Sex Etiquette

[Mizfit]

Sex expert Sarah Hedley tells you how to mind your post-coital Ps and Qs…


Whether you're escaping a one-night stand, trying to secure a repeat performance after first-time sex with a new honey, or simply making out with your other half there are strict codes of PC (post-coital) conduct that should be followed at all times…

PC CONDUCT # 1: Cleaning up
First things first: the second you finish bumping genitals you have - assuming the encounter was fruitful - some man juice to deal with. If you're sensible this will be neatly stored in the nib of the condom you're wearing.

Carefully remove it so your tadpoles can't take a swim in the wrong direction, tie a knot in the end, then at your earliest convenience wrap it in tissue paper and make a deposit in the nearest bin. Simple.

If you're using the withdrawal method, making a deposit is an entirely more random matter. Step one: avoid staining other people's bedding, and therefore issues over who gets to sleep in the wet patch. Step two: aim for yourself if you're on a first date. Step three: if you do spray seed over a lover, shoot below the neck. Porn facials do nothing for real women. Far better to aim for the breasts, then massage your home-grown lube into our contours.

And by the way, if the thought of getting your mitts among your own sperm freaks you out, don't let it show. Think of it like this - if you don't want to come into contact with it, why the hell should we?

Likewise, post-coital showering can be a good thing when done together with plenty of soapy massages to go round, and it's entirely acceptable to slip in for a quickie when you're about to leave for work. But compulsively showering the second sex is over suggests you have issues with getting down dirty. Did nobody ever tell you sex was meant to be dirty? Chill out, dude, or see a therapist.

PC CONDUCT # 2: Never ask if she… 'you know'
If she did orgasm and you didn't notice, she may be offended. If she didn't orgasm and you didn't notice, she'll probably want to punch you in the testicles. Hard.

The best way to find out for sure without finding yourself and your naked knackers in the proximity of an angry woman is to watch for physical clues.

During orgasm her breasts can swell by up to 25 percent, skin reddening known as a sex flush may occur across the neck and chest, breathing quickens and contractions of approximately 0.8 seconds occur in the vaginal muscles. If you notice any of these vital signs - Bingo!

If you don't, go easy on yourself. Figures from the Durex's Global Sex Survey 2004 show that only 17 percent of women orgasm every time they have sex compared with 45 percent of men, and 39 percent of women admit to faking it from time to time. Get over it; if we're daft enough to fake it that's our problem.

PC CONDUCT # 3: Observe the post-pop period
Assuming you both had an orgasm, or are at least pretending to have had one, for a minimum of ten minutes afterwards you should bask in post-pop bliss as a way of showing your appreciation.

Don't switch on the TV, answer your cell phone, ask where the nearest bus stop is, make small talk or fart like a bagpipe. (You'll know which faux pas you're guilty of depending on how long you've been in a relationship, whether that's 20 minutes, 20 days or 20 years.

Opinions are being formed about your performance in these crucial moments and your consequent behaviour can sway your sexual marks out of ten.

The skin is extra sensitive post-orgasm so a little gentle stroking across neglected erogenous zones like her back will send out the right feel-good endorphins.

At the same time, talk positively about your own experience - a whispered "that was amazing, honey" will do. But never say "thank you" - she wasn't providing a service so thanking her for one is the social equivalent of leaving 50 bucks on her dressing table on your way out.

PC CONDUCT # 4: Sleep at your own risk
Falling asleep immediately after sex can leave a wide-awake partner feeling used. If you insist on doing this at least explain why you do it by passing the buck and giving biology the blame.

The fact is, after sex men experience an entirely different surge of hormones to women. In men arousal levels drop rapidly, heart rates fall and sleep hormones flood the system. You roll over like a sack of 'soon-to-be-ex-if-you're-not-careful', and she phones a friend to tell them about the several levels on which you deeply disappoint her.

There's an equally valid reason for her loquaciousness. After women hit the high notes, hormones responsible for feelings of creativity are released in their bodies making them feel the need to talk. Ain't Mother Nature an ironic bitch?

Another point you could raise if you can stay awake long enough to string a sentence together, is that world famous sex expert, Betty Dodson took sex workshops where women were asked to get down on the floor and simulate sex in the missionary position from the man's perspective. Most women only lasted five minutes before they were totally knackered demonstrating Betty's point that not all men are lazy wankers. Good on ya, Betty.

If that argument doesn't placate your partner (and we have a feeling it might not), perhaps it's time to shake up your routine. Avoid having sex last thing at night or share a shower after a spot of horizontal jogging to wake you up (see PC Conduct # 2).

PC CONDUCT # 5: Be second-time lucky
Another way to keep your attention focused is to go for sex a second time around, but remember even if you're raring to go, her clitoris may need time to recover.


Think of the clitoris as a tiny penis. It's packed with the same number of nerve endings only they cover a much smaller surface area making it way more sensitive.

OK, so it doesn't have to be erect to get the party started, but it may need a breather, so try a little erotic massage between courses (or, in man-speak, concentrate on kneading her butt and thigh muscles rather than her back) for optimum results.

PC CONDUCT # 6: Health and safety laws Only consider smoking after sex if she lights up first, and don't feel it's impolite to ask her not to smoke if you don't. Smoking and sex work in opposite directions; sex is good for you if practiced safely. Smoking can - among several other things - limit blood flow to the genitals, reduce sensation, affect your ability to get it up, lower libido, and give you a heart attack.

Having a heart attack after sex is the absolute height of bad manners. Out of common courtesy to yourself and others look after your organs both north and south of the belt.


PC CONDUCT # 7: When sex goes wrong
Decorum dictates a certain approach to sexual disasters. You come before you've finished your first thrust? You apologise and offer to give her oral sex. Your beard leaves her with stubble rash? You apologise and offer to shave. At the moment of climax you scream another woman's name? You apologise and offer to leave.

Hopefully you can see a pattern forming? If you step across the line sexual airs and graces, rather than mumble a token apology, show that you're sorry with some appropriate action.

The condom breaks? You apologise and offer to pay for emergency contraception. OK, so it's nobody's fault, but it's better to share the burden of a problem than find you're a parent nine months later. And if the worst should happen, both of you need to get tested for STIs rather than risk passing them on to anyone else - that's just good manners, plain and simple.

PC CONDUCT # 8: Should I stay or should I go?
For one-night stands and first-night frolics, a simple, "Do you mind if I stay over?" delivered shortly after the resting period (see PC Conduct # 4) is de rigeur if you're at her place and want to crash.

Never assume it's OK to stay without an invite, even if you're already buck naked in bed. She may be married or living with her parents, or like 20 percent of women who answered a recent Cliterati.co.uk survey, she may just want some no-strings no-sleepover rumpy - contrary to popular belief, men don't hold the monopoly on hit-and-run sex, you know.

If the feeling's mutual, or you've just sobered up and realised you're as close up to ugly as you ever want to get, say that your sick pet needs medication administered last thing at night and first thing in the morning daily - otherwise it will die. Look simultaneously sad and sincere, then make like a tree and leave.

If, on the other hand, she's at your place, be grateful that you've just learned one of the golden rules to being a man: Never invite a woman back to your place unless you're absolutely sober and/or positive you want to see her again. And again. And again. And again…

PC CONDUCT # 9: House rules
If you take a gal back to your pad you should be able to provide condoms, lubricant, refreshments, toilet roll (more than three sheets), mouthwash and other essential toiletries, plus use of a phone so she can let someone know exactly where she is. If she doesn't think to do that, suggest it yourself to gain extra brownie points in the 'conscientious and caring' categories.

Expect the same facilities if she invites you back to her place, and show her you're fully house-trained by putting the toilet seat down after you take a leak, tidy away condoms (see PC Conduct # 1), and don't use her toothbrush.


If you haven't brought your own toothbrush, a rinse with mouthwash will have to do. If you have brought a toothbrush, don't let her see it. She'll think you're a regular stop-out.

Finally - and I shouldn't have to say this, but according to a new survey from Queendom.com, I do - DON'T steal her panties or any other memento as a sexual trophy. To the 40 percent of you who admit to doing just that: you tools! May God strike you down if they were part of a matching set.

PC CONDUCT # 10: The day after the night before
Though you can leave up to three days to call a woman after a non-sexual date, any encounter involving below-the-belt contact requires a more speedy response.

If you'd like a repeat performance, call or text within 24 hours with a casual line like: "I had a great time last night; wanna do it again soon?" For a more severe charm offensive, send flowers.

To avoid ever seeing your date again, simply brag about your conquest openly and loudly to anyone who'll listen. Word will get back to her faster than a bunch of same-day-delivery daffodils and she'll delete your number sooner than she can say 'asshole!'.

[heavyrotation92]

way too long.... cliffnotes?

[juiceboxxx]

way too long.... cliffnotes?

lol agree

[beuleux]

Damn... how am I sposed to remember all that. Looks like its back to the time honoured method

mizfit does your boss know youve spent the last half hour typing that LOL

[Mizfit]

Damn... how am I sposed to remember all that. Looks like its back to the time honoured method

mizfit does your boss know youve spent the last half hour typing that LOL

copy and paste my dear
It's Friday and this is my lunch hour -I also get here 2 hr's before i start - highly doubt it matters

[beuleux]

copy and paste my dear
It's Friday and this is my lunch hour -I also get here 2 hr's before i start - highly doubt it matters

Hey its not like Im going to tell on you or anything

[IronFreakX]

WTF is all this crap

After screaming and cussing when ur done cumming, u regain ur breathing, look at her, kiss her....assuming u both came you both lay down in bed with grins on ur faces and laughing about nething that comes to mind then it's either
a)sleep
b)more sex

[Katelette81]

Well put! Sounds like a perfect evening/afternoon/morning

[IronFreakX]

Well put! Sounds like a perfect evening/afternoon/morning

My post not hers right?

[Katelette81]

LOL.. yes Iron.. yours. No muss, no fuss

[Katelette81]

Well..hopefully a bit of muss if you're lucky...haha

[Dave321]

did I piss you off with my bad etiquette Mizzy?

[FranKieC]

Breast swell up to 25% dayum!!!

[Mizfit]

did I piss you off with my bad etiquette Mizzy?

[Smart@$$]

How the hell did I miss this thread? Anyhow if you guys follow this, it may be a double-edged sword. She may fall in love, seriously it happens.

[aadrenaline]

"During orgasm her breasts can swell by up to 25 percent, skin reddening known as a sex flush may occur across the neck and chest, breathing quickens and contractions of approximately 0.8 seconds occur in the vaginal muscles. If you notice any of these vital signs - Bingo! "

thats my favorite part!!!

[Mighty Joe]

Wow, they have really cool lunch hours in Toronto!

[monstermasss]

good post but i dont know about all of that and i never sleep in the wet spot!!!

[Teabagger]

good post but i dont know about all of that and i never sleep in the wet spot!!!

Correct you are. I never sleep in the wet spot..I think the woman is geneticlly geared to sleep on our vital bodily fluids, the essence of life, the seed of all that is great, and to continue to absorb our life giving man juice.

[GREENMACHINE]

I actually took the time to read the whole thing mizfit. Good post.

[aadrenaline]

Correct you are. I never sleep in the wet spot..I think the woman is geneticlly geared to sleep on our vital bodily fluids, the essence of life, the seed of all that is great, and to continue to absorb our life giving man juice.

ahmen

[Diezed]

"Think of the clitoris as a tiny penis" NO THANKS

[RA]

"Think of the clitoris as a tiny penis" NO THANKS

No kidding. That will be the last time I touch that thing..

[Mizfit]

No kidding. That will be the last time I touch that thing..

there r alternatives go for it

For some it's the better way

[RA]

there r alternatives go for it

For some it's the better way

Now your not being nice.

[Doc.Sust]

Now your not being nice.

is she ever niceJ/k

[RA]

is she ever niceJ/k

Good point.

[firmechicano831]

It was long like mine but good.

[Mizfit]

is she ever niceJ/k

I'm a total sweetheart, just brutally honest

[rake922]

Never put chocolate syrup on her head

[spywizard]

you've just sobered up and realised you're as close up to ugly as you ever want to get



and never use her curtains to clean up after a greek session..

[Herris]

Have sex everywhere but the bed and no one has to sleep in the wet spot. ;-)

[Kale]

Only a woman could right that. I would love to see the male version !

[RA]

Only a woman could right that. I would love to see the male version !

It would be a very intense 5 minute read..

[slob]

it would go something like this:

* who ever comes first, wins.

[Big Broker 1]

it would go something like this:

* who ever comes first, wins.

some one has to write the male version...

[taiboxa]

i loveyou mizz

[chest6]

old sure but I only got through about a quarter of it