worst phase in my life

[stewie]

did u ever feel like everything u do is worthless
im really depressed and had no one to talk to but this form
i got kicked out of college, parents having a divorce, my own brother who lives with me wont even talk to me, and above all this im almost broke, i even cut my freinds off
i just dont feel human anymore, everything i worked for went down the sink
all i do is sleep, work and workout after midnight.
what a ****ing pathetic life. and the best part is u have to keep all this shit to ureself
i really dont know what to do. this life is just full of shit

[LX-1]

join the military.

[G-1000]

you need a puppy.

[Brazil]

Well the only place to go when your way down is up right? Ive been down in the dumps, Im not too high up now. I had a dream last night of my wife banging someone else (shes in brazil im not) All I do is work and think of the day when I will be with her again ( she cant come here for another 7 years) you will get through it dont worry.....

[StoneGRMI]

Well the only place to go when your way down is up right? Ive been down in the dumps, Im not too high up now. I had a dream last night of my wife banging someone else (shes in brazil im not) All I do is work and think of the day when I will be with her again ( she cant come here for another 7 years) you will get through it dont worry.....

Damn that sucks... 7 years? How often do you go there?

Stewie, you'll be okay man. I've been in the dumps for many reasons and you just have to find some sort of positive out of what your doing and build upon it.

[Brazil]

well i left this year in may and im going to see her for two weeks in dec. Ill be moving there again next year in december for good until she can come back. Let the Real cycles begin hahahah pharmacy direct lol

[lucabratzi]

bro we've all been there before...but the real men are the ones that make it through it....i try to think of it that way...i've been depressed before...usually for no reason...it will just be a phase for a while then i'll be fine again...once everything works out and the stress is relieved u'll be alot better...keep ur head up...

[dedic8ed1]

try and set some goals and build some moral bro I was pretty fuked up like this before and slept in the woods and took the bus to work for 15 months all bullshit passes it's how you deal with it that will define what kind of a man your are,keep your head up it'll pass

[Timm1704]

dont know what to say really, apart from we have ALL been there, sometimes not as severe as others, but it still feels like that to us. AND, more importantly, things ALWAYS work out in the end. keep your chin up, dont cut yourself off from your friends, and hey, have a wank. i always feel better, and my head always feels clear, even if its only for afew minutes, after i get a load off lol

[Kärnfysikern]

I was seriously depressed for 3 years so I know how you feel.

The best thing you can possibly do is force yourself to think positivly. Even if it feels fake at first. Life is to damn good to go through depressed. Enjoy the small parts of life, the good workouts, the nice meals, getting laid.

[IronFreakX]

Be happy this is happening, Be really happy.

Ive had 2 accidents last month, a nasty spider bite which left a nice scar actually, Almost ran out of money, not to mention almost died 3 times that month.

I was feeling like shit during that month really SHITTY, when the month was over, now, Im happy it happened, It makes everything else I go through look like nothing.

Take this time to think about what's happeneing, why it's happening, how you can better and remember when this is over you'll be happy to be alive.

[Growingpains]

listen to bob marley, surround yourself with good vibes, meet cool peeps in the gym (maybe you can get in there earlier), go out and meet some hotties, enroll in a community college with night classes, get a part time job during the day and your golden man!

[goodcents]

I was seriously depressed for 3 years so I know how you feel.

The best thing you can possibly do is force yourself to think positivly. Even if it feels fake at first. Life is to damn good to go through depressed. Enjoy the small parts of life, the good workouts, the nice meals, getting laid.

If you don't mind me asking what were you depressed about? You have come a long ways since I've joined this board ( I use to read it long before I joined) with the new girl and the help you give on this board. You are an example of what focus does, glad you chimed in for the fellow bro that's depressed.

[Liftnainez]

I was seriously depressed for 3 years so I know how you feel.

The best thing you can possibly do is force yourself to think positivly. Even if it feels fake at first. Life is to damn good to go through depressed. Enjoy the small parts of life, the good workouts, the nice meals, getting laid.

Amen..

[Kärnfysikern]

If you don't mind me asking what were you depressed about? You have come a long ways since I've joined this board ( I use to read it long before I joined) with the new girl and the help you give on this board. You are an example of what focus does, glad you chimed in for the fellow bro that's depressed.

Thanks bro. I dont mind at all but its a LONG story.

I guess my depression had several reasons. My dad is a alcoholic and has been all my life. A mean one aswell. He was never mean to me for some reason but always to my mom. My mom was pretty sic, bad rheumatoid arthritis so she could never defend herself. Most of my dads abuse against her was mental but sometimes physical and I always hated myself for never stepping betwen them to help mom. So I went through my life totaly shut of mentaly and emotionaly. Just faking beeing happy so good that I belived it myself. The worst moment was when my dad tried to choke my mom when I was 14 and I could hear her scream but I didnt dare to help her. After that mom was very withdrawn and cold and I just though she hated me now because I was such a coward.

When I was 15 my mom died, it left me with no chanse to ever know what mom feelt and if she hated me. Now my dad could only turn his anger and self loathing towards me and he started to realy break me down. When I was 18 I guess something in my mind just snapped and I fell down into the depression. Me and my dads last argument soon after I turned 18 almost ended with me beating him to death(I restrained myself after I had thrown him onto the floor, was holding him with one arm ready to start swinging with the other) but I managed to restrain myself because I knew if I did this I wouldnt stop. It was the first and last time I was ever physical towards him. before that moment I was just to afraid of him even though I was much bigger and stronger. He had managed to break me down so much mentaly.

So I got my own place and more or less shut away all my friends and just spent all my time loathing myself, trying to muster the guts to commit suicide and beeing consumed by how much I hate that son of a bitch. Soon after I finished high school and moved far far away to start university thinking it was what I needed. But that backfired on me because I had developed social anxiety and I just could not stand beeing around people anymore.
So I became more lonely then ever and more depressed than ever. I was just at rock bottom. To make things worse I totaly ****ed up my back aswell during that period so I was in constant pain, I had chronic insomnia and constant depression. I didnt go to class, I didnt do anything just sat at home and crying day in and day out. Cutting myself, smoking pot. I was just pathetic. For almost a year I didnt socialise with anyone outside of classes and even then I just keept to myself. I could go a entire week without even saying hello to anyone. I tried to hook up with a few chicks but I was such a wreck that I just got the classic "Just want to be friends" comment and that sure didnt help my depression.

At the end of my first year at uni my friends came to visit me in the spring, when they where about to head home to our hometown again I just could not stand the idea of beeing alone anymore so I quit university and went with them back to my hometown. I spent a few weeks there and later on in the summer I rented out my place and moved to my sisters place and lived there for a year. Didnt tell anyone how depressed I was though so all the time I struggled to hide how horrible I feelt. I spent alot of time on lone walks in the woods. Often brining a knife with me just to se if I could manage to end it.

But during spring 2005 something changed. I guess I was just sick and tired of beeing a trainwreck. I realised that the only way to make life worth living is if I ****ing struggle for it. SSRI's hadnt helped, counceling hadnt helped. It was me alone and no one else to relie on.
One thing that realy had a HUGE impact on me was the book "the art of happines" by Dalai Lama. That book changed me. I started to struggle to follow his advice. I forced myself to the se the positiv in everything no matter how hard it was. I started meditating to beat my insomnia and slowely I started to pull out of the depression. I started waking up in the morning with a positive attitude and not just loathing the day and wishing for sleep again. I stopped thinking about suicide and death. I started to realise how much joy there is in the small things in life again. I rediscovered my passion for physics and started to prepare to get back to uni. I just took controll of my life again. I guess a important thing was also that I stopped hating my dad. I just realised he is a phatetic son of a bitch and it isnt worth it to go around and hate him. If I do I will become like him.

I guess you could say I fully realised that how we feel is up to ourself and no one else. Even if bad things happen we are in controll of how it makes us feel. Its a descision to feel good and its a descision to be depressed. Even if it isnt a concsious descision we are in controll of it through our though patterns.
Negative thoughs breed more negative thoughs and after a while we get caught in a negative spiral and just makes us more and more depressed. But positive thoughs breed more positive thoughs and can create a positive spiral. It just takes ALOT of effort and the willingness to let go of shit. For 3 years I was depressed and for all my life I had thought myself to repress all my emotions.

I am not fully recovered. My self respect and self worth still isnt the best and I still have social anxiety but its controllable. I have alot of troubble showing and recognising my own emotions even now. Hiding everything is a hard habit to break.
It took my dad 18 years to break me so I guess it will take a couple of years to rebuild that. I still havent fully forgiven myself for not helping mom either. Thats something Im going to have to live with. Atleast I can look myself in the mirror and know that I was just a kid and I couldnt act like a hero.

Thats my story long post. Anyway life now is perfect to me. I am truly happy for the first time in my life and I hope I will never sink down in a depression like that again. Nothing is worse than waking up each day and hating life. I would do everything I can to help people out of the shithole a depression is. No one deserves to be mentaly trapped in such a horrible place.

[audis4]

Wow Johan, that is one crazy story!!! Did you grow up in sweden? I'm glad everything has turned out for the best. Sorry to hear about your mom.

[stewie]

wow
and i thought few people make it through these situations

[Mizfit]

Thanks bro. I dont mind at all but its a LONG story.

I guess my depression had several reasons. My dad is a alcoholic and has been all my life. A mean one aswell. He was never mean to me for some reason but always to my mom. My mom was pretty sic, bad rheumatoid arthritis so she could never defend herself. Most of my dads abuse against her was mental but sometimes physical and I always hated myself for never stepping betwen them to help mom. So I went through my life totaly shut of mentaly and emotionaly. Just faking beeing happy so good that I belived it myself. The worst moment was when my dad tried to choke my mom when I was 14 and I could hear her scream but I didnt dare to help her. After that mom was very withdrawn and cold and I just though she hated me now because I was such a coward.

When I was 15 my mom died, it left me with no chanse to ever know what mom feelt and if she hated me. Now my dad could only turn his anger and self loathing towards me and he started to realy break me down. When I was 18 I guess something in my mind just snapped and I fell down into the depression. Me and my dads last argument soon after I turned 18 almost ended with me beating him to death(I restrained myself after I had thrown him onto the floor, was holding him with one arm ready to start swinging with the other) but I managed to restrain myself because I knew if I did this I wouldnt stop. It was the first and last time I was ever physical towards him. before that moment I was just to afraid of him even though I was much bigger and stronger. He had managed to break me down so much mentaly.

So I got my own place and more or less shut away all my friends and just spent all my time loathing myself, trying to muster the guts to commit suicide and beeing consumed by how much I hate that son of a bitch. Soon after I finished high school and moved far far away to start university thinking it was what I needed. But that backfired on me because I had developed social anxiety and I just could not stand beeing around people anymore.
So I became more lonely then ever and more depressed than ever. I was just at rock bottom. To make things worse I totaly ****ed up my back aswell during that period so I was in constant pain, I had chronic insomnia and constant depression. I didnt go to class, I didnt do anything just sat at home and crying day in and day out. Cutting myself, smoking pot. I was just pathetic. For almost a year I didnt socialise with anyone outside of classes and even then I just keept to myself. I could go a entire week without even saying hello to anyone. I tried to hook up with a few chicks but I was such a wreck that I just got the classic "Just want to be friends" comment and that sure didnt help my depression.

At the end of my first year at uni my friends came to visit me in the spring, when they where about to head home to our hometown again I just could not stand the idea of beeing alone anymore so I quit university and went with them back to my hometown. I spent a few weeks there and later on in the summer I rented out my place and moved to my sisters place and lived there for a year. Didnt tell anyone how depressed I was though so all the time I struggled to hide how horrible I feelt. I spent alot of time on lone walks in the woods. Often brining a knife with me just to se if I could manage to end it.

But during spring 2005 something changed. I guess I was just sick and tired of beeing a trainwreck. I realised that the only way to make life worth living is if I ****ing struggle for it. SSRI's hadnt helped, counceling hadnt helped. It was me alone and no one else to relie on.
One thing that realy had a HUGE impact on me was the book "the art of happines" by Dalai Lama. That book changed me. I started to struggle to follow his advice. I forced myself to the se the positiv in everything no matter how hard it was. I started meditating to beat my insomnia and slowely I started to pull out of the depression. I started waking up in the morning with a positive attitude and not just loathing the day and wishing for sleep again. I stopped thinking about suicide and death. I started to realise how much joy there is in the small things in life again. I rediscovered my passion for physics and started to prepare to get back to uni. I just took controll of my life again. I guess a important thing was also that I stopped hating my dad. I just realised he is a phatetic son of a bitch and it isnt worth it to go around and hate him. If I do I will become like him.

I guess you could say I fully realised that how we feel is up to ourself and no one else. Even if bad things happen we are in controll of how it makes us feel. Its a descision to feel good and its a descision to be depressed. Even if it isnt a concsious descision we are in controll of it through our though patterns.
Negative thoughs breed more negative thoughs and after a while we get caught in a negative spiral and just makes us more and more depressed. But positive thoughs breed more positive thoughs and can create a positive spiral. It just takes ALOT of effort and the willingness to let go of shit. For 3 years I was depressed and for all my life I had thought myself to repress all my emotions.

I am not fully recovered. My self respect and self worth still isnt the best and I still have social anxiety but its controllable. I have alot of troubble showing and recognising my own emotions even now. Hiding everything is a hard habit to break.
It took my dad 18 years to break me so I guess it will take a couple of years to rebuild that. I still havent fully forgiven myself for not helping mom either. Thats something Im going to have to live with. Atleast I can look myself in the mirror and know that I was just a kid and I couldnt act like a hero.

Thats my story long post. Anyway life now is perfect to me. I am truly happy for the first time in my life and I hope I will never sink down in a depression like that again. Nothing is worse than waking up each day and hating life. I would do everything I can to help people out of the shithole a depression is. No one deserves to be mentaly trapped in such a horrible place.

Sounds similar to my life- i left home at 16 - I handled it a bit differently, but i guess no family is picture pefect - and we spend more times presenting an image of what we want things to look like to those around us and they rarely get a glipse inot what is actually going on.

People only know what u want them to know... It's a long road to figure out that you can trust people and your own emotions after going thrugh stuff like this.

[Doc.Sust]

Thanks bro. I dont mind at all but its a LONG story.

I guess my depression had several reasons. My dad is a alcoholic and has been all my life. A mean one aswell. He was never mean to me for some reason but always to my mom. My mom was pretty sic, bad rheumatoid arthritis so she could never defend herself. Most of my dads abuse against her was mental but sometimes physical and I always hated myself for never stepping betwen them to help mom. So I went through my life totaly shut of mentaly and emotionaly. Just faking beeing happy so good that I belived it myself. The worst moment was when my dad tried to choke my mom when I was 14 and I could hear her scream but I didnt dare to help her. After that mom was very withdrawn and cold and I just though she hated me now because I was such a coward.

When I was 15 my mom died, it left me with no chanse to ever know what mom feelt and if she hated me. Now my dad could only turn his anger and self loathing towards me and he started to realy break me down. When I was 18 I guess something in my mind just snapped and I fell down into the depression. Me and my dads last argument soon after I turned 18 almost ended with me beating him to death(I restrained myself after I had thrown him onto the floor, was holding him with one arm ready to start swinging with the other) but I managed to restrain myself because I knew if I did this I wouldnt stop. It was the first and last time I was ever physical towards him. before that moment I was just to afraid of him even though I was much bigger and stronger. He had managed to break me down so much mentaly.

So I got my own place and more or less shut away all my friends and just spent all my time loathing myself, trying to muster the guts to commit suicide and beeing consumed by how much I hate that son of a bitch. Soon after I finished high school and moved far far away to start university thinking it was what I needed. But that backfired on me because I had developed social anxiety and I just could not stand beeing around people anymore.
So I became more lonely then ever and more depressed than ever. I was just at rock bottom. To make things worse I totaly ****ed up my back aswell during that period so I was in constant pain, I had chronic insomnia and constant depression. I didnt go to class, I didnt do anything just sat at home and crying day in and day out. Cutting myself, smoking pot. I was just pathetic. For almost a year I didnt socialise with anyone outside of classes and even then I just keept to myself. I could go a entire week without even saying hello to anyone. I tried to hook up with a few chicks but I was such a wreck that I just got the classic "Just want to be friends" comment and that sure didnt help my depression.

At the end of my first year at uni my friends came to visit me in the spring, when they where about to head home to our hometown again I just could not stand the idea of beeing alone anymore so I quit university and went with them back to my hometown. I spent a few weeks there and later on in the summer I rented out my place and moved to my sisters place and lived there for a year. Didnt tell anyone how depressed I was though so all the time I struggled to hide how horrible I feelt. I spent alot of time on lone walks in the woods. Often brining a knife with me just to se if I could manage to end it.

But during spring 2005 something changed. I guess I was just sick and tired of beeing a trainwreck. I realised that the only way to make life worth living is if I ****ing struggle for it. SSRI's hadnt helped, counceling hadnt helped. It was me alone and no one else to relie on.
One thing that realy had a HUGE impact on me was the book "the art of happines" by Dalai Lama. That book changed me. I started to struggle to follow his advice. I forced myself to the se the positiv in everything no matter how hard it was. I started meditating to beat my insomnia and slowely I started to pull out of the depression. I started waking up in the morning with a positive attitude and not just loathing the day and wishing for sleep again. I stopped thinking about suicide and death. I started to realise how much joy there is in the small things in life again. I rediscovered my passion for physics and started to prepare to get back to uni. I just took controll of my life again. I guess a important thing was also that I stopped hating my dad. I just realised he is a phatetic son of a bitch and it isnt worth it to go around and hate him. If I do I will become like him.

I guess you could say I fully realised that how we feel is up to ourself and no one else. Even if bad things happen we are in controll of how it makes us feel. Its a descision to feel good and its a descision to be depressed. Even if it isnt a concsious descision we are in controll of it through our though patterns.
Negative thoughs breed more negative thoughs and after a while we get caught in a negative spiral and just makes us more and more depressed. But positive thoughs breed more positive thoughs and can create a positive spiral. It just takes ALOT of effort and the willingness to let go of shit. For 3 years I was depressed and for all my life I had thought myself to repress all my emotions.

I am not fully recovered. My self respect and self worth still isnt the best and I still have social anxiety but its controllable. I have alot of troubble showing and recognising my own emotions even now. Hiding everything is a hard habit to break.
It took my dad 18 years to break me so I guess it will take a couple of years to rebuild that. I still havent fully forgiven myself for not helping mom either. Thats something Im going to have to live with. Atleast I can look myself in the mirror and know that I was just a kid and I couldnt act like a hero.

Thats my story long post. Anyway life now is perfect to me. I am truly happy for the first time in my life and I hope I will never sink down in a depression like that again. Nothing is worse than waking up each day and hating life. I would do everything I can to help people out of the shithole a depression is. No one deserves to be mentaly trapped in such a horrible place.

solid story , thank you for sharing that with everyone, i know it couldnt have been easy. johan you are an inspiration to all of us here!

stewie, read this and learn form it, even thought it is bad at a specific moment if you work on trying to beat the depression it is a step in the right direction.

[Mizfit]

For the record hun - experiences make you stronger.

In life we all have moments where life utterly sucks, but things always do get better.

Positive thinking and not feeling sorry for yourself is a step in the right direction.

I rarely tell ppl what i went through in my childhood / teenage years because i don't want anyone to ever feel sorry for me. I want people to see me for my accomplishments, not the bad stuff i have overcame.

Try to channel your energy into something positive. If your having trouble dealing with everything - go talk to a professional - it's OHIP covered in Ontario (Psychitrist, it should be in Montreal as well)

[Doc.Sust]

talking definately helps

[RA]

For the record hun - experiences make you stronger.

In life we all have moments where life utterly sucks, but things always do get better.

Positive thinking and not feeling sorry for yourself is a step in the right direction.

I rarely tell ppl what i went through in my childhood / teenage years because i don't want anyone to ever feel sorry for me. I want people to see me for my accomplishments, not the bad stuff i have overcame.

Try to channel your energy into something positive. If your having trouble dealing with everything - go talk to a professional - it's OHIP covered in Ontario (Psychitrist, it should be in Montreal as well)

Solid advice.

[perfectbeast2001]

very moving story johan. very brave to share it here. Hey Stewie I have had some shit times like you but looking back they have always, ALWAYS been followed by some good. I think this is lifes way of making us stronger. Life would be dull if we just went around being quite happy all the time, we would never really appreciate it. Try to think positive and good things will start to happen for you, they did for me.

[RA]

Thanks bro. I dont mind at all but its a LONG story.

I guess my depression had several reasons. My dad is a alcoholic and has been all my life. A mean one aswell. He was never mean to me for some reason but always to my mom. My mom was pretty sic, bad rheumatoid arthritis so she could never defend herself. Most of my dads abuse against her was mental but sometimes physical and I always hated myself for never stepping betwen them to help mom. So I went through my life totaly shut of mentaly and emotionaly. Just faking beeing happy so good that I belived it myself. The worst moment was when my dad tried to choke my mom when I was 14 and I could hear her scream but I didnt dare to help her. After that mom was very withdrawn and cold and I just though she hated me now because I was such a coward.

When I was 15 my mom died, it left me with no chanse to ever know what mom feelt and if she hated me. Now my dad could only turn his anger and self loathing towards me and he started to realy break me down. When I was 18 I guess something in my mind just snapped and I fell down into the depression. Me and my dads last argument soon after I turned 18 almost ended with me beating him to death(I restrained myself after I had thrown him onto the floor, was holding him with one arm ready to start swinging with the other) but I managed to restrain myself because I knew if I did this I wouldnt stop. It was the first and last time I was ever physical towards him. before that moment I was just to afraid of him even though I was much bigger and stronger. He had managed to break me down so much mentaly.

So I got my own place and more or less shut away all my friends and just spent all my time loathing myself, trying to muster the guts to commit suicide and beeing consumed by how much I hate that son of a bitch. Soon after I finished high school and moved far far away to start university thinking it was what I needed. But that backfired on me because I had developed social anxiety and I just could not stand beeing around people anymore.
So I became more lonely then ever and more depressed than ever. I was just at rock bottom. To make things worse I totaly ****ed up my back aswell during that period so I was in constant pain, I had chronic insomnia and constant depression. I didnt go to class, I didnt do anything just sat at home and crying day in and day out. Cutting myself, smoking pot. I was just pathetic. For almost a year I didnt socialise with anyone outside of classes and even then I just keept to myself. I could go a entire week without even saying hello to anyone. I tried to hook up with a few chicks but I was such a wreck that I just got the classic "Just want to be friends" comment and that sure didnt help my depression.

At the end of my first year at uni my friends came to visit me in the spring, when they where about to head home to our hometown again I just could not stand the idea of beeing alone anymore so I quit university and went with them back to my hometown. I spent a few weeks there and later on in the summer I rented out my place and moved to my sisters place and lived there for a year. Didnt tell anyone how depressed I was though so all the time I struggled to hide how horrible I feelt. I spent alot of time on lone walks in the woods. Often brining a knife with me just to se if I could manage to end it.

But during spring 2005 something changed. I guess I was just sick and tired of beeing a trainwreck. I realised that the only way to make life worth living is if I ****ing struggle for it. SSRI's hadnt helped, counceling hadnt helped. It was me alone and no one else to relie on.
One thing that realy had a HUGE impact on me was the book "the art of happines" by Dalai Lama. That book changed me. I started to struggle to follow his advice. I forced myself to the se the positiv in everything no matter how hard it was. I started meditating to beat my insomnia and slowely I started to pull out of the depression. I started waking up in the morning with a positive attitude and not just loathing the day and wishing for sleep again. I stopped thinking about suicide and death. I started to realise how much joy there is in the small things in life again. I rediscovered my passion for physics and started to prepare to get back to uni. I just took controll of my life again. I guess a important thing was also that I stopped hating my dad. I just realised he is a phatetic son of a bitch and it isnt worth it to go around and hate him. If I do I will become like him.

I guess you could say I fully realised that how we feel is up to ourself and no one else. Even if bad things happen we are in controll of how it makes us feel. Its a descision to feel good and its a descision to be depressed. Even if it isnt a concsious descision we are in controll of it through our though patterns.
Negative thoughs breed more negative thoughs and after a while we get caught in a negative spiral and just makes us more and more depressed. But positive thoughs breed more positive thoughs and can create a positive spiral. It just takes ALOT of effort and the willingness to let go of shit. For 3 years I was depressed and for all my life I had thought myself to repress all my emotions.

I am not fully recovered. My self respect and self worth still isnt the best and I still have social anxiety but its controllable. I have alot of troubble showing and recognising my own emotions even now. Hiding everything is a hard habit to break.
It took my dad 18 years to break me so I guess it will take a couple of years to rebuild that. I still havent fully forgiven myself for not helping mom either. Thats something Im going to have to live with. Atleast I can look myself in the mirror and know that I was just a kid and I couldnt act like a hero.

Thats my story long post. Anyway life now is perfect to me. I am truly happy for the first time in my life and I hope I will never sink down in a depression like that again. Nothing is worse than waking up each day and hating life. I would do everything I can to help people out of the shithole a depression is. No one deserves to be mentaly trapped in such a horrible place.

Well, you came out the other end of all that bs pretty cool.

[Deluge1]

Thanks bro. I dont mind at all but its a LONG story.

I guess my depression had several reasons. My dad is a alcoholic and has been all my life. A mean one aswell. He was never mean to me for some reason but always to my mom. My mom was pretty sic, bad rheumatoid arthritis so she could never defend herself. Most of my dads abuse against her was mental but sometimes physical and I always hated myself for never stepping betwen them to help mom. So I went through my life totaly shut of mentaly and emotionaly. Just faking beeing happy so good that I belived it myself. The worst moment was when my dad tried to choke my mom when I was 14 and I could hear her scream but I didnt dare to help her. After that mom was very withdrawn and cold and I just though she hated me now because I was such a coward.

When I was 15 my mom died, it left me with no chanse to ever know what mom feelt and if she hated me. Now my dad could only turn his anger and self loathing towards me and he started to realy break me down. When I was 18 I guess something in my mind just snapped and I fell down into the depression. Me and my dads last argument soon after I turned 18 almost ended with me beating him to death(I restrained myself after I had thrown him onto the floor, was holding him with one arm ready to start swinging with the other) but I managed to restrain myself because I knew if I did this I wouldnt stop. It was the first and last time I was ever physical towards him. before that moment I was just to afraid of him even though I was much bigger and stronger. He had managed to break me down so much mentaly.

So I got my own place and more or less shut away all my friends and just spent all my time loathing myself, trying to muster the guts to commit suicide and beeing consumed by how much I hate that son of a bitch. Soon after I finished high school and moved far far away to start university thinking it was what I needed. But that backfired on me because I had developed social anxiety and I just could not stand beeing around people anymore.
So I became more lonely then ever and more depressed than ever. I was just at rock bottom. To make things worse I totaly ****ed up my back aswell during that period so I was in constant pain, I had chronic insomnia and constant depression. I didnt go to class, I didnt do anything just sat at home and crying day in and day out. Cutting myself, smoking pot. I was just pathetic. For almost a year I didnt socialise with anyone outside of classes and even then I just keept to myself. I could go a entire week without even saying hello to anyone. I tried to hook up with a few chicks but I was such a wreck that I just got the classic "Just want to be friends" comment and that sure didnt help my depression.

At the end of my first year at uni my friends came to visit me in the spring, when they where about to head home to our hometown again I just could not stand the idea of beeing alone anymore so I quit university and went with them back to my hometown. I spent a few weeks there and later on in the summer I rented out my place and moved to my sisters place and lived there for a year. Didnt tell anyone how depressed I was though so all the time I struggled to hide how horrible I feelt. I spent alot of time on lone walks in the woods. Often brining a knife with me just to se if I could manage to end it.

But during spring 2005 something changed. I guess I was just sick and tired of beeing a trainwreck. I realised that the only way to make life worth living is if I ****ing struggle for it. SSRI's hadnt helped, counceling hadnt helped. It was me alone and no one else to relie on.
One thing that realy had a HUGE impact on me was the book "the art of happines" by Dalai Lama. That book changed me. I started to struggle to follow his advice. I forced myself to the se the positiv in everything no matter how hard it was. I started meditating to beat my insomnia and slowely I started to pull out of the depression. I started waking up in the morning with a positive attitude and not just loathing the day and wishing for sleep again. I stopped thinking about suicide and death. I started to realise how much joy there is in the small things in life again. I rediscovered my passion for physics and started to prepare to get back to uni. I just took controll of my life again. I guess a important thing was also that I stopped hating my dad. I just realised he is a phatetic son of a bitch and it isnt worth it to go around and hate him. If I do I will become like him.

I guess you could say I fully realised that how we feel is up to ourself and no one else. Even if bad things happen we are in controll of how it makes us feel. Its a descision to feel good and its a descision to be depressed. Even if it isnt a concsious descision we are in controll of it through our though patterns.
Negative thoughs breed more negative thoughs and after a while we get caught in a negative spiral and just makes us more and more depressed. But positive thoughs breed more positive thoughs and can create a positive spiral. It just takes ALOT of effort and the willingness to let go of shit. For 3 years I was depressed and for all my life I had thought myself to repress all my emotions.

I am not fully recovered. My self respect and self worth still isnt the best and I still have social anxiety but its controllable. I have alot of troubble showing and recognising my own emotions even now. Hiding everything is a hard habit to break.
It took my dad 18 years to break me so I guess it will take a couple of years to rebuild that. I still havent fully forgiven myself for not helping mom either. Thats something Im going to have to live with. Atleast I can look myself in the mirror and know that I was just a kid and I couldnt act like a hero.

Thats my story long post. Anyway life now is perfect to me. I am truly happy for the first time in my life and I hope I will never sink down in a depression like that again. Nothing is worse than waking up each day and hating life. I would do everything I can to help people out of the shithole a depression is. No one deserves to be mentaly trapped in such a horrible place.

You ****ing inspire me man.

You should be very proud of what you've accomplished.

[Doc.Sust]

You ****ing inspire me man.

You should be very proud of what you've accomplished.

me too !!! inspiration to us all

[Kärnfysikern]

Thanks, means alot

Stewie I think you would be suprised to know how many people that have managed to turn out allright after suffering through shit. One very nasty thing about depressions and negative thoughs is that they are addictive somehow. Its somehow comforting to continue to be depressed and it feels like a risk to try and change something.
If you need to vent sometime your always welcome to shot me a pm.

[stewie]

Thanks, means alot

Stewie I think you would be suprised to know how many people that have managed to turn out allright after suffering through shit. One very nasty thing about depressions and negative thoughs is that they are addictive somehow. Its somehow comforting to continue to be depressed and it feels like a risk to try and change something.
If you need to vent sometime your always welcome to shot me a pm.

Thank You

[Kärnfysikern]

Sounds similar to my life- i left home at 16 - I handled it a bit differently, but i guess no family is picture pefect - and we spend more times presenting an image of what we want things to look like to those around us and they rarely get a glipse inot what is actually going on.

People only know what u want them to know... It's a long road to figure out that you can trust people and your own emotions after going thrugh stuff like this.

Yeah it kind of makes you think. How many out there, how many you know maby, are just walking through life with that fake smile while they are rotting inside.

Have you overcome your hardships completely and left it all behind?

[Doc.Sust]

join the military.

take it easy, dont let the door hit you in the ass.....

[Carlos_E]

take it easy, dont let the door hit you in the ass.....

I warned him twice.

[Doc.Sust]

I warned him twice.

i warned him a few times in the last few days, he didnt listen and got what was coming to him

[goodcents]

take it easy, dont let the door hit you in the ass.....

Yeah what an ass, people telling their problems and he just wanted to be a dick for no reason how the hell did he get 784 posts acting like that(didn't want it to be worded like it was anyone other than his own fault, sorry if someone takes it like that )

[goodcents]

Thanks Johan for sharing that, takes alot to overcome that, when I was a kid I was trailer park poor and had no self esteem. My dad was like yours, always putting my mom and me down and whining like a little kid. I thought my name was "little bastard" for the longest time. (what a thing to tell your own son, then mom would get in his ass for saying that and then the non stop argueing would start) He died when I was 17, still get mad thinking about him, but like you said in a way, people only see me, they never knew him, I must act right.

[goodcents]

Is there even such a thing as a normal childhood?poverty, abuse. When is it ever going to end?

[Mizfit]

Yeah it kind of makes you think. How many out there, how many you know maby, are just walking through life with that fake smile while they are rotting inside.

Have you overcome your hardships completely and left it all behind?

In my case it was my mother who was the drinker and i really didn't get to know my father till my late 20's.

In my case my mother was poison and there was no choice but to just cut her out of my life completely.

I still have trouble trusting ppl, but i know i am not alone

[stayinstacked]

Dont worry man, we've all been in the dumps b4. I drove my car 1000 miles away from home and started over, didnt know a soul and often stared at the walls on the weekends. I even picked up a few hitchhikers just so I'd have somebody to talk to. I got up w/ the wrong crowd and started doing cocaine, GHB, weed, and meth. I eventually got myself together, it was a struggle though