bor....people who know me please read this thread

**bor** · 02-03-2006, 06:10 PM

I wanted a thread with only people who consider me a friend or a bro to come here and read this ambien induded blog....

As you know my father died recently, he wasn't actually my father, he was my stepfather.......BUT i never really talked to my real dad who was a scumbag thinking we'll be father and son whenever he felt like it. Well, **** you real father, you never did sh!t for me, you have your life I have my own......

As I wright about my father (stepfather - but from now on father), tears still run down my face just from thinking about him...He was my best friend, he was the one that would make my problems go away and I was the one , that he knew could count on NO MATTER WHAT!Isn't that what its all about. We loved and understod eachother very much!

And now he'e gone, he was a top gastroenterologist in m country and he died of stomach cancer . ...I'm sure you can see the irony in that.....He was dying for a year and a half rigth in front of me.........When he did die I went to the hospital (I was there all the time anyway) and saw him, I don't know if it was him, it was a dead covered up body.I took up a pice of the cover saw him there, lifeless, and gave him one last kiss on the chick, and told him I loved and respected him for the last time.............................................. ............................

We burried him, the ceremony was beautifull,and after a while all the fuss sorta came down......and it was just my mom and me in appartements next to each other.....

LIfe should get back to normal, or so they say.....and it was christmats time...I am usually a ver optimistic happy person that belives that you can achieve anything just by trying hard, but .......not here...........my father was dead and there is nothing I could to bring him back...and this made me very mad......I started leaading a self-dectructive life ; I drank really heavilly, stayed out all nights, got into more figts then I can remember, luckily my friends were always two steps behind me to keep me from killin myself by doing something stupid...

And then, there was this party, that a friend of mine made, I got really drunk, did all kinds of stupid sh"t until I had an actual nervous breakdown........I went outside and just cried, and cried, and cried.....

My friends took me home to my bed to sleep, I woke up in the morning and decided that this isn't life and that I won' t no part of it!

I sat in my living room and started pounding all kinds of sh!t with alchohol because thats how I saw it done on the movies....I also had a magnum .357 in case the pills wouldn' work....Soooo after a shitload of pills I decided stop being a pussy and I took out the gun.I put it undr my chin and said ok this is it, fvck you all, you made me do this (by you I guess I meant God or someome responsible)..................closed my eyes but all that I could see was my mother crying over my dead body, my friends crying......and I decided
I won't do it for them...That decision took about 2 hours to be made...

Thankfully like a month later I went on a skiing trip with a big group of friends which showed me that my dad wants me to be happy till my time comes! And I meet a girl, who become the sun of my life, someone that doesn't want me to chnage because of her and I love her for it....

Seemes like an angel ,or my dad, sent her from above to whatch out over me....I will do mY best to repay her in any way I can, and that's a PROMISE!
Because she doesn't even realize she saved my life....

Dad, If you can see us, I miss you very much, I'm sorry for the fights we sometimes had, but I loved you, and I know you loved me too!

Stari fališ mi (that means dad I miss ya)

Thank you all for taking th time to read this

**decadbal** · 02-03-2006, 06:15 PM

wow bro, many of my close friends on here remember me posting something very similar when my dad left, its hard, and to be honest drinking doesnt help, so i had to stop, bc everytime i did, id cry and cry and talk about how i hate my life now.. which were my truest emotions at the time. now its hard when things come up about my pop, or remind me, i still cry some and hurt alot, and think of him everyday. all i can tell you is that it gets a lil easier, but thats it. not alot.. i miss my dad like nothing else in the world, i remember talking to him last like it was a week ago, and i cant wait till the time comes for me to see him again. have faith he is waiting and wanting you to enjoy your life, him seeing your happiness i assure you makes him happy as well. god bless bro, if i can help, or u wanna talk PM me for sure, i had alot of ppl here and on another board there for me, and i know many here will be there for you.. god bless you bro

**bor** · 02-03-2006, 06:17 PM

thank you alot for our response deca , i always knew we were bros, but it nice to know you have my back

thanks

**tryingtogetbig** · 02-03-2006, 06:40 PM

sorry for your loss bro. Sounds like he was one hella of a man. Take of yourself and family.

peace,

ttgb

**Commando_Barbi** · 02-03-2006, 06:48 PM

Sorry for your loss Bor. I wish I would be that sad when my old man passes but I don't think I'll shed a tear....well maybe one of regret for not having his ass thrown in jail long ago!

You are in my thoughts.

C.B.

**Kale** · 02-03-2006, 06:59 PM

Bor I am sitting here in tears reading this bro. I am so sorry for your loss mate you have no idea. I lost my daughter when she was just three and a half, to cancer, and not many people will be able to say this to you honestly, but I know what you are going through. Believe me, you will never ever get over it, but the thing is, you wont want to get over it, life will just get easier and easier to deal with as time goes by. Be strong bro, I am thinking of you !!!!

**bor** · 02-04-2006, 02:04 AM

Thank you all very much!

I'm sorry to b other yall with my sh!t, I just started writing and couldn't stop

**tryingtogetbig** · 02-04-2006, 02:06 AM

no problem at all bro. I dread the day my father passes on. I try and prepare myself for it, but I can only hope that I can survive life without him. Again, truly sorry for your loss bubba.

peace,

ttgb

**IBdmfkr** · 02-04-2006, 02:07 AM

Wow, touching Post, Hope all is well Bor. Goodluck.

**Animal Cracker** · 02-04-2006, 10:18 AM

Lots of emotions there...glad to see you decided to enjoy your life. I met my wife in a strange situation-she has changed the world for me..I have never been so down that I thought about checking myself out..but I have had some low times...No doubt that your pop wants to see you happy.

**MatrixGuy** · 02-04-2006, 12:07 PM

Bor,

Very touching post. I lost my mum to cancer when i was 18 and although it felt like life couldn't get anyworse, things do get better. I almost contemplated suicide, but didn't go through with it. As said above, your dad wouldn't want you to do that... he wants you to be happy and enjoying life. Keep your head up bro. We are all here for you.

**bor** · 02-06-2006, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by Animal Cracker

Lots of emotions there...glad to see you decided to enjoy your life. I met my wife in a strange situation-she has changed the world for me..I have never been so down that I thought about checking myself out..but I have had some low times...No doubt that your pop wants to see you happy.

THanks bro....I didn't decide to enjoy my life - it just sorta happened, and it seems to me that someone meant for it to happen...

**bor** · 02-06-2006, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by MatrixGuy

Bor,

Very touching post. I lost my mum to cancer when i was 18 and although it felt like life couldn't get anyworse, things do get better. I almost contemplated suicide, but didn't go through with it. As said above, your dad wouldn't want you to do that... he wants you to be happy and enjoying life. Keep your head up bro. We are all here for you.

I also contemplated suicide, stayed up all night long with a knife, wanting to slit my wrists.....backed out only because of the faces that kept poping out in front of me...my parents, friends, seemed to me they would miss me too much....so I just decided to postpon it and see what happens.....luckily things got better

**bor** · 02-06-2006, 10:04 AM

Again, thanks to everyone who contributed to my thread, it means a lot...

**KhrisiGirl** · 02-06-2006, 10:05 AM

Bor,
I don't know you but I just read your post and I cried. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and yours.
Someone with your passion has so much to offer. You are insightful, caring, capable of great feelings. Your girl very well may be a blessing from above but she is lucky to have you as well!
Khrisi

**spencer** · 02-06-2006, 10:29 AM

Originally Posted by bor

I wanted a thread with only people who consider me a friend or a bro to come here and read this ambien induded blog....

As you know my father died recently, he wasn't actually my father, he was my stepfather.......BUT i never really talked to my real dad who was a scumbag thinking we'll be father and son whenever he felt like it. Well, **** you real father, you never did sh!t for me, you have your life I have my own......

As I wright about my father (stepfather - but from now on father), tears still run down my face just from thinking about him...He was my best friend, he was the one that would make my problems go away and I was the one , that he knew could count on NO MATTER WHAT!Isn't that what its all about. We loved and understod eachother very much!

And now he'e gone, he was a top gastroenterologist in m country and he died of stomach cancer . ...I'm sure you can see the irony in that.....He was dying for a year and a half rigth in front of me.........When he did die I went to the hospital (I was there all the time anyway) and saw him, I don't know if it was him, it was a dead covered up body.I took up a pice of the cover saw him there, lifeless, and gave him one last kiss on the chick, and told him I loved and respected him for the last time.............................................. ............................

We burried him, the ceremony was beautifull,and after a while all the fuss sorta came down......and it was just my mom and me in appartements next to each other.....

LIfe should get back to normal, or so they say.....and it was christmats time...I am usually a ver optimistic happy person that belives that you can achieve anything just by trying hard, but .......not here...........my father was dead and there is nothing I could to bring him back...and this made me very mad......I started leaading a self-dectructive life ; I drank really heavilly, stayed out all nights, got into more figts then I can remember, luckily my friends were always two steps behind me to keep me from killin myself by doing something stupid...

And then, there was this party, that a friend of mine made, I got really drunk, did all kinds of stupid sh"t until I had an actual nervous breakdown........I went outside and just cried, and cried, and cried.....

My friends took me home to my bed to sleep, I woke up in the morning and decided that this isn't life and that I won' t no part of it!

I sat in my living room and started pounding all kinds of sh!t with alchohol because thats how I saw it done on the movies....I also had a magnum .357 in case the pills wouldn' work....Soooo after a shitload of pills I decided stop being a pussy and I took out the gun.I put it undr my chin and said ok this is it, fvck you all, you made me do this (by you I guess I meant God or someome responsible)..................closed my eyes but all that I could see was my mother crying over my dead body, my friends crying......and I decided
I won't do it for them...That decision took about 2 hours to be made...

Thankfully like a month later I went on a skiing trip with a big group of friends which showed me that my dad wants me to be happy till my time comes! And I meet a girl, who become the sun of my life, someone that doesn't want me to chnage because of her and I love her for it....

Seemes like an angel ,or my dad, sent her from above to whatch out over me....I will do mY best to repay her in any way I can, and that's a PROMISE!
Because she doesn't even realize she saved my life....

Dad, If you can see us, I miss you very much, I'm sorry for the fights we sometimes had, but I loved you, and I know you loved me too!

Stari fališ mi (that means dad I miss ya)

Thank you all for taking th time to read this

fukking close to tears here mate, very glad to hear you better now. sorry for your loss and glad you found an good girl.

spencer

**spencer** · 02-06-2006, 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by Kale

Bor I am sitting here in tears reading this bro. I am so sorry for your loss mate you have no idea. I lost my daughter when she was just three and a half, to cancer, and not many people will be able to say this to you honestly, but I know what you are going through. Believe me, you will never ever get over it, but the thing is, you wont want to get over it, life will just get easier and easier to deal with as time goes by. Be strong bro, I am thinking of you !!!!

sorry to hear that too mate, my stomach turns at the thought of losing my daughter, god knows how strong u must be.