another annoying relationship question...

**squatdaddy** · 07-13-2006, 10:42 PM

... with a twist
here is the situation, I knew my wife for almost 20 years, most of that time spent being very good friends... friendship was tough because I always wanted more but would resign myself to the fact that friends would be all we ever amount to... because of this we would have this odd friendship... we would literaly spend a week straight hanging out then I would go scarce for over a month or more because of my desires for her would make it hard to stay at a friendship level... this went on for years (more on this later)... about ten years ago we effectively "ended" our friendship with a kiss... this should of made me the happiest guy in the world and in part it did, unfortunately it came at a bad time, she was in a BAD spot in her life which made me question whether her feelings for me were true or was this new found relationship out of convenice... she knew I was a good guy and safe... this nagged at me for a couple of years... during that time of questioning her motives I wasn't exactly faithful, in fact I carried on a relationship on the side for almost two years, not to mention a one night stand... certain events transpired that removed all doubt from my mind that what she felt for me was purely love and not just neediness... when I realized this I immediately ended all other ties with anyone else because in fairness I really wanted to be with my now wife and to know without a doubt she wanted me was a dream come true, as I said, you would have to know the situation to understand why I questioned it for so long... Once I am all in, I am not a cheater... recently we have been on this wonderful path of rediscovery (kids, house, jobs, life all get in the way sometimes and allows you to lose focus) Not that we ever fought before but we are once again in this perfect bliss and after 20 years and 10 year relationship I have once again learned things about my wife that are incredable and amazing... she truly is all I ever wanted... anyway as stated earlier, I crushed on her forever, come to find out she did the same and has real proof to confirm it so it seems all like that fairy tale... here is the thing, though we have talked about our beginning (relationship-wise) and she knows my doubts about her motives initially, she knows nothing about the cheating I did... I married her 6 years ago and it's been 7+ years since any of that went on... I highly doubt she would ever find out based on the facts that I employ CYA (cover your ass) and so much time has passed... here is the question, knowing that this will probably never surface would you risk what you have now on diggin up a skeleton or allow it to stay buried in the past

**Pooks** · 07-13-2006, 10:52 PM

Bury it please bro.
U know its gonna hurt her, why do that to her.. maybe tell her u have to talk about somethign important.. than tell her how much u love her.. and if she asks is that it,, just say "yeah" lol and consider that that talk lol there you've done it, u've talked about it.. wasn't that how u were gonna conclude it anyways, with how much u love her lol

(i'm kinda emotional right now too, but than that is when we think and act with the heart)

**one8nine** · 07-14-2006, 12:46 AM

if she never knows she never hurts for it why hurt her for no reason as long as you know its not goign to happen again. you cant fix the past but you can bring happyness into the future and do what you know is right.

**beuleux** · 07-14-2006, 04:45 AM

Def keep it burried, if it ever comes out in the future deal with it then, but the hurt then will be no greater than the hurt now, honesty is an admirable quality but lets face it uve got to draw the line somewhere on what ur prepared to be honest about, weve all got innermost secrets that we tell no one no matter how honest we are, this cheating of urs belongs with those secrets.

**Mizfit** · 07-14-2006, 05:37 AM

Leave it buried all you wanna do is clear your concioence.

Live with what you did. your relationship will not survive what you did.

Logically i would say i would want to know.. but logically i will also tell you i would dump your ass because i wouldn't be abvle to live with the betrayal.

**Mizfit** · 07-14-2006, 05:37 AM

Ignorance is blisss in this case. BUt i do think what you did is so very wrong and your a complete fukin ASS for cheating in the first place FYI.

**squatdaddy** · 07-14-2006, 09:07 AM

Originally Posted by Mizfit

Ignorance is blisss in this case. BUt i do think what you did is so very wrong and your a complete fukin ASS for cheating in the first place FYI.

You are absolutely right I was that...
here is the situation, in 1992 she was going to get married to a guy she didn't love, how do I know? We were good friends as I mentioned and we talked on the phone one night, all night a week prior to her wedding.. she cried hard to me on the phone telling me how much she didn't want to marry this guy, she simply didn't love him in that way... when I asked why she said her parents loved him, probably more than they loved her, she felt she would betray her parents if she didn't marry him... you would have to know her parents to understand why she felt like this... I know that now... anyway she got married and it was one of those times that we eventually lost contact again... once again, my feelings made it hard to be "just friends" and I wouldn't do that to her, not being married... right after their marriage he went on a long 12 month assignment with the navy... during this time she met someone else and fell in love, eventually having a child with this guy... when her husband came back (while she was pregnant) she told him about the affair and the feelings and all that... she decided to end it with the other guy and make a go with her husband... still the old problems, she just didn't love him (mind you, I know all parties) they eventually split and she tried to work things out with the baby's dad... he came back in the picture but really took it out on her and basically just used her for sex, her hopes was that he would eventually come around to really wanting her and the baby... didn't happen... really messed her up and within a few months of this she was married to yet another guy as a total rebound... he was abusive (confirmed with others on this) and she ended it by getting her head back in the game... along comes me, just ending a fairly longish relationship myself and we hook up... at this point she is still living with this guy but trying to get out... within a few weeks of dating her, she finally gets her own appartment but she has NOTHING, not a dish, not a piece of food... she got her car repossessed, filed bankruptcy and end up on the wealthfaire system... for me at the time it just seemed a little conveniant that all of the sudden she is professing these feeling for me, and trust me, if it was anyone else I would of never thought about being there... no way...
In my mind she still had unresolved issues with the baby's dad and an emotional wreck of a person so I was excited about dating this girl that I pined away for so long about but I was really leary given the baggage...
I know I made her sound unstable but I wouldn't of been as attracted to her if I thought this... she follows her heart more than her head... that is her downfall, always has been... otherwise she is an awesome girl... never did drugs, hard to get her to drink... 20 years of knowing her and never heard her use a cuss word, not even at her maddest... also in the same time frame has never even passed gass in front of me, not how she was raised... (oh, don't get the wrong idea... she is NOT a prude... not even a little)
What changed my mind was when her son was turing 4 (about two years later) She came to me and told me that for her son's sake she thought it would only be fair to him to allow the dad to see him... course I said OK, I understood that... during that time I realized that she was proud of our relationship and what we have... made me realize I wasn't there just because she was needy / rebounding or whatever.. that it was truly because she wanted to be with me... it was my first time realizing this... after this I was completely in... as it happens the "dad" jerked out one more time and scorned her child in a very devistating way... at this time I also realized that I had fell in love with this child... when the dad did this I knew what I had to do... I start a petition for adoption which the dad was only to willing to sign off all rights... we married and eventually had a child so we have two boys and life is good... wish I could rewrite the past and I am not trying to justify what I did... just giving a little insight into my own thought process
but thanks all for the responses and the opportunaty to share this
~squatdaddy~

**Sage** · 07-14-2006, 09:11 AM

daym, i ain't reading all that shit.......

**beuleux** · 07-14-2006, 09:17 AM

Man you better hope she never signs up to this board and reads this. In all fairness and its not just a guy thing from what you say I think youve done the right thing so far... none of us are perfect and yeh cheating is a bad thing to do in a relationship... but let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Just keep schtoom

**beuleux** · 07-14-2006, 09:18 AM

Originally Posted by Sage

daym, i ain't reading all that shit.......

It aint that bad in fact this guy could make a novel out of this lol

**Juicy Sauce** · 07-14-2006, 09:31 AM

i have to agree with everyone else. whats done is done. bringing it up will only hurt and cause problems. everyone has to live with something on there concioence, but i think that everything happens for a reason. the past is what made you who you are. now is the time to enjoy your wife and bring good feelings into her life. you cant change the past but you can make the future beter for both of you.