Senior Member
This may be considered a "touchy feely" topic and I can picture many a man wincing at entertaining the thought.
Anyway, you ever love someone yet sense that you're values and lifestyles are too different to make it work in the long term? It's a sad kind of realization isn't it? Common conflicts are so painful when you really pause and reflect upon them. Better to keep you're nose to the ground and deal with your routine right? Damn!
Anabolic Member
yeah man ive had this situation happen to me before, it is sad.
it is very tuff but the relization and moving , the world doesnt stop so you just roll with it .
Senior Member
Damn, been goin through that hard lately. Ironic you started this thread.
Educate B4 U Medicate
just recently happend to me, it sux but ya gotta keep goin
Senior Member
In my case, I've been with her on and off for 15 years and she's my best friend. Both of our needs are not being met and that's the sad thing. We're together but it seems like an empty shell of a relationship and either way we both will suffer. It's tough to stomach.
Anabolic Member
15 years wow thats a long time.
Anabolic Member
i hope things workout for you man and you can move on, you dont to be dragged down for too long.
Senior Member
Thanks. I can move on but I'll burn a little. It reminds me of "American Beauty" how people can buy into the American dream thing and kind of lose their spontaneity...their souls. My girl is so much into owning "things" while I'm non-materialistic and kind of culturally estranged with my values (e.g., I'm heavily influenced by existentialism and buddhism). Thinking "outside of the box" is a lonely endeavor.
Originally Posted by collar
Anabolic Member
i see where your comming from, so what type of girl is she? and what the values and beliefs that make you 2 different and it cant work out.
i know what yours are from the read of your last post, how about her?
Senior Member
She's efficient, automated, regimented, greatly principled, yet, a bit emotionally flat, unaffectionate, materialistic. I don't feel appreciated and my goals will not fall within her time frame. I have a Peruvian friend, by contrast, who is deeply passionate, unmaterialistic, and appreciates me and expresses this. We are friends but she has qualities that only make the "lack of" elsewhere seem salient.
Educate B4 U Medicate
She sounds like a great catch. You sure there's no working things out or counseling that can help ??
Good women are too hard to find anymore, believe me I know.....I can't stand dating in this day and age anymore!!!
Protein Power
jeez mike Dura.......sounds like my life too bro...almost exactly..PM me --I'm on LI also....maybe is the place we live!!!
NASM~AFPA~CPT
yeah i been there Dura it wasnt so much the values and ligestyles that differd in my case, It was more just about where we were with are lives at the time i was trying to proceed in one thing while she just couldnt seem to get a grip and still cant
Anabolic Member
thanks for that dura she sounds interesting.
your friend sounds more like your type of person.
Senior Member
Yeah, I believe it is our environment. Not just LI either but our culture which clearly values materialism and energy consumption and to attain those things, efficiency through automation.
The people who have the most "things" and consume the most energy are considered the "winners" in our culture. This is capitalism and it's destroying the planet and it pits people against fundamental human values.
To illustrate, consider this example given by Erich Fromm: If I'm a farmer and have a great season growing potatoes, from the standpoint of human values that's a good thing because more food = more people fed. From the standpoint of capitalism however, this is a tragic thing because the abundance of food drives the price down (supply and demand). So the farmer buries these potatoes so he can survive financially. What a waste that people starve when food abounds. Capitalism puts resources before human needs. That's why minorities and people of lower socioeconomic status are easy sacrifices (i.e., we're talking their lives) for petroleum. Notice how these politicians don't send their children off to war.
Ernest Becker was a cultural Anthropologist that had an interesting book called "Denial of Death" which has influenced three social science researchers who developed a theory called "Terror Management Theory." In brief, the theory says,
Humans, like other species of animals have a survival instinct. Humans, unlike other animals, are aware (or conscious) of thier imortality. This is a problem that if not dealt with would cause paralyzing terror. Culture allows us to lesson the fear of death in two ways, namely,
(1) pre-scribed meaning and
(2) self-esteem.
The prescribed meaning, in our culture, is a script that basically says that this "here's our purpose" and we view this purpose in a literal way, as if it's "reality" or the actual "scheme of things." Now, to the degree we live up to this prescribed meaning (or purpose) one experiences a heightened self-esteem which is reinforced by the great kudos we get from other members of our culture.
Simply put, more self-esteem = less anxiety (in their view, death-related anxiety) and better functioning. Now the prescribed meaning of capitalism may be something like those with the most status symbols (BMW, etc) are a little better than those without. This is also fundamentally against human values because only a relative few can have this degree of energy consumption in a limited resource environment. More specifically, if me winning means you losing (and natural resources are limited resources) than I am for me and not for you. If it's just all about me at your expense than that's not human values because the latter is about both "I and thou" or all humankind.
But culture also prescribes other prescribed meanings as a kind of "consilation prize." For those who can't live up to the capitalistic standard, Christianity is such a meaning system: You follow these ten rules and believed that Christ is your savior and you get selected for heaven. Here the riches come in the "after life (lol)." Yah dig?
So to get back to my situation with my materialistic girl friend, I see she's one of many in that she's playing (and winning at) the common game and I see it comes at the expense of general human values. The existentialists, however, say it's "off the mark" to blame people for buying into a game. Better to under stand it with respect to the general human condition and man's strivings for meaning and self-esteem. The great religious teachers would recommend having compassion for human kind. But if you want to understand "why humans do what they do" Becker recomends that you ask yourself, "how does he or she achieve a personal heroism in this act." Now the eyes start to open..
Banned
Ahh hun i feel for u and totally understand what your saying.
Sometimes you can't fix things... relationships have problems and we put bandaids on them and they temporarily fix the problem, but the wound never heals.. it suks
Senior Member
if someone truly luvs u and u the same that is a minor draw back u always have to make time whether it is one day a week or more if ur lucky .it will always be a struggle cause both parts of the team dont always want to go the same direction.being in a relationship is a constant struggle it only works if u work at it .
sry to here u are blue
Senior Member
What you're saying is true but when your values are fundamentally different you have to consider cutting ties. A friendship can be salvaged, of course, but a partnership may not be the best choice. To every gain is a loss and that's the bitter sweet part of this thing.
if someone truly luvs u and u the same that is a minor draw back u always have to make time whether it is one day a week or more if ur lucky .it will always be a struggle cause both parts of the team dont always want to go the same direction.being in a relationship is a constant struggle it only works if u work at it .
sry to here u are blue
Junior Member
This hits home. Good thread, Mike D.
Senior Member
Agreed. I see it as a bitter sweet thing. It's not easy to move on from someone you love. On the other hand, if you're both holding each other back because your goals and values are fundamentally different that that's not good either. If we move on we lose something of mutual value (our partnership) but we gain a possibility at attaining a mate with more compatible values to that of our own. We also can retain the friendship and the love of a relationship that spanned 15 years.
Loss is a universal to us all and as you go through life you will lose people you love (whether through breaking up or death or whatever) so this story of loss is both of ours. I feel for you too.
Banned
I was engaged to be married 10 years ago and was engaged for 3 years - making the decision to end it was so hard - but likeu me and him had totally different ideals and perspectives.
I don't want to be content for the rest of my life i wanna be happy. Over time you realize these choices r for the better
Senior Member
I'm with you on that. But it's tough emotionally. It feels like I've been punched in the gut. On the other hand, I feel I have a greater clarity as to the situation and my needs and what needs to be done.
On my end, I'm not happy. For example, I'm a physically affectionate guy. I love to get and receive a lot of physical affection in an intimate relationship - a big part of bonding for me. But that's not her style at all. Then there's sex: Even when we had sex (once a week), it seemed like she had a time frame in mind. She was probably going through a "to-do list" in her head. I'll give her credit for being a highly functional person but it comes at the expense of spontaneity or just allowing yourself to "get lost to the moment." Authentic love knows no time IMO.
I think it doesn't pay to be "too efficient" and almost mechanical like an autotron if we can't find that "garden of Eden" in the bedroom. I like to make love without time constraints and I couldn't imagine a happy life without plenty of sex and affection irrespective of time. On top of that, she was sexually inhibitive too. I like my girl to indulge and act out of her primitive instincts in the sack - I want to see the animal in her.... but be careful not to bite my nipples too hard (making a reference to that other thread if you remember.) Anyway.....
Banned
hahah you sounds like a male version of me - i always seem to end up with un affectionate guys too - and it sucks.
And shit i totally relate to the whole once a week thing like its on schedule - my most recent relationship was like that.
I think it's a world full of ppl who make bad, or not wise choices with relationships for various reasons and a lot of us have trouble getting out of the cycle.
Senior Member
I've made unwise choices in the past. One common amateur mistake is to confuse the intoxication of infatuation with love. Now I keep my eyes open and make the distinction. But I think if a person gets wiser with their experiences and mistakes, they can increasingly make better decisions. I think this heavily depends on knowing yourself well too. I've seen people who clearly don't know themselves and I see that they have shitty relationships. I also commonly see people in a relationship where one person clearly dominates and the other is submissive. They may experience the relationship as a "happy" one but I question the authenticity of that type of relationship.
Knowledgeable Member
Reading all of this made me breathe a huge unhappy/tired sigh.
Member
I know exactly what you mean.
Senior Member
That's because you're alive (you feel) and that's a good thing. I read it more as bitter-sweet over unhappy and lethargic.
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