Greatest Sex Acts ever!!!

**Deezuhl** · 10-04-2005, 08:17 PM

Dont beleive for one sec that every one of these hasnt been done to someone!!!! enjoy.. I was ROFLMAO forever.. Snowmobile, tony danza and dirty jew are the top 3 IMO... BTW.. make sure if you snowmobile a chick you put a pillow in front of her face.. A bloody nose can ruin the night.. Trust me.

Access Denied Error - When you and your pal are double-teaming a chick, he's got her from behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (a.k.a. Blocking the Box, Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions).

Afterburner - Get well-positioned with her. Missionary or doggie works OK, here. JUST as you cum, cut a BIG fart and light it with a match. Good for an extra inch or two.

Alaskan Firedragon - Another good take off is one of the angry dragon that is called the alaskan firedragon. When a girl is giving you a blowjob, splooge in her mouth unexpectedly and plug up her mouth immediately after. Then whisper in her ear "I have syphilis" and wait for the man juice to fly out of her nose.

Beverly Hills Whiffer - This move is restricted to those women who think they're God's gift to the world. Find a woman of the above description. Take her home and start doggie styling her. When you're about to blow, corkscrew two fingers into her ass, scraping as much shit as you can from her. Pull out your fingers, reach around her head to stick one finger in each nostril. Pull her head back so she can see you while you yell "So, you think your shit don't stink now ?!"

Blumpkin - Getting a blowjob while taking a shit

Boston Tea Bag Party - When more than one guy takes turns teabagging a girl. Just at point of climaxing it is important to yell "The British Are Coming".

Cleveland Steamer (aka "Hot Lunch") - The act of shitting in your partner's mouth.

Cold Faithful - Blowing your visibly-steaming load outside in the winter-time, like when you get your cock sucked on a ski-lift.

Dirty Sanchez - While doing her doggy style, you insert your finger up into her ass, pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name would be Dirty Sanchez.

Dog In A Bathtub - This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

Donkey Punch - During doggystyle sexual activity, the man punches his partner as hard as he can in the back of the head right before he reaches climax. This causes her to convulse and tighten every cavity.

Double Houdini - While tag-teaming a girl with your buddy, have on guy doing her in the ass and the other guy getting a hummer.Then have the guy in the back tell her he is gonna blow and then spit on her back. When she turns around, give her the facial of her life. Then when she turns around to face the front again, the guy in the front blows it in her face for the second facial.

Feltching - When a dude cums in a chick's ass and sucks it out with a straw.

Fnorking - Competition in teams of 1 man and 1 woman. Trying to cram as many goldfish as possible into a chick's snatch.

Flooding The Cave - Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her.

Fortune Cookie - Get an asian chick, bang her with a condom on, when finished, pull out but leave condom in.

Glass Bottom Boat - Cover her face in saran wrap and proceed to lay a hot shit over it.

Graffiti - Have sex with a married/engaged girl, when she falls asleep write embarrassing , x-rated remarks (or something like "This bitch belongs to John" ) on her back with a big bold permanent marker. She goes home and has the "where the fuck were you" fight. later that day, when she showers the boyfriend/husband sees your graffiti and the fight starts all over again.

Hot Air Balloon - Farting directly into a chick's mouth

Hot Carl - Defecating on a woman prior to, during, or immediately after intercourse.

Houdini - When you’re doing a girl doggy style, you fake an orgasm (spit on her back). When she turns around, blow your load in her face and say, “Abracadabra bitch!”

Hummer - A blowjob accompanied by the giver humming.

Jawbreaker - A blowjob involving three penises at one time. Two Penises is known as Crossed Swords.

Kennebunkport Chowder - Eat a girl out and vomit the contents of the New England clam chowder you ate for lunch between her legs.

Kenny Roger's Roasters - While doing the bitch in front of the fire, stick it in the pooper and twirl her around on your dick-thus creating the roaster effect.

Louisville Slugger - Your girl is on her knees in front of you servicing your pole. At some random point in time during this act you pull out, twist your hips, yell "BATTER UP!!!!" and smack her firmly in the cheek with your baseball bat like cock.

Morning Glory - This occurs the morning after a really good one-night-stand. You wake up sporting morning wood, and instead of getting up and going to the bathroom, you ram into your partner's ass and relieve yourself inside her.

New York Style Taco - Get really drunk. Then go down on her and puke while eating her out.

Puerto Rican Fog Bank - While 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphincter fog directly into her nostrils.

Redman's Revenge - When a chick give you an indian sunburn on your dick.

Screaming Seagull - While doing her on the beach, pull out, dip the tip of your dick in the sand, and then go right back at it. She'll scream like a Pelican.

Shanghai Stirfry - When a girl gives you a blowjob, pukes all over your cock and keeps going.

Sleeping Bag - If you're going down on a really fat girl, you pull her enormous stomach roll of fat over your head.

Snowmobile - While getting a girl while she's on all fours, sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

Suicide Bomber - Fuck a chick wearing a condom, after you climax put the condom somewhere safe. Wait until she falls asleep wherein you blow the condom up like a balloon, you then scream "suicide!" and as she sits up you pop the condom in her face. Useful on girls who don't go down.

Tea Bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth, similar to a tea bag in a cup of hot water. An old time favorite.

The Andretti - When receiving road head, swerve the car left and right. Her weight shifting will enhance the sensation. Risky maneuver, so it's best if done with a toothless cocksucker and a open road.

The Angry Dragon - Immediately after blowing a load in the girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she should look like an angry dragon.

The Beefy Dunker/The Jersey Turnpike - Nailing a girl in the ass, then having her suck you off.

The Bismark/Cherry Donut/Cherry Danish - This is another one involving oral gratification. Right before you are about to bust, you pull out, shooting your load all over her face. Follow that with a punch to the nose and smear the blood and splooge together.

The Bob Marley - While getting your knob slobbed on, pull her head off right before you bust and splooge in her hair. Spin her around and twist her hair into dreadlocks just like Bob Marley.

The Bobsled - Begin by screwing a chick at the top of a staircase. Turn her around and start hammering her from behind while she's looking down the stairs. Then right before your about to blow your load, sweep her hands and legs out from underneath her and ride her down the stairs as your busting.

The Bucking Bronco - An all time classic. Start by going doggy style on a girl and just when she is really enjoying it, grab onto her tits or hips as hard and tightly as possible and call her a big fat worthless no-good bitch. More than likely she will try to escape. This gives the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

The Chilidog/The Boston Tugboat - Taking a shit on a girl's chest, then proceeding to titty fuck her.

The Dirty Harry - After banging a girl all day, have her give you a blowjob on her knees. Right before your ready to shoot your load, pull your ".44 magnum" out of her mouth and say "I know what your thinking, 'did he fire off all his loads or does he have one left?' With all this excitement I forget myself."....Knowing you got one round of goo in your "handgun" left, ask her "Do you feel lucky punk?" and shoot her in the face with your load while humming the theme song to the Clint Eastwood classic.

The Dirty Jew - A modified Donkey Punch, after punching her in the back of the head, steal her money and run out the door.

The Divot - Put your hand down the pants of some girl with a huge fur pile, grab on to as much of it as you can, scream "Fore!" and rip every last hair out. A real Golphers favorite.

The Eiffel Tower - The ultimate double team. The chick gets down on all fours, then each guy takes an end on her, one in front and one in back. Then the two guys lift both their arms in the air and do a huge "high-five", and you've got the Eiffel Tower.

The Fish Eye - From behind, you shove your finger in her ass (or his if you are in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.

The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits.

The JFK (aka "The Magic Bullet") - Slip a blindfold on a chick while she is giving you oral. At the same time, have a friend come behind her and pleasure himself behind her. Let em rip at the same time and nail the broad with goo from both sides of her head. She will always question if there was a second shooter or just a magic load.

The Missouri Compromise - When a girl will only let guys fuck her in the ass because she is still a "virgin".

The One Eyed Redskin - After banging a girl on her period, wipe the blood on her face, come in her eye, and stick a feather in her ear. Then dance around the room, naked with a towel over ur junk, yelling, "woo woo woo woo!!".

The Pepsi Challenge - Stick one finger in a girls pussy and another one in her ass, then stick either one in her mouth and see if she can guess which hole it was in.

The Predator - Get your girl to lay on her back, and you on your knees. Take a shit in your own hand, rub it all over your face, and let out a bloodcurdling scream. Much like the alien on the movie, Predator.

The Rusty Trombone - A simultaneous rimjob and handjob.

The San Fran Tickler - Straddling a girls head and titty fucking her while she tickles your asshole with her tongue.

The Screwnicorn - When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

The Shocker - While fingering a chick with your index and middle fingers, wait until she's good and horny and then quickly stick your pinky into her ass. "Two in the pink, one in the stink."

The Solitaire - This works best when done on a bed next to a wall (and in her bed). After finishing in any position, roll over, place your back against the wall and push her off the bed with your feet. Say, I prefer to sleep alone.

The Spidey - Nut in your hand and then flick your rist so that your nut flies out of your hand into her face like Spider Man.

The Stranger - This ones good because it doesn't require another person. Sit on your hand until it falls asleep then jerk off. This will simulate the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

The Wounded Pigeon (Strictly for skanks) - After being extremely aggrivated by some bitch, break her arm and make her give you a handjob.

Three Mile Island - When a guy is having sex doggy style, his partner farts and it smells so bad that he has to evacuate.

Tony Danza - A takeoff of the donkey punch is called the Tony Danza. When you are about to bust while doing a girl from behind, you yell out "Who's the boss bitch?!" Punch her in the back of the head and then yell "Tony Danza!"

Triple Crown of Sex (aka "Trifecta") - In the yapper, the snapper and the crapper all in the same session.

Vulcan Shocker - Shocker variation, two in the pink (index and middle) two in the stink (ring and pinky) Ahh Spock would be proud.

Waterfall - Have your chick bend over and grab her ankles, leaving her head low to the ground and her ass high in the air. Before banging her brains out, grab your dick and piss all over her gooch (area between the asshole and snatch) While your nailing her, the piss will flow down her ass and onto her face like a waterfall.

Whistling Dixie - After you bang a chick, snuggle and let her get comfortable. Right as she is about to fall asleep, scream "The South Will Rise Again!" and shove it in her ass.

**MuckDog** · 10-04-2005, 08:23 PM

i love this list...and it gets better each year that it comes out. one of my roommates when i lived in fla had this chick that used to love giving him blumpkins. i could never understand that and found it repulsive. and im a pretty sick mo-fo.

**The Return Of Hoss** · 10-04-2005, 08:25 PM

Whistling Dixie is decas favorite

**Deezuhl** · 10-04-2005, 08:25 PM

The list gets thicker and thicker a sick fucks think of more shit to do to bitches!! I love it... Wtaerfalls baby!!!

BG · 10-04-2005, 08:30 PM

Originally Posted by MuckDog

i love this list...and it gets better each year that it comes out. one of my roommates when i lived in fla had this chick that used to love giving him blumpkins. i could never understand that and found it repulsive. and im a pretty sick mo-fo.

That one killed me, no girl could stumoch my dumps, very good D!!!!!!!!

BG · 10-04-2005, 08:31 PM

OMG Dirty Sanchez

**Deezuhl** · 10-04-2005, 08:32 PM

Originally Posted by BigGuns101

That one killed me, no girl could stumoch my dumps, very good D!!!!!!!!

What up big guns!!! take that drive over to jerzey.. always some dirty bitches there!!!

BG · 10-04-2005, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by Deezuhl

What up big guns!!! take that drive over to jerzey.. always some dirty bitches there!!!

So I hear, went to AC only saw dirty hookers!!

BG · 10-04-2005, 08:40 PM

Your the king still, how the internet Ho's going, better now your back on!!!!!

**Deezuhl** · 10-04-2005, 08:41 PM

Originally Posted by BigGuns101

Your the king still, how the internet Ho's going, better now your back on!!!!!

holy shit yeah!! im like a dog in heat on this shit. Im only 10 days in. WTF?? hard to keep steady girls cause i try to kill em..

BG · 10-04-2005, 08:43 PM

I hear ya, my girl needs "time off", some times Im nice and I bring her an ice pac afterward!!!

BG · 10-04-2005, 08:45 PM

Shes starting to pic up the pace now though, took a little while. The P-labs test is sic, I felt my sex drive go crazy just after the first week, ans still going into week a .............................14 maybe 15, forgot when I went on , fuc it!!!!

**Deezuhl** · 10-04-2005, 08:49 PM

Keep up??? shit i was banging this 46yo internet chick on cycle last time and she nearly died underneath me.. I threw a pillow under her ass and knocked out like 3 discs in her back or some shit and then another time she hyperventilated and almost passed out. i was like" listen you arent fit to be fucking with me, your falling apart". That went over like a lead ballon..

**Deezuhl** · 10-04-2005, 08:50 PM

oh i am on all p-labs shit right now and let me tell you it buries QV.. a little more painfull cuase the mg/ml is higher but worth every .01..

BG · 10-04-2005, 08:52 PM

Originally Posted by Deezuhl

Keep up??? shit i was banging this 46yo internet chick on cycle last time and she nearly died underneath me.. I threw a pillow under her ass and knocked out like 3 discs in her back or some shit and then another time she hyperventilated and almost passed out. i was like" listen you arent fit to be fucking with me, your falling apart". That went over like a lead ballon..

HAHAHHA, old bitch deserves it !!!!!

BG · 10-04-2005, 08:54 PM

Originally Posted by Deezuhl

oh i am on all p-labs shit right now and let me tell you it buries QV.. a little more painfull cuase the mg/ml is higher but worth every .01..

The EQ started working great at week 10, better then the tren , the tren fuc'd me up. I broke out sic, was mental, and sweated a body mark in my bed every nite. Stopped after week 5 , got rid of it, not for me.

**redmango** · 10-04-2005, 08:55 PM

seal the envelope - squirt ur load between a chicks buttcheeks and push them together, let it dry and rip them apart.

thats some funny shit deezuhl

**Deezuhl** · 10-04-2005, 08:58 PM

Originally Posted by BigGuns101

The EQ started working great at week 10, better then the tren , the tren fuc'd me up. I broke out sic, was mental, and sweated a body mark in my bed every nite. Stopped after week 5 , got rid of it, not for me.

great.. i can see what i have to look forward too. I have upped the dose to 750mg ew tren too. haha

**Deezuhl** · 10-04-2005, 08:59 PM

Originally Posted by redmango

seal the envelope - squirt ur load between a chicks buttcheeks and push them together, let it dry and rip them apart.

thats some funny shit deezuhl

good shit!!! will add that one in!!!!

BG · 10-04-2005, 09:02 PM

Originally Posted by Deezuhl

great.. i can see what i have to look forward too. I have upped the dose to 750mg ew tren too. haha

You taking eq with it, not sure if that was the problem. Just started Var about 2 weeks ago, dont think Im taking a high enough dosage, 50 mg aday, maybe needs more time. Ive been slacking at gym a little also so may not feel it, yo that tren is hard core D, cant wait to see how it hits you, about week 4 I think, now that I think of it I took it for like 8 weeks, shit I got to pay attention to my cycles better

, when I came off I lost like 4 lbs. in two days .

**Deezuhl** · 10-04-2005, 09:04 PM

Originally Posted by BigGuns101

You taking eq with it, not sure if that was the problem. Just started Var about 2 weeks ago, dont think Im taking a high enough dosage, 50 mg aday, maybe needs more time. Ive been slacking at gym a little also so may not feel it, yo that tren is hard core D, cant wait to see how it hits you, about week 4 I think, now that I think of it I took it for like 8 weeks, shit I got to pay attention to my cycles better

, when I came off I lost like 4 lbs. in two days .

yeah eq at 750 ew.. i cant wait for those nasty flu like feeling cold night sweats!!!

BG · 10-04-2005, 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by Deezuhl

yeah eq at 750 ew.. i cant wait for those nasty flu like feeling cold night sweats!!!

Good nite, gotta hit the bed, hit ya off again soon, peace!!!

**CRUISECONTROL** · 10-04-2005, 09:35 PM

I'm too drunk to read all that, but what I read was some funny shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**tiger909** · 10-05-2005, 09:25 PM

The Spidey - Nut in your hand and then flick your rist so that your nut flies out of your hand into her face like Spider Man.

favorite one

**HeavyHitter** · 10-06-2005, 11:25 AM

What about the RODEO: bangin the girl doggie and then punch her in her kidneys and hold on as long as you can until she throws you off!!!

**Dally** · 10-06-2005, 11:59 AM

bangin her doggie in the can with her head in the toilet under the water and you decide when to flush to let her breath.

**skinnyhb** · 10-06-2005, 12:04 PM

the pirate: when a girl is on here knees with your man meat in her mouth, let fly the baby batter into her eye. this will cause her to stand up covering the one eye with her hand. when she does this, kick her immediately in the shin. this will leave her hobbling around with one leg and an eye covered, hopefully groaning arghhh.

also, the tar and feather (still a work in progress): erupt on some girls face and immediately go to town on her with a pillow. hit her until the pillow explodes, sending feathers everywhere, but especially all over her man glued face.