hurts when I wank.............."

  15. #15
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    A man and his daughter were standing in the garden one day when the little girl spots two spiders mating.

    Mary: Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?

    Dad: They're mating, honey.

    Mary: What's the one on top called?

    Dad: It's a daddy-longlegs.

    Mary: So the one on bottom is a mommy-longlegs?

    Dad: No, it's a daddy-longlegs, too.

    Mary: (thinks for a minute, then stomps on both spiders) Well, we're not having any of that crap in OUR garden

  16. #16
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    Redneck Divorce

    A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
    divorce
    Attorney: "May I help you
    Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
    Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
    Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
    Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
    Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
    Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
    Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
    Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
    Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
    Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
    Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
    Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
    Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
    nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

  17. #17
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    your killing me bexsome

  18. #18
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    Men and Computers

    Top four reasons computers are male.

    4. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

    3. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

    2. They are supposed to help you solve problems but, half the time they
    ARE the problem.

    1. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a
    little longer you could have had a better model.

  19. #19
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    A Yankee fan, a Met fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the
    subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark. There's a
    kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.

    When the subway carís lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Met fan
    are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Yankee fan is holding his
    slapped face.

    The Yankee fan is thinking, "That Met fan must have kissed Pamela and she
    swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."

    Pamela is thinking, "That Yankee fan must have tried to kiss me,
    accidentally kissed the Met fan, and got slapped for it."

    And the Met fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the subway
    carís lights go out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that @!#%!!
    Yankee fan again."

  20. #20
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    Originally posted by bexsome
    A Yankee fan, a Met fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the
    subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark. There's a
    kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.

    When the subway carís lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Met fan
    are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Yankee fan is holding his
    slapped face.

    The Yankee fan is thinking, "That Met fan must have kissed Pamela and she
    swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."

    Pamela is thinking, "That Yankee fan must have tried to kiss me,
    accidentally kissed the Met fan, and got slapped for it."

    And the Met fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the subway
    carís lights go out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that @!#%!!
    Yankee fan again."



    I DESPISE the Yankees.....

  21. #21
    bex's Avatar
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    I thourght you would like that one canes

  22. #22
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    Originally posted by bexsome
    I thourght you would like that one canes
    By the way, how did you get an American baseball joke over in England ? Do you know about baseball ?

    For me the time is getting close....Season Starts in just over a week.

  23. #23
    Terinox's Avatar
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    HOLY SHIT, BEX, YOUR FUCKEN KILLING ME!!!

    Those were great jokes dude, keep them coming man!!!

  24. #24
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    Mailbox

    A blonde went outside to check her mailbox, and her neighbor kept an eye
    on her, she had no mail, so she went back inside her house. Two minutes
    later, the same blonde went outside for the 2nd time to check her mailbox,
    and still, she had no mail, and the neighbor was confused. One minute
    later, again the woman comes outside to check her mailbox for the 3rd
    time, and again, she had no mail. This time, her neighbor went up to her
    and said, "The Mailman won't be here for another 3 more hours, why do you
    keep on checking your mail?". The blonde said, "Oh, because my computer
    keeps on saying, "You've got mail".

  25. #25
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    Hmmm
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails devotion-3898fatperson.jpg  

  26. #26
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    Originally posted by bexsome
    Hmmm
    OH MY GAWD !

  27. #27
    Shredz is offline Respected Member
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    that is some funny shit...thought it was going to be all sweet hahahahahahaahahaha


    we love you bro

  28. #28
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    Answering Machine Messages

    "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
    name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

    Narrator's voice "There Richard sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
    telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into veritable maelstrom of toilet
    paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
    speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his ******* effort is in vain.
    The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

    "Hi. Now you say something."

    "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
    to it instead. Wait for the beep."

    "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

    (From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
    message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!"

    "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
    speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
    magnets."

    "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
    her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
    anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
    phone."

    "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
    My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
    clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
    picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
    they will get back to you."

    "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
    device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
    and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
    call."

    "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
    a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

    "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
    message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

    "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
    right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
    and it's safe to leave us a message."

    (Direct approach "Who are you and what do you want?"

    "You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
    sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to
    resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
    compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

    "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
    are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is
    done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for
    literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge
    for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
    extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
    benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
    Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

    "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
    Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

    "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
    now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
    up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . real slowly. So leave
    a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

  29. #29
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    Blondeís Medical Dictionary

    Artery Study of paintings
    Bacteria Backdoor to cafeteria
    Bowel Letter like A E I O or U
    Cesarean section District in Rome
    Cat Scan Searching for Kitty
    Colic Sheep Dog
    Coma Punctuation Mark
    Congenital Friendly
    D & C Where Washington is
    Dilate To live long
    Enema Not a Friend
    Fester Quicker
    Genital Non-Jewish
    Labour Pain Hurt at work
    Outpatient Person fainted
    Post op Letter Carrier
    Rheumatic Amorous
    Secretion Hiding something
    Terminal Illness Sick at Airport
    Tibia Country in North Africa
    Urine Opposite of ďyouíre outĒ
    Varicose Nearby
    Vein Conceited

  30. #30
    Cycleon is offline AR-Hall of Famer / Retired
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    BUUUMMMPPPPPPPPPPP

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