The Only Place I Feel Comfortable Posting This...

**SexyKitty** · 07-05-2005, 05:31 PM

Okay, I warn you there is a very long post ahead. If you actually finish reading it, and I hope you do, then you may understand why I had to write it. As my 30th birthday comes up, my training goals are the only thing in my life that I have not accomplished. Documenting the chronological history of my trainining experience was the first step to a new beginning for me. I know what I've done wrong, I know the mistakes I have made so flames are not necessary.

Thanks for taking the time to read this I hope some of you take the time to go through it as it took me a lot of time to write it (it also gets better the deeper you get into it). It may surprise you though, you may find it kind of interesting. Here we go...

How I Fukked Up my Body for 15 Years and How I'm Going to Change It – By SK

1989-1990 – The Wonder Years

My quest for weight loss started at the ripe age of 14. I can clearly remember being a typical teenage girl, complaining all the time on how I thought I was “too fat” but never doing anything about it! It was my Grandfather who finally kicked me in the butt and said, “If you’re so damn worried about it, get off your fat ass and exercise!” After this day I took his advice and joined a gym. I didn’t get into weights at this point but this is where I was introduced to cardio for the first time. In addition to this I went on an EXTREME diet. No joke, I had the caloric content of just about EVERY food completely memorized. In my desperation to be skinny, at one point I dropped my caloric intake to 250 kcals/day! I was eating just one green apple and some saltines every day, this was my friggen diet, really balanced eh?? I even became THAT girl, the one that would watch all her friends eat and tell them annoyingly “I can’t believe your eating that, don’t you know how many calories are in that bagel, oh my God what’s wrong with you?!” Yes, it was bad, I almost lost all my friends doing this, but damn, can you blame them. This got me down to 103 lbs at my lightest…..but of course, this did not last long.

1991-1994 – The Abusive Years

OK, so surprise, surprise, the extreme diet was not maintainable. I got sick of always feeling dizzy, tired and irritable so I started eating again. Sometime between 15 and 16 though I made new friends (after scaring all my old ones away) and things changed. SK was introduced to my friends called booze and drugs. So as you can imagine, I didn’t take very good care of my body during this time. I won’t go into all the nasty details of this part of my life, it just wasn’t pretty. Basically, I consumed ridiculous amounts of alcohol (I was one of those girls that had a real high tolerance, could last all night with the best of drinkers), smoked ridiculous amounts of hash (never saw weed until I was 19, we just never had it) and dropped a boatload of acid (yes, we all thought we were hippies). I’m certainly not bragging here, it’s just how things were. One thing I did manage to maintain though was my love of cardio, I never stopped doing this no matter how much I was boozin’ it up. It was so stupid though, I’d go to the gym, do like 1.5 hours of cardio, then go out and drink a 6 of talls! Talk about defeating the purpose. Well by the time I finished high school at 19 I managed to maintain a healthy weight of 115lbs. Obviously this was just due to my age…..which as you’ll see finally catches up with me.

1994-1995 – Party Time!

And then came University. You’d think that after high school I would have got all the partying out of my system. Turns out, that wasn’t the case and my first year of University was a whole different type of party. I mean common! I was finally away from Mom and Dad for the first time, it was expected for me to go a bit nuts. I slowed down with the drug abuse but the drinking got worse. At this point I stopped all forms of exercise, in fact the only exercise I got was climbing the stairs to my 4th floor dorm room when the elevator was broken! Partying consisted of heavy drinking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, sometimes Sunday and Tuesday nights. And lets not forget ordering pizza at 3:00am when coming home from the bars, and then of course the classic hangover breakfast of fried eggs, bacon and home fries. And who can forget, good ol’ cafeteria food, fries and gravy for lunch every day and the endless amount of junk food I consumed while studying late for exams. You’ve all heard of the frosh 15 right? Well after 8 months of living like this I ballooned to a whopping 142 lbs! Yes you heard me, it was no frosh 15 for me, it was more like frosh 30. I don’t know how I didn’t see this happening, but when I got home at the end of my first year, other people sure noticed. It was then that I became determined to get that fat shitt off of me and change my lifestyle around.

1995-1999 – The Extreme Years!

The summer I got home from my first year of school I was more determined than ever to lose the weight I had gained. I joined the same gym I was at before, but this time hired a personal trainer. I got a fit test done first, they weighed me, tested my body fat, my VO2 max, strength test, flexibility test, the works! They also put together a program for me that this time consisted of cardio AND weight training. By working with my trainer, training 6-7 times a week and getting my diet in check, I managed to lose ALL the weight and dropped 10% bodyfat. I was never happier, and from this point on, I was hooked. I loved weight training and i loved the way it made me look, I started reading all the bodybuilding magazines, lived in workout wear, thought of the gym 24/7.

What I failed to mention is that summer I was also introduced to something new that I ended up abusing. One day I was talking to one of the gym staff and he was telling me about this pill that his sister was on, his mom was on, his aunt was on, apparently everyone was on and they lost a TON of weight….a little pill called EPHEDRINE. Well, since I was young, stupid and determined to get as lean as possible I got some ephedrine. I did no research whatsoever, I don’t even think I would have known where to start, I mean in 1995 the internet had not been around that long, I barely knew how to use it and there was certainly no AR at that time. For the next 5 years I completely abused it. I got to the point where I was taking 3 ephedrine pills and 3 Thermadrene pills a day. I did this for 5 years without a single break!! To this day the guys who use to work at Musclemag still remember be as the ephedrine girl. I literally became mentally addicted to it. Whenever I would even try to stop taking it, my strength and energy would just drop through the floor, I couldn’t bare to feel that weak so I just kept taking it. I was like fukk, it can’t be doing that much harm, it is over the counter after all, I’ll just keep on taking it. The ephedrine also made me extremely irritable and cranky, I noticed it, my family noticed it, my friends noticed it, everyone noticed….I was a real bitch.

So for 5 years, my life became consumed with working out. Everything I did revolved around training. I would not go away on any road trips with my friends (for fear of missing the gym), I wouldn’t go out on my 20th birthday (didn’t want to be tempted to drink), would not go away on vacation and when I did I packed my scale! I also scheduled all my classes around when the best times were to go to the gym. At one point I burnt my arm, I had 2nd and 3rd degree burns all over my arm, it was wrapped in bandages and I could barely move it. Do you think this stopped me from training? Heck no, I just had lopsided workouts. I never missed the gym, even when I was sick, only if I had an extreme fever would I not go and this was never for more than a day or 2. Basically I was training 7 days a week, 2.5-3 hours a day, a bit over an hour of weights and 1.5 hours of cardio. My training was a 3 day split, twice a week, then on the 7th day I would do 2 hours of cardio. I was no pussy either though, my bench was at 165lbs, I was squatting 375lbs, doing shoulder press with 40lb dumbbells and was curling 75lbs (barbell). Of course I am now suffering from tendonitis in both my shoulders and bad knees from all that heavy squatting, I didn’t realize what I was doing then would make me hurt so bad now.

I failed to mention that through these 5 years, I didn’t alter my diet THAT much, I certainly did not eat like I did in 1994/95 but it wasn’t a totally clean diet. I did eat a lot of quality protein but also threw in some junk food here and there. I also became a personal trainer at this time but it didn’t last long, I liked training myself, hated training other people.

Basically I went from no training with a shitt diet to over-training with a so-so. With my of new muscle mass, I managed to maintained a weight of 125lbs.

1999-2001 – Reality Time

In September of 1999 I finally got my first full time job. It was the start of my career, I was working from 8-5 or 9-6 but I also commuted 1.5 hours each way to work. I quickly discovered that with this schedule I no longer had the energy or time to work out for 3 hours a day. I cut my training days down from 7 to 5 or 6 and instead of doing 1.5 hours of cardio, I did 1 hour. I also changed my training split to a 5 day split, each body part just once a week.

A little before this, ephedrine also became illegal in Canada. I didn’t cut it out completely but I did manage to wean myself off of it, only going on it once in a while if I had someone pick it up in the US for me. Usually it was in the form of Hydroxycut or Diet Fuel. My blood pressure had gone through the roof so I got a bit of a reality check there too.

So my life was starting to change, I was no longer over-training, the high protein craze had started at this point so my diet was better and I was basically maintaining. For now, I was okay with this.

2001-2003 – Nip/Tuck

I have been trying to improve my body since adolescence, one thing I failed to mention earlier however is that I was obsessed my whole life with getting plastic surgery. I knew I would do it eventually and in December of 2001 I went under the knife for the first time.

My first surgery was breast implants. I had an A cup and always felt I was out of proportion with my curvy lower body. I had been working for a while so I could finally aford to balance out my upper body to my lower body. This was a big change for me in many ways. In 2001 they were still doing mostly salene implants (cohesive gels were very new and very expensive). The only way to make salene implants look natural was to have them placed under the muscle. Now if you remember, my bench at one point was up to 165. At this point, I was not doing as heavy weights (didn’t want to look bulky anymore) but I was still benching 135 for 10-12 reps. With my new implants, this meant no heavy bench pressing. If you are a guy reading this, how would you feel if all of a sudden you could never bench press again. It’s a weird feeling, it’s as if you’re missing something. It was also a big blow to me ego. I had gotten use to people "staring" at me while I was doing bench, they were so shocked to see how much a small girl like myself could do, I liked being "the strongest girl in the gym". Not only this but it took me at least 2 months after my surgery before my training felt “normal” again, I could feel the implants move everytime I moved, it was weird. I took 2 weeks off completely, right after surgery. Since 1995 this was the longest break I had ever taken from the gym, it was a hard pill to swallow.

So I went from an A to a D, felt good about my body but then I decided to see just how far I could take my body. I decided to go on a cutting diet, a serious cutting diet. I had a trainer put a diet together for me, based on my body weight and body fat composition. It was a typical cutting diet, no different from what you would see now, the only carbs being oatmeal and veggies, the rest of it being all lean protein. It wasn’t perfect though, it was low in EFA’s and I cheated by having fruit after dinner. At that time, I didn’t know fruit was not good for cutting. Not only this but I had a cheat day. Every Sunday was my cheat day, but I felt so deprived from being so strict all week I would just go crazy. Everything I had been craving that week I had to have on my cheat day, cookies, ice cream, pizza, you name it, I had it. It was like I wasted the whole week. Not only that but my energy was so low after work that I could never do both weights and cardio, I only had the energy to do one and as a result I often skipped cardio, this diet was self defeating. I knew about morning cardio but I wasn’t disciplined enough to do it then. I did this for 8 months and guess what? My weight didn’t budge, I was holding steady at 130lbs.

I then had 2 more surgeries, I had liposuction in December of 2002 and a second but unsuccessful liposuction procedure in December of 2003. Because of the failure in seeing results from the liposuction things sort of went down hill. I was still training, but the intensity never seemed to be the same and my diet was well so-so.

2004 – Uh Oh, What Happened??

I tend to do a weird thing, if I go too long without weighing myself I get scared to get on the scale. I’d be totally freaked out to see what the number is going to be so I wait and wait until I get the stomach to do it. Well one day in June 2004 (BTW, I’m 28 years old at this point in case you lost track) I got the stomach to get on the scale and got the shock of a lifetime – 147lbs!!! I immediately broke down in tears.

I new I had gained some weight, my clothes were fitting tighter, I just didn’t feel the same but I hadn’t realized the extent of it. I was trying to figure it out, was I eating more? Was I exercising less? Had my metabolism slowed down because of all the ephedrine abuse over the years? It could have been all 3, I didn’t know, I didn’t care, I just had to do something.

From June until September I changed my training completely (notice when I joined AR) I started doing morning empty stomach cardio, eventually I started doing cardio twice a day and I temporarily cut out the weights (I was willing to spare a bit of muscle). I also was introduced to clen , cycled this 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off for pretty much the whole summer and did one cycle of T3. I didn’t make too many changes to my diet, I didn’t eat perfectly clean but didn’t eat terribly either.

By September of 2004 I got my weight back down to 130lbs. The weird thing is, I never got so many compliments in my life. I mean, EVERYONE was telling me how good I looked. I didn’t get it, I had been at this weight before but no one ever said anything. I didn’t feel much different, I still felt fat and thought I had to lose more but whatever, the compliments were nice. I guess I was finally doing something right

Present Time – Reality Hits Again

So here we are today, It’s July 2005, I’ve been training steady now for 10 years (+5 years of on/off training), I’ll be 30 years old next month and I have STILL never reached my goal.

I’m sure as many of you read this your thinking “well duh, of course you didn’t reach your goal, you did everything wrong!”. Obviously I can see that now, hindsight is 20/20. Unfortunately it took me 15 BLOODY YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT! You’d think with the experience I got from my B.Sc. in Life Sciences, my BA in Health sciences, my personal training certification and my profession in the Pharmaceutical industry that I would have applied some of this knowledge and accomplished my goals sooner. Guess not.

As I reach my 30th birthday I felt it was important for me to document my training and diet history. I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my life but my training goals are not one of them now. Now at 30 I am equipped with the knowledge, tools, and hopefully the discipline to do this right. Writing this has been sort of therapy for me, a bit of a reality check into why I never got to where I want to be.

I’m at 135lbs right now (I was not able to maintain twice a day cardio for very long). My diet lately has been CRAP. I am in the process of putting together a strict cutting diet (on my own this time) and will be posting it over the next week or so to get input from any of you that may be able to help. I will start doing morning empty stomach cardio again (5 times/week) and weights in the evening (3-4 times/week for maintenance only). I will probably run clen again but will take the proper supplementation.

My goal is to reach 120lbs by the end of September (My birthday will have passed at this point but at least I’ll have the ball rolling). I really hope that my body is not too fukked up and that I will be able to do this the RIGHT way this time, with sound diet and exercise AND keep it off this time.

And if this doesn’t work, well, there’s always DNP

**Slick Arrado** · 07-05-2005, 05:53 PM

Good to see you've persevered. Sounds like you're a little down again, so I'll say "Keep your head up". Let me be one of the first to wish you a happy 30th.

**IronFreakX** · 07-05-2005, 05:54 PM

haha i like you now...

I did the same thing with not going to vacations or going out even going to my finals!!! cuz i was afraid id miss a meal........reminds me of myself a bit.......i have no doubts that ull reach ur goal....nice post...

**IronFreakX** · 07-05-2005, 05:55 PM

oh and the drug part too....

haha good luck

**SexyKitty** · 07-05-2005, 07:13 PM

Thanks! Glad to see you guys got through the long read. I'll be posting my new diet soon, cant wait for the input.
SK

**gymnutt** · 07-05-2005, 07:35 PM

Happy 30th! One thing I've found personally is that life for me is about the journey and not as much about the destination. Some seem to gain the picture perfect body rapidly, others have to put time and effort into it. My personal drive is often compared to narcistic compulsion by those who do not place the same value in themselves as I do in myself, my physique, and the personal satisfaction I daily derive from my time in the gym. However, while I do try to quantify my goals and always improve, after many setbacks and injuries, I have learned to enjoy my time spent in the gym and be thankful my health allows me to. I guess what I'm trying to say is stay hungry but enjoy the ride. Congrats on your achievements thus far, and those still ahead of you!

**symatech** · 07-05-2005, 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by IronFreakX

oh and the drug part too....

haha good luck

lol yeah this is a familiar story.

AR's one of the best places to help you with your goal. I could never really emphasize enough how much I've learned here.

**Commando_Barbi** · 07-05-2005, 07:49 PM

Awesome post SK

. I appreciate you took the time to tell us your story!

BG · 07-05-2005, 08:20 PM

Great post, must feel good to get that off your chest. Things will increasingly get better since you have reached this point, I never had a DAD, lost my mom at 16 and brother 4 days before my 18th birthday. I was a train wreck until my 30th b-day came( less then a year ago),havent drank in a year and no drugs and evrything is much clearer. Your right on track and just think off how smart you are now by learning the hardway, good luck you'll be just fine!!

**abstrack** · 07-05-2005, 11:36 PM

Thanks for sharing SK. Just keep focused on your goals and you will get there. You might not reach those goals until 30 but life doesnt get any better until after 30!

**Panzerfaust** · 07-05-2005, 11:53 PM

Awesome post, i know you will reach your goal no problem...all of us here will kick your butt and make you keep going and getting up for AM cardio.

**63190** · 07-06-2005, 01:20 AM

Long read, just read the first middle and last paragraphs. I'll read more later.
Stay off the fuit! You're cutting. Brocalli and coll***our are you friends now. Eat it raw and with out oil or vinegar. If you must have oil, use omega 3. It fills you up, has zero carbs, and combined, are a good source of protein. Good luck, and happy 30th.

**Whydontyou123** · 07-06-2005, 03:53 AM

Hmmm interesting. 5 seconds of skimming.

My guess is he fuked up his body too much by overload juicing? How far was i?

**THE CROW** · 07-06-2005, 05:57 AM

wrong guess! she's a she , not a he!, you should have read it. was a good story.

**SexyKitty** · 07-06-2005, 07:09 AM

Originally Posted by Whydontyou123

Hmmm interesting. 5 seconds of skimming.

My guess is he fuked up his body too much by overload juicing? How far was i?

You couldnt be farther off.

**max2extreme** · 07-06-2005, 08:54 AM

i read it SK. Im sure it will all work out for you. Take now and after pics, not to post if you dont want to, but in case you start to take the wrong path again, you have something to look at to keep you at it. Good luck!! take care.

max

**majorpecs** · 07-06-2005, 10:15 AM

Great post SK! Nice to see someone getting on here and being personal and honest with us. I wish you the best of luck in reaching your goals.

**SexyKitty** · 07-06-2005, 12:17 PM

Thanks to all of you who have taken time to read my long a$$ post. I have to say, reading all of your replies has been really encouraging and now I cant wait to get started.

I'm going to def. take before and after pics, I'll post them if I'm successfull

**ttuprincess** · 07-06-2005, 01:07 PM

Hey SK.. your post was a great read. Actually it is conincidental that Im reading a book about the exact same thing i think it would be good for you to read....

"Tales From The Scale: Women Weigh in on Thunder Thights, Cheese Fries, and Feeking Good... at Any Size"

**majorpecs** · 07-06-2005, 01:51 PM

Originally Posted by SexyKitty

I'm going to def. take before and after pics, I'll post them if I'm successfull

Take the before pics and post them up before you start, it's so much more helpful for motivation.

**Dally** · 07-07-2005, 05:03 PM

just wanted to say word to all the peeps who posted on this and took the time to read it. She is a hell of a good person and were doing our best on our own personal fitness goals...

don't worry babe, it'll only get better, we'll do it TOGETHER!!

(hmmm, maybe I should post my tale of odd ridicularity .....nah, it'll just make me look dumber than I already do.....

damn I JUST OWNED MYSELF!!!)

**RJM03** · 07-08-2005, 06:48 AM

AR definitely is a tremendous source of info, your story I bet sounds familiar to alot of people. Good luck!

**zoso428** · 07-08-2005, 07:24 AM

nice story...cheat day isnt that bad though i have been doin it on my cutting diet and havent had it hinde my results not an all day binge though but a couple of slices of pizza and sum fast food every now and then on a cheat day doesnt hurt...btw 165 thats a sick chick bench i have guy friends that cant do it and most girls i know the only bench they know of is the one they sit on when they r trying on a new pair of gucci shoes..good luck