Question mostly for the females here

**Kärnfysikern** · 03-13-2005, 05:53 PM

No bull****ting/joking in this thread plz

To the women here(dont mind if the bros give input either)

Imagine this situation. You have a husband and a son. Your husband is a asshole. He is a mean alcoholic that whenever he drinks just a little bit treats you like ****. Hits you sometimes but most often tries everything he can to break you down mentaly and threath you in everyway you can. Now this has been going on for 15 years now. Since your son was born and longer.

Everynow and then when your husband is harassing you you trie to yell for your son to come and help you so you dont have to be alone with him, but almost every time he is to coward to aid you and instead hides in his room. The few times he comes to your side he quickly escapes when your husband turn his attention on him and starts to sling threats and insults towards him.

finaly one day your husband goes over the line. He tries to choke you and even though you scream your son does nothing. He just hides in his room to afraid and to disconnected mentaly to even respond or check out what happens(even though he by now is 15 years old and a rather big/strong wrestler for his age). Luckily your husband stops and goes away.

Would you after this hate your son for not helping you this time and all the times before?

**TheDfromGC** · 03-13-2005, 06:46 PM

johan i get the idea this isnt a hypothetical situation?? as for the whole thing in general, dads can be scary as hell. i remember when i was younger, even if u feel ur as big as ur dad or bigger, u would just feel he has the upper hand. not to mention what my buddies refer to as crazy old man strength, they wont work out of anything but just from being around so long they can tend to be quite strong...i wouldnt put the blame on the son, its the dad thats is to blame...

**Kärnfysikern** · 03-13-2005, 07:01 PM

Originally Posted by TheDfromGC

johan i get the idea this isnt a hypothetical situation?? as for the whole thing in general, dads can be scary as hell. i remember when i was younger, even if u feel ur as big as ur dad or bigger, u would just feel he has the upper hand. not to mention what my buddies refer to as crazy old man strength, they wont work out of anything but just from being around so long they can tend to be quite strong...i wouldnt put the blame on the son, its the dad thats is to blame...

totaly right its not a hypothetical situation. But I hope that wont effect how people respond. I want 100% honest answeres.

Your right about the rest to. Dads can be very scary...

**BDTR** · 03-13-2005, 07:05 PM

I'm sure your mom doesn't hate you.

Originally Posted by johan

No bull****ting/joking in this thread plz

To the women here(dont mind if the bros give input either)

Imagine this situation. You have a husband and a son. Your husband is a asshole. He is a mean alcoholic that whenever he drinks just a little bit treats you like ****. Hits you sometimes but most often tries everything he can to break you down mentaly and threath you in everyway you can. Now this has been going on for 15 years now. Since your son was born and longer.

Everynow and then when your husband is harassing you you trie to yell for your son to come and help you so you dont have to be alone with him, but almost every time he is to coward to aid you and instead hides in his room. The few times he comes to your side he quickly escapes when your husband turn his attention on him and starts to sling threats and insults towards him.

finaly one day your husband goes over the line. He tries to choke you and even though you scream your son does nothing. He just hides in his room to afraid and to disconnected mentaly to even respond or check out what happens(even though he by now is 15 years old and a rather big/strong wrestler for his age). Luckily your husband stops and goes away.

Would you after this hate your son for not helping you this time and all the times before?

**PaRiS2005** · 03-13-2005, 07:07 PM

I wouldn't hate my son. I would want him to protect himself. Not get in the way. But if he was old enough to help out, I would want him to try to pull him off me. But I would never hate my son. No matter what.

**bedrock** · 03-13-2005, 07:13 PM

Listen Son,
It is in your power to do something. What you must do is tell someone in authority.
I know, you are afraid of what might happen, to your dad, to your Mom, will she hate you for telling on her husband, will he get thrown in jail, ect...
I tell you this, from experience, you must take action, start with someone you confide in, an adult who you trust. Maybe a coach, guidance counselor, or clergy.
You must get this out in the open, LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY !
Only then can You, your Mom and your Dad get the help you need.
If you want to talk further PM me.

**taiboxa** · 03-13-2005, 08:37 PM

wow what a complicated scenerio... if i was the mother i would be upset with my son immediatly fallowing the choking incident. Mostly out of the fear that i coulda died and he coulda helpd but didnt. Given time, 2 days at most, i would have come to a realization of why he did what he did. Not only do you have the fear of your "OverPowering" Father (overpowering is not a Physical Reference either) but it is always difficult to rise against someone who has raised you, especially a parent, regardless of how dire the situation or actions taken were. .. but hey im a guy what do i know about being a mom... but i know if i was that boy and it was my mother and father i would not of been able to raise a hand against my father... hell even now i dwarf him but still scared of the old man.

CutieFace · 03-13-2005, 08:46 PM

Originally Posted by johan

No bull****ting/joking in this thread plz

To the women here(dont mind if the bros give input either)

Imagine this situation. You have a husband and a son. Your husband is a asshole. He is a mean alcoholic that whenever he drinks just a little bit treats you like ****. Hits you sometimes but most often tries everything he can to break you down mentaly and threath you in everyway you can. Now this has been going on for 15 years now. Since your son was born and longer.

Everynow and then when your husband is harassing you you trie to yell for your son to come and help you so you dont have to be alone with him, but almost every time he is to coward to aid you and instead hides in his room. The few times he comes to your side he quickly escapes when your husband turn his attention on him and starts to sling threats and insults towards him.

finaly one day your husband goes over the line. He tries to choke you and even though you scream your son does nothing. He just hides in his room to afraid and to disconnected mentaly to even respond or check out what happens(even though he by now is 15 years old and a rather big/strong wrestler for his age). Luckily your husband stops and goes away.

Would you after this hate your son for not helping you this time and all the times before?

First of all, the child should not be put into the situation of 'saving' his Mom, obviously this puts him in danger as well....

This kid needs to be taken out of this situation as it's doing him hamr, mentally, emotionally, and probably physically....he'll need some serious therapy and has a very high chance of becoming an abusive person in relationships himself....

I was married to an asshole, and I would throw myself over my sons so he could not beat them...but he'd be hitting me instead.....

This woman needs to get out of this situation...and get help...the coalition against domestic violence would be a good place to start getting help, they have safe houses, free counseling etc...

Cutie

**Psychotron** · 03-13-2005, 09:39 PM

Cant say I have ever been in your situations. I have gotten into plenty of fights with my dad, but I would not dare try to hit him. He has tried to hit me, but i just used my wrestling to restrain him. Father wouldnt touch my mother either, and I wouldnt stand up for my mom if this was the situation, or father for that matter. I am willing to die for anyone in my family.

CutieFace · 03-14-2005, 04:11 AM

makes me think...of when I was younger...my Mom would come after me..and I'd stand there and hold her hands so she couldn't hit me...drove her nuts....made her even angrier w/ me LOL but I was much stronger then her...made her much sneakier after that

Cutie

**colossus1** · 03-14-2005, 04:17 AM

If anyone thinks the boy is to blame.....then their mentality is jacked. Those kinds of situations arent for boy.......or for kind in general. No, as a mater of fact those situations arent for anybody. But it happens. A boy is a boy for a reason.........he doesnt have adult responsibilities. And believe me, that is more than an adult responsibility.

**Angelis** · 03-14-2005, 05:09 AM

Originally Posted by Psychotron

Cant say I have ever been in your situations. I have gotten into plenty of fights with my dad, but I would not dare try to hit him. He has tried to hit me, but i just used my wrestling to restrain him. Father wouldnt touch my mother either, and I wouldnt stand up for my mom if this was the situation, or father for that matter. I am willing to die for anyone in my family.

Same here I have gotten into plenty of fights with both parent when I was younger. With my father I did the exact same thing u did with my mother I either dodged her or just plain held her hands. Never had abusive parents though so I cant really speak from experience. If I was a woman and in that situation I would expect the son to help if he can if he couldnt/wouldnt I wouldnt be mad at him though. If I was the son though I would slip out on my dad so fast you wouldnt believe it. I was very protective of everyone in my family prolly y me and my brothers are so close. But getting back to ur question like I said, there is no way the mother should be mad at the son.

**Kärnfysikern** · 03-14-2005, 09:23 AM

Ok thanks you all for the honest answeres.

This isnt something that is occuring right now. As many probably understod the son is me. But the chocking incident happened 5 years ago. around 6 months before she passed away. Mother became very cold after that. Just shyed away from everything. We where both horribly disconnected mentaly I guess. What makes things worse is that mother was physicaly handicapped. very bad arthritis. So she could never protect herself in anyway. She had no strenght, she couldnt even run away if she wanted to.

This is just some old memories resurfacing now, have never forgiven myself for not helping her. and I wanted to know how others would look at such a situation.

Thanks again especialy to you cutie since you have been in such situations yourself.(btw trust me I would never ever be abusive to someone, so it hasnt effected me in that way luckily).

I never was in any real fight with my dad. He hit me a couple of times but I was always to afraid to resist. Not until I was almost 18 did I have the balls to stand up to him and Im glad I restrained myself that time, cause I was very very close to just pouding him after I had slamed him into a wall. Im sure I would have killed him. A part of my still wish I would have, but seeing him on the floor crying like a baby scared to death made me realise I dont need to trash this muther****er, cause he is so **** phatetic already. But ever since I have been very hard on myself for not standing upp to him earlier. Physicaly I could(he is very old, in good shape for his age but still old), mentaly I could not. Atlest nowdays he knows Im both mentaly and physicaly superior so he doesnt trie to pic fights with me anymore. Not that I se him that often. Once or twice a year.

The fact that my mom is dead means I will never know how she looked at me after all those years. I guess I cant blame her for beeing cold and introverted.

Anyway this is all old **** and time to put it all away for good

**co2boi** · 03-14-2005, 09:33 AM

I'm really sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you had to go through this. IMO, (1) She couldn't possibly hate you based on nothing more than you being her child (2) She couldn't rightfully hate you because she should had removed you and her from the situation years before it got to this point.

I agree with your last statement bro, put it away, but not too far away. There are some great lessons to be learned from this.

**IronFreakX** · 03-14-2005, 02:44 PM

http://www.con.ca/issues/3/10/579?cid=3015#c3015
hope this helps

**jerseyboy** · 03-14-2005, 03:56 PM

This may sound really cold and insensitive but I feel family is overrated. I don't speak to my father because of the way he treated me and I'm pissed at my mother because she let it go on for so long. I'm 34 years old and still having flashbacks from childhood. Now I don't talk to my mother because I married a black woman and she didn't approve. I don't talk to my brother because he thinks my father is a "great man." Since I dis-owned them and went my own way I have never been happier. Now this may not sound a lot like your situation but the important thing is to move on and not let the past ruin your future. Some things just can't be fixed and it sounds to me like you carry way too much guilt. Therapy helps get rid of some of the demons.

CutieFace · 03-14-2005, 06:42 PM

Originally Posted by johan

Ok thanks you all for the honest answeres.

This isnt something that is occuring right now. As many probably understod the son is me. But the chocking incident happened 5 years ago. around 6 months before she passed away. Mother became very cold after that. Just shyed away from everything. We where both horribly disconnected mentaly I guess. What makes things worse is that mother was physicaly handicapped. very bad arthritis. So she could never protect herself in anyway. She had no strenght, she couldnt even run away if she wanted to.

This is just some old memories resurfacing now, have never forgiven myself for not helping her. and I wanted to know how others would look at such a situation.

Thanks again especialy to you cutie since you have been in such situations yourself.(btw trust me I would never ever be abusive to someone, so it hasnt effected me in that way luckily).

I never was in any real fight with my dad. He hit me a couple of times but I was always to afraid to resist. Not until I was almost 18 did I have the balls to stand up to him and Im glad I restrained myself that time, cause I was very very close to just pouding him after I had slamed him into a wall. Im sure I would have killed him. A part of my still wish I would have, but seeing him on the floor crying like a baby scared to death made me realise I dont need to trash this muther****er, cause he is so **** phatetic already. But ever since I have been very hard on myself for not standing upp to him earlier. Physicaly I could(he is very old, in good shape for his age but still old), mentaly I could not. Atlest nowdays he knows Im both mentaly and physicaly superior so he doesnt trie to pic fights with me anymore. Not that I se him that often. Once or twice a year.

The fact that my mom is dead means I will never know how she looked at me after all those years. I guess I cant blame her for beeing cold and introverted.

Anyway this is all old **** and time to put it all away for good

Know this....no matter what...Your mom Loved you.....and I'm sure you know in your heart that she never blamed you....for any thing.....and it was her choice to stay in that abusive situation....you being a child had no choice...
Most men who are abusive like that are actually cowards....their insecurity drives them to need control of others....so they bully, abuse those people who love them...then they feel powerful at the expense of others....outside of that relationship they are powerless and weak....but at home, they feel very powerful...

be very careful , and I do hope that you are getting counseling...I am glad to hear you're not an abusive person..it's very common for a child exp male who grew up in that situation to be abusive themselves.....but you an fall into another trap...the women that you date, marry......You could end up w/ someone very much like your father....

My first instinct was always to protect my son's...because they were boys he was always harder on them....I have plenty of my own g uilt I've had to deal with..by staying in that relationship/situation much too long....

I wish you the best of luck hon...and always remember when in doubt that a Mother's love for her son is something no one can break

Cutie

**Lostsoul** · 03-15-2005, 01:49 AM

Johan,

I was in the same situation as you bro, and I know it's hard to get over stuff like that. Your mother definetely didn't hate you, I'd say she was depressed over her life that's why she was introverted. I'd say it had nothing to do with you. I had a childhood much like yours, I don't remember much before I was 12 years old... my old man came at me and my mum once too often when I was 14, I was big enough to fight back and I did, pushed him against a glass door and said if he hit anyone ever again I'd ****in kill him. I haven't spoken to the man in 13 years.

He now owes my mother a lot of money so soon it'll be time to go kick some ass.

**SwoleCat** · 03-15-2005, 08:57 AM

No way does your Mom hate you, or did she hate you.

It's not a child's place to constantly defend her Mom from violence.

You should have peace of mind that she adored you bro, you did nothing wrong, don't let that bug you. Her silence and distancing was a result of her deterioration with your father, not an example of her hatred for you.

~SC~

**J-Dogg** · 03-15-2005, 09:35 AM

The girls summed this up well.

Its not the boys fault, the girl should have been out of this situation 15 years ago. Hopfully she feels bad about even having her son live in this type of enviorment for 15 years.

I've been though situations similar to this. When I was 11 I saw one of my Mom's boyfriends point a 12ga shot gun at my Mom's head. The 4 kids were all watching from the top of the stairs. My Mother was crying but had a strong look on her face, and just sat there. My older sister who was 13 ran down the stairs and right in front of the gun and started yelling at him. My older sister is one of the strongest women I've ever seen. I was frozen, did not know what the hell to do. My Mom stuck with this guy for a few more years.

I was 11, but I was still a kid. I did not start standing up to my Step dad, even though I was in much better shape, taller and better built until i was 17.

**co2boi** · 03-15-2005, 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by J-Dogg

The girls summed this up well.

Its not the boys fault, the girl should have been out of this situation 15 years ago. Hopfully she feels bad about even having her son live in this type of enviorment for 15 years.

I've been though situations similar to this. When I was 11 I saw one of my Mom's boyfriends point a 12ga shot gun at my Mom's head. The 4 kids were all watching from the top of the stairs. My Mother was crying but had a strong look on her face, and just sat there. My older sister who was 13 ran down the stairs and right in front of the gun and started yelling at him. My older sister is one of the strongest women I've ever seen. I was frozen, did not know what the hell to do. My Mom stuck with this guy for a few more years.

I was 11, but I was still a kid. I did not start standing up to my Step dad, even though I was in much better shape, taller and better built until i was 17.

A similar thing happened to me when I was 5. My real father (right!) was a raging alchoholic. I remember him and my mom fighting, I followed him to the closet, watched him pull out a shotgun and point it at my mom. She called my uncles, they came and picked us up and we never went back, for which I am very thankful.

I think "walking away" is often much easier said than done, especially for a mother.

Just to reiterate bro, you can't possibly blame yourself or think that your mother blamed you. I'm almost certain that she harbored guilt not anger, in respect to you and the situation. Just be sure not to blame her for anything too. Live and let die...

**Kärnfysikern** · 03-15-2005, 06:04 PM

Thanks alot. The responses means alot to me. I have some things to contemplate now and I hope the responses will help ease my guilt a bit.

And to everyone else that has been through similar or worse crap I realy hope you have come to terms with it!

Thanks again bros and sisters