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  1. #1
    bex's Avatar
    bex is offline Banned
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    Oct 2001

    Todays Horoscope.....

    When your friends ask you where you got the idea for using an old gumball machine to dispense your weed, it's okay to admit you got it from watching Martha Stewart. Little do you know that the one embarrassing secret which unites us all is that no matter how cool we are, we've each learned one new thing from Martha.
    If you think you're being pursued by an evil leprechaun this week, you're absolutely right. It's unfortunate that he's so quick; every time you call the authorities out, all they find is a plastic garden gnome. This getting shafted thing is really starting to become a theme in your life.

    It is said that most household accidents happen in the bathroom. The planets indicate that you could add a truly unique one to the list this week; so if you're bored, bring in a nice magazine instead of attempting to play handball while on the can.

    Cancer, it's time to come clean with your spouse or roommate
    about the mistakes you made trying to reupholster their furniture. That's because it's actually very easy to tell when a couch has been filled with packing peanuts and assembled with masking tape.

    You have been working way too hard recently, and your environment has suffered because of it. The stars indicate that it's a good time to de-lint your child, throw out the vegetables that have made their own gravy, and shave your overgrown beard, particularly if you're a woman.

    Your ability to find a new use for everything you own has saved you both money and numerous trips to the dumpster. Sometimes, though, you go too far. With all that money you saved, you should buy some actual Cuban cigars for your boss instead of giving him that box of dried cat poop with handmade labels.

    You're wondering why nobody is taking your new charity website seriously. It's mainly because you didn't know that ".org" is not pronounced "dot-orgy". It's too bad you screwed up, because you did a great job in those three years you spent working on the site.

    It was very brave of you to give this quarter's reports to your boss printed on toilet paper, telling him that you knew he was just going to wipe his ass with all your hard work in the end. Hopefully, that tremendous pile of bravery will pay your bills while you wait six weeks for your first unemployment check .

    When discussing antidepressants with your doctor, be sure to ask about the little-known side effect of not being able to remember the punchlines to jokes. This one isn't commonly listed since they just assume that, like most people, you can't tell a joke to save your life anyway.

    Boy, all this prediction crap sure gets tedious by the time I get down to Capricorn. Do you mind if I just kind of phone it in this week on yours? It's not like much ever goes on in your life anyway. So blah blah blah, travel opportunity, diplomacy at work, fresh air, remember to zip your fly.

    We don't have to tell you to start planning early for St Patrick's Day, Aquarius - after all, it's your favorite holiday...along with Mardi Gras, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, the 4th of July, New Year's Eve, and any other holiday where the whole point is to skip work and get hammered.

    If you have been using terms like "captivatingly cute" in your everyday speech, it is a sign that you are watching too much HGTV. Flipping on the music channels every once in a while will balance you out, allowing you to see things as "captivatingly phat" instead.


  2. #2
    Sicilian30's Avatar
    Sicilian30 is offline Respected Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    There is no place like ho
    Piciean here.. I don't watch alot of TV, but who knows..

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